Reply Thirty-Eight

Summer 2009

As he was looking at me with those determined eyes, and I was looking back, the silence after his words finally reaching my consciousness, I started noticing that one thing that I couldn't see before, but that had been there since the very beginning of our reunion. Completeness. His face beamed with completeness. It was like the expression of a person being asked by the waiter whether he needed anything else, and he would reply with No, I'm fine because the things that were on his table right now – a cup of coffee, maybe a cake – were sufficient for him. It was like he wouldn't wish upon a shooting star even if he were to spot one in the vast night sky. With that said, it seemed like Howon only needed to be honest with me in order to fulfill his completeness. As if he didn't care whether I would accept his apology (or whatever he wanted from me) or not. It was that kind of a feeling that I started noticing around him. And I had been yearning to witness this ever since the incident with his father.

“You were right,” began Howon, his voice full of conviction. “I did change. I changed a lot. Things around me started changing, and I changed with them. For some reason, people just act like someone else when they are in a different environment. Or in my case, they start to think it's better to act like that one person because it seems easier. People like the easy way, I guess. It's just so much less worrying." He started facing the far distance, the dim light of the lanterns casting dark shadows on his face. “You know, hanging around with Inguk, Sunggyu and Miyoung made me feel lighthearted. I don't know if you'll understand this, but I started enjoying their presence more. It was like I never had problems to begin with when I was around them. Being with them only had fun in store. You don't talk about your worries when they ask you about your day. You talk about the dude in the train who spilled his drink or you tell them about the woman who bumped into the glass window. In that sense, it just never feels depressive around them. Do you know what I mean?”

I didn't answer. It just didn't seem like he wanted me to.

He continued, “I know you'll hate to hear this and I know this might hurt you, but I won't try to make you feel better anymore by concealing the truth."

At his declaration, I felt anticipation and worry surging through my body, as if I had confessed to someone, and was waiting for their reaction.

“To me, seeing you was stressful," said Howon. "Talking to you reminded me of the things I didn't want to be reminded of. It was bothersome to remember the past memories, the past hurt, those words and the painful experience of not being loved." He was talking about his father. After a short pause, he went on, "There I was, standing between my best friend from high school and people I have met in my part-time job, and I felt more happier to be with them, instead of with you."

"What great news," I remarked sarcastically, bringing his eyes to focus on me.

"I told you this wasn't going to make you happy."

"You were quite honest then, huh."

Howon furrowed his eyebrows in an annoyed manner, unamused by my remarks. My mind was clearly aware of him trying to reconcile with me, of him trying to be honest so we could start all over again without any lies or resentment. But what he had forgotten to calculate in his plan was that I was a sensitive person, and hearing your (ex) best friend say he wasn't enjoying your presence seemed a bit too harsh for a sensitive person to handle.

"Hana, listen to me," began Howon again, frustrated, "wouldn't you choose to lead a happy and carefree life as well? If you had the choice between hanging out with positive people and a person who simply reminds you of your worries, wouldn't you choose the former, too?"

"Well, yeah, but-"

"Exactly. That was why I started neglecting you, and it was my fault."

I stared at him in disbelief. "You're crazy." He looked back with an expression that neither I nor the me who used to know everything about him would be able to understand. With my temper slowly rising, I said, "Of course you wouldn't talk about your problems with Inguk or Miyoung or even Sunggyu. Don't you understand the difference?"

And then he did something I hadn't expected of him in our heated conversation, something I wouldn't expect of anyone in this kind of a situation. He smiled. The corners of his mouth started curling upwards, his eyes moving along. The light of the lanterns was now acting as a contrast to his otherwise gleeful expression. Howon smiled in the most sincere way, the way I liked his smile the most. Upon that, I realized just how much my heart had longed for this guy.

"I do, Hana. I do," he retorted softly. "I realized that when I was in Busan with my siblings, and I could have sworn I had seen someone looking like Eunji. Just with short hair and a taller build. And that was when I realized the difference." He suddenly looked proud, his smile not wavering in the slightest. "I realized that you only talk about your worries when you know those people truly care. Now I'm not saying Miyoung or Inguk are heartless people, because they aren't, but I know they will never care as much as you do. Which is the reason why I never told them about my father. And this is the difference, Hana. I will gladly tell them about the latest news from my carefree life where I don't seem to worry too much, but you will be the first one I turn to when something bad happens."

"I don't know how to find this..."

