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This is the last prompt. The next chap coming up soon~

 

 

We should always appreciate someone we loved Before they are gone ....   - blackpink4

 

 

HOW DOES IT FEELS LIKE LOSING SOMEONE YOU LOVE WHILE THEY’RE STILL ALIVE?

 

2020

 

 

June checks on his phone for any messages or calls. Empty.

 

Sighing he opens the chat messages, stumbled upon one conversation but he can’t find the courage to open it. Letting his thumb hover over the name of the person, the back of his eyes started to burn. He sighs once again, locks the screen and pulls the gadget down until it collides with the bed. His whole body limp as he lies there lifelessly.

 

It’s been 2 years; and he is still weeping over his lost.

 

 

 

 

ARE YOU LOVED OR ONLY NEEDED?

 

2018

 

Chanwoo stares at the mug in his hands, the hot doesn’t stop him from curling his fingers tighter around them. He feels tired again, crying all night long for 1 week straight surely is enough to drive him crazy. His thoughts are a whirl of thunderstorm; mercilessly swirling around abusing his mind. He still can’t stop thinking about it.

 

“Can you please stop doing that?” It’s Donghyuk’s voice who brings him out from the trance momentarily. He looks up towards his best friend that is watching him with a deep frown. He seems worried. “Just drink your coffee quickly and stop thinking about that bastard.” Donghyuk turns his gaze to the notes on the table. He continues on studying for the test another 3 days with Chanwoo still weeping beside him in agony.

 

The latter sighs, drinking his coffee in silence but soon when the mug is out of reach from his lips he asks him, “I should give him time, right?”

 

Donghyuk sighs again, much heavily. “You do know how June is. If you keep pushing him when he’s on another mental breakdown, he’ll hurt you. He will say a lot of things he shouldn’t have said when he’s all messed up and that always brings bad effects to your relationship.”

 

Chanwoo looks down to the mug. Donghyuk now has his eyes on his friend as he pats on Chanwoo’s thigh supportively. “Just give him some time, alright? I’m sure he will come around.” Chanwoo can only hope so.

 

 

 

Dating your classmates in the same course proven to be much heartbreaking in Chanwoo’s opinion. Not to mention June and him have the same circle of friends so whenever they are on a cold shoulder, the rest would definitely find out. For example, when June has arrived in class wearing his obnoxious scowl over his face with all dark outfits, all of their friends’ eyes found Chanwoo first. It’s not hard to say the air turns solemn by then.

 

When the lecture has started, Chanwoo’s attention is taken off from his 3 years boyfriend but not for long. He finds himself zooning out somewhere in between the lectures; his head only filled with the depressive June.

 

“Has he eaten?”

“Is he alright?”

“Will he talk to me now? Reply my messages without being half-hearted?

“When can he stop acting this distance when I have my own share of burdens too?”

 

He can’t keep those thoughts out from his head, and it brings the suffocation back to his chest.

 

.

.

.

 

“Are you going back home now?”

 

Chanwoo’s words stop June in his track; the latter is walking down the stairs as he looks back to the voice. Chanwoo refuses to admit but the eye-contact is enough to relive all those butterflies in his stomach; pushing down the lingering disappointment, confusion and sadness in him. He is happy to gain June’s attention again.

 

But the cold and emotionless glistening in his orbs covered by the narrowed lids of his eye shape, Chanwoo feels the same shudder running down his spine. Thus the same disappointment, confusion and sadness return.

 

“Yeah.” June simply replied. “This evening class is cancelled so I’m heading home.”

 

Chanwoo nods absentmindedly, remembering their accounting class is cancelled abruptly. He wishes to continue the eye-contact but somehow those emotionless orbs are making him uneasy. He feels the sadness piling up mercilessly onto him, he has always hated whenever June looks at him that way.

 

He ponders on what to say next but his mind is blocked to think further as the raven head spoke. “Anything else?”

 

There he is. Chanwoo thoughts silently in his mind. The hostility, the lack of empathy and emotion with faked interest. That is another thing Chanwoo hates the most from his beloved boyfriend.

 

“Nothing.” As soon as the word slipped out from his mouth, June turns away and walks down the stairs, leaving behind a disheartened Chanwoo trying to not burst out in tears.

 

“Why are you always acting like this….?” It’s not always, but he is emphasizing every time June is in one of his ‘dark depressive mood’. He sighs heavily. Emptiness is his friend.

 

 

 

They are having a study group in the late midnight for the quiz tomorrow. Chanwoo lazily fished out his phone from his back jeans’ pocket, unlocks the phone only to sigh out again. Still no notification from June.

