Calling... Marianations
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My Dear Heart - Marianations
Title[4/5]: (Does your title make sense? Do your title fit your story?)
You’re title isn’t at all that bad but it could’ve definitely been better. While it does sort of fit your story, in my opinion, it’s too common and not very eye-catching. It’s somewhat bland too. You should try to play around with words next time and this is just an advice that you can choose to either ignore or use in the future. -1 mark for the lack of creativity and effort.
Design(Posters, Font Color, Font Style, and Backgrounds)[3/5]: (Does your design suit your story? )
I think the photo that you picked of TOP wasn’t the right one; it doesn’t blend beautifully with the poster and the font could have been something better – something more dramatic. However, I do commend you for being able to make your own poster and making it somewhat suited for your story (admittedly, I at it).
Description & Foreword [6/10]: (Do your description and foreword captivate me?)
Your description was alright but it didn’t lure me in as much as you hoped it would. It didn’t make me too curious or too excited to continue reading. Also, there were minor grammatical errors here and there. In the future, – again, this is just merely an advice – please do try to lessen the things on your description area. Instead, try working on making it more nerve-wrecking.
Oh lord. Your foreword would’ve been alright if you hadn’t placed in the character information or background or whatever it is you want to call it. I felt that by giving out the details, you gave out the story itself. Honestly, after I had read the whole character information/background, I no longer felt the need to read your story. I could make out what could happen throughout your story. It was a major turn off.
It would’ve been okay if you just explained physical details (hair, eyes, height) and personality (bubbly, introvert). But no, you had to explain things that could’ve been unfolded within the story. -2 marks for inability to lure me through description, grammatical errors in your description and -2 marks for giving out too much in the character information/background.
Plot and Characters[23/30]: (Is your plot engaging? Are your characters interesting?)
I would’ve loved the plot a 100%, if it weren’t for the character information thing. I already knew most of the things that were going to happen, so I wasn’t at all surprised or excited with what was going on. Moving on to your characters, they were not bad. However, they weren’t too realistic. That’s something you have to work on in the future. -5 marks because I really didn’t love your story plot a 100% and -2 marks for your slightly messed up characters.
Grammar & Punctuation [10/15]: (Does your grammar and punctuation need improvement?)
Yes your grammar and punctuation definitely needs improvement. There are errors within your story but I won’t list them all out. What I suggest you do, is get a beta reader. I could even recommend you shops with beta readers if you’d like. Also, I advise you to read more books; those will definitely help you along your journey of being a writer. Anyways, here are some errors I’ve found.
Error: “What would you do… if the love of your life dies on your front… ?”
Correction: “What would you do… if the love of your life died in front of you?”
Note: Learn to differentiate in and on. In the most literal sense, on has something to do with surfaces (unless you were literally saying what if the person I loved died on me) and in has something to do with enclosure and containment. You can still put the ellipsis (…) at the end but I’d recommend not doing so.
Error: “ Don’t waste your money in unnecessary things, son. You know we’re poor ” A woman in her 50s said to her son...
Correction: “Don’t waste your money on unnecessary things, son. You know we’re poor,” said a woman in her 50’s to her son…
Note: Don’t leave spaces after the open quotation and close quotation. Also, there is always a comma (,) before the close quotation and the following alphabet after the close quotation will be lowercased. Again differentiate in and on.
Error: “ I already told you that I’ll take responsability of him ” He stated, rather coldly. She was impressed with the baldness of his words.
Correction: “I already told you that I’ll take responsibility for him,” he stated coldly. She was impressed with his boldness.
Note: Again, don’t leave spaces after the open quotation (or any punctuations really. Example: “ She is small ! ” As you can see this is wrong.) Always proof read before publishing, spelling errors can often ruin the mood of the story. As I’ve mentioned earlier the following alphabet following the close quotation is lowercased unless beginning a new sentence. Keep in mind also that there is a difference between baldness and boldness. Please don’t make me tell you the difference, check the dictionary. Never use words unless you know the true meaning behind it.
-5 marks for most of the errors I noticed within the story.
Creativity [9/15]: (Have I seen this type of story before?)
Yes, I have. Honestly speaking, this is what your story lacked the most: creativity. This is definitely another thing you have to work on. Don’t worry about it, I lack this too. Just keep working on it, you’ll get better!
Flow [3/5]: (Does your story move too fast or too slow?)
The flow of your story was weird. Sometimes it was too slow, sometimes too fast. I don’t know why you’re doing that but do stick to one only, alright?
Overall Enjoyment [12/15]: (Did I enjoy your story?)
I didn’t enjoy the story very much but it wasn’t at all that bad. You could work on the things I mentioned above and definitely work on cliff hangers. Also, work on sentence build up, use power openers if you have to and lessen repetitive words. You’ve a lot to work on, just try to step out of your comfort zone. I did like some parts in your story though, I’ll tell you that.
Grade: 70%
Reviewer’s note: I’m terribly sorry for the late review; I have just recently finished with my government exam. I hope you work on the things I mentioned and try to heed on most of my advices. I know that there’s a lot but baby steps would do! Thanks for being patient and I wish you all the best!
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