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Author: SweetRebellion

Story title: Obey your mistress

Story type: Chaptered

Reviewer: vronvron

Review completion: 8/4/2016

Story Link

Overall Story rating: 7/10 

Title: [10/10]

The title is very relevant to thw story and is very straightforward. Not much else to say other than the title is unique as there don't seem to be any other stories under the same name on AFF.

Foreword/Description: [9/10]

Your description is very concise, it tells the readers the main plot, but also keeps the mystery so that the readers want to know more.

As for your foreword, the short character introductions are indeed useful as it gives the readers visuals to refer to when needed, or more importantly, as they're reading.

Plot/ character development:[6/10]

I feel like the character development in the story is soomewhat lacking. There is a lot of dialogue between the characters, and perhaps a bit too much. You should work on your descriptive language more and show readers rather than tell readers what Anita sees or experiences, rather than telling them strightforwardly or through dialogue.

As for the plot of the story, I feel as though it's a bit rushed, although I don't know how many chapters you are planning to make your story. Overall, more descriptive language needs to be used, however, you shouldn't slow down the story as that will only cause it to be a less enjoyable read.

Characterization: [7/10]

The characters all seem to have their own unique personalities, as seen by the way you introduced them to the readers in the foreword. However, you shouldn't just leave their descriptions in the foreword and expect readers to remember who has what personality.  You should try and incorporate more of their characteristics into their behaviour and the tone in which they speak to others. Keep it consistent so that readers are able to differentiate better between the characters as there are several whom you introduce from the beginning.

Grammar/Syntax:[6/10]

I am not sure as to why you continuously move onto the next line when you haven't even finished a sentence or paragraph. Are you perhaps writing this out on your phone? Every new speaker needs a new paragraph. So, you need to work on your paragraphing. I also noticed that you tend to switch between past tense and present tense. Try your best to stick to one as it can cause some confusion when reading.

I also suggest that it's best to differentiate between the narration of the story and Anita's thoughts. Her thoughts should be within '...'

Vocabulary: [6/10]

Your choice of vocabulary is very simple and could use some improvement. Using a bit more sophisticated language can help draw in more readers. When writing your story, always remember that not all readers are young, there are older readers too who would want to read a story with more sophisticated language. You have to have a good mixture to satisfy both the younger and a bit older audiences.

Setting/Description: [7/10]

The overall setting of Japan needs to be included. For those who have never been to Japan, it would be somewhat difficult to visualise such a place. I do not know whether you have been there or not, but I believe that you should perhaps do a bit of research about the main cities of Japan. As for the description of the mansion, I think that it is nicely done, but there is still room for improvement. Your descriptions are quite vague and so there is not a very clear image from the readers' perspective.

/Conclusion:[10/10]

As the story is yet to be completed, I feel as though you have room to improve your story here on out. I believe that it should help possibly improve your story and what will happen in the future.

Enjoyment:[8/10]

Overall, I enjoyed the story. It was something that I don't usually tend to read, but it was enjoyable nonetheless.

Total: 69/90

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Good luck with the rest of your story ^^