I’m grateful that I was able to be there for Lu Han and read Hua’s diary.  It was very insightful to her feelings and how she viewed the world.  Although I was never given a chance to meet her, I’m really glad that I was given a chance to know about her.

            Overall, her beginning and ending was the most devastating.  From what Lu Han told me about her, she was an orphan and was never adopted.  Hua became scouted as a model because she was beautiful and tall.  She traveled the world and walked down many walkways for numbers of luxury brands.  Even though she was in the limelight and had an income greater than any kid her age, she despised the spotlight.

            As much as she looked like she fitted the role of a glamorous, rich young woman, she didn’t feel that way.  From her journal entries, I could tell that she was a grounded person with a warm, open-minded personality…  But, she has been scarred from her life as an orphan.

            Hua has written many times about how much she longs to have a family and how she was always jealous of little girls or boys holding their mother’s hands on the streets.  She explained that although Lu Han is motherless, he has Uncle Ching.  At least he has one parent.  She has none.

Entry 174:

            I want to become a mother in hopes that I fill up that hole in my heart.  I want to have a child, to give him/her the mother that I wanted myself to have. 

            One day, I want to hold hands with my little one and we walk down the streets like the others.  One day, I want to hear a soft, little voice call out to me.  “Mommy!  I miss you!”  And, then, I want to hug my little dear forever and ever. 

            I want to become the best mother that I can be.  I want to give so much love that I can’t sleep at night without knowing that my child is safe.

            I know that it’s strange that I am suddenly to truthful with my feelings…   But, it’s good because I am now honest with myself and a ton has lifted off my shoulders.  I feel like I am free from the chains of being parentless.

            In addition, I want to release myself of the horrors of my past because I am nowpregnant.  I am excited that I will be a mother and I don’t care if Lu Han wants to be a part of my child’s life or not.

            I will raise my child by myself if I have to because I love it so much already.

-Hua

            Eventually, Hua writes about how she felt about Lu Han proposing to her.  She was happy about it, but she knows that he did that because he’s a gentleman like that.  Hua felt that they weren’t in love with each other, which Lu Han admitted was true after he read that journal entry.  She knows that he was just doing what he was expected to do, which was marry the mother of his unborn child.

            With events leading up to Hua’s death, she never mentioned anything about Lu Han.  She never held any grudges against him.  She didn’t blame him for the miscarriage or the pregnancy.  In a way, I felt as if she was actually grateful that she got pregnant.  In her journal entry before the suicide, Hua thanked Lu Han to know how it felt to be like an expecting mother for a while.

            Then, I started thinking.  I started to think how I would have felt if I found out I was pregnant. 

            I’d be pissed off like heck and blame the guy I slept with for using a defective , I thought.  Then, I’d probably get an abortion because I wouldn’t be able to provide for it and I wouldn’t be able to put it up for adoption.  It would be hard if I got pregnant right now.

            I watched as Lu Han gazed over the last journal entry again.  The last sentence she wrote was, Thank you, Lu Han, for your kindness, sweetness, and gentle caringness.  He took a deep breath and closed the diary.  He looked up at me with a relaxed, calm face.  I could tell that his mind has cleared up now that he has finally put closure to this part of his past.

            “Thank you, Mia” said Lu Han.  “Thank you for being here with me as I read through Hua’s diary.  I honestly wouldn’t be able to go through this thing without having a friend by my side.”

            I smiled, as I placed my hand on his shoulder.  “It’s OK, Lu Han.” I said.  “That’s what friends are for.  They’re there for you when you need them the most.”

            He nodded his head as he smiled a small smile.  “I’m glad that I know now that I shouldn’t punish myself for what had happened.” he said.

            “I’m glad as well.” I said.

*************************

            Lu Han was watching Strong Heart when Mia came into the room.  He could feel frustration and stress oozing from her.  He scooted away from her when she sat down, not wanting to get involved.  Fortunately, she was too distracted to make a remark.

            “What the hell?!!” asked Mia, as she threw her marked up script onto the coffee table.  “This is so frustrating!”

            Lu Han looked over at her.  He has signed himself up to help make props for the musical and overheard the rehearsal the other day.  Dr. Lee and Jinsang don’t like how Mia interpreted her character in the scene they were going over.  She was still too tense and not playful and seductive enough.  Then, again, it was a kiss scene after all.

            The cast has 3 weeks left to get everything right.  They’ve already went over the entire musical 2 times already.  And, these last 3 weeks were saved for perfection.  Lu Han could feel the pressure that was being placed on Mia.

