Thank you for all the warm comments on the last chapter. I appreciate all of your kindness. I'm doing fine so far, eevrything is fine. Thank you. :)

BTW, This chapter marks the end of this batch. Thank you so much to those who sends in their request and also to those reading + commenting. All of this won't be done without your supports. ^^ 

Enjoy~~ And thank you for supporting me n this shop too!~ Read A/N at the end of chap for announcement!

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THANK YOU ^^

WAITING IS SO PAINFUL

UNTIL I BECAME NUMB

BUT WHEN THE TIME COMES

THE PAIN WILL RISE

CRASHING THROUGH MY RIBCAGE

BURNING MY LUNGS

AND YOU WON’T SEE ME ANYMORE….

2018

Chanwoo cries his eyes out with loud wails and sobs. He clutches on whoever shirt it is, feeling sorry at the same time for wetting the fabric. But the soft soothing circles over his back encourage him to cry more, to let it all out until he’s numb. But numbness is still a long way to come.

He’s in the front seat of Yedam’s car, the person he’s holding on to is definitely his best friend. He feels hushes and some sniff coming from the backseat. Judging by the feminine low voices it must have been either Jisoo or Lisa or both of them. They must have chased both Chanwoo and Yedam down until the latter drags him into his car, driving somewhere far from the campus so that he can get away from everything.

Get away from all this heartbreak.

Get away from June, who does not love him anymore.

“Shuushh…. It’s okay, Chanu. Everything will be alright.” Lisa whispers soothingly but even from a closed lids, Chanwoo can hear the sobs in her voice. She’s crying along to his agony, his heartache and pain.

This is the worst feeling ever in the world.

-

He has been crying for days now, his pillows and blankets all wet and messy. His whole face bloated. But Chanwoo still could function to pack up all his belongings since they have only 1 week before moving out from the dorm forever. They are graduating after all.

All his friends are doing their absolute best to cheer Chanwoo up. He is never alone; even when he’s sleeping at least one is awake to wake him up from his nightmares. That’s one of Chanwoo’s complex; whenever he’s extremely sad, nightmares would come. But the main reason why his friends won’t let him sleep alone is because Chanwoo in the past would always call June if he’s awaken from nightmares.

He still do so now, only the difference is when he grabs his phone, before he can tap on June’s number, realization dawned on him harsh and he becomes hysteric. Kudos to Donghyuk from starting this routine because Chanwoo would pass out from panic attack for sure if no one is around to comfort him.

It’s obvious how all of them are furious with June; especially Donghyuk, since he’s the one punching him like no tomorrow. Seungyoon has told Chanwoo that if they are not inside the self-study room, Donghyuk and June might just be expelled from fighting. Chanwoo has never seen June after that day despite all the calls from the latter, he refuses to take it.

Finally the day when they would move out come. Yedam is generous enough to drop off Chanwoo, Donghyuk, Minho and Jisoo to the train station. Seungyoon will be taking Lisa home since they live in the same neighborhood. Jinwoo, Jiwon and Hoon have their own cars. June? Chanwoo doesn’t know. Don’t really care.

Maybe it is his fault. Maybe it’s because he is so stupid, so sensitive, insecure, and lack self-esteem that make June cheats on him. Or maybe it’s the latter’s own fault too. But Jisoo is kind enough to tell him this last night during one of their dinner.

“There will never be any excuses to justified cheating; despite any situation. Cheating is a bad thing and it should never be used from anybody to explain your wreckage’s relationship. Cheating is never the way out from a problem.” Chanwoo is sure he will forever remember her words.

He’s loading up his luggage when out of a sudden, somebody comes towards them in the dorm’s parking lot. Surprisingly, it is Park Chaeyoung and Jennie Kim. Chanwoo’s already pale face turns ashen in seconds, then red in rage but he hides it well. He keeps arranging the luggage inside the trunk without even looking at her whilst it’s Jisoo and Minho covering him up from the two girls.

“I—I need to talk to Chanwoo sunbaenim.” Chaeyoung’s timid voice speaks out. There’s slight tremble in her voice coming from those slender small body.

