Reply Twenty

The snow was still falling when I gathered some in my gloved hands to form a ball. It was actually a bit too cold. I wasn't even wearing my thick scarf that was able to keep me warm even if it felt like we reached an ice age. My nose was running as I tapped on the snow to fixate it so it wouldn't fall off. I didn't even know why I came out to this playground near my neighborhood. I wasn't the type to play in the winter snow. I hated autumn. Why would I like an even colder season then?

Someone suddenly gathered my hair from the back to put it softly to the front, letting it fall over my thin scarf. My eyes wandered to my hair, realizing they indeed reached only to my chest. "You cut your hair."

I blinked at Howon who kneeled down, smiling at me. Then, I remembered that he called me to meet up. Even though we still had the school off; even though we were living in the same neighborhood of Hannam, it was still diffcult to see each other. He was busy; I was busy. I had to take care of Dongwoo since he recently caught a cold. I didn't know what Busan guy was doing the whole time, but I didn't ask him either.

"Looks good." He continued smiling before I looked down, avoiding his eyes and not noticing him staring at me worriedly when he spoke up, "You don't like it?"

I shook my head. It wasn't like that. Dongwoo said it suited me. I thought the same. It was nice to have a change. But something else was bothering me. "You are the first one to notice."

I wasn't wrong when I said that. Counting out Dongwoo - who was there when I cut them - and my parents - whose opinion I didn't really care about - Howon was the first one. No one else noticed. I could've slapped myself for acting sad about something so trivial. For being disappointed that Busan guy was the first one to notice. It was ridiculous. Before responding, he looked at me. "That's because you hadn't met any students from school yet."

I shook my head again, forcing a smile on my lips. "I met Woohyun and Sunggyu."

Maybe I was selfish to be thinking that they would notice. Maybe I was an idiot to believe they would see a change in me. It was just a hair cut. Why was I so upset because of that? No one said I caught their attention. No one said I was their friend. It was just me. Only me. It was only my wishful thinking. We both soon started being silent for a while. Well, what else did I expect? It was ridiculous, after all. Maybe Busan guy thought the same.

"Woohyun is turning 18 next week." he said, trying to change the topic. I knew the 8th February was his birthday. It wasn't really difficult to find out. At school, his friends always talked about it. But this time it was quite different. It could be his last birthday that I would be able to witness. After graduation, there was no guarentee to see him. "He wants to celebrate this birthday before school ends. Like going to noraebang.¹"

"Let's go there together."

Birthday. I sometimes ask myself what's so important about one's birthday. It wasn't even one's last birthday, it wasn't one's first. It was just one day in a year. It wasn't special either. I never understood why people made such a fuss about it. Why they wanted everyone's attention. Why they thought they were somehow special for that day. 18 wasn't even a big deal. But still, I was more excited to go than to see Big Bang's concert. I was happier to witness Woohyun turning 18 than to meet Johnny Depp. Maybe  I was delusional. Maybe I was stupid.

I prepared everything. I prepared what to wear, what to say to him and what to give him as a present. It was wrapped in red paper, put onto my desk. I was happier than usual. All the sorrows and heartbreaks I felt in the last weeks disappeared. I was back to optimistic Hana. I was in love again. I was euphoric. I just wanted to see his face. I didn't care about anything else anymore. I even forgot about that Hyuna girl for a moment. That day, the 8th February 2009, was my new beginning. That was what I told myself. He might have hurt me a lot in the past. I cried a lot because of Woohyun. But I promised myself I had to move on. I couldn't stay the girl who was unable to confess to her love. I couldn't be the one with the unrequited love anymore. I told myself I would fight. I couldn't wait any longer. It wasn't worth waiting. Woohyun was someone I had to approach on my own. This time I prepared my heart for that. But then, I forgot that my self-consciousness was like a big, fat and ugly strand of hair that kept on falling to one's face. One that just couldn't look good on you, no matter what.