 

It’s only him, Donghyuk, Jiwon (who is 2 years older from them but he had extended the year because he’s looking after his sick mother), Minho and Yedam sitting in circles over the round table inside the desolate lounge room in the campus. They are taking a short break after long hours of discussing about possible miscalculation of algebraic forms and stuff, the banters they are having is far from the topic. Chanwoo takes this rest time to maybe read some messages from his beloved but of course none came to him.

 

Maybe June is studying too. Or maybe, as always when he is in his one of mental breakdown, he won’t reach out to Chanwoo. No messages, no calls. Nothing.

 

Yedam who is sitting right beside him is the first one noticing he isn’t joining the conversation about Fantastic Beasts’ series. So he asked, “Are you alright, Chanu? You look down.” His soft velvety voice is enough to gain everybody’s attention to them.

 

Chanwoo sighs again for the umpteenth time of the week. “Nothing. I’m just…. I don’t know.” They all have eyes on him now. Been friends for 3 years is enough of time to figure out what does it mean behind Chanwoo’s ‘I don’t know.

 

“Let me guess…. He’s not talking to you anymore, right?” Mino breaks the ice as he has his chin resting over his palm. Eyes boring the ‘I know it already’ in front of Chanwoo.

 

The latter sighs yet again. “Well for a record, we are really not talking anymore.”

 

“…We don’t talk anymore~...” The infamous Charlie Puth’s single blared through the empty space. All of them are looking at Jiwon who’s holding his phone like a mic.

 

“…..”

 

“We don’t talk anymore…. Like. We. Used. To. Do.~~~~”

 

Chanwoo chuckles lowly at his friends’ antics. Great, now all of them are singing along off note. Right after the impromptu failed high note of Minho, they all laughing hard.

 

“Finally a smile.” It’s Donghyuk as he pats on Chanwoo’s back comfortingly. The laughter slowly ceases down and Chanwoo’s face is back on a gloom. Somebody sighs and he can tell who it is.

 

“I know that you’ve heard this a lot from us. But, can’t June just please stop acting like a douchebag when he is emo?”

 

“He has lots in his mind.” Chanwoo defends him from Minho’s accusation. “He’s remembering bad things nowadays.”

 

“So that’s enough reason to treat others around him like ghost?” It’s Minho again voice sounding hard and threatening. Like he is ready to punch the walls. “Especially you; his own boyfriend?”

 

Chanwoo has no answers.

 

“He is not the only one having a bad past you know? Everybody is struggling. In the past, present or just a thought of the uncertain future. He’s not the only one with burdens.” The sincere and real truth out from Jiwon. He is no longer a laughing sunshine minutes ago. His look is serious, emitting the ‘hyung’ vibes to people around him. Chanwoo won’t deny that despite the childish antics and all the smiles he’s giving, Jiwon is the matured one in their group, and this isn’t only referring to his age.

 

“Exactly. So he should stop being so hard on himself.” Donghyuk paused. “He should stop being so hard on you too, Chanwoo. You guys have been together for almost 3 years. If this is what he’s doing to you in such a short duration, can you imagine what will happen in the future?”

 

“What do you mean?” Chanwoo asks with slight fear residing in his heart. The concern and serious look in his friends’ faces isn’t helping him either.

 

“I mean…. how are you guys going to get married in the future if he’s like this?”

 

Chanwoo’s eyes widened. “Excuse me?! Marriage? What’s up with the sudden marriage thing, guys? It’s a long way to go!”

 

“Because it is a long way to go that you need to think about it.” Finally Yedam voiced out his thoughts. “It’s only been 2 years and a half but he’s isolating you like this whenever he’s down. And this is not the first time too, he did it TONS of times to you. What’s going to happen if you guys are married? Is he going to abandon you just like that while feeding his demons?”

 

For the first time, in their countless discussion about Chanwoo-June’s complicated love life, Chanwoo has no answer nor words to retort back.

 

And the others know they’ve made a right point.

 

 

 

Even after they’ve finished the study group, walking back to the dorm, June still hasn’t messaged Chanwoo.

 

While lying on the bed ready for sleep to take in, he messaged him first.

 

Chanu: Hey~ Are you asleep?

-12:45AM

 

He waits for 5 minutes but June isn’t replying. Not until the next 15 minutes.

 

June: Hey. Not yet

-1:02AM

 

Chanwoo’s heart skips a beat as he typed in next.

 

Chanu: I see

Chanu: Have you finished the topics?

 

June: Just half. Will wake up next early morning.

 

Chanu: I see

Chanu: Don’t worry

Chanu: Im sure you’ll make it.

 

June: Yeah

June: Can I help you with anything?

 

Chanwoo’s mood soured. There he is again with those things Chanwoo hates to read. It’s like June is thinking that Chanwoo only texts him because he needs something from him.

