Vulnerable
Crazy Little Thoughts
I blinked up at her as she stared down at me. I straightened up. “NO!” I said. “You’re. . . . you’re still too young! You’re just in high school! Don’t you want to go to college and pursue your dream? Don’t you ever think of your future? We’re not even done with our mission yet! And he’s a FROG! A FROOOOGGG!”
“I haven't answered him yet, Jiyong,” she said, rolling her eyes.
“Oh!” I mumbled. I nibbled on my lower lip. “What. . . what will you tell him. . . if. . .”
“What would you want me to answer?” she then asked.
NO.
My eyes widened upon realizing that I subconsciously answered her question. But it was the truth. I don’t want her to marry him. He’s a frog! He isn’t that good looking and he already hurt her before! She should not marry him! He doesn’t deserve her! She deserves someone who would cherish her, take care of her, love her and never hurt her.
Like who?
Eh? What’s with this voice suddenly coming up inside my head?
Dara loves the guy.
“Shut up!” I hissed.
“Huh?”
I blinked again. What’s happening to me? It’s true, she loves Mikmun. She would not even bother pestering me if she didn’t want to get him back. Why am I being selfish now?
“I’m not really sure,” I told her. “I mean, it’s. . . it’s not a good combination. . .”
She frowned. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, he’s a frog and you’re supposed to be a tiny firefly. Frogs eat firefly and firefly dies. . . not such a good idea. . .”
I’m being selfish. I shouldn’t be like this. I should be thinking of her happiness.
“But of course,” I went on. “You’re the only person who can answer that question. I’m happy for you! This is like, your dream right? You’ve been waiting for this for so long, right? But it’s a bit too early, if you ask me.”
“Time is gold,” she said, rolling her eyes.
Truth be told, I don’t want her to say yes. Well at least, not yet. I’m not ready to let her go. I mean, she’s my. . . she’s my. . . best friend after all, my only friend to be exact.
I stared at her. She really got the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen. Her hair is so soft and smooth that I always would want to run my fingers through it before and after I sleep. Her skin’s so smooth and creamy and white and just so. . . so pearly, it’s glowing as if it got its own light source. She easily stands out in a crowd. She’s not just beautiful, not just pretty not just cute. . . she was much more. Her face is almost perfect, actually, if only not for those cute little bags under her eyes.
A pretty girl with a pretty heart. . .
Who would want to let go of someone as precious as her?
I’m lucky to be her best. . . friend.
No, she’s not just a friend. She’s not just a friend to me.
A friend should not feel like wanting to kiss her, hold her, cuddle her and never let her go. I should not feel that way but I am feeling that way right now. I always wanted to kiss her and can’t stop myself from doing so. I always wanted to hug her and cuddle her everytime I have the chance and I always do so. I. . .
Oh my God, I’m in love with her!
I love her.
I love. . . HER.
I love Sandara Park!
I stood up, my heart beating hard against my chest. No, I can’t. . .
“Hey, are you alright?” she asked.
“Y-yeah. Y-you’re right, time is gold. You. . . should say yes to him,” I said then ran away.
“Hey! Jiyong!”
Why am I running away?
My phone started ringing. I knew it was her even before I took it out and turned it off. I can’t go home right now, I just have this weird feeling she’ll be going there to ask me what’s going with me right now.
So I ran with no direction at all.
Eventually, I stopped. I was sweating, I was catching my breath and I’m in some construction site away from the town. I walked leisurely to towards an elevated ground and sat. I looked up at the sky and closed my eyes.
Not long after that, I felt tears streaming down my eyes.
It hurts.
My whole body was throbbing with pain. Even my head felt like it’s going to explode. A soft gush of wind blew my way and I shivered. I brought my knees up and wrapped my arms around it and started rocking back and forth. I hugged my knees tighter to my chest, trying to press my heart in an attempt to stop the dull pain starting to spread through my system.
Sometimes it is better to be clueless about what’s happening around you rather than knowing every bit of information and yet silently, it kills you.
Where did I read or hear that phrase?
I can’t remember.
But I understood its meaning better now.
If I stayed there with Dara and accidently confessed myself, it would not end good. I should be happy realizing how I feel for her, it made me understand all these weird craving for her attention, her smile, her laughter, her kisses.
Realizing you’re in love should be a heady and heavenly feeling but I felt quite the opposite. Realizing how I feel for her also made me realize something’s wrong with me. I remember how I used to think she’s my stalker, how I think that the world would not live without me. I remember that I really felt that way before. I didn’t have that much friends but I thought that everyone’s just either too insecure to talk to me or too envious to do so. I viewed the world quite differently – that the world is perfect and that I’m contented with all the attention the girls were giving me. That’s what I thought before. But it all changed when I got tangled up with Sandara Park.
