By Myself

Morning came and the sun’s rays blinded me. I hid under my blanket until someone puled it. “MINYOUNG-AH!” those two shouted. I rubbed my eyes and got a clear view that they were ready to swim. “Get into your bikini now!” Hyuna said. But I have neither bikinis nor any swimwear. “I’ll catch up with you. Go ahead,” I told them and they left the room. I just took some shorts and shirt with me.

I went to the beach where everyone was. They were as happy as ever. I slowly walked to a chair and silently sat there as I watch the rest have fun. “Minyoung-ah, why aren’t you wearing a bikini?” Gayoon asked me. “I just don’t have one,” I told her and saw some of the other girls laugh at me.

“You don’t have any swimwear? It really seems like it. They just won’t fit with your body,” Jessica said to me. I looked away. “I think you wouldn’t look good on those,” she laughed but the others didn’t.

“Don’t listen to them,” Leeteuk oppa suddenly said and went to sit beside me. “Let’s go play on the waters,” he said and pulled me to the waters. When we were near, I pulled away. I stopped and just looked at him. “Don’t you want to swim?” I shook my head and sat on the sand, making sandcastles on my own.

Nobody was minding me, just like how I wanted it to be. Suddenly someone shouted. “Someone’s drowning!” Jiyoon yelled. I looked around and wondered who that would be. The boys of beast were complete. So there were the fourteen girls excluding me. I counted the other boys and they were only 12. Wait, where’s— “Leeteuk oppa!” I heard Taeyeon and I turned at the direction of the water. My eyes widened at the view, Jungsu oppa was drowning.

I tried to go into the water, but I can’t. The memories of my past came. I can’t swim. I’m afraid to drown again. The flashback of me drowning as a child came at my mind. My mind, it was throbbing with the past memories of me. Getting drowned, being pushed to the water, not breathing at all, they were haunting my mind.

I turned to look at Jungsu oppa who was helpless. I wanted to help, but I couldn’t do anything. I’m helpless. I’m pathetic.

_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

“Minyoung-ah! Minyoung-ah!” I can hear them calling for me, but all I can see was the image I had when I was drowning. I felt that touch from someone. I slowly opened my eyes to see a dry Jungsu oppa.

“Jungsu oppa,” I called for him. I felt scared again. “What happened?” I asked and saw that everyone was at our room, all 33 of them was here. “You fainted,” he said. I guess those flashbacks were too much for me. “Is there something wrong?” he held my shoulder. I looked at the people inside and with that he made them all go away.

“Are you okay?” I asked him the minute the room only had us. He nodded. I ruffled his hair and he smiled. I sighed and hugged my knees. “How long has it been since I fainted?” I asked and thought for a while. “More than 3 hours I think.”

I looked at the time and it was already night time. I went to our balcony, and looked at the view. “Why did you faint?” he asked me with all worries. “I had memories.” I told him. My body started to shake a little. “Was that why you couldn’t go near the waters?” I nodded. I can sense he wanted to hug me so I nodded at him. He gently wrapped his arms around me. His warmth felt good despite coming from the sea awhile ago. “I was scared. Until now I’m scared.” I told him with my eyes closed.

“Dinner time!” I hear them yell. “Oppa, you go now.” I told him and he followed me. When he left the room, I waited for a while. I felt like I needed to go out here.

{Leeteuk’s POV}

We were having dinner. It’s been a while since I left Minyoung’s room. I felt nervous. I felt that something’s wrong or missing. I looked at the clock and it has been more than 30 minutes since I went to her. Something feels wrong. Minyoung!

I put down my plate and was about to go upstairs when Taeyeon blocked my way. “Oppa, where are you going?” she asked me. “Upstairs,” I passed by her. “But oppa—“

I didn’t listen to her anymore. I ran back to her room and saw an empty room. We would’ve saw her if she passed through the front door. I looked at the balcony. Did she jump over here? I looked and saw that it’s not that high and jumping from here is possible.

{End OF POV}

I looked at the mirror and saw the person in front of me, a horrible image of a girl who can’t do much. I’m not a normal girl. I’m unlike those ones downstairs who had the chance to live normal. They didn’t experience what I had experienced.

I took a walk not to the beach, but to the road. I don’t know where it leads me to. I don’t even care where I’ll end up. I just walked. I suddenly stopped and looked at a small store. I bought something to drink. I know what I was about to drink. I didn’t care what it was anymore and how could damage me.

I walked back to the beach and sat at the sand. I opened the bottle of that alcoholic drink I have and drank it. This was the first time I ever tasted it. The burning bitter taste ran down my throat.

As I drink it, I can’t help but think how worthless I am. I can’t do anything. I’m not beautiful and more. Why would I even care, right? I was born to hurt and kill people. I have no purpose but to be in a gang. Nobody cares for me that much anyways right?

I stood up and threw the bottle away. I slowly walked towards the waters. If I drown, nothing will matter right? Am I even important to them? They might probably be happy right now and not caring that I’m missing.

The waters’ wave was stronger as I go deeper. The water splashed my face and I would cough a little. I managed to walk until the waters were up to my waist. I was ready to leave this place called earth. I felt weak and let my body fall to the deep waters.

I can’t feel anything. Then I heard a sound as if someone jumped into the waters. I don’t want to look and I was just pulled away. When I can breathe already, I saw Jungsu oppa struggling.

“J-jung...su op-pa...” I tried saying. “Are you crazy?! Are you trying to kill yourself!?” He was yelling as he was getting us into the shallow water and land. “What if I was?” I answered. “Don’t say that!” he shouted back.

When we were at the land, we both fell. I was on top of him, slowly breathing while he was catching his. “Why did you save me? You could just leave me drowning there. Nobody would care anyway,” I told him as tears were forming at the corners of my eyes. “Nonsense! Someone would care! I saved you because I care about you! I care about you so much I’d risk my life for you!”

With those words and the energy I have left, I managed to hug him. He cared for me all the time. What was I even thinking about dying when someone cared for me? 

*I'm sorry. I stupidly posted some future chapters. I also posted it twice. I'm sorry. Thanks to ChiakiChan for telling me. This is the real chapter 31. The one that some of you read will be the one posted in the future chapters. I will just not state what chapter that is. I'm sorry. I had a problem with the laptop I was using last night while entering the drafts of the other chapters. I'm sorry. >.<