Howon nodded. "I know. What I'm saying is selfish. Like happiness is what I'd only share with them and my sorrows are the only things you'd get from me. It really is selfish. But that's why I said it was entirely my fault. To be honest, I don't quite understand this either. Feelings are quite complex. The heart or whatever made me act that way is quite complex. I look at you, and in a twisted way you remind me of talking to my father about the unsaid things. And for some stupid reasons, I like to avoid these confrontations. I know they need to be done, but I'm too scared to take the step. I'm running away, you know."

He stopped talking after that, and we lapsed in silence, the sound of a summer breeze rushing past us. In that moment, it felt like time had stopped between us, and I was just Hana, and he was just Howon. Whatever he had wanted to achieve, he seemed to have got what he had desired.

"Here," he said after a while, breaking the silence. I turned around to see a piece of paper in his hand, folded into a square, as his eyes told me to accept it. "Open this when you're in your room."

I looked at him skeptically before reaching out for the piece of paper in his hand, in that moment slightly brushing his fingertips. The surface of the paper appeared to be shiny upon a finger's touch, like the advertisement posters on walls in some music studios. I shamelessly ignored his words, and started unfolding it, noticing him hesitating to stop me. As the piece of paper slowly began to reveal itself, and I realized what it actually was, Howon suddenly cleared his throat, seemingly trying to conceal his embarrassment.

"Underground dance battles?" I asked, staring at the vibrant colors of the poster and the dancers, who were just colorful shadows in the background. At the bottom, it read Seoul City Dance Battles, under which the date, time and place were described upon.

"You said you've always wanted to come."

"Yeah..." Because he couldn't be more right.

"And it took me a whole road trip to finally get it."

Later that night, he offered to walk me home because it was already past 9, and he couldn't afford to let me go home without an , as he had phrased it. When the summer breeze became colder, he tried giving me his shirt, which would eventually led to him walking solely in his white tank top, but I refused to accept his kindness, and told him he should stop acting like a gentleman because, in a way, I had already forgiven him. Upon that, he started grinning, and it was obviously enough to make me forget the fight completely.

"This reminds me of the first time I walked you home," he said sentimentally, his eyes roaming around the neighbor's houses.

I smiled. "Ah, I remember. That was how we became friends, right?"

He nodded. "Do you think things would have been different if Sunggyu hadn't opened that bag of peanut chips? Or if Woohyun had bought you Pepero instead?"

There was a strange feeling in my gut upon hearing the name escape Howon's lips, but I ignored it like most of the times I couldn't explain the strangeness in me. At one point, I had started postponing the part of figuring it out on a later date. It seriously became a habit.

"I'm not sure why you're even asking these things, but yeah, things would have been different. On the other hand, we wouldn't know how different they would have been. We only waste time thinking about the impossible."

A different gleam was suddenly reflected in Howon's eyes, the corners of his lips tugging upwards. He was smiling. "I haven't seen you for weeks, and you've already grown so much without me."

"Then, I will stop growing up, and wait for you now," I answered jokingly.

"Please do. And on Saturday, let's meet each other at the station in Myeongdong."

After a few more minutes, we finally reached my house behind the corner. Howon, who had stopped in his tracks, turned to face me, his eyes searching for something in my face. Then he inched closer, and wrapped his arms around my body, his scent suddenly welcoming me like a bed of flowers. I hugged him back.

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice a whisper wandering past my ears. "I wasn't a good friend to you."

"It's okay." It really was.

"No, I'm really sorry," insisted he.

"I know."

"Thinking back of how I've treated you makes me so mad. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed."

"It's okay."

"I'm sorry."

When he eventually pulled back, and I had a full view of his face, I realized why he couldn't tell me all these things before he had hugged me. He had tears in his eyes. Howon's eyes were shimmering, a hint of his possible sadness written all over his face. Whatever courage he had to muster up in order to apologize must have hurt him a lot. It must have been hard on him too, but I was too ignorant to notice.

On that day, Howon's sincerity had reached my heart like the approaching autumn.

There truly was a repetition of some kind, now that it was almost autumn. Not only did it feel like my aunt and I were drifting further apart because of her sudden move, and it was clearly resulting to us being as awkward with each other as we were prior to our reconciling, it also seemed like my heart was somewhere else. Last year, I had been worried about Eunji and her thoughts of me meeting Howon for the dance battles because I couldn't explain to her how I had become friends with him so dearly, but right now I was worrying over my place in Myungsoo's heart, the guy who wouldn't reply to my peace offering. Granted, I didn't feel too hurt by his rejection, because I had Howon and he was more than enough, but it wasn't really nice to ignore my text message either. Almost every morning until Saturday, which was marked by the underground battles, I'd expect a reply, some kind of reaction, but it never came. I'd open the folder with all the contacts, and I'd stare at Myungsoo's name until I saw Sunggyu's right under his, and I'd forget for a while. This repeated itself until Saturday arrived.

