’Please answer’ I typed in on the cell phone and wished that he’d answer this one, how many had I sent, 100-200? I didn’t know. It was far more than I could remember. But he hadn’t answered to any of them. Maybe he’d changed number so that he wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore.

I flapped the phone shut after pressing the send button as I laid my head back on the pillow, though I didn’t let go of the phone. It was the second day now. It was two days ago I destroyed everything between me and MyungSoo. And for what, just so I could know what had happened to him in the past. Instead, I destroyed the future.

Then it hit me, I still had the key to his apartment. Wait, wouldn’t I be a stalker then. He had after all told me that he never wanted to see me again. And if I turned up at his apartment, would he call the police?

After what seemed like forever I decided that if he asked why I was there, and then I’d tell him that I was just looking for a friend that was living there. Ugh, that wouldn’t work. Not only because it would seem weird if I had a friend that lived in the same house as him, and not to mention. He knew that I didn’t have any friends besides him.

*Crap*

Ah what should I do? Go or not.

It took me less than a second to decide that I would go, no matter what, he was still a person I treasured more than anyone else. And just because he told me to stay away, it didn’t have to mean that he truly wanted me to. Since when I told him that I wanted him out of my life, I didn’t mean it. It might seem harsh but those words just slipped from my lips, because I was so angry and afraid of what was going to happen.

~~

An hour later, after showering, eating something and getting dressed I was sitting on the subway train on my way to MyungSoo’s apartment. Fear and excitement was lingering inside me as I stole glances on the people around me. Wondering what kind of life they where living. Did they have children, wife’s, boyfriends? But most important. Where they happy with their life’s?

A woman sitting across from me was talking to her child, a daughter to be exact as the little girl was playing with some sort of game console. She had a huge smile plastered on her lips as she played. Unknowingly I started to think about when I was younger, the only thing bothering you then was when your toy broke or the food was cold. Who would’ve known that merely 15 years later that toy had been thrown away ages ago. And the cold food wasn’t your major deal in life any more.

The speakers sounded, telling me that the next stop would be where I was going to get off. After taking a last glance on the little girl I stepped off the subway train and walked towards the exit closest to MyungSoo’s apartment.

I knew very well which way I was supposed to take now. Not like the first time when it had almost taken an hour to find the right building.

There it was the bright white building that shot up towards the darkening skies above. The fact that it had snowed a lot the past days showed, the streets was painted in white and the trees glistered as I walked past them. This was definitely why Christmas was my favorite season of the year. Because it looked like everything came out from a fairytale story.

I stamped my feet’s on the hard ground before I entered the building and as I where about to pass the guard, he uttered a ‘stop’. Doing as he said, I stopped and turned my head around, wondering what he wanted.
“I’m sorry but Mr Kim doesn’t want anyone visiting” the same guard who had always been there when I visited MyungSoo said with an apologetic look on his face.

“No o-one?” I stuttered as I stared at him in disbelief. Had he locked himself inside his apartment or what? Was he just waiting for the school to officially end so that he could leave? So that he could leave Seoul and me.

“I’m truly sorry”

All kind of emotions where washing through me as I stood there, wondering what I was going to do next.

*Paper* I started to roam through my bag, in search for paper and a pen so that I could write something that the guard could then hand over to MyungSoo. Though, to my disappointment, I couldn’t find any paper or either a pen to write with. Sighing I zipped the bag close and gazed around. What if I made a run for it, would he fallow? Wait, couldn’t I get jail for that? For surpassing someone else’s property.

“Ehm, do you have a paper?” I asked the guard nicely, hoping that he could lend me a piece of paper and a pen. My wish came true for once as he handed over a piece of paper and then a pen to me.

“Komawoyo” I bowed slightly as I grabbed a hold of the two things and then started to think what I could write.

‘You idiot who do you think you are..’

I stopped and stared wide-eyed at the paper beneath me, god I can’t write that. He’s going to kill me if he sees it. “Mister do you have an eraser?” I asked the guard for a favor yet again, I could hear a small amused laughter escape his lips before he handed over what I wanted.

After erasing the sentence I’d written as much as I could I put the eraser down next to me before I started over.

‘First; I’m sorry. I know you hate that word but I’m truly sorry for the pain I’ve caused you. I know my intensions weren’t good at first. But that was because I was afraid. I’ve never really had a real friend that I could depend on. And when I saw you, something broke inside of me. When I looked at you, it felt as if we’d known each other for ages though I didn’t know you. So when you where with me, talked to me and helped me, I let go of that fear. You showed me that though I’m not rich, pretty or have the nicest clothes I’m still a human being.’

Tear drops where slowly falling down on the paper thus making it a bit wet. Though, nether less I continued writing the letter. That MyungSoo hopefully would read.

‘But one thing you should know is that being with you is like being with a whole world. You get to experience so many things, so many situations and also to feel all kinds of emotions, whatever it being happiness, sorrow, luck or love. But I also know that I’ve hurt you, though on the other hand, you’ve hurt me too. And you still are. My whole life is a huge suffering because of you, when I’m not with you my heart hurts, but in a painful way. Though when you are with me it hurts in a whole different way, in a way that’s less painful, but yet I’m scared. I’m afraid that you’ll leave me and that’s why I’m trying so hard. It might sound harsh but my whole life revolves around you.’

I stopped writing and gazed at the paper that was reviling my true inner feelings.

After taking notice that the teardrop’s had dried into the paper itself I folded it in half and then handed it over to the guard as I asked for him to give it over to MyungSoo the next time he saw him.

“Ah, yeh” he smiled as I bid goodbye and then walked out from the building and towards the subway. Praising that he would actually read it and not throw it away.