“Why does it have to be so hard to be with you?”

The low voice muttering in her ear brings tears to her eyes, the sudden hug surprised her too, but Hannah isn’t even sure of what she is doing when pressing her face against this chest and letting her hands go around his waist, holding on to him. She should push away and tell him to leave, but this embrace is where she really wants to be. For a moment she just wants to hold on to him, to breathe him in, to feel his heart beating in his chest and hear him breathe in her hair, to have everything being forgotten while she tears up at his words. Why is he not staying away from her? Why can’t he leave her alone so he can find his future wife and make his family happy? She tears up because she is scared of this, of what she is feeling and for being with him; she is scared when she isn’t with him. She can’t find her middle ground here, not when it comes to Kim Jonghyun, she can’t find her position in their dance.

She doesn’t know what to tell him, what to say, but she is reminded of her members wanting her to talk to him and she now has the chance. She pouts against his chest, pressing her face against him trying to keep her tears in.

He sighs in her hair, and she think he is about to say something. Shaking her head she looks up, but not to look at him. Her hand touches his jaw and she reaches for his lips, touching them gently with hers. Blinking she leans away, just a little to be able to look at him, and she can see him open his eyes to look at her, wondering, questioning.

“I don’t want to lose you,” Hannah whispers, not looking away from his eyes that keep looking at her as if she is a puzzle he can’t figure out. “If I don’t have you, I can’t lose you.”

“That’s your logic?” Jonghyun asks, his eyebrow twitches, “Your plan is to steal my heart and keep it away from me instead? What are you thinking?”

He grabs her head with one hand when she looks like she is about to step away from him, his face suddenly saddened by the thought of her leaving.

“We need to talk,” he tells her, his lips looks serious but when she looks at his eyes he just looks sad. “I never wanted things to turn out this way, I just wanted to create an event to let you feel special, to let you feel like the only woman I could ever do those things to. I wanted you to lean on me for one day.”

He brings it up so fast, and Hannah is frowning when hearing him talk because this is exactly what her members have been telling her – talk.

“The thing is …” Hannah whispers, lowering her head a little to not have to talk into those sad eyes, “each time you look at me, I feel special. I don’t-” She sighs, biting on to her lip when deciding on what to say. Jonghyun stays patient, waiting for her to continue. “You talk about marriage, Jonghyun. I know I say I don’t care about where we come from, but truth is that I am from Sweden; I have never imagined myself getting married before, and you are from Korea… Things are so different between us. Your mother doesn’t even like me-”

“I don’t care what my mother thinks,” Jonghyun interrupts her, meeting her eyes when she glances up to see his serious expression. “I have fallen too deep in love with you that even when my mother told me that your view of marriage is different from mine, I still told her that I can not see myself ten years from now, or even fifty years, without you by my side. Maybe it’s foolish, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. I am going insane staring at my phone wanting to hear your voice, Hannah. I have wanted to talk to you every day. Why can’t you just tell me the truth, why do you have to think that everyone will leave you in the end when I keep showing you that I am not going anywhere? I want to know. Do you want to be with me?”

She just stares at him, the tears crawling into her eyes until she blinks.

“I don’t deserve you,” Hannah ends up saying. She said it! She really said it! She knows that she has to tell him in the end, no matter however he reacts. She ignores his expression and continues to say; “That’s a good reason to why I said what I did. I don’t- I can’t see myself hurting you because of my stupidity and all the flaws I have. I don’t always take enough care of myself, I get mood-swings that make me crazy enough to break up with one of the best things that have happened in my life because of ghost from my pasts, but I am constantly questioning myself every second because I miserable love a person who I should not love for too many reasons but yet I can’t stop…”

“Don’t stop then,” Jonghyun whispers, and he shakes his head when Hannah almost sighs. He moves closer to her, putting a hand on her cheek. The warmth of his hand goes like electricity through her body, and she knows he sees her reaction, how he can feel it through the touch when she puts her hand on his. “I will not live without you, so please, don’t walk away from me.”

“Then what should I do?” she whispers, feeling helpless. She has no idea of what to do, knowing she shouldn’t be with him, and she was sure she would be explaining everything for him to make him understand why, but whatever comes out of her it doesn’t come out right.

