Calling... dol_ahjumma
♨ Kimchi Dumplings Review Shop ♨ || Closed Hiatus ||
Title[5/5]: “Living with Big Bang as TOP?” At first, I was a bit intrigued, yet confused with the title. Were you going to write the story in TOP’s point of view? But once I read the foreword I understood. Pretty clever title, heheh.
Poster(s)[4/5]: The red poster of your fic is appealing to the eyes, but it may confuse the reader. I actually like the quotes that were in the purple poster in your description (“Seunghee-ssi! You need to pretend to be TOP for a month!”, “Whaaat?”). It would be really neat if those were on your current poster. The white words do not stand out that well, but I kind of like the color scheme as a whole.
Description & Foreword [7/10]: I like the start of your foreword. It gives readers a bit of background information. The part about the F1 team confused me, though. I didn’t know what it was until I actually read the fic.
I’ve edited this part for you:
“It’s been five years but never once I step foot in Seoul ever since that horrible night that changed my life. No one knows what happen because the next day after I got offer from the State I just flew back there and never come back to Seoul. Not until I got news that Choi Seunghyun got into accident in State to meet me and that incident cause me to pretend to be T.O.P.”
Changed to this:
“After one horrible night five years ago, I decided to leave for the States. I did not tell anyone what happened to me, and never stepped foot in Seoul again, until I received news that my brother got into an accident. I had to take his place and pretend to be T.O.P.”
I just made it flow a little better and easier to understand. Now about the prologue: It’s a nice start to the story, but the way you end it doesn’t really leave anything to the imagination of the reader. I think you should change the ending to something that will draw the readers in, leaving them wanting to know more, or wonder what would happen.
Plot and Characters[23/30]: Your plot was not the most original thing I’ve ever seen, but it definitely was not an overused idea. It was definitely different enough to catch my attention and spark some interest. I personally didn’t like the idea of *SPOILER ALERT!* TOP’s accident being planned, but I understand that you put it in for a little twist, which was a good choice as an author. I like Seunghee’s character. She’s different from what I normally see on AFF, and fun to read about. I like her strong personality. But while I think Seunghee’s character is so cool, some of the other characters confuse me. Jiyong, for example. I like his role and character in the story, yet in the prologue, it seems like he is a jerk. Also, I notice that sometimes you just type out names. Like many of Seunghee’s friends from America, who you never mention again after chapter 2. And Kevin, Seunghee’s “scandal”, who appeared out of nowhere. Many aspects of your fic are quite believable, and make things interesting, though I would refrain from overstuffing things into your plot (Kevin/Seungri/Changmin/Jaejoong, the guy with the tape recorder, TOP’s planned accident) on top of Seunghee’s difficult task of trying to pretend to be her brother. Take it easy, and tackle these things slowly, rather than shoving everything at the reader all at once.
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Word Choice[9/25]: I checked your profile (like a creeper, yup) and I saw you were from Malaysia, so forgive me for automatically assuming English is not your first language, and I’ll forgive your grammar fails. There were A LOT of issues in grammar. So many, that I found it too hard to go through every mistake and fix them. Many of the problems I saw were of verb tenses (past vs. present). What I was pleasantly surprised with was your spelling. It’s flawless. Good job on that! I also recommend that you take the time to look over and reread chapters before you post them. I saw many errors that are easily fixable. Try to make sure you aren’t mixing up names or POVs. The flashback in Chapter 9, for example, was really confusing, and I wasn’t sure at some points who Seunghee was talking to, or yelling at.
Flow[9/10]: Your story flows at a pretty good pace. A lot of things are happening to Seunghee at once, like I said, and I suggest taking your time before throwing new things in, like plot twists and new characters. I notice your fic is very detailed, which is nice. But there are times where you give a little too much information. Did we really need to know about Seunghee’s deodorant? And I think using random Korean phrases throws your story off a little, because you have to translate for the reader in the middle of things, and that can ruin the mood of the moment.
Overall Enjoyment[9/15]: I have to say, I could not enjoy your story as much as I would have liked because of the serious grammar issues. However, once I was able to get past them, Seunghee’s situation amused me, so I was able to keep reading. And, I gave you an extra point here for including an NCIS reference and Casanova Seungri in chapter 12. They made me smile.