 

Chanu: Just want to check on you.

Chanu: Can’t I?

 

It takes another 5 minutes before the next reply comes from June.

 

Chanwoo wishes he would never see it though.

 

June: You don’t have to u know

 

Chanu: But I wanted to.

 

Chanwoo sends another one that he knows will ease June’s mind a bit; the things that is also a part of things June is always been insecure about.

 

Chanu: You’re not troubling me.

 

June: Ok

June: Suit yourself

 

Chanwoo releases a deep heavy sigh. The back of his eyes feel sting. He takes a moment to look around his dorm room; there is Jiwon, Minho and another roommate of his from Human Resources Course Jinwoo sleeping soundly on their beds. The room is dark but as he has been engulfed in one, he can see just fine.

 

Trying to think and be positive—maybe he’s too tired so he’s extra snappy tonight—Chanwoo types in another message.

 

Chanu: What are you doing right now?

Chanu: Are you going to sleep?

 

 

But June doesn’t reply him as he waits for almost an hour. Chanwoo cries himself to sleep again that night, because when he sends in ‘I love you, sweet dreams’ to June, the latter simply read his messages without any reply. So he hasn’t been sleeping, right? Why didn’t he reply me?

 

 

The next day during quiz and the 4 classes afterwards, June still won’t talk nor see him.

 

The next night, June still won’t reply to him.

 

 

Chanwoo is ambushed with newfound familiar sadness so he doesn’t text him again.

 

 

 

 

WHO SAID I DO NOT LOVE YOU?

I DO

I REALLY AM

BUT I’M TOO FRAGILE, TOO COWARD AND A FOOL.

BUT STILL I LOVE YOU.

 

 

2020

 

June looks up from his computer to all those piling up files on his desk. There is still new one coming up for him to submit before noon and his head at this point is on the verge of exploding into crisped macaroni. He can’t take this stress any longer.

 

Leaning his tired body further onto the chair, he makes a poor attempt to massage his shoulder, wanting the stiffness to be gone so he could work with less headache. Snapping out of his thoughts, he opens the lowest cabinet over his office, take the bottle of aspirin and pops two tablets into his awaiting mouth. Gulping the water given by his secretary, he lean back again and tries to relax. Closing his eyes for a good minute.

 

But then his phone dings loudly, indicating a message. Opening his eyes reluctantly he takes the phone into his hand, unlocking it and is met with a message from somebody he has been waiting for.

 

From: Daesungie hyung

Lunch in 20 mins or I’ll kick your .

 

June smirks haughtily reading the threat. “As if that would work.”

 

 

 

So he spends his lunch at the nearest restaurant along the office with 2 of his best seniors; Kang Daesung and the notorious Chief Director aka technically June’s own boss—Choi Seunghyun. But June knows best that the two aren’t exactly intimidating. They have been his companions, mentors and friends ever since he steps his foot into the company. They hang out a lot to be considered mere colleagues only.

 

“You don’t look so well nowadays.” Seunghyun nonchalantly points while putting the sushi inside his mouth. June’s eyebrows quirk up in admittance. “You need a girlfriend.”

 

June chuckles lowly at him. “Very funny, hyung.”

 

In mere seconds, the serious Choi Seunghyun turns tad childish. “But I’m serious! You’re such a workaholic. You need to loosen up.”

 

“What I really need is to just finish my lunch and get back to work.” Sassily without much effort June retorts back. “I’ve got a lot to handle.” He put in the sashimi in his mouth, while chewing he wonders why on earth do they get to eat sushi when there are other things they could eat? Typical Seunghyun and his choices of food.

 

Daesung who has been so quiet, too engulfed in his food, finally opens his mouth. “You can’t live alone by yourself, June-ah. Everybody needs somebody.” Worries could be heard in his voice. “Including you too.”

 

“How about I introduce you to some of my juniors back in college? I bet you’ll like them. The girls are hot.” Seunghyun smirks knowingly to the youngest. “You know the drill; go out for dinner, talk rubbish, get drunk then—“

 

“Hyung.” It’s obvious by the tone June is not pleased in the conversation. He looks up to both his seniors. “For the last time, please don’t. I don’t need anyone and I’m doing alright.” He stands up abruptly, taking both Daesung and Seunghyun surprised. Feebly smiling as if he’s alright, he bows slightly. “Thank you for the meal. I’ll get going first. Need to prepare for the meeting.” And June walks away from the restaurant, not turning back even once.

 

Daesung sighs in disappointment, as he throws the chopstick to an alarming Seunghyun. Face contorts in anger. “Look what you have done, hyung! I’ve told you not to talk about it.” But Seunghyun can only shrug his shoulders, not knowing what could be so wrong talking about ‘love life’ with June.