“Be with me,” Jonghyun desperately answers, moving even closer to hold both hands on her cheeks, cupping her face to meet her eyes. “You don’t need to think about the future or the details, just be with me. Love doesn’t have to be as complicated as you make it seem. It is you and me, facing everything together. Unless these past weeks have been easy for you…”

Hannah shakes her head with a pout, the tears coming back thinking of these past weeks – a month – Jonghyun wipes a tear with his thumb. She loves his touch.

“Then stay with me,” he whispers, sounding so desperate, just as desperate as she has been when crying after him at night. “We can talk things through, we can take our time; I would do anything, as long as you’re next to me. Forget the risk. I am meant to be with you, we both know that.”

If you are dreaming about the perfect man confessing to you, begging for you to stay, would you wake up or would you try to stay a little bit longer?

Hannah pouts when noticing she is crying, suddenly hitting him on the chest to step away from him.

“Why aren’t you mad at me?” she whines and turns away with her hands covering her face, trying to wipe her tears. She would hate her if she was him, she can’t understand how he can stand here and tell her all these things after what she has done to him.

“I am mad at you,” Jonghyun answers, grabbing on to her to hide his face in her hair, and Hannah stops moving when realising he is crying too. “I just missed you too much. I have lived in hell because of you. Taeyeon got furious when I used her to try getting you jealous, saying I should talk to you instead…”

“I’m sorry,” Hannah whispers, her eyes closed tightly hearing him cry in her hair. Everything he has said, she can agree to. She wish they could be together forever, wanting them to never get tired of each other, of them to have a real kind of love that you dream of as a child when reading ‘and they live happy ever after…’. Even if she knows there is no such thing, she wants to spend it with him. No matter how stupid she seems to be, he always comes back to her. Why does he do that? For how long will he do that?

Jonghyun is shaking his head, she thinks he is, but he doesn’t say anything; instead he just hugs her tighter. Maybe she is a horrible girlfriend, but if anyone can make her a better one it should be Jonghyun. She just has to try harder. Because just like he, Hannah knows she can not see a nice future if it isn’t with him. it’s a wonder to that he still wants her next to him, but with Hannah thinking she has to try harder, she should stop questioning him so much.

“I’m sorry for loving you,” Hannah whispers against his shoulder. She moves her head to let her face his neck, holding on to him the way he holds on to her.

“Love makes people do the most foolish things,” Jonghyun mutters. She thinks he is still crying because he is holding on to her so tightly, because of the way his voice came out.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers again, tearing up anew knowing she has hurt him when thinking she was doing what’s best for him.

“You can make up for it,” Jonghyun whispers, “by never doing anything like this ever again.”

She nods wildly against his neck, moving her head to rest her chin on his shoulder, blinking to get used to the light in the room. Does this means they are back together? She can feel a stone fall off her heart thinking of that question, knowing the answer to it. She knows they have so much to talk about, that they have a lot to go through, but maybe they can take it with time like he said, maybe they can just … be.

“Maybe you should know one thing,” Jonghyun whispers in her hair when he has calmed down, “I asked Emelia for help to get to talk to you.”

Hannah rests her head a little on the side, giving out a ‘mm’. She has missed him; all part of him, not even Emelia can ruin that.

“She told me I could come now; she had taken the others away so you were here alone.”

“Does that mean you are back together?”

At the sudden voice over by the door Hannah almost jumps away from Jonghyun but he holds on to her arm when turning around, not caring that he has been crying when smiling at Emelia who is looking inside the room with an Carolina glancing at them, pretending she hasn’t seen anything.

“Am I heavenly good or am I?” Emelia smirks at his face-expression, letting herself and Carolina come inside with white plastic bags of food. “Then Jonghyun might want to stay over for dinner?”

