Play this song for me

Can you hear my heart

The melody that resembles us

Stay still, it rings in our ears

Can you feel the feeling of that day

Oh I love, Oh I love, Oh I love the way we flow...

I looked at him today, finally in smile. Deep down, I could not believe, I, myself, Kim Taeyeon, had offered him to be a friend. And to make it even more cringier, I added, bestest friend ever. But what can I do… He was sitting in front of me this afternoon, in tears, saying himself, how he had no confidence, at all, in himself.

Out of everyone in this world that I know, him, G-Dragon, Kwon Jiyong told me, with tears in eyes. I could see his frustration, I could see his tiredness, and his loneliness. Everything that I once felt. Years ago, back at that time when he offered me friendship too, which I declined. Came to think of it, he was the one who picked me up when I was not even aware I needed to be pick up.

Though, at the end, he gave me a deep pain I could not forget.

I asked myself again, why could not I forgive him easily. The deep pain was one thing, but more than that, I sometimes felt if I ever forgave him, I felt like I had betrayed myself, my old self who was in so much pain. Have you ever feel like that? Because I felt that way. Forgiveness felt so much like a betrayal. Betrayal of our old selves who once got hurt. It seemed like when we extended our forgiveness, it means we invalidate the pain, we took it out from our memories, we voided it from our lives.

But then, once I did, like what I was doing now, I let out the forgiveness, sincerely, it felt like the burden, the heavy burden was lifted. It did not take away the pain, but I felt so much lighter. That was the reason I could finally smile at him.

And finally, after that, I could feel empathy and offer him a friendship.

So it’s true then what Tiffany told me that night after MAMA 2015, the first time I met him again. When she called him and bowed at him, though i told her not to do that. I still remember what Tiffany told me, forgiveness never about the other party, it’s an act for our own sanity. It does not mean that we invalidate the hurt and pain we once felt, but instead it would be an act of kindness, not for the other party, but for us. She told me, which I did not understand, yet, that time, un-forgiveness is like drinking a rat poison and thinking that the offender would get hurt.

Just how long I should keep the grudge on him, hoping it would hurt him. Which in my case, I can see, it did hurt him. But what did I gain from that?

Did that make me happy? No.

Instead, it kept hurting me, because the scene was keep playing in my head over and over.

Did it make the feeling I once had go away?

For that question, I used to say it did.

In times of doubt, I would answer, I am not sure.

But now, after I sat in front of him, being open to him, like I did almost decade ago. And him in tears telling me his struggles, I might say, I did not think so.

And even now, when I finally arrived at the parking lot of my apartment, I could say… For this second, I was almost certain, it did not.

It did not make the feelings go away.

I put my head in the steering wheel.

What the hell, Kim Taeyeon.

What on earth…

The Lounge of SIGNIEL SEOUL

April 2022

“I watched your performance, on Dingo. You are amazing, like you always,” he said after there were a moment of silence in between them. “And you have such a wide discography, I cannot even choose one genre that suits you”

Taeyeon was looking at him with a question look, “It’s more than a month already, and you just watched it?”

Jiyong was laughing, “of course not. I contributed about hundreds of view to your million views!” he replied as they enjoy lunch they had.

Yes, this was their second lunch.

Ever since their reconciliation a week ago.

Jiyong has asked her to meet, a day before his song, his group’s song released.

“How are you feeling about tonight?” Taeyeon asked while having the dessert. Right now, she was having a bourbon vanilla ice cream, while Jiyong was still sticking to the order, so he was still having mushroom soup right now. Taeyeon was the one who being rebel, so she asked the server to give her the dessert first.

“For now, I think it’s much better...” he said as he smiled. “knowing how our fans have been reacting to this, I must say, I am excited.”

“You sure have a thing for Lotte. Last time was Lotte Hotel, now Lotte World Tower,” she said as this was their second lunch and he always chose Lotte’