Author:sujuELFsarang

Story title:A Little Too Over

Story type: One Shot

Reviewer:Tychee

Review completion:20/7/2016

Story Link

Overall Story rating: 4.5/10

~Title: [5/10]~

Your tittle is rather vague and not very eye catching. If I were to read your story based purely on your title I wouldn’t. It doesn’t leave much to be desired and my initial thoughts were, and I kid you not “This sounds somewhat boring” (I’m sorry if I’m being harsh, but it’s true). I get where you were trying to go with the title,but there are better titles out there,you just need to brainstorm a little.

However, you do get marks for creativity, I haven’t see a lot of stories with that title. What I can tell you though, give your story a title that you would find interesting, ask yourself would I want to read this story based on the title? If you find yourself saying no, then change it. Simple. 

~Foreword/Description: [4/10]~

Your foreword just like your title, did not leave much to be desired. It was not well written nor did it perfectly give us an accurate synopsis of what your story would be about; hence it was not very gripping so I did not feel enthused about reading more. It was written rather simplistically to the point it seems bland and boring, almost as if I’d just be reading another generic angsty love story. I’d advise you to go back and edit it and give your readers a little bit more substance, leave us hungry for more of what’s to come. Forewords should give readers a little backstory of the plot and the characters while not giving away too much. We should get to know your characters somewhat and have an idea of where your story will be going. I didn’t get any of that from what you’ve written.

~Plot [4.5/10]~

Your plot is not very original; the whole concept has been done so many times that it is a cliché. But what makes a writer’s work unique is how they incorporate their own voice and add lovely twists to an overused idea. I didn’t really get that at all, there was nothing special about your story. I pretty much had your story figured out. My conclusions were; she would either cheat on him too, kill herself or leave him. The fact that I manage to get it right, speaks volumes. You don’t want your work to be too predictable; which it was in this case, because I figured out the conclusion less than half way through.

I must add though; your plot is very believable there is no disputing that. However, I do have a question, Does Baekhyun spend a lot of time with his wife? If not, he should have actually objected to wanting to go out with her on her birthday. Also, he stated that it was his job to keep her happy, It’s clear Baek is very pretentious and wants to still appear to be the loving husband she knew, so wouldn’t he remember her birthday for the sake of playing her along? I think your story flowed well regardless of the fact that you had quite a few grammatical errors. What I do have a problem with is how you paced your story, some scenes seem so abrupt that I got lost a couple of times and had to re-read. How did it get from her being at home in her bed, and him going out to him cheating in their bed? How did they even end up there in the first place? Where was his wife?

~Characterization~ [4.5/10]

Your characters were pretty generic (basic) There was nothing special about them. Just your average day cheating husband and delusional wife. There has to be a reason why she loved him so much to the point that she was incapable of leaving him. It would have been great if we saw a bit of their relationship prior to the deterioration of their relationship. Furthermore, what was the catalyst to start said breakdown. You don’t just fall out of love with someone like that, it’s a gradually process and the person has their reason regardless of how stupid and selfish that reason may be; so what’s Baekhyun’s reason?

 Also a description of your characters would have been nice. I’m a stickler for character description. The way your character’s look plays a pivotal role in how your readers perceive them and makes them seem relatable. For example, we have no idea what Camille looks like.  I can understand that she’s very much broken by her husband’s infidelity, how does she deal with that? Does she not eat a lot? If so I’m assuming she’d be somewhat gaunt. Does she suffer from insomnia? If so I’m thinking she’d have a very worn look with eye bags. That even causes for another question, how  is she truly affected by his cheating?

~Grammar/ Syntax~[6/10]

I spotted a variety of errors while reading your story, mostly pertaining to tense shifting. For example: If Baekhyun had fallen out of love, what will happen to Camille?

It should be: If Baekhyun had fallen out of love,what would happen to Camille.

What  you wrote: They were happy for as long as she can remember.

Correction: They were happy for as long she could remember

What you wrote: Camille’s sure she loves it; especially the man she was bounded

It should be: Camille sure loved it; especially the man she was bounded to.

There were some punctuation issues,example:

Living the simplest yet perfect life

Living the simplest, yet perfect life.

Until silence left, nowhere audible 

Until silence was left.

I’d advise you to get a beta reader to mitigate these errors as much as possible.

~Vocabulary~[10/10]

Your vocabulary is clearly not limited; I didn’t have problems with It at all.

~Setting/Description~[7/10]

Your story was not heavily descriptive, which I loved. I think you used description where it was necessary. However, I would have liked for a bit more clarity in regards to your setting, where change of scenes is concerned.

~/Conclusion~ [8.5/10]

I think the conflict was somewhat resolved at the end of the story. Camille was able to finally leave Baek. However, I feel that there was more to be said on his part. He clearly has feelings left for Camille, because he felt some form of regret. So what will he do, will he go after his wife? Because of this sense of regret, I still feel there isn’t total closure for the couple. Just because she left doesn’t mean they’re over, they’re still married. Will they get a divorce, what exactly happens next. A total dissolve of the marriage would truly signify an end.  

~Enjoyment~ [5/10]

As I said before there was nothing special about your stories or characters, hence it’s not something I’d see myself reading again.

Total: [54.5/ 90]

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