Hannah puts her arms around his to hug it, hiding her face from her members when hearing Jonghyun chuckle at Emelia joking about their take-away food brought to the practice-room but she still says it as if he is in their home. Jonghyun agrees on joining them and turns to Hannah, kissing her on her forehead and patting her at the back of her head, his eyes looking as if he has just woken up from a haze – Hannah probably looks the same. She can’t raise her head, hugging him like a child clinging on to her parent when getting shy around strangers, yet she wants to take glances of him the whole time just to see if he is there, how he looks like, read his expressions. She takes glances of her members when they sit down on the floor too. Emelia has been mad at her all week, yet now it seems like everything is washed away, and it makes Hannah feel worse for what she has put them all through these past weeks.

Quietly she eats with them and each time she glances up at Jonghyun he is either looking at her or he has the silliest grin in his face. He looks perfect both ways.

Things are far from solved between them, it is like an unspoken agreement between them that they agree that they can’t live on without knowing they are living on together, and with time they will have to solve everything piece by piece. But for now, everything is okay.

They are almost done talking, mostly in silence, when Jonghyun talks about the comeback, laughing when pointing at the chairs to say that Hannah tried to show him but he gave up after a few seconds.

“It’s a y concept, you okay with that?” Emelia teases him, putting the chopsticks in to glance at them both.

Hannah glances at Jonghyun, quietly chewing while he too puts more food in his mouth.

“Don’t test it, Emelia,” Jonghyun chuckles at the rapper. Emelia laughs at his words and tone. He smiles at Hannah who looks down at the food with a smile. Maybe things can just move on as if nothing happened, though she knows she has done wrong to not just Jonghyun but to her members too. It isn’t awkward anymore either. Hannah knows her place, she knows she can look at him how much she wants, and he knows he can freely talk to the ladies. He never did anything wrong, other than being too perfect for an imperfect woman to handle.

After eating he leaves though, having to go on some meeting. Shortly after the other two ladies return, having great stories to tell from their Music Core visit, but Carolina is eager to be the one telling the story they have too, though it is Emelia who says the story that beats Music Core; Hannah and Jonghyun are back together.

“Oh my GOSH! Are you serious?” Maria cries out and hurries over to give Hannah a hug, almost starting to cry. “You are? What happened? Why couldn’t you wait for me? Did he come here? Oh my, I’m so happy right now, this is beautiful… Now I can fill out my speech to our filming in France too!”

Emelia is making faces behind Maria, imitating the talkative leader so Hannah smiles over Maria’s shoulder. They want the details, and Emelia tells them. She doesn’t really know anything about the talk as she only showed up seconds before she said something, but she tells all about how she planned with Jonghyun and Hannah adds that she told him a few of the reasons to why things happened the way it did, but for them she also says his dramatic way to bring her to tears and give her a hug. The ladies sit ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ while Emelia and Hannah are talking, and then Hannah is hugged again. maria can’t stop saying how happy she is and Julia asks if things will go back to normal, which no one answers because Maria tells Hannah how much the ladies wanted them back together; even Carolina says Hannah is starting to glow again.

Like always their manager interrupts the chatting and the ladies return to their practicing with new strength.

There is a small smile in Hannah’s face the whole time. For the first time in weeks, she is actually enjoying the practice. With the final member enjoying it, all of them can see there is a difference through their mirror reflection. And they do it over and over again, smiling when seeing that what this song has been missing during practice is the fun in it. Maybe the other members already knew about that, but Hannah only notices now. It feels like she has opened her eyes for the first time in a month; everything is clearer all of a sudden. She moves lighter, she is having fun dancing and both of those things looks so great to [POWER UP], where movement of the female body should be so obvious. Maybe they will be able to pull this through; the world can be in their hands.

Out of breath when the song ends, Hannah starts laughing when Emelia pushes her shoulder, probably meaning that Hannah should have done these weeks ago. The ladies start dancing without the music, doing the same choreography but without standing on their positions, just to cheer Carolina up on that this actually is 5 Pieces’ concept; to convince her that they can do this. With Hannah in on it, it is just one lady left to really enjoy this. Carolina has been doubtful about this concept since they first started to practice [Girls Power] last year, but they are sure they will make her believe with them that 5 Pieces can turn any concept into their style.

Before their practice ends, Jonghyun shows up by the door. It’s like watching the moon in the black night sky, he shines when smiling at Hannah and she hurries over to him when the ladies say they can take a break (just because Jonghyun shows up).

