CHANWOO’s POV

“Stop crying now.” Jinhwan hyung comforts me. “It’s alright. Everything will be just fine.” He has said for millions of time while applying soothing circles over my back, I’m hunching my body as I sit on hyung’s bed in his bedroom. We’re both discussing things in here after he has brought me all along from the building to our dorm.

If it isn’t because of Jinhwan hyung, I might have ran away. I do think about it occasionally when I feel the guilt is too much for me to handle. Even though hyung keeps telling me I have no fault in this, for me it would be more selfish if I see it that way. How can it not be my fault when the problem centered around me? It doesn’t make sense; at least for me.

I wipe my tears over my face by the tissues he has gave me and hyung promises to make me something light to eat to ease me. But there’s not much of an ingredient in downstairs’ dorm so we move out towards upstairs. Just when I punch in the code and open the door with Jinhwan hyung tailing behind me, we see Hanbin hyung and Yunhyeong hyung right before us. It seems like they have just arrived as well because Yunhyeong hyung is still struggling with his sneakers.

My eyes landed on Hanbin hyung’s who is standing few meters away from me. I can see the way he looks at me and it makes my heart drops to my stomach. His face is slightly flushed but I won’t say it’s because of the weather—it’s not cold nor warm outside right now. His face instantly drops down the minute our gazes locked and he takes his steps away from the place, leaving only the three of us in the doorway.

The tears gathering back in my lids. I let my head falls down to my feet, didn’t react at all when Yunhyeong hyung has his hand over my shoulder comforting me. It hurts me to know Hanbin hyung hates me now.

It hurts to know because of my sacrifice, the blame is put on me. Doesn’t he even know how tormented I am to see both of them fading away from each other???

I come down to the small clearing area nearby our apartment complex. It takes me 10 minutes alone waiting by the stone bench before Bobby hyung comes along. I take a look at him only to notice what a mess he looks like. His hair falls down everywhere; disheveled and messy. His face all pale with the dark circles obviously seen under his eyes. My heart sinks once again, it hurts me terribly to see him like this.

“Hey.” He greets me but it sounds so tired. I can’t help but to feel worry. “Hyung, are you okay?”

“I’m alright.” He answers. “Just a bit…. Off. Maybe.” He continues as he sits beside me and we are engulfed in the silence of the night. No words been said for an eternity. Until, I feel his eyes boring a hole onto me. I don’t even have to face him to know it. “You don’t look that well either, Chanumon.” There he goes again, the pet name he loves to give me among the rests he created. I sigh silently, knowing this will drag me down badly.

“Not a good day.” Bobby hyung chuckles to my words. “Not a good one for all of us.” He refers to what happened in the practice room earlier this day.

“Can you tell me….” I feel hesitant to ask, especially when he looks so sad. But I gulp all the insecurity in me and ask nonetheless. “Why did you have a fight with Hanbin hyung?”

I wonder if my question is that funny because Bobby hyung is chuckling yet again. Now my frown grows bigger as I look at him incredulously. He must be kidding me, right?

The night is getting colder, and our hot breath is creating vapor in the air when we start opening our mouth. “Tell me …. How long are you going to act all dumb when you’ve known everything?” My heartbeat skips a beat, my breath hitched. I’m sure my eyes widen even without my permission. My façade is breaking down, the veil no longer giving me protection. But much peculiar it is, Bobby hyung is the only one that could see through the veil. How did he do it, I don’t even know how. But I hate it, I hate it to look so vulnerable.

Especially when the situation is killing me. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Of course you don’t.” He said. Another heavy sigh out from his mouth. “How I wish you really don’t know anything. But I guess that would only make it much hurtful.”

Another hitch to my breath, I feel a sudden urge of adrenaline shooting through me. My eyes feel stinging and nose all itchy. I don’t hold back the anger surging in me when he said those words. So I bite back, this time I’M the one pulling the veil down. “No hyung. Knowing it all is much more painful and torturing than not knowing anything.”

Bobby hyung’s eyes grow wide an inch, his lips slightly parted. Only then I realize he has been trying to hold back his tears. But somehow after hearing what I said, the edge of his eyes turn much redder. His nose looks like a shade of tomatoes and I hear a sniff coming out from him. I am taken aback, but not regretting what I’ve said.

