Author:Shirotakashi

Story title:If Byun Baekhyun Wasn't A Bad Boy

Story type: One Shot/ Chaptered

Reviewer:Tychee

Review completion:24/6/2016

Story Link

Overall Story rating: 4.5/10

Title: [5/ 10]~

I don’t think the title did justice to the story at all nor was it remotely eye-catching (at least to me) However, I give you points for originality. I didn’t see other fan-fics with a similar title when I checked on AFF. I do believe it is important that I tell you why I said the title did not effectively reflect your plot. Firstly, at the end of the one-shot, the huge what if portrayed in the title was not answered. If he wasn’t a bad boy, then what? But from reading your fan-fic he turns out to just be anti-social and ‘us’ the readers (Who are also the protagonist) Actually realize this. Hence any premise of him being a bad boy disappears, because he simply isn’t. Therefore, the title isn’t very suited for the story at all.

Foreword/Description: [4.5/10]

Firstly, let me start off by saying that I noticed quite a few errors in your description/foreword. I know that at times, as writers we can overlook simple errors and there is no way of 100 percent mitigating the errors we make because we’re human and we are flawed. Therefore, errors are often inevitable when we don’t have an editor or someone to give feedback. However, I’d advise you to get a Beta-reader if you can, to go over your story and check for errors. As a reader myself, if I spot too much error in the description I don’t bother reading the story, because; there’s a good chance there will be a plethora of errors in the actual story itself.

Byun Baekhyun is a well-known bad boy in your school and not everyone likes him. By not everyone, you mean everyone. But, you couldn't agree less to what everyone thinks because, for one thing, he's a bad boy. Every bad boy has about five dislikable traits. [What are these five dislikeable traits? I didn’t see any explanation of this In the story]

[Byun Baekhun is a well known bad boy in your school and most people don’t like him…by most- you mean everyone hates him.You couldn’t help but agree with them more- he was a bad boy after all.] <<< corrected version 

Well, one day, when your teacher assigned you to partner up with Baekhyun, since, well, no one wanted to be partners with neither [should be either] of you (Baekhyun = Bad Boy and You = Anti-social/Friend is not in the same class). 

You and Baekhyun decided to meet up at the library that afternoon, but he never showed up after an hour.[He showed up after an hour of waiting. So it should be , but he never showed up until after an hour]  Being the lazy you, you decided to take a nap. Just before that nap, you thought... What would it be like if Baekhyun wasn't a bad boy? Unconsciously, you dream about it.

Plot [5/10]

Your plot is  clichéd and  isn’t very original. I’ve read about similar scenarios like this a million times  to be candid, so it didn’t really wow me or get me excited in the slightest bit. In terms of believability, I’m a bit iffy about my own thoughts towards  this matter in regards to your story. To some it may seem believable, however to me, I had some issues with the fact that she magically thought he wasn’t such a bad guy after she woke up and he explained to her why he was late. I doubt that dream and his explanation could eradicate or scratch the surface of  a label he’s been branded with for quite some while. Also, why is he considered a bad boy because he gets bad grades and is anti-social? There are tons of people like that in most schools and I doubt people would consider them to be a bad boy or bad girl. Don’t you agree?

I think the pace of your story is okay and it flowed relatively well. What I would have liked though is a bit more backstory on your characters so I could be able to relate with them. For example In what class were they paired up to work together? Why didn’t anyone want to work with her? I thought she had a best friend? Doesn’t said best friend go to her school, are they in the same class? If she is in the same class, why didn’t she pick her? There are alot of questions that needs to be answered. 

Characterization:[4.5 10]

I know that this is totally relative, but, I do think it’s a good thing when writers give a character description. It somewhat helps with the process of becoming attached to the characters because it makes them real, your description breathes life into them per say. Also, Baekhyun feels like such an unknown character, meaning- there is so little we actually know about him and how he actually feels about how people view him. You stated in the description that no one liked him, on what basis is this accounted for? The entire school won’t hate you because you get bad grades and because you’re anti-social; like I said, there has to be more to this reasoning becasue your reason for it makes zero sense to me to be honest. 

Grammar/ Syntax:[5/10]

I spotted a good amount of errors here and there. I noted numerous occasions of tense shifting and poor grammar. For example; "Sssss..slap me..." You quickly mutter [Should be muttered]  and then snored. Like I pointed out earlier it would be within your best interest to get a Beta- reader.

Vocabulary[5.5/10]

Your diction was satisfactory, granted that there is significant room for improvement.

Setting/Description:[5/10]

Your description was very limited in regards to description of characters, surroundings and even the setting of the story, so I was a little disappointed to be honest.It's good to be descriptive because it takes your writing to a whole new level.

/Conclusion: [4/10]

There wasn’t much of a conclusion, nothing was resolved between the characters and Baekhyun is pretty much still hated by his peers for some unexplainable reason. We don’t know if they eventually worked on the project, or the purpose of them even working together in the first place. Truth be told, when it ended it felt like the story was actually beginning so this is why you procured such a low mark in this area. 

Enjoyment:[4.5/10]

I didn’t enjoy reading your story a lot, it was just an okay read for me. It isn’t something I’d recommend, think about or read again. I’m sorry if I seem harsh in this review, but I guess it’s more important to be brutally honest than to sugarcoat it. I think you’re a good writer, but you still have quite a way to go so don’t give up.

Total: [43/90]

I'm sorry that it took so long for you to get your review,I hope it  proves helpful. Thank you for using our services, please don't forget to comment or upvote after you've picked your reiew up.