Reply Sixteen

"Hoya, what flavor did you buy?"

I noticed how he stared at me with disbelief. His hair caught the rays of the colorful lights from the counter of the shop and made it appear brownish. Even though this November day was cold, the sun finally greeted us with its warmth earlier this morning. Busan guy sat in front of me, his cup of ice cream in his hands, as he left the plastic spoon stuck in his mouth. His dark orbs looking straight into mine with a surprised look on his face.

"Since when did you start calling me Hoya?" he asked, his voice coming out muffled since the spoon in his mouth stopped him from speaking clearly.

"Since you said you liked it. And I like it, too."

He smiled genuinely at me, before scooping another spoonful into his mouth. He stared at his cup for a second with his thick eyebrows furrowed before he answered. "I don't know."

"What?! How can you not know?"

"I told her to surprise me. But it tastes good." He nodded his head to support his statement. We were sitting on stools of the Natuur Pop ice cream parlor in the Seoul Station. The atmosphere was quite comfortable. Many other students from different schools came to this shop today since they wanted to treat themselves to something good after the stressful exam day. Even though it was still cold outside, people decided for ice cream since it was always something that made the mood better. At the background the song of Shinee, Replay, echoed in the shop.

"It's looks like Mint Chocolate to me." I told him and when he asked me whether I wanted to try some with his suggesting gesture, I shook my head. I knew what mint chocolate tasted like. Mine was by far more interesting. I chose Twinkle Candy and it indeed tasted like candy.

We both payed our attention back to our ice cream cups when a group of students entered the parlor. With that romantic singing voice, I knew right away who it was. And my eyes confirmed my assumption when I let them wander to the entrance. That cheesy smile on his face and his amazing voice singing along to the background music, I couldn't help but only stare. I already met him this morning before the test. I wanted to wish him good luck but I suddenly became all shy when I saw him. In the end, I missed my chance.

Woohyun wasn't alone though. Sunggyu followed right behind him with Hara by his side. Some other students of his class entered the shop and made it almost impossible to not notice them. They were loud and yelled out of joy, feeling relief that the exam was over. The employees didn't mind since they knew that students at this period of time were quite enthusiastic. It was an advantage for them, too, since their shop was always crowded whenever the exam day was over.

Sunggyu was the first one to notice us. Hoya in front of me waved at him friendly. I sat frozen in my place without even moving a muscle. It was strange with Sunggyu. First of all, I started calling him by his name. Not in front of him. God, I wouldn't even dare. That would be too embarrassing. But I started calling him Sunggyu in my mind. I didn't use the nicknames anymore. Second, I couldn't look into his eyes. I couldn't even talk to him. After Chuseok, we both had a somewhat awkward relationship. I wasn't even angry or annoyed by him. I just didn't want to be left alone with him, ever. 

Hara was nudged by Sunggyu to look to our direction. When she noticed us, she her heels to approach us and greeted Howon and me with  her sweet smile. She was as surprised as we were that coincidence allowed us to meet. Even though I looked into Hara's eyes whenever she talked, I still payed attention to Woohyun who was standing in line for their purchase. He was playing with his phone and I couldn't help but admire his jaw line. When all of a sudden the image of Woohyun's ID picture flashed in my mind.

"Why are you giggling by yourself?" is what I heard Hoya asking me. I just shook my head, refusing to answer the question.

"Oh, Woohyun's here, too. How lucky." Hara winked at me before she her heels to walk back to her classmates.

Then, Busan guy next to me started laughing. I noticed how my cheeks flushed red and that was when I realized that I was embarrassed. Soon, Woohyun noticed us, too since Hoya laughed so loud that we almost gained everyone's attention. And when he saw us, he smiled brightly. I didn't know to whom he directed his smile, but I just smiled back awkwardly, hoping it was meant for me. Woohyun then continued playing with his phone.

We sat in a circle, Busan guy next to me while Woohyun was right in front of me. His both sides were occupied by Hara and Sunggyu. Some other students of class 3-6 sat in between us. But they were too immersed in the conversations with Hara that they didn't really bother us. With that big grin that was always plastered on his lips, whenever he fixed his stare at his phone, I couldn't help but smile, too. At least, the period of pressure and stress was over.

"So how were your tests?" Woohyun threw the question into the group of students. He didn't actually seem to be interested in the answers anyways. Why would he ask then?