Dongwoo stumbled into my room with his swollen face. He still had a cold, but it got better. His nose would occasionally run and his voice was still throaty, but he seemed to look better than before. Upon his sudden appearance, I noticed his chic clothes. He was wearing a plaid shirt in blue with a plain white t-shirt under it. His legs were covered with black jeans. But what caught my attention the most was his hair. They were swept to the side, making him look pretty cool. "Hanegi, you are going as well, right?"

"Woohyun's birthday?" I asked him when he nodded to me, taking a seat on my bed. "Did he invite you?"

I wasn't asking him in a way where I doubted that my first love would want him on his birthday. I wasn't implying that Dongwoo wasn't welcomed. After rethinking about my question, it might seem that way. Actually, I just wanted to ask. Since Woohyun never personally invited me. "Sunggyu texted me, who was told to ask me by Woohyun."

My heart cringed a litte as I noticed myself feeling upset. I blamed my self-consciousness for that. Why in the world was I born as this girl? As this insecure girl who couldn't even approach her first love? I always asked myself those things whenever  I was upset. But the real reason for me to feel hurt was uttered by Dongwoo.

"Did they text you, too?"

No. They didn't text me. They texted Howon, telling him about Woohyun's birthday since I highly doubted Busan guy knew by his own. They texted Dongwoo, my cousin who was here in Seoul for the winter holidays, but they never texted me. Not texting me about the birthday party was equal to not inviting me which was the same as not wanting me there. Unwanted. I was reminded of the day when Dongwoo and I met Woohyun and Sunggyu in Myeongdong. Just like that day, I felt unwanted. I felt upset; I was unhappy. Maybe I was an idiot to think I could do that. I said I prepared my heart for that. I said I mustered up all my courage. Maybe, just maybe, it was all a lie. Maybe I just lied to myself. How could I have been so stupid, thinking I was invited just because Howon told me to go with him? Out of all the heartbreaks I had to go through because of Woohyun, this was by far the worst. I knew I was close to crying. This just hurt so much. Being unwanted was the worst feeling I ever encountered. Not wanting me to be on his birthday. Why didn't I expect that? Of course, he wouldn't want someone there who wasn't his friend. We weren't close. I once said we were closer than ever when he sang me a song after the autumn festival or when we met at the basketball field in Myeongdong. It was true. Back then, we were closer. But everything changed. Maybe because I was too late. Because I waited for too long. I once read a manga in which a character said the following words: 'After all... love is all about timing. If you don't say the right thing at the right moment, no matter how much fate was involved in this relationship, everything will be ruined. Even if you regret it, it'll be too late.'²  It couldn't be any truer. 

I shook my head, faking a small smile. Dongwoo must have noticed my change of mood this time. He must have noticed my saddened heart as he tried to comfort me. "I bet they are having a guys' party, then. You should still come along. I don't think they will mind."

Again, I shook my head in response. I guess, I really lied to myself. All the things about being strong now and being able to fight for this love, they were all lies. I was a hypocrite. I thought I could do this now, but how am I supposed to make him notice me? He already had someone. Woohyun already liked this stunning girl. I had my chance. I already had the chance to be closer to him. I regretted not having confessed to him back in Summer. I was so close; it was the perfect moment. If he had rejected me, I would have got over it. I probably would have cried my heart out; I would have been upset for a whole month, but then I would have realized that life had to go on. Now, it was too late. I blamed myself for waiting, for not being brave enough and for being delusional. I hated myself. One moment being all happy and positive and the next moment, I wanted to cry. Woohyun wasn't good for my heart.

"But Howon is waiting."

