Hey everyone :) So wow, it's kind of been forever, huh? I'm really sorry for the unexplained absence; I've had. . . quite a bit to deal with haha. I hope you'll all forgive me~ Like I said last time, I'm determined to have this story reach its completion so please don't give up on me yet! Also, we passed another historic landmark :) August 29, 2015, also known as the official two year anniversary of S.M. Spies! Thank you all so much for your love and support! Please continue reading and commenting! I love you all! <3

"Yuki sat on the floor of the SHINee dorm, her legs crossed and her eyes anxious. Jinki, Taemin, Key and Jonghyun would sitting around her, their faces solemn. "Where's Keroro?" Yuki asked, unable to tolerate the piercing silence any longer.

"Training, I assume," Jonghyun replied. Yuki raised an eyebrow.

"He's not going to be part of this. . . meeting?"

"We've already talked to him separately and gotten things out of the way," Key said, averting Yuki's gaze.

"Already talked to. . . wait a minute," Yuki sent a hard glare at her teammates, "you mean to tell me that you called a team meeting and purposely excluded me?"

"Sorry , Noona. . ." Taemin said quietly, "but we felt like this was the right way to tackle the problem."

"What problem?!" Yuki demanded, "you guys, what the hell is going on?"

"Your problem, Yuki," Jinki finally said, "and Minho's. Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Minho wasn't the only one who was aware of the problems you've been having sleeping and training. We all felt it. We all noticed it. You can try as hard as you want, Yuki, but the fact of the matter is that you can't hide anything from us."

Silence followed Jinki's cutting words. Yuki blinked and looked down, gritting her teeth. "I already told you, Jinki. I can handle-"

"Stop it, Yuki," the elder boy replied. "stop blocking us out. I am SHINee's leader and every decision I make is only for the betterment of this team. By avoiding what's bothering you, you're hurting yourself and SHINee. I can't allow that."

Yuki looked into Jinki's eyes for the first time in what felt like months. Minho was right. She HAD been avoiding Jinki. Leetuk as well. She gave the interrogation room a wide berth. She supposed it was a matter of time before someone other than Minho noticed.

Taemin, Key, and Jonghyun fixed Yuki with stares just as piercing as Jinki's. The leader spoke, voicing the thoughts of all the boys in the room with a soft voice.

"Talk to us. Please."

Yuki took a calming breath. They want to help you, she told herself, let them.

They wanted her to talk, so she did.

She talked for a long time, going into the entire mission in detail, a debriefing of sorts. No one spoke up or interrupted her. They simply listened.

Yuki was amazed at how easily the memories came to her. It was as if her terrifying ordeal had just happened yesterday. The locked box in the back of her head simply unlocked and flooded her mind with memories she'd rather forget. The girl had to stop talking at times in order to collect herself. She had to admit:  the boys were good listeners. She was a bit unnerved by how quiet they were as she told her story. Even Jonghyun and Taemin, who were usually the rowdiest among the group, were so quiet it appeared they had lost their ability to make any type of sound. Still, Yuki pushed on. She wanted to tell the boys everything. If they could help her get over this. . . then she wanted to do whatever she could to help. As she spoke, the girl made sure to skate over her time with Wu, focusing instead on the bigger picture.

"When I came 'round again, I couldn't really process what was going on. I couldn't tell who was who. I saw two people already on the ground. Then I saw one of the girls facing away from me. It looked like she was talking to someone. My whole body hurt but I saw Keroro's jacket next to me. I fumbled around in it, praying that the girl wouldn't turn around. I found a gun in the jacket pocket and figured that was my last chance. I could barely pick up the gun much less aim it, but I had to try, right? I was pretty sure I was going to die anyways. I raised the gun and fired once. I got her straight in the back. I fired against for good measure and managed to nail her in the back of the head. When she fell. . . I saw Keroro on the floor. I can't begin to explain how I felt. There was. . . so much hatred. I tried to raise myself a little bit so I could have a clear shot at him but then. . . then I passed out. And well. . . you all know what happened after that."

Silence permeated the air after Yuki finished talking. The girl shifted uncomfortably as she waited for her teammates to speak. Surprisingly, it was Taemin that spoke first.

"Minho Hyung's betrayal isn't what's bothering you, is it?" he asked, "it's that man. Wu."

Even the mention of the man's name made Yuki feel like the temperature in the dorm dropped by a few degrees. She nodded silently.

"Talk about it, Yuki," Jonghyun urged, "don't avoid it. You need to tell us what happened in that room."

Yuki's eyes widened. She shook her head rapidly. "I. . . I can't, Jonghyun," she said, hugging her knees, "I can't do that to you guys. . . I can't put myself through that again."