I don’t know how long has it been since we have both fallen into another silence but it takes so much time for me to hear Bobby hyung humming positively. He nods his head, eyes this time on the ground before him. Then he suddenly stands up, both hands inside his jeans’ pockets and he turns towards me.

I see him crying, and I start to tear up as well. “Then you do know how I feel all these times.” He croaks out and I nod my head. “You must have known how much I want you badly.” I nod again.

He chokes on his tears. “Then you out of everybody will understand if I want it all to stop.” I shut both my eyes, my turn to choke on the sobs. I couldn’t open them again, unable to see those tears cascading down his flawless skin. I just can’t. “I—I can’t do this anymore, Chanwoo. I can’t be selfish too. I’m sorry, for everything maknae.” And I hear he left, his footsteps paddling through the pavement stones, echoing through my ears. I only open my eyes when he is no longer standing before me.

I cry and sob loudly only when I’m alone.

BOBBY’s POV

And when I get to my dorm, I see Jinhwan hyung, Donghyukkie and even June standing worriedly by the living room. But I didn’t even give them a glance, I don’t want them to see me crying. I walk hastily to my room, passing by a very worried Donghyukkie who tries to grab my arm only for me to yank back forcefully. I enter my room and lock the door, lie down on my bed without even taking off my jacket.

My heart burns so much and the pain is killing me. I cry with an arm covering my eyes, I don’t want to cry, but I can’t stop the tears now. I can’t stop hurting Chanwoo.

I can’t stop anything, including my dying love for him.

CHANWOO’s POV

I keep on whimpering and sobbing loudly inside the solitude of my room. The pain is too much, and the confusion is what I hope I would feel because at least I won’t know if anything is definite. Even if the pondering and confusion stay making me insane thinking about all the possibilities, I wouldn’t know the reality to the answer.

But now I know; and I wish I wouldn’t. Yet, I can’t turn back the time. I can’t make Bobby hyung stop saying what he had said earlier. I can’t stop him if he wants to stop wanting me either. I can’t do anything anymore.

So I cry, not because he doesn’t want me anymore; I know how much he wants me, just like how I want him. But because I know he’s backing away for me. He wants me to choose, between him or Hanbin hyung. But if there’s one thing that Bobby hyung won’t know is that I can’t choose. Because I just couldn’t.

I can’t destroy them anymore, it’s something I don’t have a heart to do, ever.

So I cry harder, knowing there will be no way out. I didn’t even realize when did Hanbin hyung enter my room, hushing me comforts and hugging me close to him until I fall asleep in my tears.

I can’t do anything about anything anymore.

HANBIN’s POV

I was awake by myself and the first thing I see is Chanwoo’s sleeping face before me. I smile softly, feeling the warm creeping up inside my heart, then it travels to my hand when I his cheek lightly; light enough not to wake him up. I don’t want to disturb his sleep for today, he had enough from last night; crying until he passes out.

My heart swells with so much happiness, yet it pains badly at the same time. I am happy because I have him in my arms now, we are in his bed, our limbs tangled together and bodies pressed to each other. This is a bliss; a heaven to me. But I can’t be happy because this is a purgatory to Chanwoo. That’s why my heart pained so badly.

I knew of what Bobby had done, and I can’t say I’m happy nor thankful. To be honest with, I am sad as much as both of them are. I know how much Bobby hyung loves Chanwoo, and how much Chanwoo loves him too. To learn how they have to let go of each other makes me panting in anxiousness last night. My chest tightens as I wait for Chanwoo to come up so that I can see him and tell him everything is going to be fine although it has never crossed my mind Bobby hyung would do this. But why? I don’t know, and I can’t even think of the reason why.

Only the thing I know is that it’s killing both of them. So much.

My chest feels like bursting when I hold Chanwoo in my arms last night, I sneak into his room to see him huddling up in a fetal position on his bed, he still has his jacket on that time. It must have been so overwhelmingly sad for him to even notice he still has the thick fabric wrapped around his body. I know I shouldn’t take advantage but I can’t possibly just get into my room and sleep away in the middle of the maknae’s frantic sobs and wails, am I? So I come closer to him, and he clearly doesn’t even notice my presence. I wrap my arms around him, he doesn’t protest. In fact, he pulls me closer and he cries over my shoulder. My heart cries along to his tears.

When he passes out in his sleep, I haven’t let myself be overtaken by it yet. I keep watching him, holding him tight to so that when he wakes up he will know that he is not alone. That I am here for him no matter what. And that’s what I’m doing right now.