Now I was standing in front of the underground station in Myeongdong when I spotted Howon from afar. He had a cap on so I almost hadn't recognized him, if not for the smile on his face. With my own lips tugging upwards, I greeted him with a hug as soon as he stood in front of me.

“Have you been waiting long?” he asked, embracing my body with his arms.

I shook my head in response, pulling back to have a full view of his get-up. Despite the warm sun shining down on us, Howon was wearing a black pullover with two blue stars on either side of where his collarbones should be. In the middle, there was a simple colored drawing of men from the Renaissance, surrounded by two golden lined circles. Letting my eyes wander towards the bottom, I was able to spot a gray, baroque-kind of pattern at the hem of his pullover, which was messily tucked into his black jeans. The straps of his shoulder bag were casually hanging down. Instead of his usual sneakers, he was wearing boots.

“Aren't you hot in that outfit?” I wondered aloud, scanning him from bottom to top.

At that moment, he grabbed the collars of his pullover, and pulled them away from his neck, as if to let cool wind rush in. “Actually, yes.”

“Then, why aren't you taking it off?”

“Once the sun sets,” he said, pointing upwards, “it's gonna be cold.”

I glanced at his feet. “Are boots necessary?”

“Ah, well.” Howon sheepishly placed his hand on his nape. “My brother took my sneakers. And I hadn't had time to look for my other shoes so I took my brother's boots instead.”

“Revenge?”

“Revenge.”

We began walking side by side, with him trying hard to endure the hotness and with me enjoying his misery. I later received a text message. At first glance, I thought it was Myungsoo's reply, but that was just the result of my eyes tricking me. Because who was I kidding? Myungsoo wouldn't answer my text anymore. He almost had a full week of time to respond to my message. And he didn't. The chances of him and me going back to being friends seemed almost too unrealistic.

The message was from Eunji, but its content wasn't really important to mention, so I will skip this part. In my peripheral view, I noticed how Howon was peering down at my phone screen to catch a glimpse of her text, resulting in me to give him a look. “What about privacy?”

He playfully acted hurt, pushing out his bottom lip. “Shouldn't we spend some quality time with each other? I mean, I haven't seen you for ages. We should catch up on each others' lives, don't you think?”

Putting my phone back into the pockets of my jeans, I reluctantly said, “Okay. You first.”

“Let's see,” began Howon, placing his thumb and index finger around his chin, “the road trip with my brother and my sister was great. We were in Daejeon, Jeonju, Daegu, Gwangju. Of course, we paid our family in Changwon a visit. Then, we drove towards Busan and Ulsan and after a one or two days of staying there, we decided to go back. I was in Daegu when I wrote you that happy birthday message.” He adjusted the straps on his shoulders before continuing. “I moved back to my parents. And they recently bought a new car, a black one, and they told me I could use it too when I actually get a driver's license. Though, we all know that the time won't come as soon as I might hope for.”

I stopped in my tracks, staring at him. “Wait, what? You said you moved back to your parents?”

There was a smile.

“Does that mean...”

He laughed. “Yeah.”

“You really made up with your dad?” I asked, excited. For some reasons, I felt tears stinging in my eyes.

We both looked at each other without a word until the brightest smile broke out on Howon's face, and I couldn't help but smile with him.

“In one way or another,” he responded. “I talked to him, and it seemed like the time away from each other did us good. He wasn't disappointed anymore. I wasn't angry either. We just talked like normal civilians.”

I couldn't wipe away the stupid expression off my face. “And what happened? After having talked like civilians, I mean.”

“My father and I made a compromise. He will allow me to follow my dreams when I get my degree.”

“That means?”

“I'm going to study Dance Performance with Practical Music.”

I looked at him in awe, my lips still trying to grasp the facts. Standing there was my best friend, Howon, Busan guy, and he was finally doing something he always wanted. The completeness I had noticed on him was definitely due to his father accepting his dreams. By all means, I believe a healthy relationship to parents is one of the essential keys to a life full of happiness. With your family standing behind you, life doesn't seem too difficult anymore, too hard to handle. Howon understood this as much as I did.

