It took her a while to find her way to the studio where she practices. Her ears are buzzing from the music and alcohol. And she staggers here for a quiet place. Without that guy guarding her, she had to put in a little more effort to shake off some drunk guys hitting on her. speaking of that guy, Yunho just gave her space knowing that’s what she needs to think.

It is one thing for Yunho and Yoochun having some cryptic friendship, but to find out Yunho and Hyori go way back, that takes a little while to digest. She thought Yunho is Lee Hyori’s fan, but can it be a simple fan’s love for an idol when you’ve known the idol personally for years?

Jaejoong turns on the lights at the back of the room and finds herself staring at her reflection in the large mirrors. Her dress is pristine as the time she wore it, her hair exactly how the stylist sprayed in place. Her makeup is washed off from her tears before they were here and her cheeks are flushed from the one too many cosmos.

No matter how she looks, there’s no denying one thing- she has changed. The long even hair is now dyed and styled, the loose sweaters and jeans are replaced by the latest fashion that accentuate her body, and her sneakers are switched for shoes she can’t even walk in. it’s all because of that guy who did it as some confidence-boosting program for her.

She pulls out the hair band, not caring her hair got a little tussled by the action. She stared at it a long while thinking about the starry hair band he gave her, the one that sits on her night stand. Her gaze moves to her wrist where another reminder of his sits.

‘You're perfect just the way you are’- doesn’t he get it? this is not her! which means she’s not perfect.

She looks back at the reflection again, unrecognizable to her anymore. Her brain brings up unnecessary information like the article she read about Hyori dating a singer named Rain. She wonders if Yunho knows him too. But does it matter? She’s figured it now. Yunho doesn’t like a girl like Lee Hyori, he likes Hyori. And now she feels like she’s nothing but a pathetic replacement.

The door opens and Jaejoong flinched, dropping the headband in the process. She bent to pick it up but saw a pair of legs clad in ankle-boots. Straightening up, she looked at a smiling Hyori.

“Sorry, I didn’t know you were here.” Hyori sat on a chair there and took of her shoes. She let out a sigh at the freedom her toes feel. “the washroom is pretty crowded and I need some quiet. I’ve been so busy on tour lately, I haven’t had a moment to myself at all.”

“It’s okay, I’ll leave.” Jaejoong bowed and was about to head for the door but Hyori stopped her. “No, it’s okay. It’s not like you’re annoying like those drunk girls cackling away. in fact, you’re radiant. Do you have some skin treatment you do?”

A flustered Jaejoong took a moment to answer, “the coordi gave me some cream to apply every night. I don’t know what it is.”

“Ah, I should ask your coordi then.” There’s a long pause which is awkward for Jaejoong before Hyori speaks, “so how do you know Yunho?”

“We were classmates in high school and college.” Though if anyone knew both of them, they’d argue the stupidity of that sentence. Yunho was rarely in class and they barely had a conversation until that day in the book store.

Hyori, though seems unsatisfied with that answer, “You're just friends?” Jaejoong nodded, “nothing more?” after a long pause, Jaejoong nodded slowly, “Aw man! Here I was hoping he finally found his special person.” she looked at Jaejoong and found her visibly confused. She looked so cute, Hyori wanted to pull her cheeks, “sorry, didn’t mean to make this awkward for you. It’s just that… I know the pressure of our families. My parents flipped when I decided to follow my own career. Yunho had it the hardest since his parents separated.”

She chuckled humourlessly, “all his life he’s looking for normalcy. And when he doesn’t, his response is to shut people out, be mean, or antagonistic. He hasn’t spoken normally to me since I turned him down. Actually, he barely talks with anyone.” She looked at Jaejoong with a small smile, “Yoochun said he’s never seen Yunho as a normal human as when he’s with you. So I thought you must be special to him.” her smile turns into a smirk, “or maybe you’re not aware you’re special to him.”     

