Olympic Hall, Seoul

May 2017

Of course, goodbyes are like this

Memories that were happy because we were together...

I am erasing it all

But when I try to forget, tears well up

On top of those tears, you flow down and time stops

My feeling that I tried so hard to keep hidden

Quietly raises its head

Calling out to you with a longing voice

The lyrics were eating me alive. Though the crowd was amazing. Though the cheers and applauses were so loud. Though the audiences were all smiling at me, I cannot help but to feel the agony was eating me alive, right here at the stage. I took a deep breath, was trying so hard to erase all the scenes I had in my head, between my closed eyes.

But I’d been trying to erase them all, since… How many years again? As the song I just finished singing, birthdays were passed. Now I felt like an adult, yet when I think of your name, tears well up.

But I did not need your name. Even by closing both of my eyes, the figure of yours was there with all the unwanted scenes I’d been trying so hard to forget.

Like a time lapse, they were all moving, fast.

And although, it was fast… I can still feel all the feelings I had. The doubt, the worries, the joy, all the happy feelings, the fear, everything, everything and that included the pain. It all led to the pain. And it was still as real as the first moment, the first time when I was trapped in this torment.

And worse, up until now, I cannot see there was any way out.

One more song, Kim Taeyeon. One more song….

Olympic Gymnastics Arena

March 31 2013

“Thank you for your hard work,” I bowed again for the nth times before finally reached my own dressing room. I cannot stop to smile ear to ear, because finally the solo tour had finally begun. Today was amazing. I felt so much on fire. So excited. And I’d never once feel so excited than I was today.

As I arrived at my changing room, I smiled, the glee that I was feeling cannot be hidden. It showed through my ear-to-ear smiling. There were many, many, as in many, gift and flowers in the table, but I only walked to that one bouquet that stood out, because I knew for sure who was the sender.

It was a huge bouquet of daisies.

There was no greeting card.

And as if, I needed any words.

I was smiling and took out my phone.

Many new messages but I only needed to find one name.

TaengTaeng:

I know you know. There’s no words needed.

That was the first message. I scrolled down again to see another message(s), and the smile was not leaving my face, just yet.

But I still think I need to say it.

You will do great, Ji. Like you always.

I smiled even wider.

There’s nothing I could say other than, I am so proud of you. So proud.

My chest was hurting, because the heartbeat was faster, it beat too fast.

But I don’t think red hair suits you.

I chuckled.

But I don’t know… maybe I would change my mind once we met.

I scrolled down the message again to read the last message I received from her.

I’m coming home day after tomorrow. I would agree at wherever your choice of place.

I was about to reply her message when I saw Youngbae got in to the room. He studied me which making me walked a little further from him for him to glance at my phone.

Kwon Jiyong:

Galleria Foret. My house. Come to me once you arrived in Incheon.

“Anything you hide that I need to know?” Youngbae did not spare me any second to take a deep breath after I hit send and put my phone in the table.

I walked up to the fridge to take the water and closed the door after telling the staff that I needed my time alone.

“Who is it this time? Or no one new, just the same girl we know?” he asked again.

While opening the water bottle, I sat next to him. “You should be proud of me, because it’s not the same girl we know,” I answered while gulped down the cold water. I relaxed my body in the couch.

“Who? Someone I know?”

I smiled at him. “Someone most of South Korea population know” I answered.

He furrowed his eyebrows. “It’s Korean, now?” he asked which I responded with a nod. “I have someone in mind, but I don’t think she is your type,” he said.

I laughed at hi, “do I even have a type?”

“Tell me, Jiyong, who?”

I smiled at him, gave him my smile.

He threw a pillow at my face. “Stop that stupid smile and tell me.”

I put both of my hands near my chin, gave him, again, my stupid smile, while singing it, the song that had been so popular last year, “t-twinkle… twinkle..” I gave him a wink at the end.

He gasped. “No way.”

“Yes way…”

“There were only three members. The maknae one, let’s leave out, your type as you said you do not have any, but I believe she has a type and definitely not you,” he spoke as I threw the pillow back at his face. He continued, “the American girl, you know her for a little while, met her in some parties and all, and I did not see there’s any sparks or whatever that can lead to any chance for both of you to have some romance… then...”

Please Subscribe to read the full chapter