My eyes linger on every perfect aspects of his face. From his nicely sculptured eyebrows to his lidded eyes. His sharp and high nose, his slightly sunken cheeks thanks to the countless diet he does to get it slim. His jawline and his thin lips. They are mesmerizing me. I can’t stop myself from leaning closer to his luscious lips. That’s when the room’s door swinging open and Jinhwan hyung enters. I see him stops a second over the frame, eyes widen watching us two on the bed. But he regains his composure rather quickly and storms to me.

He yanks me away from Chanwoo while successfully making the maknae wakes up unfavorably. Before neither me nor Chanwoo could react, Jinhwan hyung—with his monstrous strength I never doubted he keeps under all those tiny bones, pulls me to the door, outside and far from Chanwoo and a much bewildered Yunhyeong hyung. I can’t get away from the mathyung until he let me go. Only for my to fall flat onto the floor of our apartment’s corridor.

I am all ready to lash out at him, but I bite down the words when I see the looks in his eyes. God, trust me if looks can kill, I would be slaughtered, cut into pieces, burnt into a crisp and be fed to the dogs. That’s how scary and malevolence Jinhwan hyung’s gaze is.

"Are you ing insane?!” He yells, as loud as he hit all the high notes in vocal class. And trust me, now is not the time to be amazed, Kim Hanbin. It’s time to be scared. “Do you even know what the hell is happening right now?! HUH?!”

I wonder if we would be taken to a police station if Jinhwan hyung continues on screaming like this. The thought creeps me out. As I extends both my arms out to calm him down, I try my best to be as calm as possible myself. “Jinhwan hyung, calm down. Let me expla—“

“Explain WHAT?! At how an idiot you are?! Huh?! I have enough of you Kim Hanbin! My patience is running thin and I can’t stand you anymore!

I gasp loudly. “What the ing hell did I do?! I didn’t do anything!”

Jinhwan hyung scoffs. “Oh really?! Whoa… you’re amazing.” I don’t know what’s he talking about. “I thought you’re a fair leader, but I guess nobody is perfect in everything right? You’re just a douchebag when it comes to this.”

I gape in disbelief as Jinhwan hyung points his finger to his own head, claiming me to be what? An idiot? Wow. “Okay, knock it off with the nonsense speculation okay? And can you please tell me what is wrong right now until you have to drag me out like a dog?!”

“Oh you don’t know? I bet you do if not, you won’t try to use maknae like how you’re doing now!”

I don’t even realize we’re at each other’s throat by now. “I am not using him! What the hell Jinan hyung?!”

“SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU!” A loud shout from Yunhyeong hyung startled us both. Our eyes met his raging one as he stands by the apartment’s door. He is huffing up and down like he had just run a marathon. His red face is enough to show how angry he is, which no one of us have ever seen before. Because Yunhyeong hyung has never been angry. “This is not the time to yell at each other!”

I find my voice died down in my throat the moment he screamed. Damn, and here I thought Donghyukkie is damn scary. Guess all of us are wrong. An angry Song Yoonhyung is terrifying until I’m losing my . My eyes glaze over to Jinhwan hyung who seems as startled as I am.

“First, I am not taking advantage on him.” I clear it out after Yunhyeong hyung asks me to get up. “I am only trying to help. He’s a real mess last night, Jinan hyung. You guys should have seen how a wreck he is.”

“No kidding. I guess we can say the same for the other one downstairs.” My ears pricked up hearing that. One beat of my heart skipped painfully. “Is Jiwon hyung okay?”

Automatically, Jinhwan hyung’s expression soften hearing my question. The mathyung sighs loudly, both hands over his tiny waist. “I don’t even know if ‘bad’ is enough to describe how he is. He’s….. beyond words.” A pang to my heart hearing that. “He hasn’t come out from his room since last night and Donghyukkie keeps hearing him crying. I don’t know how to help him. He’s a mess.”

I nod understandingly. “I can say the same with Chanwoo.”

“Did he say anything to you last night?” Yunhyeong hyung asks after much silence. I see the worries in his eyes. But I have no answer to him as I shake my head.

“The only thing he did last night was cry and cry and cry until he passed out in my arms. He was not doing well.” Everybody including me sigh. “Where is he, hyung?”

“I ask him to take a shower.” Yunhyeong hyung utters. “At least he doesn’t need to hear both of you shouting like mad men. It’s the last thi