Author : dhyunnasworld

Story title : Penitent 

Story type : oneshot

Reviewer : sonnet

Review completion : 17/05/2016

Story link

Overall rating : 7/10

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Title [7/10]

Your title suits your story very well. Penitent, as you explained, means to regret something. But the sound of it and the aesthetic doesn't suit your story at all. It didn't catch my attention nor did it make me want to read more. 

Foreword/Description [7/10]

Your one-line description is perfect. It sums up the entire story in a single sentence. You couldn't have done it better. But in your foreword, you could hvae included a short excerpt or something, just to give the reader a small glimpse of what the story is like. 

Plot /Character Development [5/10]

I'm really sorry about the low score in this category, but I have to be honest here. Your plot is overused and cliched. I have read too many fics where one cheats on the other and goes to beg forgiveness. I liked only a few of these stories. There is nothing wrong in writing an overused plot; but you have to make it your own. You have to add your own spice to it so the reader is hooked; and you didn't really do that.

Also, the sudden flashbacks to the past were very confusing. You should do somehing that lets the reader know that they are reading a flashback -maybe write it in a different font? I had to sit and think for a bit which parts were past and which were present.

As for character development, there is basically zero development in chanyeol's character.  He cheats on Baekhyun, and shows no remorse for it, and yet goes to ask for forgiveness. Why was he mad at Baekhyun when he was in the wrong? There are so many holes and weird loops. Surprisingly, Baek's character is actually well developed. He starts off as a needy lover desperate and dependent on his partner, and then turns out to take a stand and become stronger. I only wish Chanyeol had shown that kind of 3-dimension development.

Characterization [6/10]

The Kris/Yifan confused me a lot. I didn't even understand it till I reached the very end. Chanyeol and Baekhyun's relationship seems weird and unreal to me. They don't seem to have the chemistry that most couples have. The one character I liked was Luhan. You wrote him in a different light -he was stronger and realer than the rest. I wish he'd gotten more of the limelight.

To be honest, I kind of hate Chanyeol. I don't hate him like I hate voldemort (i hope you're a hp fan) I hate him like i hate umbridge. An all-consuming hatred towards the character is never good. Maybe you should have included the reason for why Yeol cheated? I don't know.. but the whole story is loopy and weird.

Grammar [8/10]

Other than a few tense errors, there were no major mistakes. Your style is understandable  and clear. The fact that this was your first English story is impressive!

Vocabulary [9/10]

I never like having to google a word i don't know. You used simple, easy to understand language, and I applaud you for that. In many angst stories, the authors use complicated, long words and stringy sentences that make me want to scream, but you didn't. 

Setting/Description [5/10]

Your descriptions are... nonexistent, to be honest. You should take it slower and try to fill the story with as many details as possible so that the reader can paint the clearest picture possible. What did Chanyeol and Baekhyun's house look like? What do Chanyeol and Baekhyun look like? What does the countryside look like? 

/Conclusion [7/10]

An open ending, when used properly, can be very good. Your ending was good, in fact. It had all the aspects of an open ending, but it also was a happy ending and also a sad one. ChanBaek end up together in the end, but how long will it take for baek to fully forgive Chanyeol? Will he? Will Chanyeol cheat on Baekhyun again? 

To be honest, giving them a sad ending would have been better. I hope your readers don't kill me haha~

Enjoyment [8/10]

Despite the harsh review, I kind of enjoyed your story; mainly because of Baek and Luhan. But tbh, I don't ship ChanBaek, and your story did not change that for me.. 

Total : 63/100

I'm sorry if my review was harsh. I hope it helped! You have talent, ^^ and I am sure you will grow and  become an amazing author. Please do not forget to credit and leave a comment below after you've picked up. If you liked the review, be sure to upvote!