I didn’t notice it before but now I do. I started to change, I started to realize that the world isn’t perfect. The world isn’t as perfect as I thought it was. I realized this when I found out that my super stalker Sandara Park isn’t my super stalker. In fact, she was in love with someone else.
A stabbing pain went through my chest again and it almost knocked the air out of me.
It was then that I started realizing something’s wrong with me. But I shoved it away as I could not accept it. I was too caught up in my Kwon-Jiyong-is-pefect world and trying to have a go at Vicky.
I want to be with Dara. Damn, I want to be with her every second of my damned life and have her run around my crazy little thoughts. I want her, I need her, I love her and I want to treasure her forever.
I would want to run my hand through her hair every minute.
I would want to lean my forehead against hers and just stay that way.
I would want to caress her smooth cheek or watch her blush everytime she gets shy, angry and happy.
I would want to hold her hand always and never let her go.
I would want to hug her and cuddle her cute little frame and tickle her endlessly.
I would want to her hear laughter every day.
I would want to see her bright smile and cute little pout.
I would want to kiss her every chance I could get.
I would want to. . . I would want to make love to her.
I would want to say how much I care for her.
I would want to tell her every day how perfect she was for me in all aspect.
I would want to let her know that she was like a firefly to me, she might be tiny and all but her bright light always gives me hope everytime I get lost in the darkness and craziness of my past and thoughts.
I would want to tell her I love her.
I would want to get lost in those eyes that never once judged me.
I want to do all those things but I know I can’t. I remember the way how those people stared at me when I had an attack back in the restaurant. I can bear them judging me but they will also end up judging Dara if I’m going to be with her.
No, I can’t bear that. I don’t want her to be burdened.
Besides, how can I keep up with my feelings for her when I don’t even know myself? I need to find myself, I need to know who I am. I know I can ask her to help me find myself, we can do it together. But is her friendship enough to make her stay with me? I can confess and maybe she’ll say sorry and say she only loves that guy. Maybe she’ll say she loves me too. But that would be more painful.
I just can’t be with someone when I don’t even know what or who I am.
I know something’s wrong with me and I know she doesn’t really care about it but what about other people? What would the others think of her?
I looked up at the sky again.
Would it have been better if I didn’t realize something’s wrong with me and might cause burden to Dara or would it have been better to be in my own crazy little thoughts unaware of what other thinks of me and sees me as?
If I was still in my crazy little world right now, I would not realize how amazing Dara was compared to Vicky; I would not see that Dara isn’t my super stalker; I would not know how in love she was with Nickhun; I would not see her efforts in trying to win him back; I would not enjoy being with her and kissing her; I would not realize I’ve fallen in love with her already and I would not be in pain right now and in desperate need to know who I am.
How am I going to present myself to someone I would want to love me for who I am when I don’t even know what or who to present?
Morning came and I started walking back to my house. She was in my doorstep, leaning against the door, fast asleep. I stopped in my tracks. She was wearing the clothes from yesterday. That would mean she hasn’t gone home yet. My heart squeezed seeing her in a position like that and for a moment, I felt angry. I felt angry at her for being so stubborn and so kind and nice.
What am I thinking?
I went to unlock the door first before scooping her up in my arms, careful not to wake her up. I carried her to my room and gently laid her down on my bed. I stared at her for a while before going to the bathroom. I took my clothes off and stepped into the shower stall, letting the water drown my thoughts away.
After doing my usual morning routines, I stepped out of the bathroom and into my room. She was still asleep. Despite myself, I found myself sleeping as she pouted and murmured something in her sleep. Oh how I love to wake up every morning with that view. Catching myself, I shook my head and pulled on my briefs and short pants. I hung the towel and went down to the kitchen without bothering to put a shirt on. I need to prepare breakfast for Dara. I might not be able to do it again, anyways.
After cooking, brewing a cup of coffee for myself and a cup of hot chocolate for her, I went to prepare the table. I looked straight ahead. She wasn’t coming down yet. Should I bring her breakfast in bed or should I just wake her up? I was in that thought when I heard footsteps. She stopped upon seeing me and I held my breath. Her hair was wet. She was wearing a large cotton tee, my tee and the upper part of the shirt was a slightly wet because of her hair. The hem of the shirt was up until her thigh and she was barefooted. Oh darn.
We stared at each other.
“Where’d you go yesterday?” she asked, breaking the silence.
