Author: Twenty-six

Story title: Ambivalent 

Story type: Oneshot

Reviewer:KangSangMun

Review completion:8/1/2016

Story Link:

Overall Story rating: 4/10 

Title: [6/10]

The more uncommon your name is, the more unique and special it is.The same can be said for the title of your story, the more uncommon your title is, the more it will stand out. Your title is not very original; there are tons of fanfics on AFF with the same title. As a result, your story doesn’t really stand out that much to me since the title itself is somewhat overused. I’d actually advise you to change it, think long and hard about what you actually want to reflect in your title and retitle it. 

 On the other hand, while your title may not be very original I must say that it matches well with the plot and reflects the main idea well. Also, it somewhat aroused my curiosity a bit so I actually wanted to read it.

Foreword/Description: [4/10]

In all honesty your foreword did not grab my attention that much. Your title did a good job of stimulating my curiosity, but after reading your foreword I somewhat lost that interest because it did not reflect anything special about your story. The only thing that stood out to me was the fact that it would be another generic love triangle we often see amongst friends; which is not original.

I’d  also advise that you give a little bit more about your plot, not too much –but enough to make your story not seem so 'common', so that it  will actually grip your readers and make them want to read your fic. But, irrespective of the issues that I have with your foreword, I have to say that it did adequately project what your fanfic would be about.

Plot:[5/10]

Your plot idea, like you title is not very original. I know that there is nothing new under the sun, so it will be extremely difficult for any work to actually be 100% original. However, what makes your work special is how you own it, how you make it yours and I don’t really feel like you did that with this story. Your plot is believable – I guess. A love triangle is possible of occurring amongst friends, especially child-hood friends. But wouldn’t either brother know that the other likes Chaewon? Did Jongsuk know that Joongki likes Chaewon? If he did why would he confess? Also, didn’t he pick up on any hints that she had feelings for his brother and not him?

In regards to the pace, I feel everything happened too quickly. At times I was extremely lost because it suddenly shifted from one scene to the next, so it was pretty hard to actually follow what was exactly happening. And I’ll be quite frank, I was thoroughly annoyed; especially since I had to re-read the sentences a few time to actually figure out what you were trying to say. 

Characterization: [3/10]

I don’t think your characters are properly developed; you did not give any descriptions of what they look like or their personalities. Due to this, I was not able to visualize for myself what they look like or how they act; and as a result  I could not form an attachment to any of your characters.

You should spend time to adequately develop our characters because they’re an  important aspects of your story seeing that your entire plot revolves around them.Make them interesing so that I will want to read about them. 

Additionally, by having an understanding of how they act, readers can ascertain for themselves if a character’s behavior is justifiable. But because you failed to do most of what I stated above, your characters do not feel real to me.

Moreover, It would have been great if you gave us a backdrop of your characters and how they were able to actually forge their friendship and maintain it over the years.It would have also  been great if you actually showed the bond that the boys had, it would intensify the loss and allow readers to actually empathize with your characters on a larger scale. In this way I would have been able to feel the loss and the sadness your characters felt, and I wouldn’t have noted it as  such a fleeting thought like ‘oh he died’.

Grammar/ Syntax:[4.5/10]

In your request you had asked me to focus on the voice and flow of your story, so i'll give you a brief overview of what I think of it under this section. Your story dosen't really flow that well,because you have a good amount of grammatical errors littering your story.Furthermore, some of your sentences are not constructed properly; you use incorrect tenses sometimes, leave out the subject of the sentence so you have a lot of dangling modifiers here and there. Too much error in your work affects the overall quality of the story since readers will have to focus quite intently on trying to deduce what you're trying to say rather than enjoy the fic. If readers simply get lost in your fic that means that you have a great narrative flow and you were able to really grip them. 

I’ll point out and correct some of the errors you have below.

"When Jongsuk's words eventually became a phenomenal hit, I realized it was already eight months since he left us. Never failed to refreshen the first memories we had as trio; and it did more than just layouting the occult bleed inside our hearts - me and, Joongki. <<< "[Not quite getting what you’re trying to say here. Also,this paragraph is oddly structured and as such it was slightly confusing to read. Also what were his words? What did he say to her that it had such a lasting effect and what made his words phenomenal]

It has already been eight months since he’s left us; and in these eight months I never realized how much of an effect his words had on me until now. I never realized how powerful his words were, I never realized that those words had the aptitude to rekindle the fondest of memories I have of when we were the inseparable trio. [This is how i'd reword this paragraph]

"Remembering eight year old as the beginning of my friendship with the siblings was effortless but never did I imagined it would’ve caused every ounce of defense in me faded into nothingness."

I became friends with the siblings at the tender age of eight; it was a doting memory I effortlessly remembered.  But, at that age I was totally incapable of ever imagining that my friendship with them would lead to me knocking down the defense mechanisms I had put up.  [Is this what you were trying to say? If it is you should elaborate a bit more about her childhood, why would she need to have defense mechanisms up? ]

"An escalating beats shivered through my heart with every words being said."

[My heart beat escalated with each word he spoke] << This is how I'd re-word it 

"Their unison of laughters snapped me out of my fleeting mind"

[It should be: The unison of their laughter’s  snapped me out of……]

There are a lot of errors and I can’t really correct them all since the review would be too long.

Vocabulary:[7/10]

There’s not much I can actually say in regards to this aspect of the marking scheme. I think that your vocabulary is fine overall I guess, but there were times you utilized words which either left me confused because they were simply out of place or did not adequately get across the idea you were trying to project. For example; and it did more than just layouting the occult bleed inside our hearts [Occult is not the most suitable word to use here]

Their unison of laughters snapped me out of my fleeting mind [Fleeting should not be utilized in this context unless you’re trying to connote that she’s mad; which I don't think she is.]

Setting/Description:[4/10]

You failed to set a setting for your story; I have no idea where most of the events in your story take place. Where did he propose to her? Where did she meet them when they were kids? Where is she while the story takes place? Who is she with? Where did Jongsuk confess to her?

By giving an adequate description of where your characters are readers will be able to visualize it, which enhances the reading experience. It makes them enjoy it more because they are able to emerge themselves in the story completely.  

I don't think that youre descriptive skills are poor,you just have to work on your grammar so that it dosen't detract too much from what you're trying to get across.

/Conclusion: [5/10]

The end of your story was rather perplexing because the scene yet again shifts abruptly. What I do get is that Chae Won finally realizes that she cannot have a relationship with joongki because she was the source of the conflict he had with his brother. But how exactly was she the source of their conflict? Did the brothers fight over her? If they did why would he propose to her ? Don't you think he'd feel too guilty to propose to her after his brother died?

Enjoyment: [2/10]

I didn’t’ really enjoy reading your fanfic, there was nothing very special about it, the description was rather limited in my opinion, plus your characters did not leave a lasting impression. Also the awkwardly structured sentences made it hard for me to follow your train of thoughts, so I was lost most of the time. I’d advise that you get a Beta-reader if English is not your first language so that you can avoid making unnecessary errors. I don’t think I would read your fanfic again or recommend it, mostly because nothing really stood out to me and your plot is pretty common.

Total: [40.5 90]

I think you have great potential, you already have most of the basic down; just keep writing you will get better.Also if my review seems a bit too harsh or critical i sincerely apologize. My job is to be honest and to help you improve your stories. 

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