"Tell him I'm sick." With that, I urged my cousin to leave my room. I laid down on my bed, facing the present I had wrapped for him. This was the end. Yes, I loved Woohyun for 3 years - in Summer it would be 4. Yes, I held on to this love for a long time, faced all the hardships and heartbreaks and kept on loving him. Yes, it was the best time of my life. I experienced what it meant to be in love. I got to know the feeling of wanting someone. I finally knew what it was like to be vulnerable. And yes, he was the one who hurt me the most. But without him, I wouldn't know the meaning of love. Yes, I wouldn't be hurt probably, but I matured through this love for him. Over those 3 years, I learned to forgive myself for my regrets and mistakes. Hell, I even made up with my aunt. Nam Woohyun. We were probably never meant to be. Or like Takeuchi³ said. It was too late. Like a beautiful butterfly that hatched from its pupa, my chance for Nam Woohyun flew away. It was nice as long as it lasted. Goodbye was the only word I had for him. Goodbye, my first love.

Looking back, I was stupid. I was a hypocrite and I was pathetic. Then again, I couldn't blame myself. I was only 17 years old back then. I was too young to know what love was. I was just a kid, back then. I thought I was mature, but I was wrong the whole time. Once you grow up, you realize first loves aren't the end, after all. No matter how much it hurt back then, time would heal everything. The 17-year-old me just needed time. I would have started hating myself, if not for the things that had happened on the very same day.

I didn't know how long I cried there. Face hidden with my blanket, I laid on my bed and cried my heart out. It was already dark outsite when I opened my eyes. But I didn't care anymore. I didn't care about anything at all. I think, my mother once entered my room to ask me something, but she quickly disappeared. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to cry. I wanted this pain to stop. Giving up wasn't easy, after all. Giving up a 3-year-old love was even more difficult. It wasn't like life wouldn't move on just because of me. It was just really painful to offer someone your heart, but to get rejected in the end. I hated myself like that as well. I hated myself for crying over something that wasn't worth it. He wasn't even my boyfriend. People would laugh at me if they knew Woohyun was just an unrequited love. Some girls cry because their boyfriend cheated on them or ended their relationship. I cried because I didn't even have the chance to confess.

My phone vibrated, telling me I received a text. Like I hadn't already expected that much, it was from Howon. He asked me how I was feeling. With a fake smile, I replied to him, saying I wasn't feeling well. Seconds later, he told me that it was boring without me. Before I could respond, he already sent me another message. "Half of the people here came uninvited. You should have come along."

I laughed slightly, noticing it was my first time today to show any other emotion than crying. I told him I was sick and honestly, I wasn't even lying. I had a slight fever; my forehead was slightly burning and I felt cold. I was probably infected by Dongwoo who was recently sick. But Busan guy didn't believe me. He asked me where I was right now. Home, where else?

I suddenly heard a soft knock on my door as my mom's head emerged from the door to tell me that I had a visitor. For a moment, I thought it would be Howon since he even asked about my currenct location but when that handsome face entered the room, I was speechless. Hair straight, bangs almost covering his eyes and curled-up lips. I hadn't seen him since forever. It was strange to meet him here.

"Hey."

Even his voice sounded weird to me. My mom soon left us alone in my room. Sometimes, I wondered whether they really treated me as a girl. My parents, that is. They acted like they could care less that their daughter was alone in her room with a bed, accompanied by a guy. It was like they didn't see me as a girl either. Like they thought there were only two guys sitting in their son's' room so they didn't need to be too cautious. His gaze on me tore me out of my thoughts as I awkwardly greeted him back. I wanted to sit up, but he stopped me, saying I was sick.

The last time I actually met Myungsoo was on Pepero's day. Well, I saw him even before the winter holidays started, but it was different. We hadn't talked back then. All of a sudden, I was again reminded of the unanswered text message. "Are you cold?"

I couldn't understand him. I couldn't see through him. Maybe it was just me and my overthinking of things. Maybe I was just sensitive, regarding this. Maybe he never received my message on New Year or maybe he was too busy. Maybe he had a hard time. I shook my head in response to his answer. This was definitely awkward. It was uncomfortable and weird. Even though he seemed like he didn't notice the awkwardness between us - or he pretended not to know - I still could feel it. I never disliked his presence. I actually really enjoyed it back then on that rainy autumn day. He wasn't like Howon to me, but he was still a great guy. I was able to be myself in front of him. We were close, back then. I just realized how close we were. I was even able to fix his hair. Just thinking about it made me nervous. Time suddenly changed our relationship. We drifted apart.