Jaejoong wanted to laugh. Special meant unique. Here she was groomed to be the object of his affection. “I think you’re mistaken.” She even wonders where the excitement to be in the presence of Lee Hyori has gone. It must be obvious to even Hyori by now that she doesn’t want to be here.

Hyori thinks Jaejoong might have been offended by implying Yunho likes her. so she tries to change the subject. “So, we’ll be working together from now on. I hear that there’s a lot of people interested in working with you. Yoochun is considering promoting you already. It would be great if there’s more female artists in Aria. Then I can take a break and hang out with Jihoon.”

That’s another thing Jaejoong decided is not going to work. She doesn’t want to go ahead with whatever Yunho made her. and especially not after what Hyori said. To Jaejoong, it sounds like she’s Hyori’s professional substitute too. “Excuse me, I have to go.” Jaejoong doesn’t care if she’s rude. She simply ran out of the studio.

She passed the hall where the party is wanting to get out of there. She was wondering if she has enough money for a taxi when she remember Shinhye arranged for a car. Speaking of whom, “Jaejoong-ssi!” shinhye called but Jaejoong was so lost in herself that she didn’t hear.

Shinhye couldn’t bring herself to pursue Jaejoong seeing her visibly distressed. But still, she wondered if she should just leave her like that. “It’s okay Shinhye-ssi.” The secretary found Hyori standing next to her out of the blue, “she needs some time to herself. Where’s Yoochun? I need to talk to him.”

“This way.” Shinhye led her back inside the party where Yoochun was with a few more businesspeople. Hyori signalled for Yoochun that they need to talk right when she saw Yunho leave the place.

~~~

Jaejoong decided she’s not going to cry. She’s not going to be that weak Jaejoong who needed Yunho to protect to her. she’s not going to be the person who depended on Yunho. period.

But she couldn’t help the little sniffle and hiccup each time she suppressed the tears. she has no time for it. she wants this stuff out of her apartment. She’s not going to be an idol and for that she needs to get rid of all these things. She’s dumped all the new clothes she bought to copy Lee Hyori’s style into a box. She packed all the hair straighteners, and curling rods, and other gadgets into their boxes to sell them online later because they’re too expensive to throw away. she nevertheless dumps all the makeup and skin products into the dustbin.

But the silly lovesick fool she is, she couldn’t bring herself to get rid of that watch or hairband. With nothing to put them in, she stuffs them into a Ziploc and stashes them away in her closet, far out of sight. As for that stupid bunny that right now looks like it’s mocking her, she can’t stand it.

When she came home earlier, she took out all her frustration against Yunho on the stuffed toy. She punched and strangled it, even hit it on the floor for good measure. Now it’s not letting her concentrate on getting rid of these stupid clothes. So she takes the battered bunny who’s missing an eye and a nose and just flings out of the front door. Whoever finds it, it’s their problem now.

*Knock* Knock* “Jaejoong?” of course, he had to find it.

“Go away.” Jaejoong yells at the door from across her apartment. She stomps over to make sure it’s locked. But with a guy as huge as Yunho, her poor door could be easily broken down. “Get lost. And take Puddles with you.”

“You named the bunny Puddles?”

“Shut up and get lost.”

Jaejoong pressed her ear on the door to check if he’s leaving. She tried to see through the peephole but she sees something black. That probably means it’s his mop of hair blocking the peephole.

“can you open the door?”

“I don’t want to see you right now.”

His sigh is audible even through the door. She just wished he left so she could clear her mind. Anything that comes from Yunho right now will only complicate her feelings further.

“you realised it didn’t you?” he decides to just say what he intends to even if there’s no response from the person on the other side of the door, “I’m sorry. That day, at the bookstore, I had a foolish slip of tongue. I didn’t think you’d really change yourself to be like her. But I never thought of you as her replacement. I was so happy some girl changed herself twice for me. And I know you're a nice person. So I wanted to do something for you. Trust me, I never wanted to make you into her. I was over when she rejected me years ago.”

“I still hate you.”

“yeah… you should. I shouldn’t have pushed you to do something I decided for myself. I know how that feels. But I don’t regret it. The Jaejoong that you became was not a different person. it was you all along. And it made me happy that I helped in that. I felt like an artist of a masterpiece. Don’t give up when you’ve grown so beautifully Jae. You don’t have to be like Lee Hyori but you can be the charming Kim Jaejoong. You’re more beautiful than any other girl out there… you’re perfect just the way you are.”

“I… I don’t like you taking credit for me.” He hears a little sniffle and he leaned his forehead on the door wishing he could just give her a comforting hug.

“I did that didn’t I… that’s right. You worked the hardest coming out of your shell… I…I hope you’ll do this Jae…not for me. Do it for yourself… I’ll be leaving now… and I’m sorry again…” Jaejoong thinks  this might be the last time she’ll talk to him. she slumps down the door, her ear still pressed against it wanting to hear every last sound before she might not see him again. “Jaejoong... I’m enlisting next week. If it’s not too much to ask, I’d like at least one friend to send me off.”

There’s no response, not even an indication that she’s still there. For the first time in his life, he feels his eyes smart with tears. He’s been let down by many people, he’s gone through too many broken relationships with many people. But he just decides they are not worth it, that he doesn’t need to waste his time or breath on them. However, this is the first time that his heart painfully constricted.

He tiredly whispered a good night, picked up the battered bunny named Puddles and trudged out of there.