 

Well, but that is the wrong thing talking about ‘love live’. Because it’s June, who’s heart is still in grief and heartbroken.

 

 

 

 

He is on another over-time that night—over-time in June’s own will at that—when his phone blares out with triple messages. Gazing his eyes on the black slick device, he takes it and opens the messages. Surprised to see the sender as his body jerked heavily forward. If it isn’t because of the chair he’s holding as a support, June would have stumbled to the floor.

 

Hoony HOON: What’s up bro? How are you doing, June-ah? Been a long time since we talk. I hope you’re doing well though.

Hoony HOON: Hey are you busy this weekend? Minho and the rest thought it’s a good opportunity for a reunion. Been almost 2 years since we last completed! Last year we don’t even get to see each other.

Hoony HOON: Do reply me asap if you can make it June! Everyone is thrilled to see you again~

 

“What a liar. Not everyone would be thrilled for sure.” June forces a bitter smile on his face. He replies to Seunghoon fast, with each letters his fingers tremble. He taps on ‘send’ and hope for the best as he leans on the leather chair.

 

It’s not over 2 minutes when the reply came and June’s heart swells with unknown emotions as he read them.

 

June: If everyone you meant…

June: Will Chanu be there?

 

Hoony HOON: Yep. He’ll be there.

Hoony HOON: Plus he got some surprised for all of us too.

 

June wonders what could the surprise be.

 

 

 

 

HOW CAN YOU LOVE WHEN YOU HURT?

IS THAT EVEN LOVE?

 

2018

 

When the mid-year test’s results are out, everybody show different reaction. Some are sad, some are pleased, some just don’t care about it at all. Not even glancing twice to the board before walking off goofily chatting about parties or hang out or stuff that screams fun.

 

And Chanwoo’s friends are exactly the last type.

 

It’s not like all of his friends are an idiot or a genius. But they are on average, and they prefer it that way. Standing in between failure and excellent is something that tends not to have any unnecessary worries. They are grateful enough for what they get.

 

Yet Chanwoo is a different story.

 

He’s one of the smartest in the class; it’s obvious by all the high marks he obtained in all tests and assignments. But whenever he flops—even just a few grade, he’ll be depressed. It’s always hard to get him back on his feet when it comes to that.

 

Everybody tells him to cheer up, that it will be okay. Failure now doesn’t mean failure forever. Even his parents tell him the same thing. But the effect is different when it’s June telling him that. Whenever June comforts him, in whatever ways; from telling jokes to comforting words, Chanwoo will be back on is feet in no time. That’s how magical June is to Chanwoo, and how much Chanwoo relies on the former.

 

But because now, June is still unfortunately not in his usual ‘mood’, there’s no way he can comfort a broken spirit Chanwoo. And Chanwoo is left alone on his own thoughts, the demons in him clawing at his reasoning, making him sick and sad.

 

It’s night time when Chanwoo tries to send a message to June, but with every words he types, he erases them back. It keeps happening with no end result.

 

­__What are you doing?__ erase

­__Have you eaten?__ erase

__Can I talk to you about something?__ erase

 

Chanwoo is sitting by the stairs in the emergency exit of the dorms, as he cried his eyes out again. He misses June badly, he needs him. It’s been weeks since they last spoke, last chat, last seen each other properly. He misses him so much.

 

But June does not miss him.

 

__Are you perhaps thinking about me like how I’m thinking about you?

Are you missing me like how I’m missing you?_

 

 

Chanwoo erases them again.

 

 

 

-

 

June lies down on his bed, eyes staring emptily at the ceiling. His mind is a mess, his soul is tainted. His whole existence is so messy. The voices at the back of his head are screaming louder and louder everyday. He couldn’t suppressed them any longer; no matter how much he indulged himself with studies, doing any works or stuff or exercising, he can’t get them to shut up.

 

You’re a failure

 

You’re a mess

 

You are useless

 

Nobody could ever accept you

 

YOU ARE A BURDEN.

 

No I am not……

 

He closes his eyes, longer this time but sleep won’t come. The voices won’t go away………….

 

His phone vibrates at that moment. He lifts it up from the table, opening up to a message.

 

 

Chanu: Hey. Are you asleep?

Chanu: Am I disturbing you?

 

 

June is about to type when a violent shivers run down his spine. The particular voice halts his entire movement.

 

You are nothing but a burden. Nothing.

 

June closes his eyes again, the phone is lying on his stomach. The message from Chanwoo is long forgotten.

 

 

 

Chanwoo waits all night for June’s reply.

 

Only to find himself falling asleep on his bed with tears on his face.

 

I miss you so much it’s killing me.

 

 

You said you will always be there for me

 

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