Author: Candie-chan 

Story title: The Spider's Gold

Story type: One Shot 

Reviewer:KangSangMun

Review completion:2/2/2016

Story Link:

Overall Story rating: 5/10 

Title: [10/10]

“The Spider’s Gold”, there’s a certain ring to your title which I really love. Your title is well thought out,  not only is it unique; it aroused my curiosity and compelled me to read more. I was rather excited to see what awaited me on the other side of that next button. I’d like to point out though; your title is essentially a predominant symbol within your story, since it is actually the representation of your character’s turning point. I’d advise you to focus on the ring, for instance; (1) give us a history of how it came into being?  (How was it made, who made it, with what purpose was it made)

(2) What does it have to do with your character?  (3) How did to come into her possession (was it a someone’s intention for her to find it, did she come across it by luck?) (4) Will a significant portion your plot revolve around said ring?  These are some questions you should probably take into consideration if you haven’t done so.

Description/Foreword: [7/10]

I think your foreword is relatively good, you effectively summarised the prominent points of your plot without giving too much away. In regards to grabbing attention, your plot didn’t grab me alot; this is mostly due to the fact that I had an issue with how you actually wrote it, in terms of how well it flowed. It was probably because of your diction and how you   arranged your thoughts.

 Has there ever been a turning point in your life? Something you never expected or experienced before? If that turning point hasn't come, you better prepare for it because that turning point could come in any minute or second. 

   Hayoung, a college student, who lives by herself in a small apartment, didn't know her turning point would happen so quickly. 

   Just with a golden ring, spiders, and a suspicious stranger Hayoung was going in for the most craziest [grammatically incorrect, should be craziest] ride of her lifetime or what we call a "turning point". 

   So...let's begin the story. 

Has there ever been a turning point in your life? Has something totally unpredictable happened and you just could wrap your head around it? If you haven’t experienced this, you better keep on your toes. That turning point could come any second, just like it did for Hayoung; a simple college student who had her life turned upside down by a golden ring, spiders and a suspicious stranger.

Plot: [6/10]

Your plot isn’t very original, I’ve seen quite a few fanfics with stalkers and so forth. As a result I wasn’t too wowed by that aspect, if you’re going to say she has a stalker make him unique. Why let him send her the generic stuff, like stuffed animals, chocolates etc.For instance (note this is just a random example I’m giving off the top of my head) your stalker has taken a liking to her and he has a wild fascination with dead things so he sends those to her, he could even send her spiders or stuff she likes. But I will acknowledge that the stalking is only one aspect of your plot, the ring plays a significant role and will definitely affect how the story will develop later, so it’s hard for me to judge this section so I’m judging from what I’ve read. I think your story has an okay pace, but I do feel some of your scenes were rushed. There wasn’t a clear transition from one scene to the next. For example, when she went to meet her friend and when the friend took her home. If you re-read that part you’ll realize that it does not flow well and can come across as a tad confusing. In terms of believability, I find it ridiculous that she hasn’t moved or gotten a roommate of sorts, she is being stalked after all.  

Characterization:[3/10]

I felt no connection with your character; I wasn’t drawn in by her because I didn’t think there was anything really special or intriguing about her. There was no description of what she looked like, that hampered the process of visualization because I just couldn’t picture your character. Also, as I’ve pointed out if she’s so distressed by her stalker why hasn’t she taken the initiative to move and find a new place? Furthermore it would be great if you gave a little bit of background about your character, like the school she attends, what she studies, why she’s studying said major?

What does she hope to achieve? Is there anything that fascinates her? What does she do to take her mind off her stalker or can’t she. I’d actually hoped that your character would have been a little bit more freaked out about having a stalker ; she should be emotionally distressed in my opinion. She’d probably be restless and if that’s the case her grades would fall, etc etc.

 Everything in your plot has to connect, because your character’s actions should be believable especially in regards to how they react to their environment and people around them. Additionally, why would her stalker feel guilty for scaring her? He sends her gifts and follows her around; clearly making his presence noticeable causing her to feel distress, and the bad thing about is that he’s been at it for almost a year? That’s not believable. It would also be great if you showed how she behaved/acted before she was being stalked then show her current state so that readers can see just how much her stalker is affecting her everyday life. Another thing too, how is she scared of her stalker but instantly felt comfortable with him? That does not  seem plausible at all.

Grammar/syntax :[10/10]

You had very minimal grammatical errors.

Vocabulary:[10/10]

Your vocabulary seems fine,but there is always room for improvement.

Setting/description: [4/10]

Description adds life to your story, this is how readers are able for see what you see, and see what your characters feel, see, smell and experience in general. Your story had limited description, especially in terms of the setting, I couldn’t picture where most of the scenes took place or picture what your characters look like as I pointed out before.

/ conclusion:[10/10]

I think the chapter ended beautifully and it left much to be desired.

Enjoyment:[5/10]

To an extent I did like your story, but there were also a few disappointing things about it. This story seems to still be in the early drafting stage so I don’t think you should not have posted it as yet. Not until you’ve worked out some of the plot kinks. You should now take some time to go over it and ensure that you describe the settings and give a decent description of your characters.

Total: [69/90]

---

I’m truly sorry that the review took so long. I hope you like your review even though i seem to have been a bit too critical. The truth is that none of us are perfect and there is always room for improvement. I think you’re on a good track so keep on writing. Don’t forget to credit the shop and drop a comment below or upvote once you have collected your review.