"Let's not talk about the tests. Let's just relax, can we?" Sunggyu next to him interjected with a smile. The both of them started laughing and chuckling with each other while Hara rolled her eyes at them. It seemed like they were always like that. I envied their relationship. Sunggyu was so close to him. They probably even visited each other's rooms. I wanted to be as close as Sunggyu was with Woohyun, too.

"Hey, let's all go to Myeongdong this afternoon and watch the news together." Woohyun was implying the news about the answers of the test. I immediately nodded to his suggestion since I really wanted to spend more time with him. But then, I noticed Hoya next to me and I wanted to stay by his side, too. I wasn't sure whether his strict father would allow him to go with us.

"Count me in." I felt relieved upon hearing Howon's answer. That smile on Hara's face and the nod of Sunggyu confirmed that they would tag along, too. The other students apparently wanted to join as well.

We soon finished our ice cream cups and left the shop. It was my first time hanging out with friends without Eunji's presence. We were always together, no matter what it was. But I just received a message from her, saying she had to leave earlier without telling me because her parent's shop needed support. I was relieved that she wasn't angry at me for whatever reasons. With the group of 8 people - 3 of them were still strangers to me - we took the train to Myeongdong.

From Seoul Station we took Line 4, directing to Danggogae and had to wait one stop until we arrived in Myeongdong. When we entered the train, it wasn't as crowded as I expected it to be, even though students pilled up around Seoul. The seats on both sides of the train along the walls were still occupied by people. So our group had to stand and hold onto the bars of the train. 

When the speaker announced the next stop, Hoehyeon, people stormed into the train like it sold melons with discounts. I remembered in my childhood, when my grandmother took me to one of those fruit markets, people were crazy there. They ran like animals, hoping to catch their prey. It was scary and ever since then, I was a bit afraid of crowds. I even lost my grandmother in that storm of people.

But for the first time in my life after that incident, I felt thankful for those reckless people. Because we were standing near the doors, the people entering the train were pushing us deeper into the train. But people came out from every direction so we were all pushed together. That was when Woohyun stood right next to me. I thanked God and the ruthless people for giving me this moment. He was still holding onto that bar but his other hand was occupied with his phone until he noticed me looking up at him. And when he smiled, I couldn't calm my heart down anymore.

"Are you afraid?"

I tilted my head to the side until I realized what he meant. My expression was probably showing fear or whatever emotion it was that I felt on that day. I was a bit scared that those people kept pushing. But I was happy, too because he was standing right in front of me. And because we were so close, I even smelt his cologne.

While I was still occasionally glancing at his jaw line, he continued pushing onto buttons of his phone. Howon was actually right behind me but I have already forgotten his presence. It was only Woohyun and me. For this moment, it felt like we weren't so distant at all. It felt like I could actually reach him someday. Like I just had to get a little bit closer and he would fall in love with me.

That wonderful scene ended quickly since the train already arrived in Myeongdong and we had to exit the crowded train. Howon behind me quickly caught up with me to assure I was safe. I had to giggle upon seeing his worry for me. Woohyun, Sunggyu and one other guy walked in front of us while Hara stayed with two guys and Howon and me behind them. We passed by the most ridiculous shops and ended up eating Ddeokbokki - spicy rice cake in sauce - which we bought from a street stall. Woohyun told Sunggyu to treat us since he apparently started that part-time job of his. Even though Sunggyu refused at first, since he hasn't received his pay yet, he gave in after all. But I doubt that Woohyun's argument of Sunggyu being the oldest was the deciding factor.

At last, we went into a shop to watch the news. It was already afternoon and we were prepared to hear the answers of the tests. One part of me was excited to know the solutions but the other part was scared. If I failed, my parents would scold me. But what made me feel shivers down my spine was the thought of Hoya failing. My parents weren't as strict as his. I was scared that they might do something to him. Without noticing, I stared at Busan guy worriedly. He, as sharp as  he was, noticed right away and asked me if something was wrong. But I chose to keep my mouth shut.

Once we heard the solutions, some of us sighed in relief. Hara smiled the whole time while listening to the news. I knew she would succeed. She was a good student. She studied well, even though she was dating someone. She was able to balance her love life with school. Sunggyu seemed relieved, too. Maybe he was cleverer than I assumed him to be. Then I turned my attention to Woohyun. He didn't say anything until he smiled brightly to Sunggyu and hugged him. I couldn't surpress the smile grazing on my lips.

