Calling... MinhosAegyo
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Like in the Manga by MinhosAegyo
Reviewed by: vnxazn
Title[3/5]:
The title isn't exactly eye catching.To me it feels sort of plain. It does go along great with the story, though. Because it has the word "manga" in it, I would suppose it would appeal more to an audience of otakus.
Design(Posters, Font Color, Font Style, and Backgrounds)[4/5]:
I liked your posters. I enjoyed the fonts and the contrast in colors. I also enjoy the fact that you incorporated the idea of a manga strip into it. That was very nicely done. I have to say, especially the poster on chapter two, the manga strip that's cleverly hidden in the poster looks exactly like Mei! I have to take a point off for your background, though. I understand that it's a manga you used for your background but it doesn't seem to relate to the story, other than that it's a manga and romance.
Description & Foreword [7/10]:
I found the foreword engaging, but the description didn't really pull me in. I can see that your trying to explain Mei's situation, but instead of just that, try telling us a little bit of the plot. But don't make the plot too revealing. That's the joy of a fanfiction. I also want to show you some things with your use of punctuation and small grammar errors on the foreword.
“In Korea it can mean older brother, or an older male friend,” His lips curled into a small smirk. “Or,it could mean boyfriend.”
If there is a closed quotation and comma before the word, make sure it is lowercase unless it is a proper noun; like a name.
“Mei, will you get up and stop being such a big baby?!” Minho yelled, (...)
Don't ever use double punctuation. It may seem to emphasize the word or phrase but it really just over exagerates it. Stick to a question mark and leave "Minho yelled" to emphasize the volume of the phrase.
"(...) I can’t go to school, I can’t face him."
“This isn’t one of your stupid mangas, okay?” he bellowed. “He already forgot about you! It's over!”
These are just little things. Instead of using a comma, use a semicolon. The word "he" should be capitolized unless it comes after a comma and closed quotations. For the last one, this may be just me, but I fine the italics to be over exagerating the phrase a bit. That might just be me, though.
Plot and Characters[24/30]: (Is your plot engaging? Are your characters interesting?)
Your plots was a bit overused, you know, a girl from a different country switching to a new school with idols; etc. However, I did like that your original character was full on African American. Usually I would see fanfictions where the original character would at least have a little bit of Asian in them, but nope, you kept yours original! I enjoy the fact that you took the time in the first chapter give a little background on Mei. When you introduced the boys, though, it was hard to really see Mei's first impressions of the boys. How were Jinki and Taemin less friendly than Jonghyun and Key? But I will give you props for slowly incorporating each characters personality in instead of an immidiate show. Though I found that Jonghyun and Mei took a fancy to each other a bit too quick.
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Word Chose[15/25]:
Here is where I'm going to have to take some major points off. First things first, always remember the rules I told you about the foreword. Especially the ones about phrases that are spoken. Try not to use parentheses in the middle of sentences to state extra information. An example:
He and my mom had been separated for two years (I was thirteen then), so I hadn’t seen my mother for a year.
Just make it three smaller sentences instead of a big one.
He and my mom had been seperated for two years. I was thirteen then. So, I hadn't seen my mother for a year.
Always remember to underline or italicize book titles and TV show titles. I've noticed that you tend to write reallly long sentences to show a situation in the story.
I was in the middle of watching episode forty-five of Beelzebub, when Oga and baby Beel were training to beat the powerful Demons, when my father shouted from downstairs. “Baby girl, come here!”
Try writing it in smaller sentences and combining some of the parts.
I was in the middle of watching episode forty-five of Beelzebub, where Oga and baby Beel were training to beat the powerful Demons.
"Baby girl, come here!" My father shouted from downstairs.
This way the sentences will be neater, and they won't run on. Another thing about spoken phrases is that you should use commas at the end unless it is an exclamation point or question mark.
“Yeah, I slipped, but I’m fine.” I answered, joining him at the round dining table.
It should be;
"Yeah, I slipped, but I'm fine," I answered, joining him at the round dining table.
One more thing is that you should try using italics instead of just plain text when it's the character(s)'s thoughts. This way you can distinguish what is being narrated and what is being thought or spoken.
Flow[8/10]:
Once again, I would like to say, Jonghyun and Mei fell for each other way too fast. Seeing as she is foreign, I would've thought that she'd feel more awkward than flattered by what he did. Mei's Korean also went from almost perfect to absolutely perfect in three days...
Overall Enjoyment[12/15]:
Overall, I thought the story was very cute. You have a large subscribers base who are very dedicated to your story, so don't be discouraged by my review! I just didn't enjoy how you brought Key into the story as a friendly person intent on being Mei's first friend, and then after the second chapter, he just dropped off the face of the Earth. In the future, I would suggest if you write something like this, slow it down just a bit. Instead of having Jonghyun invite Mei on a date right away, have him drop hints, tease the readers if you know what I mean. And really check over your grammar after you write a story.
Grade: 73% (C)
R/N: Don't be discouraged by my review! Your story has a really good potential. I was really surprised to see that the story was written on 8/3 with only nine chapters but you have sixty-one subscribers! Props for that, Ms. MinhosAegyo. I'm a bit of a grammar freak :) so always remember to proofread after writing! Thank you for requesting. - vnxazn
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