~~~

The day came and Yunho is more depressed than nervous. His parents may have threatened with disowning him to get him to change his mind at the last minute. They might keep doing that for the next two years hoping he doesn’t continue after his mandatory service.

But they refused to even see him off. Yunho was hoping that they would at least do that much for him. but he can’t complain. His father arranged for a car and driver to drop him off. And there were more than necessary things in the car for him presumably from his parents. Their way of showing love was not what Yunho finds agreeable, but not bad either.

He has no friends or relatives either. He asked the driver to leave his stuff, sent back things he’s not allowed to keep and sat there on his lone suitcase hugging Puddles. Yes, he has it with him. why? He doesn’t know. He’s not sure what he’ll do since the stuffed toy isn’t allowed in the training centre.

But for now, Puddles is the remedy to his loneliness. It’s a big moment in his life and he needs someone to tell him it will be okay. But as he is now, only the last thing a certain pretty girl clutched for courage is now his source of comfort.

He turns his envious gaze at the crowd of men enlisting and the people coming to see them off. He can’t help but feel irritated by those lucky kids whose families are there. Among the large groups, he somehow spots the only twosome. They look like newlyweds, by the way their wedding bands glisten on this sunny day. they whispered words to each other before they kiss.

That alone makes Yunho snort in disgust. {Do they have to show off? Can’t these lucky piece of s be considerate to those who have no one to see them off?} he even looks around to find some lonely guys trudging to the gate of the training camp. They look like they have no reason to even wait or look around. Yunho doesn’t even why he is. When he sees that couple part like they are the protagonists of some cheesy drama, he decides there’s no point moping around.

He gives one last look to the bunny. He tried fixing it, putting buttons that looked like eyes and nose. but he couldn’t fix the arm that’s bleeding cotton. His expertise with the needle is limited. And he presumes that’s how this bunny will be sent back to his home. He makes a mental note to call the housekeeper later to preserve it well.

“Well, time to go.” He tells Puddles as he gets off his suitcase. He takes the bag and begins dragging it to the gate till it gets stuck. He thinks it’s a rock and he tries to pull the suitcase and it jerks forward. But before he could move, a force grabs his collar and yanks him backwards. “The !”

He stumbles backwards and turns angrily to see who the pest is. Who he sees knocks the breath out of him. “You’re here…”

“You know how long I looked around for this place? And when I’m here you don’t even notice me. You really are one brooder.” Jaejoong huffed, back to her old attire he noticed when she crossed her arms, “I guess I’m back to being invisible again.”

“You quit…”  Yunho says it apologetically, almost mournfully.

But Jaejoong snorts. “I wish. This is my look.” She spread her arms to show him her ill-fitting top and calf