"I heard about Sooyun. I'm glad she doesn't have leukemia, after all." he spoke up. At least, he tried to make things comfortable for the both of us.

"Yeah... even though it doesn't feel right." I mumbled under my breath, avoiding his eyes. I couldn't blame him for our distanced relationship. Like I said there should be two people who would make the efforts for this friendship to work out.

"Because of the other family, right?" He smiled at me, his eyes displaying gentleness. For a moment, I wanted all this to stop. I wanted to forget Woohyun, his birthday and that Hyuna girl. I just wanted Myungsoo to look at me like this. I wanted to go back to that very autumn day. I wanted to go back and get everything right. I wanted to go back to summer and confess to Woohyun at that basketball field in Myeongdong. I wanted to stop Howon's father from hitting him. I wanted to prevent the doctor from mixing up the patient's files.

This was life. Regretting things, thinking about the past and not looking forward. This was what life was about. I believe, every single individual felt the same way. But when Myungsoo smiled warmly at me, I wanted to forget everything and sleep all the pain away. Then, I remembered my aunt's words. People should start forgiving themselves because of their mistakes. When I looked into his eyes, I saw a glimpse of his regrets.

I didn't know why I didn't ask him, back then. I was curious; I was worried about Myungsoo, but I never cared to ask. I was selfish to think only I had problems; that only I had to go through hardships of life. Instead of being a friend, I pretended to have fallen asleep. I think, I was scared. I was scared he might not want to talk about it. I thought he would get angry at me for asking about his personal affairs. In the end, I was just a scaredy-cat. I was scared of everything.

I thought Myungsoo would disappear back downstairs as soon as I pretended to have fallen asleep, but he didn't. He stayed next to my bed on that chair my mother brought along. We stayed there for hours until the doors opened and someone entered my room. Initially, I assumed it to be his mother who wanted to look for him, telling him to go back home, but the voice was much deeper than hers. "Is she sleeping?"

Even with my eyes closed, I knew it was Busan guy. I could recognize his voice everywhere. It was unique. They both apparently knew each other. Howon even asked him whether Myungsoo was his name. Of course, Busan guy knew him. I asked him for help after all when I was about to meet Myung's mother. As to why Myungsoo knew Howon's name, I didn't know either. Maybe Busan guy was indeed popular at school.

"I'm going to leave now."

"No, you can stay." was what Howon told him. Deep in my heart, I wanted him to leave. I wanted Myungsoo to leave. That was why I closed my eyes and pretended to have fallen asleep in the first place.

"It's okay. My dad is surely missing us. It's already late."

The door was shut closed when Busan guy flicked my forehead seconds later. I opened my eyes out of shock and anger as I glared at him. "What was that for?"

"For pretending to be asleep. Hypocrite." he answered casually. I shrugged it off before sitting up from my sleeping position to lean on the headboard of my bed. I took my time to glance over Hoya's getup. A white shirt with a grey pattern on the chest, jeans and hair messily styled. In one word, perfect. He was really good-looking like that. I wondered how Woohyun must have looked like when even Busan guy looked more handsome than usual.

"Why are you even here, satoori freak?"

"Because I was worried about that sick girl who pretended to have fallen asleep." He fixed his shirt as he looked into my eyes. His eyebrows were furrowed when he examined my face. "Have you cried?"