“What is it?” Hannah whispers when getting outside the room with him, her eyes focused on his. It’s too obvious they have missed each other, they are just glowing when smiling at the other – she is feeling guilty, deadly guilty, but she is still a little happy.

Jonghyun holds out a gift bag for her.

“It was White Day yesterday,” he tells her. “I made these for you… Mostly because you forgot the Valentine chocolate in my car that day so I had to give chocolate back – that was going to be my excuse for giving them to you if … well…”

“You didn’t make these,” Hannah laughs when looking inside the gift bag, seeing the chocolate in there.

“I put on all the hearts on the box though,” Jonghyun says and looks inside the bag to point for her to see, smiling when Hannah laughs.

“Thank you,” she smiles shyly up at him.

Jonghyun is smiling so widely at her, and then puts his arms around her for a hug. She guesses he has really missed her too. But even if they are like this, everyone knows that things are far from fine. They have issues, they need to talk things through, but for now … the happiness of their foolish love is too much.

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Hannah jogs past the camera, a yellow background. She is jogging past the camera wearing a colourful contrast-trim tank dress and high heels, reaching out for something and cutely calling out “chocolate~” so the staff is laughing and saying how cute she is. Hannah runs back with a cute whine “I want chocolate~” in Japanese.

The PD tells her when to stop and Hannah bursts out laughing right away. It feels silly chasing after air, but for the chocolate commercial she is doing in Japan, she is supposed to do that and that is what she is doing.

“Was that okay?” she asks when walking up to the staff and PD with a smile, her Japanese sounding natural whenever she is here.

“We should take a look,” the PD answers and gets Hannah to stand next to him to look at what they just filmed. They laugh at Hannah chasing the air. “It looks good, does it not? Do you want to do it again?”

“I’m okay with that one,” Hannah smiles at him.

He nods and says they will move on to the next part then.

Jonghyun spent a few hours with Hannah after his radio program last night, mostly just looking at each other, holding hands and talking. Hannah then went to Japan, where she for some hours has been filming the chocolate commercial with just the presence of herself, Manager Kawayama and the CF-crew. If it was another lady working like this, only with the Japanese people around her, she would have been awkward and not so talkative because of the language (Emelia would probably be quiet too, just do her job), for some reason Hannah imagines it like that. For her, personally, she has worked with the staff several of times by now, and she can get embarrassed and laugh at herself with them because they started off the day joking around about how the commercial will look like. It is based on 5 Pieces’ [Let’s Go!] PV, but instead of 5 Pieces singing and fooling around with a one-colour background, Hannah is craving for chocolate.

The staff praises Hannah for looking like she really craves for chocolate in the filming, and she just laughs at it every time. The shooting begun with the posters photo shoot, Hannah did a commercial interview too, so when Hannah finishes the filming for the commercial her job is all done and she ends up sitting in another room waiting to move on.

“Aren’t you leaving?” a staff asks by the door in Japanese, on his way to leave as everyone is packing up.

“I’m waiting for the ladies,” Hannah answers and gives a laugh when he looks a little surprised. “I have a few hours doing nothing now.”

“Ah,” he nods and then says his goodbye phrases with ‘you worked well today’ and ‘see you another time’, lowering his head to both Hannah and her manager in the room before leaving.

Hannah looks at her manager when the third person has walked by with the same questions. “I must look very lonely for them to ask that,” she jokes in Japanese with the female manager who laughs and agrees on that they probably look a little bit lonely. It’s been weeks since she was joking like this, feeling this light. She probably doesn’t deserve it, but she can’t help but to feel this way.

Hannah is fast to stand up when the PD stops by the door, and they exchange some words too before leaving. After a short while, Hannah and Manager Kawayama leaves to eat at a restaurant (just the two of them) and then head to the Tokyo apartment to spend the next few hours waiting there. How Hannah spends her time is different from her manager. Her manager sits with her cell phone and goes through some papers, talking to Hannah about a few interviews they are doing with the ladies later in the evening and she is cleaning up randomly in the apartment though there really is nothing to clean up. Hannah is practicing for [Girls Power] and [POWER UP] in the living-room, having the music on her cell phone. She takes pictures of herself too, still wearing make-up, pouting in the picture to show she is tired of waiting.