Howon next to me didn't move at all. It was like he was frozen because of the cold weather. We exited the shop right after the news speaker changed the topic to the weather forecast. I received a text message from my mother, asking for my current location. I instantly texted her back until I received another one. It was from Myungsoo this time. He asked me whether I was relieved. I think, he was talking about the test results. I sent him my answer back, saying I was glad. He didn't even mention my calls. He acted like I never called him. It was somehow sad, to be honest. My mom then called me, telling me to come home so I gave in and bid goodbye with the group. It was frustrating how Woohyun already walked ahead with Sunggyu so I couldn't even wave him goodbye. And Hoya, he decided to go home with me.

10th December. Wednesday. 2008. It was a day I still remember even in 2013. I was only 17 years old when the exam decided my future. On that winter day, we received the results for our CSAT exam - College Scholastic Ability Test. It kind of affected us all. Whether it contributed to a good outcome or a bad one. It somehow changed our daily life.

We were sitting in our respective seats in our classroom, waiting for our homeroom teacher to deliver us the results. It was nervewrecking, we were nervous, scared and maybe excited as well. I looked to Eunji a few seats diagonally in front of me, she smiled shortly putting her thump up and turned back to our teacher. I sighed, feeling much relaxed after doing so and looked at Howon behind me who seemed nervous as well. After I came to know about his father hitting him for whatever reasons, I couldn't help but see him in another light. Not a bad one though. It was just... He was actually quite a strong person. It was funny how he accused me of hiding important things from others while he did the same the whole time. He was able to smile and act like his life was great, whereas the truth looked different. Maybe I was just too stupid not  to notice. Maybe there weren't even signs. Not until the day before the entrance exam.

When my teacher gave me the results and when I took a glance at the scores, I couldn't help but smile. It wasn't bad in my opinion. I achieved 390 of 500 points. It was okay. I knew I would never succeed in applying for Seoul National University since they usually demand around 480 points. But since I knew my parents, I knew how much they cared for me, they wouldn't even scold me. They always put pressure on me but they never hit me because of school activities. They were proud enough that I somehow achieved to be average. Even though they were strict at times, they were still okay with me being average. Being a C-student.

I turned around to face Hoya who was sitting frozen in his seat as he stared at his piece of paper with the results printed on it. He didn't seem okay. He looked disappointed or scared. I didn't know how to talk with him, what to say. I was frozen myself. What if his father did something to him again? I was scared and I felt the urge to cry instead but I tried to compose myself. That wasn't the time to be crying over such a thing. Not now.

He noticed me staring at him, as he lifted his head to look into my eyes. He didn't smile nor did he speak up. He only stared at me with his button-like eyes as if he was lifeless. As if his body was only a shell. Nothing more. Not a trace of a soul. I was worried, honestly speaking. I wanted to distract him. I wanted him to smile at me to assure me he was fine. I didn't want him to be depressed or sad. That was my selfish wish.

I was hanging out with Eunji at the playground near our neighborhood. It had been such a long time since I had hung out with my best friend. And in the beginning, it was even strange to meet her here. We were kind of awkward with each other but it slowly faded away. The awkwardness, that is. We talked about different things. She told me her scores of 373 points, while she let a soft laugh escape her lips. I knew her parents weren't strict regarding school issues. Especially since they always kept her out from attending school whenever they needed help in their shop. Her parents were quite young when they gave birth to Eunji. I think, they might still be children in their heads which was why they never pressured their daughter.

It was Eunji, herself, who couldn't help but feel useless. I didn't know why but it seemed to me as if she wanted to be good. As if she wanted to succeed and achieve her goals. Whereas I was someone who didn't bother much about my future - at least, not yet - it seemed to me as if Eunji suddenly cared about her life after school. We would be graduating during mid-February which meant we had to decide for universities. It wasn't even a question whether to apply for university or not. It was a common fact known in South Korea. We had to study at a university to be successful. It didn't have to be Seoul National University. At least, my parents didn't really care about that. They were just pressuring me for my own good.

"I'm thinking of getting a part-time job. After all, the stressful exams are over."

I looked to Eunji who seemed really determined to do something in her life. I never saw her like that. We usually hung out to joke around, to play pranks or to tell stories. This time, it was completely different. We were suddenly talking about future, about life. I remembered the day when we were sitting in our favorite ice parlor, writing the love letter to our imaginary Johnny. We were two idiots, joking around and having fun without even one worry in life. And now, like the exam triggered us, we slowly matured. We slowly thought about our own future. It wasn't in the hands of our parents anymore. I couldn't agree more with Eunji. My silence approved of her decision. I wanted to get a part-time job as well. I had to become independent.