“I'm happy. I really am so happy for you.”

He chuckled. “Oh, and I've heard you're going to be a nurse in the future?”

“Who told you?”

“Sunggyu.”

I pulled my hair behind my ears. “Um, yeah, kind of.”

“When I break a leg, you're gonna nurse me, right?”

“Dude, I haven't started my program yet,” I groaned.

“But hey, you once treated my bruises back at the beginning of the year, remember?” Howon's eyes widened in this joyful way, as if to express his excitement of reminding me. “When we were playing soccer on a cold winter day.”

“Ah, I remember. With Dongwoo, Sunggyu and Woohyun, right?”

He nodded. “Reminds me of the good old days.”

“It was just half a year ago,” I interjected.

“But still easier.”

The underground battles really exceeded my expectations. The people there were great. Their outfits were flashy, their faces beamed with confidence. There was not a single person, besides me, who was unsure of their talent. Everyone was getting along. When we entered the place, some people seemed to have recognized Howon, shaking his hand or nodding their head to him. I wondered whether my best friend was considered a legend here, but upon asking him, he actually laughed at me.

“We all know each other in some way or another.”

The crowded hall was huge. It reminded me of the corridors in cinemas. Some pretty-designed posters were hanging on the wall, only the dim ceiling light providing enough brightness. Music came from the huge speakers at the end of the hall where I couldn't spot a DJ. Most of the people were hobby dancers, according to Howon. They were already bopping their heads to the beats of the music.

Before the dance battles began, I was introduced to FeelDog or, as I had know him under the name of, Gwangsuk. He was one of those classmates I never had the chance to really get to know. In the same class for three years, and I hadn't even cared to find out about that classmate of mine. I couldn't even remember ever having talked to him for more than five minutes. Back in high school, I only seemed to have cared about myself and myself only. How ignorant and selfish.

The battles, as Howon had explained to me, weren't really battles, but just a way to showcase one's talent. People weren't really competing against each other with winning in mind. In a sense, everyone was a winner. The underground battles were just created to let people express themselves through their individual and unique moves. Watching those dancers become so passionate when the music started made me slightly envious.

But what really blew my mind was when Howon entered the dance floor, and started smoothly moving along to the beats, his face changing, a different brightness in his eyes. Suddenly it felt like he became part of the music, as if he had never existed without it. In his black tank top (he had taken off his thick pullover afterwards), he danced like no one was watching, like it was the last time he would be able to dance in his life. After that, I couldn't look at Howon anymore without closely sensing the charisma he had put on stage.

Later that evening, after the underground battles were over, he had the brilliant idea of watching a movie so we agreed to visit the cinemas, ready to gladly accept every plot that was being offered to us. On our way, we passed by an ice cream booth in the middle of the streets, and we decided to cool off with some ice cream because the humid air in the halls from before had caused our clothes to stick to our skin.

“Hana,” said Howon as we were standing in line for the refreshment, “remind me later that I have to drop by at Sunggyu's place.”

I fixed my hair. “Why?”

“To get some of my things.”

“We can go now,” I suggested,

“What about the movie?”

“We can watch it later.”

He looked at me with narrowed eyes, obviously judging me. After a slight pause, he added, “I guess it was true, then.”

We were almost the next ones standing before the ice cream vendor, but since I saw Howon's statement as a change of plans, I pulled him out of the queue, politely bowing to the people behind us. Looking back at Busan guy, I asked, “What was?”

“That you and Sunggyu actually became friends.”

I considered his words. “Friends? I wonder.”

It took us exactly ten minutes (we did count them) to arrive at Sunggyu's apartment, but what we actually saw was something we hadn't expected to see. There was a heated conversation going on, outside on the corridor, the voice of a middle-aged woman drowning out his. Howon seemed as clueless to the situation as I was so we remained in our position near the staircase, out of sight from Sunggyu and the woman, probably his mother, and waited for the noises to cease. In that distance, we were only able to catch on some parts of the argument.

“I told you. I can't do anything about it.”

“Sunggyu, listen to your mother. Of course, you can. Just lend me some. I will-”

“Stop it. Just stop it. Do this for me, okay? Just stop it.”

It seemed pretty rude to continue overhearing their conversation so Howon started talking to me about his road trip. But I wasn't really listening. All I could concentrate on was the desperate voice of Sunggyu longing for a mother.

