We were in the car, his car, his black Hyundai, to be exact. Our conversation just now headed to nothing. Or was It even need something? Should it be just like this, like I told him, we should not be friends. Which weirdly, he agreed to it. He told me, he knew, we cannot be friends.

We talked nothing afterwards. Just me and him looked into each other until we found there were no one in the restaurant hence we needed to head out.

And yeah, not even my friend and his friend. I should text Tiffany to ask where was she.

We exchanged no words after his last word “I know”. I just followed him to the parking lot and now here we were, sitting next to each other. He just started his car, but it was not moving.

“I am so thankful for you too, Sunbae. If you needed to know, I am telling you now. I am as grateful as you are, that we found and talk to each other,” finally, I burst out. Maybe he was confused. Maybe he thought the feeling about being thankful of whatever it was we were having, not mutual. And I wanted him to know, that it was mutual. “There is no one I know personally that can sync with me, other than you. I am telling you, because you need to know. Because I want you to know,” I added.

He looked at me, with his faint smile. I knew, he knew even without me telling him.

“And why I told you we cannot be friends, because, I don’t think we can,” I continued again. “I know you think the same way. If not, you won’t avoid my text when you were with her. And you won’t lie to her when you were with me. Friends won’t do that. Jonghyun never lied to his girlfriend though he was with me at midnight,” I gave him the example.

He just nodded.

“These past months, how to say it,” I stopped to find better words, “even Tiffany told me, if not happier, it seems like the heavy burden in both of my shoulders have been lifted, every time I came home after meeting you. Though we did not use the words so much, I feel like I can pour everything out to you. I feel like you can understand me even sometimes without any words. Just us having time together, sitting in this car, like this”.

There was a silent moment after I told him what I felt. Because I felt that he needed to know. I wanted to tell him too that I was too afraid to get too attached with him, but I think I would save that for later. I did not want him to know that I was scared of him, of whatever we were having, and for it to stop, if ever it would stop.

“She is my ex,” finally he told me.

It was unnecessary, because I could tell how heartbroken he was the first time we met.

Or was it necessary, remembering how they both spent Christmas in the island which making me sad the other days. Remembering how afraid I was to find myself getting disappointed, because I was so in hope to see his reply to message(s) and found none?             

“She is not just my ex. She basically was my everything,” he sighed. “I am not even sure, whether to use past tense, or not yet to use past tense,” he continued “She was my muse, she breathed air to my lungs, she gave me inspirations, she gave me purposes, she gave me reason to get back and go to the studio.”

I looked at him. Giving him more time to talk.

“I wrote many love letters during our relationship and weird thing, I am writing even more the time she called the relationship off. She called it off, Taeng. But then she came again and I was still trapped in whatever games she is playing with me. She holds that remote controlling my emotion. I would go on and off following the click her finger did. When she clicked off, then it’s off. I would be so much in pain, got my heart so broken, cursing her, and all memories we had,” he said it in so much… anger? He took a deep breath before continued, “then, when I already got into my feet, wrote all my pain away, then she came again, clicked it on. And I would go crazy, following all she wants. And it will go off again.”

I did not know from where the strength coming, but I was grasping his tremble hand, his left hand. I saw it trembling so hard when he spoke. And his palm was indeed sweaty, although the aircon was on. He looked at me surprised. I had no choice but to intertwined our fingers. He took a deep breath again.

 “I am stupid like that,” he said.

I shook my head. “You just…. In love?” I said and looking up to him.

“You think so?” he asked, which I answered with a shrug.

“She came back, you were there when she called me. I was so happy. I cannot foc