Story being reviewed: Sleeping Beauty Meets Sleeping Prince Charming

Author: live_laugh_love

Reviewer: tillynilly

First Impressions: [11/15]  -4 for unrelated title and partly confusing description

Title: It's a little lengthy for my tastes, but it's properly capitalized and I like the bit of silliness it has. However, even though it links well to your description, you don't really explore the "sleeping" theme throughout the fic, or even allude to it once.

Description/Foreword: The description is pretty good. I'm a bit confused though. How does "always helping others" connect to being lost in one's "own world"? I understand the point you are trying to make, but it is not stated clearly. I suggest that for clarity, you just add a few words into the phrase.

"Sleeping Beauty is lost in her own little world of charity. She's always helping others, never taking time to care for herself."

...Or something like that. The rest of the description is fine. 

Appearance: The first poster is pretty and neat. All the pink gives the fic a very princess-y, girly feel. I am more partial to the first poster than the second one, since the blue poster starting from chapter 12 is sort of awkwarldly pieced together and unappealing. The font of the foreword is nice, but the changing colors of each paragraph are not. Try to stick with two to three colors of words in the foreword, because the many vibrant ones that you throw at readers in the beginning is a bit overwhelming. The font used in the rest of the story is good.

Substance: [7/15]  -8 for misleading character profiles, lacking cohesive plot details, confusing character actions, and boring starting chapters

Plot: The fic is quite interesting. The idea is cliche, but you still manage to rope some people in. However, your plot didn't really seem to stand out. It had a slow slart, and was a little boring. It was only around chapter five, when actual things started happening between Kris and Micha, that I began to get a bit interested in the progression of the fic.

There were times where you presented details that were truly unnecessary to the development of the plot of the fic, which is fine, but you have to make the details appealing to the readers. Use words that inspire pictures in the readers minds. For example, when describing the clothing store of chapter 4, your sentences could have been like this:

"Vintage clothing hung on racks all around you like a forest of prints, sequins, and ruffles. Instantly cheered at the prospect of such promising results, you set out to pick the most fashionably retro, yet stylishly fresh outfits, draping each article of clothing over your arm."

That sounds a lot more fun to read, right? Just taking a bit more time to express details in an organized manner is refreshing and interesting, and adds a lot to the substance of your fic.

Characters: Micha's character profile in the foreword makes her seem like a Mary Sue (a perfect person, which, frankly, is the most annoying character that could ever be conceived). Nice, rich, and defensive. But then the way you portray Micha in the fic is quite the opposite of what I expected. She's kind of rude and judgmental, not someone who would seem to be a considerate person.   I am confused by what kind of character you want Micha to be, and her abrasive personality is a turn-off. There are rarely any examples of her kindness, and even then, they are poor and superficial. Just smiling and saying, "Yes, I'll gladly do this for you even when I don't have to" does not give a huge impression of kindness. If you want Micha to portrayed as considerate, have her do something that would be hard for any normal person to do, like working instead of going to spend time with old friends or to a kick- concert she had been dying to see.

Kris is a stuck-up character, but I like the way you wrote his personality because there are plenty of times where readers can sense Kris's softer, more caring side in the little moments with s and sometimes Micha.

I suggest eliminating the character profiles/personality traits listed in the foreword entirely. I once read from a helpful AFF blog that character profiles at the beginning of a fic can be too limiting and rigid. If you take the time to add subtle details and actions into your writing, your characters will define themselves. Just make sure you know exactly what kind of character you want your leads to be.

The Nitty-Gritty: [6/15]  -9 for awkward sentence flow, inconsistent verb tenses, and confusing point of view's

Mechanics: I noticed a lot of ill-placed punctuation marks in the first few chapters of the fic. You have a standing battle of run-on sentences against your short choppy ones. It'd be best if you learned how to revise run-ons as well as the uses of punctuation. Finished clauses should be cut off from other clauses or at least separated by appropriate punctuation. The errors in grammar are frequent enough in your fic that I suggest you look for a beta reader to edit the little mistakes.

As you progressed through the fic, improvement becomes apparent and I notice less mistakes, although some are still there. I, a total grammar freak, was able to tolerate the later chapters a lot more than I could the earlier ones. Your spelling was all perfect.

Consistency/Flow: Your transitions from scene to scene throughout the fic are smooth and barely noticeable. That's great! However, many of your sentences are choppy and mechanical.

