SNSD Dorm, 2012

It was 10pm when we arrived at our dorm. It had been packed weeks for us to promote our sub unit. But so grateful, it was packed. The response was amazing, I didn’t expect it would. But people will say again: yeokshi, SNSD!

They did not know what we have worked, how hard we have worked, to receive such a praise.

I looked up at the schedule on my iPad. What a packed schedule next week, what’s new.

Tiffany must be already busy reading bible before sleep, she has this habit since first time I knew her. And Seohyun must be having conversation over phone with her mother. My mom texted me, and she knows well, when I get tired, I will shut down and busy with myself. So I just replied to her and had the hot shower afterwards.

There were two days free before finally we would get busy with the packed schedule again. I searched up on the web some inspiration for my nail design, next week. I actually love doing it by myself. Had some practice too. But, as I was in a comeback schedule which needed me on stage holding the microphone so they would spot my nails, hence I needed to do it at the salon. Though, the design still up to me.

*beep*

I tried to reach my phone which I put next to my bed.

From: +82xxxx818

Message:

Hey, I know you are busy.

Sorry for disturbing you.

Just wanna drop hi, which a lil bit overdue.

I saw the number.

Is it?

From: +82xxxx818

Message:

Ah, forgot.

This is Kwon Jiyong.

Please save my number.

My mind went puzzled. Kwon Jiyong. That dragon who asked my number days… or weeks ago?
I even forgot about it.

From: +82xxxx818

Message:

And congrats on the success sub-unit debut.

If you allowed me to treat you, over a coffee, or anything, it would be my pleasure.

Wow, three messages in a row.

I saved his number before I went to Kakao Talk to check whether his number linked up to the app.

Oh it worked.

TaengTaeng:

Hello

I saved up your number and it has kktalk, so I moved here.

If you’re ok with it

I had a slight regret in my decision to reply, moreover to move it to the app. Is it okay? But, anyways, he just a fellow idol, fellow guy who works in the same industry as me. It just the usual thing. Like I saved Taecyeon number, or texted Wooyoung casually.

Yeah I know, but I was close with them.

But, anyway.

Who knows.

I mean, didn’t mean in the romantic way. But ever since I met him at the Italian restaurant that time, I was kind of looking forward to it, to have conversation with him.

Not that I saw him in romantic way, again, I told you.

More like, I wanna talk about this feeling.

I was having a lot of doubts in my head. Being in a group, a big group, that been labelled as the national girl group by public, and moreover with decision to take it globally, it made me doubt a lot of things. Made me question, a lot, about my sanity. And whether, I had a right to take care of my sanity.

At one side, I was more than happy, more than proud, more than grateful to have all of these. To be able to sing is the root of my joy. I always so happy to be able to sing. To let people to listen to my voice. But at the other side, I felt so numb. Like all of these just another thing to let it slide. Another day of performing, another day of singing, another day of dancing.

I feel more and more to become Girls Generation’s Taeyeon.

And less of Kim Taeyeon.

I want to be that Kim Taeyeon again.

The one who always so full of passion. To put emotion in everything she sings. Not to be soulless like this.

Every time I question this, why I feel so numb with all of this, people will go, “you are living a dream that millions of people don’t even dare to dream!”

Every time I told people I was so damn tired, they will go, “of course! You are SNSD! You are in the peak of your career, peak of y