{Instagram, 5P_HANNAH: Waiting for the ladies to come to Tokyo… 5 Pieces will perform on Music Japan tonight, are you going to watch?}

Then she just rests. She is lying in the sofa, hearing her manager move around but she is just half-asleep herself for an hour before they can go get ready to join the ladies who are currently arriving from the airport. Tomorrow they have a schedule in Tokyo too; morning radio, they will make some school visits for anti-bullying movement PICTURE, then they got a few hours to practice the new songs, and in the evening there is Music Champ and radio too. Tonight they just have some interviews and Music Japan performance of [Let’s Go!].

5 Pieces are all smiles when doing their interviews. Things are back to normal; the ladies fooling around, joking with each other. One time when Maria says a few words to a camera, the ladies nicely standing next to each other by the wall, Emelia puts her hand on Hannah’s back, lightly tapping with her fingers so Hannah is just smiling at the camera, trying to not freak out at Emelia teasing her. As soon as the camera stops filming, Hannah hits Emelia a few times on the arm, whining.

In the last interview they are talking about the anti-bullying movement the ladies have been working hard on, being asked of how they found out about it and what they have experienced going around to different schools in Japan. One question too is if they have even been bullied in school or somewhere else, and Emelia says she was bullied once. She is the only one saying anything about being bullied.

“There was a boy in our class who was verbally bullying me,” Emelia says. They have already gone through what to say, so she got help with the Japanese words to not make too many mistakes. “The first times he would say it when I was on my way to class, walking by myself or when I stood by my locker without anyone around me. He started off doing it so just I could hear, but one day the whole class was in the corridor, Hannah and Maria was walking with me.” Hannah nods as she can remember them in 7th grade, the classes had been switched when a new school emerged with theirs and that was also when they got to know Julia and Carolina. She remembers the day clearly too, just what happened but she can’t remember what was being said. “Openly for everyone to hear, he said a few things to me. Not any nice things. Maria stepped forward right away, talking back at him. Maria is very good with words and she surprised him because everyone else had just been laughing at what he said, while Maria told him off.”

Maria is also nodding, quietly listening. Hannah remembers how furious Maria got when hearing the classmate make fun of Emelia, and Hannah too had been standing there, not laughing like the others.

“He didn’t say a thing to me after that, because I had Hannah and Maria with me,” Emelia finishes up with a proud grin.

“Maria sounds like she could have been the class president,” the interviewer jokes.

Maria looks surprised. “I wasn’t,” she says in simple Japanese, and the interviewer looks surprised and says it would have fit her well. Hannah nods on that, smiling at the idea of clever Maria talking about equality among the students and wanting to have candy after lunch every two days a week. It would have been hilarious.

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FAN-ACCOUNT OF 5 PIECES IN JAPAN:

5 Pieces were in Japan Sunday-Monday for [Let’s Go!] promotions, here are some collected info from fan-accounts about their interviews, performances and appearances:

- Emelia talked during their brief interview on Music Japan, they all seemed to be in a good mood. She asked viewers to stay cheerful and happy (usually you ask viewers to stay healthy, so it was funny)

- During an interview Hannah was whispering with Carolina half of the time, it seemed like Carolina asked her a lot of questions

- Emelia said she listens to a lot of J-pop group Arashi when she is in Japan, when being asked to sing one of their songs; Maria started to sing their old song [Sakura Sake]

- In an interview being asked what has made them happy recently Emelia said “I was sleeping backstage but woke up by Hannah giving me food, it made me very happy” and they laughed so much that Carolina almost fell off her chair

- Hannah was still laughing after a while and said that Carolina almost fell off the chair to explain why she was still laughing

- Being asked who has the worst sleeping habits Julia said Emelia has the worst one because she doesn’t sleep much…

- In the middle of an interview, Emelia was doing something with her hand behind Hannah’s back and Hannah was trying to hold her face from laughing

- Carolina was chosen as the member not getting angry easily, Emelia said “she is just weird”

- At HEY! HEY! HEY! Music Camp, I think Carolina was imitating Hannah’s way to sing for one part

- During an event Emelia asked who (among the fans) will come for the other event later, both Hannah and Maria raised their hands – they had done the same a few weeks earlier

- Hannah winked a lot during an event performance because of the sun

- Hannah seemed very troubled by the sun during the event; she kept turning around and blinking. A fan asked if she wanted to borrow his hat xD

- During the event, Carolina touched Maria’s hand and Maria said she broke her finger (?)