"Hello?"

I breathed out, trying to collect myself. That wasn't a bad sign at all. He picked up my calls, after all. He didn't ignore them this time. I didn't even know why I was that scared. It was just a phone call since he disappeared after receiving the scores. It broke my heart when I returned from the vending machine in our school during break just to see that he already left. Even though I especially brought a cheer-up drink for him.

"Hey, Howon. It's me, Hana."

At the other end of the line, he chuckled softly. I couldn't help but wonder why his voice sounded so different through the phone. It was kind of deeper or higher. I couldn't even point out the difference. I just noticed that his voice sounded unusual. With that thought, I wondered myself whether I sounded different, too.

"I know. I saw it on the display." I mentally slapped myself for even introducing myself. Of course, he saw it. It wasn't unusual to look at the phone screen first before picking up the call. I lingered in my own thoughts of how stupid I was, until he spoke up. "Sorry for ditching you today."

I smiled bitterly at the mention while noticing the piercing feeling in my heart. To say, I was hurt, was probably an understatement. "It's okay. As long as you are."

I knew it sounded strange and absurd. I wanted to correct my statement since I was embarrassed but he stopped me from doing so. "Thank you, Hana. Thank you for being my friend."

Shocked, happy, sorrowful. It was a mix of all these feelings. I wanted to cry suddenly. He was such a good friend to me. He always supported me. He comforted me whenever I was sad. He carried me when I was hurt. He worried with me. He felt my pain, did everything to make me feel better. He was the one who was a good friend to me. I should be the one thanking him. It should be me thanking him for staying with that selfish and stupid girl. He just entered my life like it was nothing. Just like he entered the building where the opening ceremony was situated in the beginning of this semester. He jumped into my life without any care. He changed my life, I suddenly became dependent on him. When I had to face a problem, he was my answer. When I didn't know what to wear for the meeting with Myungsoo and his mother, he helped me. I hadn't really grasped the fact. I hadn't really understood it until now. That Howon was someone I never wanted to loose. That he was someone I cared about more than he could imagine. Without really realizing it, he became important to me. And here I was sitting on my bed, talking with him on the phone, listening to his steady breathing as he thanked me for being his friend. I sobbed silently, hoping he wouldn't hear it.

He supported me, noticed my sorrows, cared for me. I wanted to be the one who would give everything back to him. I wanted him to know that I was thankful for having him as a friend. Finding a soulmate is hard. I wouldn't even consider him my soulmate. He was similar to me but also the opposite. It was a lifetime chance to have met someone like him. He had his flaws and quirks but in the end, he was someone I could rely on. I always saw it guaranteed to have him next to me. But that could be so wrong. He could move away, back to Busan. He could suddenly be gone like the wind. It was never guaranteed to stay friends. And for the first time in my life, I was scared. I was scared that in one year, three years or even ten years from now on, everything I was used to would be gone. That I would be living alone far away from my parents. That Howon would suddenly forget me. That my love for Woohyun would suddenly fade away in an instant. That this life I was living would suddenly change. And I was scared.

"Hana, I will talk to you later. I'm really tired right now." he said in a soft tone of voice and added, "By the way, since you seemed to have passed the test, I will tell you everything when we meet in school tomorrow."

That was his promise to me. He would tell me everything. With that he meant the happenings at his home. I never forced him to tell me. He decided to tell me himself. And with that promise in mind, I slowly drifted into sleep, hoping tomorrow would be a day I would never forget. And it was.

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I wanted to admit something. I teared up while writing the paragraph after Howon thanked her for being his friend.

It's not because I'm emotional, but because I thought of my own friends. I'm in my last year of high school. I'm currently only going to school when I have to write exams. I'll study in America and it hurts me to know that I won't be able to see them. I don't have many friends, lol, we are the outsiders in school, hating on everybody :DD But those two... I will miss them to death. Cause I know, it won't be the same even if we try to keep in touch. Distance does matter, after all. Not seeing someone for such a long time can change their relationship.

- tofudimsum

P.S: I forgot to mention, thank you for 100+ subbies!!!! AMG, is this real? Am I dreaming? God, please tell me this is not a dream!!

Thank you so much. New and old subcribers!! Really!!