School started in the midst of February. In a few days, we had our graduation. I was looking forward to it, but one part of me wanted to have more time. Life seemed to quicken its pace and I was scared. I was scared of the future; I was scared and insecure of who I wanted to be; I was scared to think of where I wanted be in ten years; I was scared of so many things. Graduation meant the end. It was scary to think of an end. Our homeroom teacher gave us the task to write down our wishes and expectations for our future. It was easy for me. I wanted my aunt to be better soon. I wanted her to find her big love. I wanted Howon's parents to be treating him better. I wanted Busan guy to smile brightly without worrying about his dreams and his father's expectations. I wanted my close friendship with Eunji back. I wanted to watch Sailor Moon episodes with her together. I wanted Dongwoo to succeed in his life. He already left for his hometown since the holidays ended. I cried badly because I was so accustomed to his presence and then, he had to leave. He was my favorite cousin and I missed him.

I was struggling to write the last sentence. Did I really want Woohyun to be happy with his soon-to-be girlfriend? Did I want him to smile with that Hyuna girl? It was something that was reasonable to wish for. I wanted him to happy, but a part of me didn't want to act according to my good side. That part still saw myself next to him, instead of that pretty girl. That part still saw a slight chance for me to be his girlfriend. I still hoped for him to smile at me, instead of at her. But that part was pathetic. That part was stupid and I had to let go. I needed to let go of that part. So, I wrote down something else instead. Something that I really wished for. 

I wish the me in ten years will not regret when looking back.

There were just too many things I regretted as an 17-year-old. Not confessing my love to Woohyun when I had the chance. Not having realized sooner that something was happening to Howon at his home. Not having tried to prevent Eunji and me from drifting apart. I wasn't stupid. I did realize that we weren't the same anymore. Our friendship wasn't the same anymore. There were too many secrets between us. I regretted to have not told Eunji my feelings for Woohyun. I regretted to have let Myungsoo and me become awkward. I regretted to have argued with my aunt over silly things, only to realize how much I cared for her when she was falsely diagnosed with leukemia. I even regretted to have mentioned my dislike to Woohyun regarding Sunggyu. I was young and I regretted many things.

Howon and I were walking home from school when we noticed Woohyun at the gates. He was beaming next to Sunggyu, talking about trivial things. I noticed him wearing glasses even though I knew his eyes were perfectly fine. Maybe he wanted to look smart. But then, that guy beside me refused to wear his vision aid because he wasn't confident with it. Guys were indeed strange creatures.

"You only have a week before school ends." said Howon next to me. I knew he was refering to Woohyun. That I only had little time to confess my feelings to him. That there wasn't a guarantee to meet him when school ended. Maybe I would never see him again after graduation. This was what I was scared of.

"It's okay. I gave up."

He stopped walking when we reached a lonely street just around the corner of our high school. People barely stepped their feet on this ground since it was rumored to be a place for drug dealers. They always turned left whenever they passed the gates. But Howon and I once gathered our courage to turn right instead of left and we found out that this street around the corner of our school was just as peaceful as the other one, if not even peacefuller. Ever since that day, we decided to walk this direction since we were able to pass by an amazing convenience store, that sold delicious milk cartons, and even reach a bus station for our neighborhood. But this time, I doubted our walk would be as peaceful as the former ones.

"What do you mean you gave up?" His eyes were boring into mine as his lips twitched lightly.

"I said I gave up on Woohyun. There is no need to keep on liking him if he will never turn to me." I already decided on his birthday. I never had the chance to give him his present because he never invited me. I could have gone uninvited since Howon told me that half of the people weren't told to come personally by Woohyun, but that wasn't the purpose. I wasn't important to him so he forgot to invite me. Or worse, he thought of me but he decided not to tell me to come because he thought I wasn't worth it. My existence meant nothing to him, while his meant everything to me. As cheesy as it sounded, it was the truth. He was my first love, but as people always said, first love weren't meant to work out.

"Hana, what are you saying?" His eyebrows were still furrowed as his eyes looked kinda sad to me. I knew Howon was my biggest supporter. He always cheered me on. But I didn't have any optimism left for him to cheer. I was done with all of that. I lost my last hopes.

"I'm just saying the truth. It's not worth it anymore." I shrugged it off, proceeding to continue walking when he suddenly let out a scoff. I turned back around to see him staring into my eyes with an unreadable expression. 