I didn’t answer. I can feel a lump in my throat. I was scared to open my mouth. I was scared that if I open my mouth, I’ll end up telling everything to her in a breaking voice. She frowned, her head tilted to the side. She moved forward and I stiffened when she was just an arm’s reach away from me.
“Are you alright?” she asked, lifting her arm. The moment the back of her hand touched my forehead, I just snapped.
With a growl, I grip her arm hard and hauled her against my chest, my lips crashing on hers. I feel so hungry and thirsty and tasting her lips was quenching the hunger and thirst but I wanted more. I expected her to push me away but she immediately wrapped her arms around my neck, her fingers pulling on my hair quite roughly. I felt her tiptoed as she leaned in closer to deepened the kiss.
Her breath smelled and tasted like my toothpaste. I pulled away a little and I would probably regret asking this question as it might ruin the moment. “You used my toothpaste,” I said.
“Yes,” she answered breathlessly. “I actually used your toothbrush as well.”
I blinked. I should be disgusted but no, I didn’t feel anything like that. Instead, I felt more eager to kiss her again. I growled ferociously before claiming her lips again and she welcomed me willingly.
Then, she hooked one thigh on my side. She shifted her body a little and I groaned as I felt her covered womanhood against my property. I placed my hands under her bottom and lifted her up. She immediately wrapped her legs around me and started doing small intimate moves that made me groan against .
I don’t know how it happened. All I knew was we were kissing and she had her legs wrapped around me. The next thing I knew, I was sitting in a chair with her straddling me. Our lips seem to be infinitely glued to each other.
No, we were not having but it almost felt like it especially she was doing these cute and sensual movements that it made it seem as if we were ing.
I think we are.
I started tugging the hem of her shirt with one hand while my other hand went to snake to her covered s. I took her shirt off of her and kissed her again before throwing the shirt aside. The sound of something breaking broke us apart. We were both panting as we looked down at the broken glass. Realization then dawned on me.
She giggled. “It’s just a glass,” she said and went to nibble my ear.
What am I doing?!?!
I pushed her away a bit roughly than I intended and stood up. “Sorry,” I mumbled, looking anywhere but her.
“What?”
“Breakfast’s getting cold,” I said.
The doorbell rang.
Without a glance or a word, I went to get the door.
It was Victoria.
She smiled upon seeing me. “Hey there, y!” she said and threw her arms around me. I was too surprised to even react that when she kissed me fully in the lips, I just stood there. I could see Dara in my peripheral vision.
You can’t be with her, a side of my mind said. She belongs to someone else.
But she kissed me back! She responded to me! Surely, that meant something?
Sure it does! And now what?
Maybe. . . maybe she feels something for me too? Maybe I can ask her to wait for me until I found myself, found out who I really am?
What if it will take you long to do that? Or what if you can never find the answers to your questions?
No, I can’t make her wait and wait and wait. What if nothing happens?
I felt myself wrapping my arms around Vicky and kissing her back, my eyes finally closing. Dara, look at me. Look at me and hate me.
I sighed. I was hiding behind a tree, watching Dara and Nickhun who were in an out-door café, chatting. I had the worst fight with her after that day, that day when I kissed Vicky in front of her. I acted like a total jerk that day, telling Vicky that Dara fainted so I had to take care of her. I invited Vicky for breakfast and asked Dara to leave. She did leave but after that day, we argued, we fought and we eventually stopped talking to each other. At school, we walked past by each other without greeting each other or acknowledging each other’s presence, especially if she’s with Nickhun and I’m with Vicky.
It was easier this way. It was easier for me to leave this way and go talk to my uncle and squeeze out the truth from him. If Vicky didn’t arrive that day, I probably would have ended up begging her to accept my love. I would be happy if she would accept me but I knew my happiness would not be to its fullest and I don’t want to drag her into it.
What if I’m mentally unstable? What if those vitamins uncle gave me were my medications? I haven’t talked to him yet but I’m planning to do so. I don’t want to talk about it over the phone. I’m going abroad, planning to confront my uncle. I already packed my bags, booked a flight and bought a ticket. I’m leaving in a few hours but here I am, watching her with Nickhun.
No one knows I’m leaving, not even Victoria. I feel bad for her. She’s been dumped by Nickhun and now I’m dumping her without even telling her. a soft sigh escaped my lips again as Dara laughed at something Nickhun said.
“Look this way, just once. . .” I whispered. “Please.”
I waited.
And waited.
Still, I waited.
But nothing happened.
A soft bitter smile curved my lips. “Goodbye then,” I whispered in the air, turned around and started to leave.
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