            “The kiss scene?” asked Lu Han.  Mia flashed him a look and let out a breath.  “You should be glad.  Someone’s actually going to kiss you.”

            Mia sent him a glare and hit him on the shoulder.  “Oh, shut up.” she said.  “Apparently, I’m too tense when Kibum tries to kiss me, but what do you really expect?!”

            “You’ve never been kissed before?” asked Lu Han, surprised. 

            He thought that she would at least been kissed once during high school or something.  From what her parents told him and family photo book, Mia was involved with school.  She didn’t live under a rock, so people have to know her. 

            Some guy must have liked her during high school, right?  Or, not…  She can be pretty complicated.  But, seriously?  She’s never been kissed before?, thought Lu Han, glancing over at her.

            Mia sent him a glare and narrowed her eyes.  “What?”

            “Nothing.” shrugged Lu Han.  “It’s just a kiss, Mia.  I’m sure you will get many more kisses for whoever it is that will be your future boyfriend.”

            Mia rolled her eyes.  “Yeah, yeah.” she said, nodding her head.  “It’s just a stupid first kiss that’s meaningless.  Regardless-”

            She was interrupted by Lu Han.  Mia’s eyes widened as she could feel Lu Han’s lips brush over hers softly.  The pair heard a click at the front door and Mia pushed Lu Han away.  She stood up, breathlessly as her parents came into the house.  Lu Han quickly stood up after her.  Mia looked tipsy and Lu Han quickly tried to help her, but she pushed him away.

            “Mia, are you OK?” asked Uncle Chung, quickly.

            “Mia?” asked Aunt Chung, worried.  “What’s wrong?”

            She quickly grabbed her script off the coffee table and turned to her parents with a bright red face.  “It’s nothing.” she said, quickly and bolted upstairs.

            Uncle and Aunt Chung just watched her, dumbfounded.

            “I hope she’s not sick.” commented Aunt Chung.

            “She just needs to rest.” nodded Uncle Chung.

            Meanwhile Lu Han just shrugs it off casually.  “She’ll be fine.  She’s just frustrated with the scene that she has to perfect.” he said, as he sat back down on the couch.

            She wasn’t tense at all with that kiss.  If Kibum was the one that initiates the kiss, then it will be fine, thought Lu Han.

            Lu Han woke later that night to find Mia standing at the side of his bed.  She hasn’t spoken o him all day ever since that surprised kiss.  At the dinner table, there was death glares shoot from her, which meant the Lu Han shouldn’t have done that.

            All he wanted to do was helpful overcome her kissing fears.  It wasn’t like he actually wanted to do that.  If she hasn’t been kissed yet, then it might as well be someone she actually has a close a relationship with so Lu Han thought that it might as well be him.  He was her only guy friend after all.

            “What?” asked Lu Han, groggily. 

            He quickly sat up in bed and stared at Mia.  It was a full moon that night and the moonlight came through the curtains and beamed on Mia’s face.   It looked like she wanted to say something.

            “Is this about the kiss earlier?” asked Lu Han, slightly irritated. 

            If she was here to to him about taking her first kiss in the middle of the night, then she should have done so earlier or save it for tomorrow.  Mia quickly nodded her head, replying to his question.  He blinked after a few seconds.  Lu Han expected her to complain, but she just stood there, as if she was waiting for something.

            “What do you want?” questioned Lu Han, wanting to sleep.

            Mia opened to say something and then hesitated.  “I-I noticed that I wasn’t tense earlier because you took me by surprise.” she started, slowly.  She couldn’t look at Lu Han in the eyes.  “But, what will happen when I know that I will be kissed?”

            Lu Han let out a sigh and quickly got out of bed.  “You could’ve just said that you wanted to practice kissing with me.” he said, angry.  “Don’t beat around the freaking bush when you wake someone up in the middle of the night.”

            “I’m sorry.” apologized Mia.  “Gosh, I was trying to sleep on it and ask you tomorrow or something, but I couldn’t fall asleep.”

            Lu Han shook his head and rolled his eyes.  He looked down at Mia.  “I’m going to kiss you.” he stated.  Mia’s face became terrified and Lu Han looks up at the ceiling. 

            God, this is going to be a long night, he thought.

Author’s Note:

            A stolen first kiss?  Lu Han, you’re being inconsiderate right now.  :P

LOVE,

loveFORyunho