Seongsu-dong

March 2022

“Think about it again, Noona… How we both spent our days and nights looking back at times we should just say yes and rush to hyung in times he texted us. How we regret those busy days that did not allow us to be with him in his loneliest days,” as usual, Kim Ki-Bum always had a thing to say. What he meant by Hyung was Jonghyun. He talked about regrets they both had after he passed away.

He was with the owner of this unit, having a prawn carbonara pasta he just cooked in her kitchen.

“Those times, we blamed ourselves so much because we missed all the signs was given to us. And now, here he is, telling you directly, how he needs someone to talk to, and he thinks no other can understand him well, other than you. He desperately said it to you, he needs you,” he said in between munching the meal. “Oh, the food so good. I sometimes cannot help but to ask myself, what thing I cannot do.”

Taeyeon was smiling at his last remarks. How could he say something like that in between their serious conversation. After her last encounter with Jiyong after Amazing Saturday, she told Key everything that happened. Key knew everything about it. He’s the closest one to her, outside SNSD members. And after that time, in 2014, they got even closer. She told him everything she cannot tell the members. All things she used to tell Kwon Jiyong.

She just told him, how stupid she was to agree at his invitation to meet, to talk. After many attempts he did, finally she said no choice but to say yes.

He had been doing that, since years ago. After her last words at Seoul Olympic Hall, after he had special stage at his bestfriend’s concert, he had been trying to reach her. When they finally met at MAMA 2015, which Taeyeon gave no reply but erasing his number from her phone. When they met again the next year, when she tried to be normal on stage yet received his cold gestures on stage. That time, Taeyeon was thinking, it was finally the time, the time for him to stop trying whatever he was trying. But then, at night, she received another text, coming from unknown number:

What should I do, Taeng?

Which she deleted right away.        

She would receive random messages, on her birthdays, his birthdays, when she was releasing a new song or an album, when he was releasing a song or even some times he told her when he was writing a song. She would receive a long message containing the lyric of his new song. She would send all of those to trash, immediately. Deleted the message(s) right away. The last message she received from him was on the day he left to military. After that, she did not have to delete any more messages. Before finally another message had arrived in her inbox, early this year.

He tried many times to get her not only by messages (and calls even sometimes he had guts to ask Tiffany’s help). He sent many flowers, sometimes with a card but after times, no cards at all. But they were all the same, daisies. So, the card was not needed. Not only flowers, but also gifts even all new products of his brand were sent to her. That brand with daisy, the imperfect daisy. Luckily they were all sent to her old dorm where she used to live with other members. So she can easily ask help from other to just throw them away, without she even needed to see them. Before finally those fresh daisies were sent to her apartment, early this year.

Taeyeon thought, finally he gave up. After years have passed. After many girls rumoured to be his giflfriends. Even the one that she recently met, but he had been trying again.

She had all the clouds in her head. Moreover, for what Key just said. Maybe he just needed someone to talk to? She met him recently and she could say, he was different. The way he walked and talked, and the way he acted in front of camera during Nolto, all of them telling her, he was so different. He looked more… anxious?

“Noona, what if, you are his last resort. His last one to get help?” Key was saying it again, popped all the clouds she had in mind but making new ones inside it. “Would you spare another regrets in your life, if something bad happened? I heard from the news they will come back, Bigbang. Maybe… just maybe, he needs support, or simply a talk with you,” he continued.

“Why me? Why now? He could just pay greatest and most expensive therapist ever,” she asked.

“Why not you? You are being active all these times when he was not. After those dating scandal Girls Generation had, after yours who brought so much pain and heartache, then a member leaving making the public threw bad words to member who stayed, then some members left the company, one of your bestfriend passed away, after all those things happened to you in span of your career, here you are, still coming back with a successful one. You are still on TV doing show, even next month you would be Grand Master of girlgroups’ competition show. You survive it all, Noona, which I am so proud. He definitely would too. And with news of him coming back to industry, I don’t think no one could give him one word or two, better than you. Don’t you think?”

Taeyeon looked at him, still in doubts.

“You are afraid, I understand.” He said again, as if he could read her. Which she got to admit, sometimes, he did, precisely.

“After all these years, Kibum, I’ve tried so hard after all these years, but it leads to nowhere,” finally, she broke in tears. “I did not read all the messages he sent. I threw away all the flowers and gifts I received. But still, no one can replace that one place he once had. It’s empty, and no one can re-fill that. I’ve tried, many times, you have been there all the time. But still…”

Key hugged her in the next second. “I understand, Noona. There is no normal woman in this world who will let a guy like Ravi in vain, Noona. Only you. You who, unfortunate for Ravi, had a history with that dragon,” he said, making Taeyoen chuckled in between her tears. “So, just give him a chance, go meet him, with neutral heart and mind. Listen to his worry, all of his story. Be friend with him?”

“I told him we can never be friends,” Taeyeon said.

“Then, maybe now is the right time to try.”

Taeyeon was just looking at him, with a lot of question in her head. But maybe, he was right.