Put your name in the _____ places!

Enjoy!

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          After my night in the hospital, I went home, along side my oxygen tank. During my stay, the doctor said my O₂ levels have been improving since I was put on oxygen. I've been home for about a week now, and I haven't left my house once. I stayed in my room most days. Laying in my bed, memorizing every detail of my ceiling. All the cracks and small holes that peeked through. I rarely left my bed. I'd only leave my comfortable safe haven to go to the bathroom, shower, maybe eat, grab a book to read, or to go to my art studio. All of the art pieces I started had a really dark, depressing message/theme. My mood was really showing through. I didn't really feel depressed, but I guess it just feels normal now. I haven't seen the Bangtan Boys since the night of the contest. They've left plenty of messages, and even came by the house a few times, but I never answered. I wasn't ready to see their reaction, and certainly not ready to be treated differently. Taehyung texted me the most, and he was the only one I would answer to. I didn't say much; all I said was that I was fine and that they don't have to worry about me. Of course that wasn't enough for them. They wanted to see me, probably to make sure I wasn't lying. In a sense, I was lying, but this isn't something I should tell them over the phone.

          My doctor called me regularly, once or twice a day, asking if I need anything. My last call with her really woke me up though. "I know this new addition to your life is difficult to comprehend and accept, but this doesn't mean it's over, _____. It just means we've taken the next step to treating your CF. As most patients do, I presume you're at home, locked up and shut out from your friends that don't know the results of your tests? Including that boy we met a while back? Eventually you will have to tell them. I know you're scared of how they will react to this, but you have to at least explain to them what you want. It's your choice if you want to stay locked up in your room forever, or to move on and continue with life, which is the wiser choice. That boy you brought with you a few weeks ago? He seemed to be really interested in you. Just the look in his eyes said it all. Don't leave him hanging." I really questioned whether or not I could continue on with life as normal. I'm breathing a lot better than before; one pro. I have to carry this tank around for the rest of my life; one con. My list can go on, but one pro that really struck me was my friends. The doctor was right. I shouldn't leave them hanging, whether or not I was ready to be treated differently. They're probably really worried about me, so I decided to invite them over for lunch today. I'll tell them everything.

          The doorbell rang, and my heart started to race. It was time to reveal myself to them. I slowly walked to the door with my tank wheeling along my side in its little cart. I hesitated before opening the door, debating whether or not I should hide my face, but I opened the door anyway, with my eyes shut. The boys were talking amongst themselves, but stopped once I opened the door, probably from the sight of me. "Come in," I whispered, opening my eyes and letting them in. They took off their shoes at the door, each one giving me a concerning look, especially Taehyung. They all immediately sat around the room, sitting in intense silence.

          "So that's the results of your tests," Taehyung asked, breaking the silence, and I nodded.

          "You may already know what this is, but my oxygen levels are low so the doctor decided to put me on oxygen to keep my levels balanced. Before you all start to worry, I just want you to know that I'm okay. I feel fine and I'm actually finding it easier to breathe now. I don't want this to change anything. I don't want to be treated differently. I'm still me, there's just another part to me now. Please don't pity me, that's the last thing I want. Before, you couldn't even tell I was sick, but now it's quite obvious that I am. Everyone else will treat me with pity, and I don't want that from you guys. I'm sorry for worrying you all, I just wasn't sure how you'd all react to this." The room was still silent, and by the look in their eyes, they were sad, worried and possibly stressed. This is exactly what I didn't want.

          "Well, we're always going to feel bad about this, but we won't treat you differently. You might just need to give us some time to accept it," Namjoon spoke for the group, earning agreements from the others, except Taehyung. He hadn't moved since he sat down. All the other boys spoke, practically repeating Namjoon, but it was still sweet to hear them say such caring, uplifting words. The only one who hadn't spoken was Taehyung, and he was really the one I wanted to hear from.

          "Taehyung? How do you feel about this," I asked, walking closer to him. He snapped out of his dazed and moved his hands to his lap. He fiddled with his fingers like he was nervous.

          "You know," Taehyung spoke, "this kind of means your condition is becoming more aggressive? It makes me think of Chang Hyun, you know, since his cancer became more aggressive, so now he's dying soon."

          "It's not necessarily more aggressive, it's just progressed. Taehyung, I promise I'm not going anywhere any time soon," I replied, hoping he will understand. He's the only one I really needed to understand this.

          "Yeah, but from now until you're gone, you'll be suffering, and that's something I can't sit back and just watch. I hate this feeling of being useless. I don't know. I'm sorry, _____," he said, and got up from his seat. I grabbed his wrist before he walked too far. I can't just let him walk away.

          "I'm not suffering, honestly. If anything, this oxygen is helping my condition and I feel a lot better. This past week I've been scared of this. I've been scared to tell you all because I didn't want to hear you say that. There's nothing anyone can do about this, so you don't have to feel useless. It's okay." I placed my hand on his upper arm, but he pulled away.

          "There was a reason why I did what Chang Hyun asked of me, and that's because I agree with him. Why get to know someone when they're leaving," he answered, rushing to the door, collecting his shoes.

          "But Taehyungie, I'm not going anywhere."

          "I better go," he whispered after lacing up his timberland shoes and left. He slammed the door and I looked down at the ground. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid. I don't want him to think of me as dying, but that's all he sees now.

          "He only said those things because of his brother, it's not you. Besides, he'd only act that way if he really cared about you, like his brother, and he doesn't want to hurt you. We'll talk to him," Hoseok said as he hugged me from behind, trying to cheer me up, but it didn't work one bit. I felt hot tears forming in my eyes. I just nodded and left his embrace to go to my room. This feeling hurt more than my illness itself. I feel like a part of me died. Although this may have been obvious before, but I liked Taehyung, more than a friend. That's why his reaction meant so much more to me, and I guess my brain was the last part of me to realize how much I liked him, but now I don't know if he'll come back.