Each and every day is just long your smile that’s pieced together

Swallows me into a sleepless dream

Me in the mirror that’s a lot like you

You make me Better babe ...

I arrived in the toilet, went to the sink quickly and held it strongly, I needed something to help me standing because I felt my feet was really weak.

After taking a deep breath as I controlled it, I went into one of the stall and sat in the toilet. How could I go back there, what should I say, why did I need to be that open and transparent to him in times like this? The tears were flowing slowly as I blinked my eyes. I was so frustrated with my weakness, I hurriedly brush them away from my cheeks. I did not only miss him, but the fact that I can still flow it out of my mind what I had deep inside me, to him, it amazed me how he could do that, still, even after years of his absence in my life. And how my brain and my lips responded to him, to tell out what I had in mind.

I was calculating, again, as I always do. There were times I was in deep thoughts in times I reminiscence the memories I had with him, the good one. But then the bad ones would come out, telling me again how deep the wound he caused me that time back in 2014, how he easily called me selfish, when I was having such a hard time.

I was questioning myself like I did before, like I always do. Why did we have to come at this point? Being so far away? There were times I looked back and trying to positioning myself in his shoes, was I too cruel to just turn my back, was I too cold hearted for ignoring all the (maybe) good intentions he had when he sent me messages, flowers, and gifts, was I too selfish, like how he called me to not give him time to process my last words at him and my explanations and disappeared like that, but then again, the pain was still there. I cried weeks even months after what happened that time in backstage. And even up until now, I could feel the pang in my heart every time I looked at him, at that face of him, and how easily those words came out from those lips.

I went out after sitting for about ten minutes and saw my reflection in the mirror. Thankful I did not wear any mascara as this is still Corona, hence I did not wear any make up. After counting to ten, I straight up my body and went back to the room.

Before opening the door, while holding the doorknob, I counted to ten again, took a deep breath, a real deep one, and opened it. I noticed his gaze did not leave me as I walked back to my seat.

“Sorry,” I said and sat down in front of him.

I looked at him, the food was still there, he was still in the same posture and position as he was when I left the room. 

“I did not mean to make you cry,” he said.

And he noticed me crying though I already washed my face in the restroom. Maybe I was that easy to be read or maybe he was that good at reading me. Or maybe he always this good.

“I sometimes do think I am selfish, like what you said, that time,” I said to him in my low voice.

“Taeng, please…” he cut me off.

I held out my hand, “just let me finish,” which making him stayed back in silent. “I sometimes did ask myself, do you deserve to be treated like that. Am I being too mean and selfish that I did not give you any chance to say anything to me. But…” I stopped for a while to take a deep breath, “it pains me so much. It did and it still gives the same effect to me, Jiyong. For all the times you sent me message, the same exact words were ringing in my head. For all the gifts from you that I threw to the trash can, your face when you said those words was still playing in my head. For all the daisies that I saw in the street, in the internet, your songs that I randomly listened and skipped the next second, it reminded me so much that accusation I received, not only from the fans, from media, from random persons in the internet, but from you. The last words I ever imagined you will call me, selfish,” I did not hold myself because I felt like it needed to be heard, something that I kept down, as I always did with every thought I had.

And Jiyong always like that. He had that effect for me to be easily open to him.  And after years, I think this was the right time for me to be open to him. He looked down at his hands. I did not mean to corner him. But I cannot control how he accepted the words I told him.

“You know my story, Jiyong. You know all my struggles. And how people misunderstood me. But there you were, calling me selfish. You know how much I held myself and my ambitions, but then you called me that word, selfish. Even until now, I sometimes go to sleep thinking all the things happened all day, all decisions I made, all the words I said, and asked, are those an act of me being selfish?” I continued, and for now I had no strength to look at him. Because if I did, I would definitely in tears again. So I chose to look at my plate, my empty one, because I did not think I can continue into the main course.

“Taeyeon…”

“Ji, what I told you that time, are coming from my deepest heart. I do forgive you,” I cut him off again and continued, “but to forget all the things happened, all the words you said, I don’t think I could manage that,” I said while now I had enough trust in myself to look at him.

He took a deep sigh, while still looking down at his hands that he put in his laps.