Seoul World Cup Stadium,

June 10, 2017

I know that it’s difficult and hard to come back to me.

I know that you’re scared of getting hurt again.

Even on the day you left, I made you cry with my cruel words.

I regret turning my back on you, I am sorry.

Please if I can see you again, just once. I am OK with losing everything I have.

I’ll meet you, even its in my dream and we can love like this again.

I was pouring my heart out as I sang out in front of thousands of people, the song I wrote when I was remembering her. Her petite figure. Her smiles. Her laughter. The way she said simple words yet meaningful one for me. The way she appreciated me. The way she said, take your time, Ji, and just let me busy with my work. The way she comforted me, without any words but only a hug.

And that time when I threw those hurtful words at her. The last time we had talk. The first time she said those words, those three words, and yet, I threw cruel words at her. Those words, those three words that I knew for sure had been there but we refused to share, refused to say to each other, because of the doubt and fear we were having that time.

It might be easier for me to die, than to earn your forgiveness.

I sing this song but I don’t know if my sincerity will get through you

It’s not that I did not try. Ever since I recollected the pieces from the thing happened that finally it got into my sense, and at the end, I found myself still cannot get over her, I did everything to ask her to forgive me, my silly self who was so full at myself so I gave her no chance to explain that time.

Someone like you for me, and me for you, a love like ours will never come again.

Nobody knows…

We always know.

I wrote this song thinking no any other than Kim Taeyeon. The woman who I hurt so much with cruel words back in 2014. Woman who I begged to not mind me if she saw me in the sideway, to ignore me although we meet and share stage in the future. The woman I cannot forget though seasons have changed.

A love like ours will never come again.

We always know it will never…

Four Seasons Hotel, Los Angeles

August 2014

It had been months since the news broke out. Since I was left with nothing but the news about her dating ‘scandal’. It was indeed a scandal as the rage and the hate both of them had received were insane. It was so insane, it did not give me any room to hate her for the fact she left me, hanging just like this with a dating news of her with other idol. That EXO kid I’d never ever heard from her lips. She talked so much about her co-workers, fellow idols from her company, you name it, Heechul, Key, Siwon, even Suho from the group itself, but I’d never heard of him. Not even once.

But BAM! Kim Taeyeon and Byun Baekhyun.

I hated the situation, I wanted to be mad at her, swear at her, hate her, but I could not.

I found the picture days after the news broke out and the hate towards her was so uncontrollable.

She was crying at the airport.

I went to Japan right away, pushed back my flight to Paris, and brought nothing with me but bunch of questions in my head. And I came home with nothing, no answers, but another bunch of heavy burden in my shoulder.

Nothing I could receive as an answer other than ‘wait’.

Waiting for what? How long? It had been two months but there was still no news.

I was here, was agreed to perform at KCON 2014, rushed into her hotel, because I thought, I had no other chance anymore other than this, but here I was.

I saw her. She saw me. I swear to God, she saw me standing here, in the lobby, but she took away her gaze from mine. I was about to run to get closer to her but then I saw Tiffany with that pleading eyes.

I wanted to ask her.

I just wanted to know why.

How.

What should I do.

I went to the front desk right away, and asked them specifically to book room in the same floor as Girls Generation. The staff was about to decline, then I showed my all access card I got from the KCON staff. She finally gave up.

While calling Tiffany’s Korean number, hoping it’s connected, I rushed to the elevator. I could hear the waiting tone before finally I heard her voice.

Not Tiffany’s.

But her.

“I beg you, Ji. Wait for me. I would explain everything to you. But please wait. Can you wait,” after months, I could finally listen to that voice.

I went out from the elevator, stood there in the closest corner from it. “Don’t you think I need an explanation?”

“I know, that is why, can you wait?”

“Are you really two-timing me, Taeng?”

She sighed, “are you? If you were questioning me about it, then can I? Can I ask you whether you two timing me by pushing back your flight that time from Tokyo? When I wished you to enjoy Tokyo, Ji, I really hope you did not.”

“I promised you, thing will get better. Taeng. You don’t believe me?”

“I can only promise you nothing,” with that the connection ended.

We had no words shared, for months, after her dating news and she gave me nothing but questioning my loyalty to her. Out of everyone who gave me doubts, I was so afraid of her having those doubts. But with that very short conversation we were having, I knew for sure, she also had the same doubts, just like how Taeyang and other people saw me.

What should I do now, then?

I gave back the phone to Tiffany and walked to the bed.

“Until when? Until when it had to be like this?” I screamed out. “Can I just walk out and tell him what’s really happening? Can I, oppa????” I asked out, calling out my manager oppa. “If you guys cannot allow me to have relationship with him, then just gave me time to end it all. Give me time to have a proper conversation with him.”

Our manager just looked at me with that look I hated the most, pity.

“Do you really think you wanted to end this, relationship you are having?”

With that question, I sat in the bed and looked at him in disbelief, “oppa, do you think I still had a chance to continue the relationship? After you guys asked me to cut the communication with him, since May! Three months of me not receiving his calls, with his text blocked from my phone, and worse, with the stupid dating news the company forced to release. Do you think with those things happened between me and him, there is still a chance of him to think the relationship is still exist??” I let it out angrily.

I saw Tiffany looked at me with horror. She had no choice but excused herself to go to her room.

My eyes started to get teary. Finally, I let out my cries, again, I did not know how many times I cried these past months. “And the hell with crisis management! It just brought even much more damages for both me and Baekhyun. You can see how much hates we both having because of this stupid act. And the needs of me to lie, not only to my real boyfriend who was left in the dark for three months, I did not even know whether our status still valid or not, but also I lied to my fans, the public, my family, everyone. I really wanted to go back to that time and say this to your stupid bosses: THE HELL WITH THIS CRISIS MANAGEMENT!”

With that I threw my body to the bed and held out the pillow, hard. I heard the door was closing the next second. I know, I should not throw my anger at him, our manager. But I was so angry, so sad, disappointed, confused, everything at once.

Tokyo

August 18th 2014

“Stop with that down face looking at your phone every time, instead enjoy the party,” Yoon noona sat next to me. I looked around to the VIP room that served for my birthday. The balloon, the cake that had my age ’27’, also my friends who looked enjoying the music. My Japanese friends.

I accepted the invitation right away when Yoon noona asked me to come to Tokyo. Maybe it was because of that time I had in States when I finally can see her and listen to her voice, but all of those still lead to more confusion.

“Hey, birthday boy,” I saw her walking closer to me. Kiko. I smiled at her. She offered me a glass of champagne. “I really hope you could enjoy your birthday and forget all things you have in mind,” she