I think your idea was really great, and I don’t want you to be discouraged by this review. I’m very sorry this review took so long to finish, and I really hope that it helps you. You don’t have to take my advice, as I myself am not the best writer, but I still wish you all the best, and hope you grow to be an excellent writer.
I’ve edited this part for you:
“It’s been five years but never once I step foot in Seoul ever since that horrible night that changed my life. No one knows what happen because the next day after I got offer from the State I just flew back there and never come back to Seoul. Not until I got news that Choi Seunghyun got into accident in State to meet me and that incident cause me to pretend to be T.O.P.”
Changed to this:
“After one horrible night five years ago, I decided to leave for the States. I did not tell anyone what happened to me, and never stepped foot in Seoul again, until I received news that my brother got into an accident. I had to take his place and pretend to be T.O.P.”
I just made it flow a little better and easier to understand. Now about the prologue: It’s a nice start to the story, but the way you end it doesn’t really leave anything to the imagination of the reader. I think you should change the ending to something that will draw the readers in, leaving them wanting to know more, or wonder what would happen.
Plot and Characters[23/30]: Your plot was not the most original thing I’ve ever seen, but it definitely was not an overused idea. It was definitely different enough to catch my attention and spark some interest. I personally didn’t like the idea of *SPOILER ALERT!* TOP’s accident being planned, but I understand that you put it in for a little twist, which was a good choice as an author. I like Seunghee’s character. She’s different from what I normally see on AFF, and fun to read about. I like her strong personality. But while I think Seunghee’s character is so cool, some of the other characters confuse me. Jiyong, for example. I like his role and character in the story, yet in the prologue, it seems like he is a jerk. Also, I notice that sometimes you just type out names. Like many of Seunghee’s friends from America, who you never mention again after chapter 2. And Kevin, Seunghee’s “scandal”, who appeared out of nowhere. Many aspects of your fic are quite believable, and make things interesting, though I would refrain from overstuffing things into your plot (Kevin/Seungri/Changmin/Jaejoong, the guy with the tape recorder, TOP’s planned accident) on top of Seunghee’s difficult task of trying to pretend to be her brother. Take it easy, and tackle these things slowly, rather than shoving everything at the reader all at once.
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Word Choice[9/25]: I checked your profile (like a creeper, yup) and I saw you were from Malaysia, so forgive me for automatically assuming English is not your first language, and I’ll forgive your grammar fails. There were A LOT of issues in grammar. So many, that I found it too hard to go through every mistake and fix them. Many of the problems I saw were of verb tenses (past vs. present). What I was pleasantly surprised with was your spelling. It’s flawless. Good job on that! I also recommend that you take the time to look over and reread chapters before you post them. I saw many errors that are easily fixable. Try to make sure you aren’t mixing up names or POVs. The flashback in Chapter 9, for example, was really confusing, and I wasn’t sure at some points who Seunghee was talking to, or yelling at.
Flow[9/10]: Your story flows at a pretty good pace. A lot of things are happening to Seunghee at once, like I said, and I suggest taking your time before throwing new things in, like plot twists and new characters. I notice your fic is very detailed, which is nice. But there are times where you give a little too much information. Did we really need to know about Seunghee’s deodorant? And I think using random Korean phrases throws your story off a little, because you have to translate for the reader in the middle of things, and that can ruin the mood of the moment.
Overall Enjoyment[9/15]: I have to say, I could not enjoy your story as much as I would have liked because of the serious grammar issues. However, once I was able to get past them, Seunghee’s situation amused me, so I was able to keep reading. And, I gave you an extra point here for including an NCIS reference and Casanova Seungri in chapter 12. They made me smile.
I think your idea was really great, and I don’t want you to be discouraged by this review. I’m very sorry this review took so long to finish, and I really hope that it helps you. You don’t have to take my advice, as I myself am not the best writer, but I still wish you all the best, and hope you grow to be an excellent writer.
Total: 66%
Reviewed By: tillynilly
SmileFlyy-- has deactivated without informating me, sorry if you requested from her. Please request again from someone else.
Comments