"It's a cognitive exercise, Yuki," Jinki said, "if you don't force yourself to recall what happened. . . if you try to keep it bottled up. . . it'll mentally destroy you. We can handle it, Yuki. And all of us know that you can too."

The other boys nodded in agreement. Yuki met each of their eyes individually. She saw a flurry of emotions in them: worry, fear, love, determination. . . Yuki bowed her head and took a deep breath. You have to be brave, Yuki, she told herself, don't let this fear consume you. You are a spy. You can't let this get to you. Do this for Korea. Do this for S.M. Do this for SHINee. . .

Do this for yourself.

Yuki steeled herself and looked back up.

"He is probably North Korea's most powerful weapon. He is the embodient of evil. He is one of the most frightening men I have ever met. Wu put me through pain as I have never experienced it. In those three days I was in his captivity, I remembered wishing I would die before I had to endure any more torture." Yuki's voice shook as she spoke, but she pushed on. "Wu only wanted one thing from me: information. There are certain things about this military base that only Soo Man and I know about. Things that would destroy South Korea if they were leaked. What I felt. . . I can't explain it. I knew that I couldn't let Wu get to the information I had, but. . . but it got so hard. I didn't know what to do. Then. . . then Wu told me about my parents." Yuki's voice broke. Her friends looked at her, various emotions etched on their faces, but they made no move to comfort her. They simply waited for her to continue. Yuki continued again, the fear in her voice obvious as she spoke about the cigarette burns and the Nine Tails Whip, as she spoke about pain so vicious, the boys couldn't even imagine it in their wildest dreams.

"After everything that transpired, I thought. . . I thought it was over. I thought I could get over it. I was wrong." With that, Yuki explained the recent mishap with Rain. "I hate it," she said through gritted teeth, "I hate feeling like this. Feeling like I have nowhere to turn, like a cornered animal. In all my years of being in this agency, nothing has ever affected me this badly. I'm afriad. . . I'm afraid that I won't be able to go back into the field." 

The clocked chimed. Yuki had been speaking for two hours. Silence permeated the air. The SHINee boys felt like they were looking at Yuki for the first time. They were so used to Yuki being calm and collected, someone who always had a plan and wasn't afraid of anything. To see her like this, frustrated, nervous, and afraid, was unnerving. It hurt them. Unfortunately, the boys were at a loss. What could they do? What could they say to make everything better? How could they assure Yuki that she was still S.M.'s best spy when the truth was, the boys themselves weren't even sure if that was the case anymore.

"The part that scares me the most," Yuki said, breaking the silence, "is that. . . towards the end. . . I felt like I was going to give up." The apparation of Wu from earlier in the day shimmered in front of Yuki's mind's eye.

"You were ready to betray your country the next time I touched you and you knew it. You are nothing but a lowly, selfish coward." 

"No way," Key said, "Yuki, I agree that some things have changed, but your loyalty to South Korea is something that hasn't. You would never give up South Korea to anyone, no matter what." The other boys nodded vigorously in agreement. While Yuki appreciated how much faith her friends had in her, she knew that even the strongest warriors could only hold out for so long before they reached their breaking point.

Silence engulfed the group once more. There simply was nothing left to say. Taemin shivered slightly, unable to imagine the amount of mental and physical pain Yuki had endured. He couldn't believe that she had managed to survive. Kibum looked at his friend, noticing that, even almost a year later, the sunken look in Yuki's eyes had yet to disappear. Jonghyun clenched his fists, his anger palpable. He felt helpless. Even S.M.'s psychiatrist couldn't get through to Yuki. What could they possibly do? Jinki stared blankly at Yuki. He wasn't a fool. He knew Yuki had been purposely avoiding him. It made him feel sick to realize that the reason was because she was now equating him to a man like Wu. But could he blame her? No matter how many times Yuki had seen Jinki's normally non-violent interrogation tactics, he knew that what Wu had put her through left a lasting impression. All he could hope for was that time would help her understand and heal.

"Someone," Yuki said quietly, once again breaking the heavy silence, "give me a word for this. A label. Something. Anything. Because whatever this is, it's bigger than PTSD. And right now, the only word I can think of is Wu."

For the first time in their lives, the boys of SHINee were left speechless. No one had an answer. Yuki stood up. "Thank you for trying to help, guys," she said. No one tried to stop her as she walked towards the front door and exited the room.

Everyone looked at Jinki, they're eyes all asking the same question. The leader sighed. "We started the process," he simply said, "now it's up to Yuki to continue the battle. There's nothing more we can do except be there for her." The boys nodded in mute acceptance.

This was one mission that Yuki would have to complete on her own. 

And so we continue to observe Yuki's battle with PTSD. Will she be strong enough to fight against this? Or will she end up having to step out of the field for good? Continue reading to find out! 

Without further ado, let's welcome our new flurries! Thank you for subbing to my story!

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~Yuki ❄