”Hwani, what are you doing? You shouldn’t be here.” My mother’s voice was alarming and it scared me. Didn’t she want me either? Did both my parents hate? I found myself staring at her, amazed by her beauty. Dad had been right; my mother was truly a real beauty. Silky black hair, fair flawless skin, dark almond-shaped eyes, a distinct nose and plump red lips. But I couldn’t understand why people had commented that I looked exactly like her. When seeing her now standing before me, I knew that it was a lie. She was far more beautiful than I could ever dream of.

“You don’t want me either?” I asked her as I started to cry. This had to be the worst feeling of a human being. Not being wanted by either of your parents.

I saw how the light was getting stronger and it didn’t take long for me to understand that I was being pulled towards it. And thus also towards my mother who told me to stay strong and not give in, but I didn’t understand. How could I stay strong when my life was a living hell, it was easier to let go and vanish into the light.

But just as the light were about to grasp my body I was harshly pulled towards the darkness, and the last thing I heard was my mother’s voice. She told me to have faith and hope.

My eyes shot open, it hurt. My whole body was hurting and I didn’t understand what was happening. Maybe if I closed my eyes again it would disappear? I tried, but a voice was calling my name, at the same time as my body was lifted up. Why would I be flying when I was lying in the bathtub?

I fluttered my eyes open and stared into someone’s eyes. He was hovering over me and leaning in towards my face and a few seconds later I felt his lips against mine and how air was filling my chest. I couldn’t move. My whole body was as if it had been totally paralyzed.

“Yah, Hwani. Wake up.” His voice, it struck my heart because it was so painful to hear. It was as if he was begging. I wanted to say something, do something to lessen his worries. Yet, I didn’t know who he was. Sung Yeol? MyungSoo? Someone else? Either who, I couldn’t be mad at him. I wanted to tell him that it was okay. But I couldn’t move any part of my body; I couldn’t get a word out of my mouth.

I squinted my eyes in a try to see who it was, and when I did. I got even more confused of what was happening. It wasn’t Sung Yeol. It was MyungSoo. I pushed myself into trying to move my hand. It was hard and utterly painful. But after a few tries I found his hand and let my hand slip into it.

At this point, I couldn’t understand why he was crying, was it because he had seen me ? Wasn’t the one who should be sad about that? My heart began to thump harder at the thought of him seeing my body. Plus that he had carried me to the bed.

My breath was starting to recall and I opened my mouth in an attempt to speak. Something that I’d never found this hard before.

“Don’t cry.” I stated in an almost insignificant tone as I breathed out, his hand gripped harder around mine before I saw how he lowered his upper body towards mine and then placed his head against my towel covered chest. I shivered when his tears came in-contact with the bare skin on my neck.

“I won’t let you go a second time.”

My whole body froze at his words. What did he mean with that? He never had me. I was so confused. I couldn’t even tell whether this was a dream or reality. Sung Yeol, I want Sung Yeol now. I want this to stop. I began to cry as I heard how someone knocked on the door. Sung Yeol?

“Hwani, food.” he knocked one more time. But neither MyungSoo nor I said anything. My words wouldn’t come out and MyungSoo was still crying, something that I couldn’t do anything about. “Hwani are you okay?” he was now banging on the door, but I couldn’t move. I wanted to scream that everything was not okay. Suddenly he stopped and I heard how the door opened but I couldn’t turn my head.

“YAH!” Sung Yeol seemed beyond furious and the way he banged his feet’s hard against the floor didn’t ease the pain that struck my heart, even though I had no clue on what had happened in the bathroom.

I watched how Sung Yeol pulled MyungSoo away from me, and then how he raised his hand as if he was about to punch MyungSoo in the face. I couldn’t understand why my heart seemed so pained about that. MyungSoo had after all seen my body.

“D-don’t.”

Sung Yeol looked at me a good while before he lowered his hand and let go of MyungSoo’s collar, who slumped down on the chair next to the bed. Carefully I moved my head to the side so that I could look at them both. MyungSoo’s tears were still visible and I wondered what had caused him to start crying.

“What happened to the bathroom door, and you?” I watched as Sung Yeol went up towards the bathroom door, and it wasn’t until know that I saw that it had been kicked in. What had really happened in there?

“MyungSoo-yah, what happened?” Sung Yeol turned his attention towards MyungSoo and I looked at him, waiting for him to explain. His eyes flashed and he turned dead serious as he glared at me. “If you want to kill yourself then don’t do it here.” He spat, my eyes widened at his words. That’s why mom had entered my dream. Why everything was so light. I had fallen asleep in the bathtub and ended up under the water.

“You tried to kill yourself?”

“No, I fell asleep.” I replied as MyungSoo stood up and proceeded towards the door, but he stopped just as he reached it before he turned around. “How can you fall asleep in a bathtub.” He glared at me and then exited the room. Well, it wasn’t as if I planned to fall asleep, it just happened. And why was he so damn upset. He didn’t like me either way so why did he care?

“You should take that towel off or else you are going to get sick.” Sung Yeol pointed out as I looked down on the water soaked towel that was wrapped around my body, “Only if you answer a question?” I said as MyungSoo’s sentence ‘I won’t let you go a second time’ came to mind.

“Okay, anything?”

“When MyungSoo helped me out of the tub he said that he wouldn’t let me go a second time, what did he mean by that?” I questioned and as soon as I finished I saw how his mouth twitched a bit, as if he was troubled. But I urged him to tell me, he had promised. I heard him sigh as he placed himself down on the same chair that MyungSoo had been seated on just a few minutes ago.

“It was during summer two years ago and the orphanage we stayed at would go to the beach that day. And there was this girl that MyungSoo was in-love with who also stayed at the same orphanage who would also go to the beach. But as we were there something went wrong and the girl disappeared under the water. No one managed to find her before it was too late and she drowned. After that, he hasn’t let anyone enter his heart because he’s afraid that they will disappear just like she did.” Sung Yeol finished as I started into the distance. Still, I didn’t understand why he was crying because of me. He hated me.

“But MyungSoo cried, I saw how he cried, I don’t understand, he hates me.” I stated dumbfound as I turned my head so that I was looking straight at Sung Yeol.

“No, he doesn’t hate you. He’s afraid of falling in-love with you. That’s why he pushes you away.”