Jisoo perks her right eyebrows up intimidatingly, both arms crossed over her chest. “Really? For what? Mocking him?” She sounds so cold until Chanwoo himself isn’t sure if it’s really Jisoo talking. Yedam and both Donghyuk standing beside him are equally surprised. “We don’t want to see you here. Chanwoo doesn’t want to talk to you either.” Well, Jisoo is right though. Chanwoo really doesn’t want to.

Not after everything.

If Chanwoo would just turn back a bit, he could see how Chaeyoung’s chin quiver. “P—Please. Ju—Just hear me out.” She said with each trembles following each words. Chanwoo almost feels sorry for her and turns, but a firm hand over his shoulders stop him from moving. It’s Donghyuk and he sounds intimidating.

“There’s nothing you should tell us, Chaeyoung. You’re young, just take this as an experience and move on.” Donghyuk sounds so sarcastic, as if telling her to keep up her ty attitude. Chanwoo is then pushed to the backseat, still unable to look at the girl. After everybody has taken their seats in the car only then he gets a glimpse of her outside from the moving car, looking all messed up with tears ruining her makeup. Jennie is besides her comforting her.

Chanwoo almost feels sorry but he really doesn’t want to talk to her at all.

It’s been 3 days since Chanwoo is back in his hometown in Yongin and June won’t stop texting or calling him. There’s almost 400+ messages solely from him begging Chanwoo to forgive him, to reply his texts or pick up his calls. Chanwoo pays no heed to that. He finds no reasons to talk to June.

But needless to say he misses June badly; to the point the pain feels tangible. Like someone is really plunging a knife deep down his throat slashing through his ribcage. He never thoughts it’s true when people said the pain of heartbreak is the same like a physical pain. Every single day that passed by, with the images of June and Chaeyoung replying over and over again in his head, it drives Chanwoo absolutely mad. He is never himself anymore and his parents could see that.

Chanwoo isn’t alive, yet he’s not dead either. It’s like walking aimlessly in between, the pain never leave him be.

It isn’t until 1 whole week later when Chanwoo reaches his limit. He misses June badly to the point he feels like dying. But he wants to stop the pain. So for the first time ever, he opens June’s text.

June: how are you doing?

June: are you alright?

June: Chanu…. Im sorry for everything. I really am

June: I don’t know what happened to me. I shouldn’t have done this to you. im so sorry

June: there’s nothing between me and Chaeyoung….. please forgive me. It’s all my fault. I’m sorry

Chanwoo reads one by one with expressionless face. Despite the heartache, and another voice deep in his heart telling him to listen to June, he just can’t do so. Weeks spilling those tears and facing nightmares, the heartache is like never ending, Chanwoo can’t handle another wave of disappointment and he knows what the best way for it to end.

He gives no reply, the simple ‘hey’ he gave is accompanied by almost 2 dozens messages from June and he only reads them without sending any reply. June is getting desperate by seconds, begging and asking forgiveness for so many times. Chanwoo almost feels sorry for the other.

Unable to hold any longer, he breaks loss the mask he’s been wearing even on his heart. Letting all emotions spill out uncontrollably. Chanwoo types in reply, each letters feel like an eternity ticking.

Chanu: how could you do this to me, June?

Chanu: how could you…..

It doesn’t take long for June to send in his reply…

June:………. I’m sorry

June: I know I am wrong. I am so sorry

June: please forgive me. You can beat me up, slap me, kill me

June: you can do anything to me. As long as you will forgive me

Chanu: you think it’s that easy?

Chanu: you cheated on me June

Chanu: that isn’t something so simple. I don’t think even killing u I will be at peace

Chanu: you’re such an

June: I know………..

Chanu: tell me

Chanu: why did you do it?

Chanu: why won’t u just talk to me

Chanu: you could have just text or call or meet me up and tell me you are tired of me

Chanu: why would you cheat on behind me when I can just let you go if you wanted to

Chanu: you’ve never been there for me anymore anyways

He doesn’t know what’s wrong with him but Chanwoo is certain the past him wouldn’t write like this. Chanwoo won’t even be able to let the idea of June walking out of his life entertain his head. He hates it, and it always makes him having a panic attack for hours. He couldn’t believe how much he has changed.

How much June and his action have changed him to be this heartless.