After a while, the noises stopped, and we heard footsteps approaching us. Howon then leaned in, pressing me against the wall to cover our faces. Our position, from the outside looking like we were making out, didn't seem very appropriate or decent, but in that moment we really didn't care. There was an unspoken desire between us to not get caught.

When Sunggyu's mother seemed to have left the apartment building, Howon looked at me, and said in a whisper, “Let's pretend we haven't seen anything.”

Then, we walked into the corridor towards Sunggyu's apartment. Upon a soft knock, he opened the door, and what greeted us was a furrow between his eyebrows. His lips were pressed into a line, his jaw clenched. The look in his eyes seemed empty, but after realizing who was actually standing in front of him, all of his features softened, and he smiled.

Sunggyu immediately let us in, hospitably asking us whether we wanted something to drink. Howon politely declined his offer, and went into his former room as I sat down on the couch, watching Sunggyu on the black TV screen disappear into the kitchen to look for snacks in the drawers above the kitchen counters. He took every bag of chips he could find, and placed them on the coffee table in front of me.

“Don't hold back,” said Sunggyu before disappearing into the same room as Howon.

Despite the previous argument he had with his mother, he was able to act like nothing had happened. If I hadn't experienced it myself, I wouldn't have noticed his efforts of trying to conceal his problems. I knew it wasn't my place to demand a confession, some kind of release, because we weren't exactly friends, and like Howon had said at our reunion, “You only talk about your worries when you know those people truly care.” Not that I didn't care about Sunggyu, though. I found myself caring a lot more than I should. But he didn't know that. And you just really don't pour out your feeling to people you aren't really close with.

I looked around the living room, staring at Sunggyu's traces, staring at the signs of his existence, until my eyes landed on the stack of CD albums next to the TV. In that moment, I heard his shuffling feet approaching me before he joined me on the couch.

“How To Save A Life, The Fray,” I read out absentmindedly, still staring at the piled up CDs.

“You like the song, too?” he asked as I turned around to catch a glimpse of him staring at his phone.

I nodded, although I knew he wasn't even looking at me. “It reminds me of my first love.”

“Ah, really?”

A pause. “Why do you like the song?”

He seemed to be thinking about my question. Hesitatingly, he said, “Don't we all loose friends at some point?”

But he wasn't really talking about Woohyun or any of his other friends.

Howon entered the living room just moments later, his shoulder bag now fully packed with what seemed like heavy books. Obviously, there could be something entirely else stuffed into it instead, considering the fact that Busan guy hardly read. I glanced at Sunggyu who was switching on the TV, simultaneously looking at his phone, as it seemed like he was busy texting someone. Maybe his mother, or a girl.

As a matter of fact, I couldn't concentrate on the cartoon characters, who were seemingly trying to climb up stairs or something, which was why I was glad when Howon started speaking, breaking the odd silence with his voice. “I have to go downstairs, now. My brother is waiting for me.”

Sunggyu looked up from his phone. “Why?”

“He forgot his keys. So I'll give him mine.” With that, Howon left.

So here was the thing: I was alone in the same room with Sunggyu who wasn't really paying any attention to me and a strange cartoon was running on the TV and he seemed to be enjoying it as he would occasionally look up from his phone to laugh at the jokes but I wasn't really enjoying anything not even his presence because everyone with two eyes would be able to see that I wasn't feeling comfortable in this situation as I would nervously squirm in my seat which he wouldn't notice. Yes, I did claim that Sunggyu and I had stopped being awkward with each other, that no one could call us Awkward Turtles with a sense of truth in its statement, but now that I gave it a second thought, my previous claim seemed to only apply to certain situations in which I wasn't completely alone with him. And now that it was just the two of us, I felt like I couldn't be myself anymore.

In my state of self-inflicted awkwardness, I randomly grabbed for a bag of chips from the coffee table, hoping for Howon to hurry up and come back. In my peripheral view, there was Sunggyu peeling his eyes away from the phone screen to look at me. At that, I suddenly became self-conscious of myself, a bit too much than I would have preferred. The noise of breaking the bag of chips open sounded like a lion's roar, and for some reason the strand of hair covering my face suddenly appeared ugly to me. I silently cursed at Howon for taking so long.

I dug my fingers into the bag, having in mind to eat the chips as soundlessly as I could, when the weirdest of all things happened to me. He placed his warm hand on mine...

Sunggyu was looking at me, his eyes roaming around my face, just like I was looking at him, with the greatest curiosity, and he said, “They are peanut-flavored.”

And that was when I decided I didn't need any more signs.