- Maria sang a bit of their ballad [When There Is No Tomorrow] on radio, she was really into it

- Emelia said she received a kiss on her birthday!

- 5 Pieces ate dinner with a Japanese actress named Emi Takei (born 1993, she is super popular as an actress and model)

- Before performance of [Let’s Go!] they were asked what they like about performing this song; Carolina said they aren’t wearing high heels

- After event at school they walked to their car with the students shouting around them, one student heard Emelia tell them to be careful.

- Fan from Europe had a conversation with Julia, she even got a picture taken with her! So jealous…

- 5 Pieces seems to be in a good mood, they are constantly smiling and looking to be telling jokes to one another

- Met Hannah at the airport in the morning, she came by herself for a shooting. She looked pale but was smiling happily when I asked her to take care of her health

- Hannah had seemed gloomy last time in Japan, but she seems to be feeling better now

- At the 23:20 radio on Monday the ladies said their friendship only seems to grow with time, now they don’t even have to talk to each other to know what the others want to do

- 5 Pieces were in a dance studio during the day, they were there for hours. A few fans were outside, we saw their manager going and coming back with food, and he came out a few minutes later to give us fans something to eat (5 Pieces had seen us through their window and asked their manager to buy for us too, omg so generous!) Emelia and Carolina opened the window to shout out a few cheers for us – they were on the second floor – but then Hannah apologized for us when closing the window and said we weren’t allowed to listen. A few fans said they were practicing a comeback song????

- Rumours among fans said 5 Pieces is preparing a comeback, so a fan asked them on Monday if they are releasing something new in Japan soon but the ladies seemed to think it is not likely in a while. So no comeback in Japan…

- Fan asked Emelia if they will be in Japan anything more this up-coming week but Emelia said 5 Pieces will be at a secret destination the whole week and the fan got really confused, Emelia just looked pleased. 5 PIECES IS UP TO SOMETHING!

- Julia updated her Instagram with a four-shot selfie with 5 Pieces in their [Let’s Go!] outfits, fooling around and she wrote “excited”

- 5 Pieces is too pretty to be seen in reality. I keep thinking I am dreaming

- The chocolate brand 5 Pieces models for since 2012 has released a making-of picture of Hannah on the set shooting for a new commercial, asking fans to anticipate more cuteness from 5 Pieces’ youngest in their fifth commercial coming out next month!

- I loved to see Emelia making grimaces to the fans on the other side of the window during radio program, she was too focused on the fans outside that she was a little clueless of Hannah trying to help Maria say something.

- They are all too adorable in this concept; it’s hilarious to see how they keep their image but follows their concept too

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Prepare yourself for what will come. A world filled with danger, it sure won’t be long. Five young ladies, sisters beyond blood, with strength and ambition they will sing us a song. A song about truth, a song about respect, a song about girls’ power you sure won’t regret. Listen to their words, ‘cause this is not the end, it sure won’t be long, until we will see them again.

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Headline 16th: 5 Pieces’ Hannah Gives A Cute Pout On Instagram Waiting For Her Members In Tokyo

Headline 16th: ‘좋은 자매 (Good Sister)’ Episode 5 Airs, Ratings Still High

Headline 16th: 5 Pieces Performs [Let’s Go] On NHK Music Japan

 

Monday, Headline 17th: 5 Pieces’ Emelia Says Hannah & Maria Stood Up For Her When A Boy In School Bullied Her

Headline 17th: HEY! HEY! HEY! Music Camp Bounces Along With 5 Pieces’ [Let’s Go!]

 

Headline 18th: A Group Of Bullies In Japan Confess & Apologizes After 5 Pieces’ Visit To Their School

 

Headline 19th: Japanese High School Bullies Confesses “5 Pieces Spoke To Me, I Realise I Was Doing Wrong”

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X. devonalias