June: let me explain everything

Chanu: you don’t have to say anything anymore

June: please….

June: please let me explain it to you

June: I….. I feel lonely

Chanwoo snaps at that.

Chanu: so that’s it? that’s why you cheated on me?! Because you’re lonely???

Chanu: then what am I been doing with you all these time? Am I a ing stick or something? A stone?! You can’t even come to me and talk when you’re down? When I did so you only step on me and yell at me?!!!

Chanu: you’re selfish you’re sick

Chanu: you’re absolutely horrible June

For few minutes come no reply from June and Chanwoo thoughts maybe he has went too far. But it’s all he wanted to say. All his pent up frustration, he finally let them out. It’s absolutely frustrating when June can’t even be there for him but when Chanwoo who has always stayed by his side wants his help and attention, June has the nerve to find someone else for refugee. Chanwoo can’t accept that.

How can you be so selfish to your own feelings but not to others? I have always needed you but then you pushed me away so easily, in the name of ‘my stupidity’.

And June’s replies come.

June: I am so sorry….

June: I’m just afraid

Chanu: of me leaving you?

June: yes……

Chanu: so that’s why you’re leaving me first?

June: Chanu I could have never leave you. I love you

Chanu: don’t say anything. I’m tired

Chanu: I’m tired of everything

Chanu: I’m tired of crying

Chanu: I’m tired of being the one who said sorry so many times

Chanu: I’m tired of being like this. Ignored by you

June: ………..

Chanu: I’m tired of being the only one wanting to save this relationship, when in the start you have never wanted to keep it

Chanu: I can’t hold on any longer.

Chanwoo does not regret his next words.

Chanu: we’re done

Chanu: let’s break up.

He sets his phone down, feeling a big boulder crashing onto him and he cries. He cries so badly until it awakened his parents next door. He let all of the pain comes through, accepting them. Chanwoo accepts this farewell.

No matter how deadly painful it is.

June: Chanu please don’t

June: I love you……….i still love you……… I want you

June: im sorry I didn’t mean it. I dint mean ayn of thiiss

June: pls don’t leave me……

June: chanu pleaseee……

Chanwoo doesn’t reply to him anymore.

WHEN YOU’RE HOLDING ON TO A ROPE TOO TIGHT,

IT WILL BLEED YOU.

2020

June packs all of his belongings inside his trunk, getting ready for a long ride of 2 hours to the outskirts of Seoul. It’s Saturday and he will be meeting his colleges’ friends after so long. Simple camping is what Hoon has told him but considering almost everyone is there; including the almost exaggerated couple Seungyoon-Lisa and mother-hen Jisoo, there’s no way it’s going to be simple.

So he packs 1 medium sized duffel bag, pairs of new trousers, few shirts and undies along with another backpack for other essentials things before June moves out. With each miles he’s passing, only one thing lingers in his head; what will he do if he meets Chanu there?

The campsite is somewhere in Busan; at the outskirts of town hidden in between villages. June wonders if it’s a decent village not like the mysterious one in movies where ritual is done and all of them will get killed. That is not how he thoughts he would spend his weekend here. But the place looks pretty huge and populated. The villagers are nice and he thinks it’s only his paranoia playing around him.

He has reached the address where Hoon has given him. It seems like a guest house with large windows and huge backyard. So there is the mentioned campsite. He steps inside the wooden gate and it’s like transporting back to Goryeo. Everything looks traditional; from the pavement until the details of the big wooden bench in the corner of the house. The air is fresh and he has never felt this peaceful. The greenery is a 180 degree changes from the bustle of busy greyish Seoul.

He is too observed with the surroundings until June fails to realize the figure standing beside him. With a slight hoarse but melodic voice the person asks him politely, “Can I help you?”

June almost stumbles face first to the floor. Luckily he didn’t as he bows down to the man in embarrassment. The latter chuckles at his antics. Still smiling warmly. “Are you perhaps Goo Junhwe-shii?”

“Y—Yes. How did you—“ June’s gears working to remember in case he has met this guy anywhere. But nothing pops out.

“Ah you’re quite early. The rest haven’t arrived just yet but Hoon did tell me about one of his friends coming from Seoul.” The man smiles as he said those. June secretly glances at