Story being reviewed: What can be repaired and what can not

Author: animeotakupooh

Reviewer: tillynilly

First Impressions: [11/15]  - 4 for erroneous title, awkward chapter spacing

Title: Pretty interesting title, and I can see how it's supposed to relate to the fic. However, to be grammatically correct, it should be "What Can be Repaired and What Cannot". 

Description/Foreword: The description makes a lot of sense with the title and the fic, but I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I feel like you reveal too much, basically telling readers the whole plot. At the same time, I think that the way you write the description makes the readers want to read your fic to find out the details on why Sora can't be fixed/healed, and how she got that way. Although, taking this objectively, I think you should make your description a bit less "summary"-like and more "intro"-like. 

Appearance: The poster and background are cool. I like the color scheme. The font is nice. However, what doesn't look good is the amount of spacing you put in your chapters between paragraphs. The extra space is not necessary; keep the lines of text of each chapter close so that teaders don't constantly have to scroll down. I know that you might have done that to make your updates look longer, but I'd rather read a short chapter that is all spaced together than read a SUPER spaced out chapter. 

Substance: [8/15]  - 7 for inadequate details, boring characters

Plot: The plot itself is quite interesting. I like how you give multiple characters' sides of the whole story, so that readers gradually get a complete picture. However, there were times where you really could have given more details and explanation. Even just a few extra sentences of details adds a lot to the quality of a fic. 

However, I wasn't able to really understand parts of the fic without reading your author's explanations at the end, and sometimes not even then. This is a big problem. You need need NEED these details in your fic so that your readers will understand your writing without needing an explanation at the end. So yes, the major point of this = more details please. I get that you were trying to go for a more "drabble-like" feel with this fic, but your writing shouldn't be so vague up to the point that noone can understand. 

I like some specific things, like how you'd include some comedy and witty ending one-liners (like Suho wondering if Lay would notice the TV screen wasn't actually on). I also liked the idea of Sora's eyes changing color signifying her true vs. submissive self, but like I said, with more elaboration it could have been much better. 

Characters: The character I really liked was TOP. His conflicting emotions are great reading material. Lay, on the other hand, was flat and two-dimensional. I personally was rooting for TOP to be with Sora rather than Lay just because I thought he was so.. boring. And after Sora started getting her memories back, her relationship with Lay was pretty cute, but still a bit boring. Taeyeon and GD as side characters are alright (great plot twist), but their relationship and confession of love to one another was timed poorly and too sudden. Like I said above, more detail about the main characters would be nice. I also wish you would have elaborated a little bit more on the importance of particular side characters, like Tiffany and her power or this random "Alembert" guy who came out of nowhere starting chapter 4(?), I believe. 

The Nitty-Gritty: [7/15] - 8 for faulty word choice, minor formatting errors, and too-fast flow

Mechanics: Chapter 14: "Kris is going to have an epilepsy," - the word "epilepsy" is used incorrectly. Epilepsy is a condition in which bright flashing lights and sounds induce seizures in a person. You can't have "an epilepsy"; although you may have a fit of epilepsy. However, I don't really like using that word in this context, so I'm suggesting you use the word "conniption," which is a fit of "hysterical excitement or anger (dictionary.com)." Or you could just use, "Kris is going ot have a fit." I'm sure either one of those is much closer to the meaning you're trying to convey.Wow I spent so much time on one little sentence.

Your fic was mostly grammatically correct. However, it was worded just a little bit awkwardly in that the sentence structures were a bit off from the standard. I don't really know what to tell you about those since they are understandable and not wrong. So, uh, yeah? If you think you may need help editing, look for a kind beta reader who'll look over your work and go through possible areas of correction for you. One problem I can spot right now is the format of dialogue in your fic. Take Chapter 1: 

"Do you want me to stay with you tonight?" Sora asked, as usual. TOP shook his head. "Not tonight," he said, brushing it off. 

When you have dialogue between two or more people, you need to start a new paragraph/line whenever the person speaking changes. This makes reading a lot easier and less confusing for the readers. Here's the correction:

"Do you want me to stay with you tonight?" Sora asked, as usual. 

TOP shook his head. "Not tonight," he said, brushing it off. 

I also think you need more variety in your word choice. You are repeating a lot of the same words and phrases throughout your fic (e.g. "said"), and frankly, it's quite tedious. Readers can get bored if your updates always seem like the same thing. I mean, how bored would you have gotten if I used the phrase "DETAILS DETAILS DETAILS" over and over in each section of the fic? /kicked/ Find new ways of describing or saying new things - for example: "Kris is going to have a conniption," Baekhyun predicted. "You got that right," Suho agreed, nodding his head in reply. For the word "said," you can substitue many other vebs. Use a thesaurus, that'll help! 

Consistency/Flow: I feel like your fic escalated way too quickly and that events just weren't presented in as smooth of a transitional order as they could have been. You can easily fix this by, you guessed it, adding lots of minor details! Tell me more about the characters' feelings and actions. How did they come to make their decision? What factors affected their attitudes and the outcomes? The pacing was just a bit too fast. Your verb consistency was fine, though. 

The Critics: [3/5] 

Public Opinion: To be honest, I was skeptical when I saw your fic had 17 chapters and only 6 subscribers. Either your fic was going to be really bad, or really underrated. I'm glad to say your fic is a bit underrated- the idea is different from anything I've ever seen, and it's not terrible. 

Author Integrity: Please delete chapter 12, you do not need a chapter solely for an announcement. Keep those in the author's notes or the story feed sidebar. Also, as the chapters went by, your writing seemed to.. regress. I found myself enjoying the story less and less as I continued to read on. This is most likely because the speed in which you are taking the plot is too fast, and the characters started to seem bland, dry, and unrealistic. 

Reviewer Enjoyment Level: +2 bonus points because the idea of a villain's unrequited love and conflicting feelings and the awesomeness of TOP make for a pretty rockin' second love interest. Also, the plot is quite original from what I've usually seen on this site. 

Grade: 31/50 = 62% = D

Reviewer Notes: I know this review may have seemed harsh, but I was trying to be fair. I wish I could have given you a higher score. Your fic does have its good points- like the novel idea, and interesting plot twists. The biggest problem, I've mentioned numerous times in this review, is you should add much more detail to fix unclarity in the plot and to make the chapters longer. Don't be discouraged- like I mentioned above, I did enjoy your fic because of its cool plot and such deeply layered TOP (oh yeah! <3). I applaud you for stepping out of the norm and doing something quite different. With continued practice and a better pacing, you and your novel ideas can get better and better! 

~tillynilly

@Kimchi Dumplings~