Saturday Midnight
The Sleepless Phoenix Review & Consulting Shop [CLOSED]
Author:GreenGardenPop
Story title: Saturday Midnight
Story type: One Shot
Reviewer:KangSangMun
Review completion:2/1/2016
Overall Story rating: 10/10
Title: [4/10]
When I first saw your title, I certainly raised a brow at it and thought to myself, quite an odd title; what happens on Saturday at midnight? But the problem I have with your title is that it doesn’t seem to connect. When I say connect, I mean it doesn’t really flow. For example Saturday’s Midnight, or Saturday at Midnight (these are both cohesive). But Saturday Midnight? Both words seem to dangle and seem like separate entity when it should be one, hence your title comes off as grammatically flawed. This could just be me though because I’m a little picky when it comes to titles. Your title however attests to the fact that Saturday and midnight will play pivotal roles within your story, as a reader I couldn’t help but wonder, what? So it did in fact grab my attention. Kudos to you
Foreword/Description: [9/10]
Your foreword is one sentence, and it is perfect. It summarized key points of your plot, but also left an air of mystery, it left me wondering, who could this strange musician be? What will occur when they meet? If there was an award for best sentence on AFF, you should get it, because you managed to pique my interest with one page turning sentence. Bravo.
But here’s a piece of advice,
“His habit of staying up late Saturday night led him to meet a mystery musician.” This is what you wrote
[mystery is a noun,you need an adjective-use mysterious]
but I would reword it like this:
[His habit of staying up late every Saturday night led to him meeting a mysterious musician who disappears after telling him a beautiful name and a shocking revelation]
Your foreword is good as it stands, truly,but I feel you will be able to hook more people with a little more, if you get what I’m saying.
Plot: [10/10]
Your plot isn't that original, I've seen a few stories where characters meet in similar situations. However, you managed to make this story your own because I did not anticipate that plot twist at the end. I should point out that I love how the story starts off as some mundane Saturday night, but it progressively shifts to being more as it leads to the . I love how you portray this change with the music being played, The music is faint, nothing but a lull in the beginning, but as it gets louder, it shows how the situation would intensify, shows how his night would change. It was a beautiful technique in my opinion. But it would also be great if you continued to describe the intensification of the music or her voice.
For example “With each step he took, her voice grew louder and his legs moved faster carrying him to where she was.”The pace of your story was great, it wasn't too fast nor did it drag to bore me to death.
Characterization:[7/10]
Your characters are very interesting, one is seemingly obsessed with the night and the other obsessed with finding their soul mate. One thing that I don’t get is, how is Jongdae cooped up at home on a Saturday night? As a university student, I’d figure he’d at least have a friend or two who would like to go out and get a bit rowdy as most university students do, or at least hang out. But he seems to be home every Saturday. Is there a reason why this is so?
Also, it would have also been nice if you had given us a description of Jongdae like you did Jiyeon.This would help us as readers to visualize and actually form a connection with your character.
This may also seem a tad trivial, but it did bug me a bit while I read your work ; you continuously called him 'the young man' even after you used his name. We get that he's young, you could just use the pronoun he or his name.
Also I’d like to point out where you could change up your character’s reaction a bit, so it seems a bit more realistic.
"I always come here every Saturday night because someone had told me, I'd meet my soul-mate here," Jiyeon interrupted as she looked deep into his eyes. "You know what she had said is right; I've found my soul-mate here. He is sitting next to me right now."[Yes this is slightly creepy, but I’d expect him to actually laugh that off and start to get nervous after he’s realized how serious she was]I’ve also realized that Jiyeon was ecstatic that he could see her, but then she brushes off his hand and says he’s too fussy when he says she should go home or else her parents would be worried. Why did she react like that? Her reaction was a bit serious given her previous demeanor, so I’m going to assume she has no parents or she has a bad relationship with them.
Grammar/ Syntax : [7/10]
Your grammar is near immaculate, there are few errors, in terms of words which are misspelled etc. Almost all of your sentences are constructed well, and properly punctuated, and it’s clear that you put a lot of effort into writing and spell checking. But a few things did stand out to me here and there.
“Looking up to the sky was useful anyway. It helped him to reflect on life; it removed arrogance away”[It seems a bit redundant to use removed and away since they connote the same thing .It would also be great if you stated how looking at the sky got rid of arrogance, and whose arrogance? Jongdae’s? ]The room was quiet except for the gentle rhythmic ticking of the grandfather's clock on the corner of the room[Not on the corner, but in the corner.]“It had been already four months since he moved from Ulsan, his hometown to Seoul to study at Seoul National University, his dream university and lived alone in a medium-sized house—it was a gift from his parents because he had managed to get into a top university. He missed his parents so much, especially his mother who would always wake him up early and give him breakfast.”[This paragraph seems to be awkwardly worded, I had to re-read it a couple of times]I’d reword it like this [It has already been four months since he’s moved from his hometown Ulsan to Seoul so that he could study at his dream school, Seoul University. As a reward for getting into the top school, his parents had purchased him a medium sized house in which he lived alone. He thought of his parents frequently and as a result he couldn’t help but miss them- especially his mom who would make him breakfast early in the mornings. ]"A young man sat in silence at his study table with his elbow….."[It is a bit redundant to say that he sat in silence, when you already established that the room is quiet]The young man lay down on the long wooden bench and put his left arm behind his head, staring up at the night sky and counting the twinkling stars. He wondered how they got so high like a diamond in the sky, wondered where they got their light, [and he didn't think they would fall.] This somehow insinuates that they have fallen[They young man lies down on the long wooden bench resting his head on his left forearm as he stared up at the night’s sky; counting the twinkling stars which were liken to diamonds. He couldn't help but wonder how they got so high or where they got their light from.]It removed arrogance away, and it made him feel happy and quiet[Would have been better if you said ‘at peace’ instead of quiet]" Ain't no one else here."[It would be great If you changed this to ‘there was no one else here’] This had me laughing a bit, so it ruined the mood a bit because it was supposed to be one of suspense. (Correct me if i'm wrong)Vocabulary:[10/10]
I see no reason to not give you a perfect score in this section, your vocabulary is outstanding.
Setting/Description:[10/10]
I think you did a great job of describing the settings, your descriptive skills are pretty top notch too so there’s not much for me to critique in this area.The only thing i'd like for you to do is actually describe the exact location of the bench he was on, was it in a park, in a garden ?
/Conclusion: [7/10]
Your conclusion was rather interesting, I got a few chills as the story came to an end, but I was rather disappointed that so much was still left hanging in the air, will jiyeon come again? What is she? What does she mean by soul-mate? Who is the strange woman she speaks of? Your story is a one shot so I was expecting more closure.
Enjoyment: [10/10]
I really enjoyed your story, it was interesting and it kept me on my toes, my heart sped up a little as he drew closer to the sound. In all honesty though, I feel this story would be better off as a chaptered story than a one shot. It has a lot of potential because your characters are very interesting; Jiyeon also seems to have a complicated past as well. If your story were longer I’d continue reading and I would definitely recommend it, it’s a good read with a great twist at the end.
Total: [74/90]
Thank you for using our shop, I appreciate it. I'm sorry if I seem a bit too harsh,but it's just to help you. You're a great writer by the way, keep it up and I truly hope you continue to write this fanfic. Also don't forget to comment below after you've picked up your review.
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