"I can't believe you." He laughed sarcastically, running his hands through his hair. "Ok, Hana. Let me tell you four things."

He approached me with slow steps, eyes not wavering. "First, you can't give up a love that lasted for 3 years just by waking up and realizing it's not worth it. Did you even love him when it's so easy to give up? Why did you hang in there for such a long time, in the first place?

"Second, are you doing this to get pity? Suddenly saying you give up because it's not worth it? What is worth it to you, then? Are you drowning yourself into self-pity?" He made a short pause, walking closer to me. "Third, since when were you so weak? What happened to the girl who wanted to fight for this? The girl who wanted to win this battle? What happened to the girl I admired? If you could give up so easily, I would reconsider your feelings for him.

"Fourth, it's your own freaking fault for things to turn out like that. You were always waiting for him to approach you. You were always waiting for him to turn back to you. You were waiting for him to fall in love with you. Only when he started seeing that girl, did you realize that love isn't just in your favor. You always said it was okay like that and that you were satisfied enough with him being close to you. But in fact, you were just afraid. You were afraid of rejection. You lied to yourself. Damn, Hana! You are just being weak the whole time. But why?" His last question came out as a soft whisper as he stood right in front of me, looking down into my eyes. Tears already threatened to fall down and I did my best to prevent them from falling. I couldn't cry in front of him.

"Why are you so afraid? Look at me." His expression softened a little when he noticed that I was on the verge of crying. "I am here, right behind you. You can rely on me. You don't need to keep this all to yourself. Haven't I told you already? You have friends who would do anything to help you. If he rejects you, fine. His loss. But you still have me."

That was when I couldn't stop myself from crying anymore. All the pain and hurt from the previous weeks came crushing down on me. I let all the frustration out when the tears streamed down my face. The lonely street was filled with my own sobs and when Howon wanted to hug me, I pushed him away. I was angry. "I don't need someone like you. I don't need a friend like you who doesn't know anything I am feeling. You don't know how difficult it is to love someone who falls for another girl. You don't know because you never experienced that unrequited love."

And I meant nothing what I had said. Those words just seemed so right at the moment. I was still angry at him for critizising me. I was hurt by his words. I thought I could depend on him when I was lost. I thought I could lean on him when I was tired of this. I slowly looked up to see his shock and hurt expression. He hadn't expected me to push him away. Neither had I.

The eyecontact was shortly interupted when he looked to the ground. The next moment he spoke up, he stared into my eyes with more confidence and with no sign of the previous emotions. "But what kind of friend would I be if I just sugar-coated you, saying it was Woohyun's fault and you deserved better? Because right now, I don't see a girl in front of me who deserves better. I'm your friend because I tell you the truth."

I actually just wanted him to hug me and I wouldn't have pushed him away this time. I wanted him to tell me that it was okay; I wanted to cry on his shoulders, but my pride and anger got the better of me as I said the words I wished I had never said in my life. "Guess what, I don't need such a friend, then."

The words seemed so strange, so abnormal. It just didn't fit my feelings at that time at all. I never wanted to push Howon away. He was the one I never wanted to lose. He became one of the most important people in my life ever since Summer 2008. He knew my heart and supported me whenever he could. Yes, his words hurt me deeply and I was disappointed that he didn't show any support for my decision when he usually always did. But I was more disappointed of myself. That I pushed someone away who sacrificed his time for me. He was one of a kind. I would never ever find someone like him. Here came another regret to add in my list. I destroyed the best friendship I could ever have. Not only have I lost my first love, but also my best friend.

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¹ noraebang - karaoke room

² Obata Yuki's Bokura ga Ita, quote first mentioned in chapter 17

³ Takeuchi - a character from Obata Yuki's Bokura ga Ita

You guys can kill me now ;A;

I'm sorry, I really am.

But this was important.

LOL

Anyways thank you for voting up, commenting and subscribing. I love you all.