"You did this. You did that you usually do this. Your room looks like this. The trail of clothes led to the bedroom."

^^ That is basically what readers see- a list, usually actions first and descriptions following, or vice versa. It would be great to see descriptions littered in between the actions. Take your time in weaving your sentences together to make the flow much better. For example:

"The rich, tall homes flew past as you jogged through the pristine area. The occasional bakery or boutique rushed by as well, signalling an approach towards the business district at the end of the neighborhood. You waved and grinned as you passed by your various neighbors and friends. They had grown so accustomed to seeing you that some people, like the Kims from down the street, stood in their parking lot and waited to greet you as you ran past. Each person had a lovely smile on their face, heartened by your warm calls. Circling the block, you left your rich neighborhood and entered into the bustling business district where your favorite cafe, Rhapsody, was located. A cute little upscale bakery, Rhapsody served everything from scones to smoothies to muffins, and you would go there daily to relax."

Aside from the flow of details and actions, your sentences need to have consistent verb tenses. If you're going to make your fic in the past tense, keep all verbs past tense. If you want to make it a progressive present fic, keep all the verbs in the present progressive form. Again, I recommend a beta reader to help you find and revise these inconsistencies. Don't be discouraged! Verbs are the trickiest part of the english language, but with practice and a little help you can master them!

In chapter 4, you first told the encounters between the two characters in Micha's (or "your") point of view, but then in the middle of the chapter you switched point of views and retold the entire day through Kris's point of view. This is tedious to readers and can get somewhat confusing, especially in the second-person-narration ("you" fics). If you want both of the characters' thoughts to be expressed, try telling the fic in a third-person-omniscient narration (when more than one character's thoughts are presented at the same time; using "he", "she", "it", etc.). By giving Kris's thoughts while readers are experiencing a "you" feel from the writing, it is as if you are suddenly turning the fic readers into mind readers! If you want to keep the "you"-type narration, don't tell the readers what Kris is thinking, because knowing what someone else thinks without them saying it outloud is creepy and unrealistic. Whatever narration type you decide to use, don't use asterisks (*) to indicate internal thoughts. Use italics to make the fic easier on the eyes.

One more thing about the flow: I mentioned this before, but the beginning of your fic is very slow, and then in the more recent chapters everything happens so quickly and unrealistically fast. Try to keep your fic at a constant rate, or a logical fluctuation. It makes more sense to speed up at the of a fic rather than speeding up the part where the character begin to get to know each other. The readers want to see the relationship progress, so dragging those parts out would be most effective.

The Critics: [4/5]  -1 for some readers not getting the purpose of your fic, and ranking on your fic in your author's notes

Public Opinion: Judging by the comments you get (yes I read through them because I am a creeper), some of your readers enjoy the sense of humor you employ in the fic.

Author Integrity: I like that you are writing this fic for fun and not for popularity. That's what all writing should be for. And by writing comfortably, you seem to be improving as the chapters progress. Keep writing, and you'll get better! But go back and revise those beginning chapters because they are crucial to setting the mood of the story. In your author's notes, I noticed you apologize a lot for various reasons, like "lack of humor" in the fic. Don't apologize! If you like your fic, there are bound to people who do. If you dislike your fic, likewise. Be proud of your work, and confident in your abilities! ^.^

Reviewer Enjoyment Level: I have seen multiple fics with this general plotline, so I must say it wasn't as fun to me. I felt like I would already know how these characters would react to one another. The inconsistent verbs confused me during my reading, and the shallow characters were very irritating. However, I did like the little silly parts you'd try to include in your chapters. I also enjoyed seeing you slightly improve.  +1 for noticable improvement

Grade: 28/50 = 56% = F

Reviewer Notes: Don't be discouraged by the grade. Rather, use it as motivation to improve, and use my comments to make your fic more enjoyable to a wider range of readers. Continue to write for fun, and enjoy the task! I actually admire you for attempting to write a story in a whole different language other than your native one (which I am assuming). If placed in your shoes, I do not think I could pull off the same as well as you did. But, even though you've done quite well, I still strongly suggest that you find a beta-reader who is fluent in the English language to guide you through your fic and make necessary revisions, and I hope you learn a lot from that in the process. You have a great attitude about your writing, and I hope you can become a great writer by practicing, practicing, and practicing! ^.^ (Sorry this review took so long, our shop has been busy and I only recently received this.)

~tillynilly

@Kimchi Dumplings~