#3: Love Is When I'm Lost ~ Part 1

The Bona Fide Tales of Choco-Ball~ [OT7 + Chanwoo] (CLOSED)
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Hello to all! I'm truthfully sorry for not updating in time. It's because of the last two week, my aunt had just passed away and the last week and until today, I'm busy with the preparation to enter University. I'm going this 12/6 and yeah, maybe starting on that date I won't be actively wriitng anymore. But don't worry, I will at least finish the prompt and we got only another 1! Woot! Yeah xD haha should I be excited or not? ^^'

The truth is that besides from the busy schedules I have, I'm a bit under stress. Yeah, that's one of the reasons why this one finished up so late and I got to apologize to eemmlly first for 1-how late it's took for me to update and 2-I'm am extremely very sorry if this doesn't turn out to be like what you wanted. T.T I hope you will understand though. But I tried my best to follow your request. :)

 

##Really Long ... =="

 

 

 

 

The only thing that Chanwoo wants is for him and Hanbin to be real; not to faking up on everything around everyone. And when the time comes for him to finally see the truth, Chanwoo wonders if he can accept it all and embrace the reality that his love life is not like how he thought it is supposed to be.

 

- eemmlly

 

 

 

 

Chanwoo is waiting patiently for a certain someone from the side of the road. The neighborhood is quiet like usual, lack of noises to spoil the day he thinks. He is having a quite good time while waiting, eyes looking around the places watching the trees and birds flying high in the blue sky above. The sun is hiding behind the clouds for today but it doesn’t mean that the white fluffy cottons can hinder the power of its light to blind the Earth.

 

School will be starting in about 30 minutes from now and if he takes the bus from here, it would save him approximately 15 minutes of time. That is only if he really moves right now but Chanwoo just doesn’t want that. He waits instead, and decides to take a walk to school with a special somebody despite the nagging thoughts at the back of his mind screaming at him telling that he’s so going to be late.

 

Yet he still waits, and thankfully today that said person doesn’t take that long to get ready. Perhaps he wakes up early this morning. Chanwoo has his head lifted up from watching intently with lack of interest at how his leg sways to left and right playing with the pebbles on the tar road when his name is being called by someone. He beams brightly when Hanbin comes into his view as he watches the older walks down the thousands staircase to get to him.

 

“How long have you been waiting for me?” The older asks as soon as his feet stomps down from the stone staircase. He has somewhat a radiant smile today, his uniform is tucked in neatly and the jacket covering his white shirt looks exceptionally tidy. He must have washed them before.

 

“Not that long, hyung. It’s just for 20 minutes.” Chanwoo nonchalantly says to Hanbin who is already gaping out in disbelief at the younger. A slight guilt written on his face and somehow Chanwoo feels happy that at least the older cares about him.

 

“You wait that long? Then why won’t you just go first? You could have been late!” Hanbin scolds him a bit but like always, Chanwoo doesn’t care. He doesn’t even hear it as his eyes and all his attention are on Hanbin’s necktie that is not tied properly around his neck. It’s hanging a bit lower than the collar level and Chanwoo doesn’t think twice before he reaches his hands to Hanbin’s collar and fixes it expertly with his big and slim fingers. The action makes Hanbin stops nagging entirely as he looks at what the younger is doing to his necktie.

 

When Chanwoo is done, he takes a step back to look at Hanbin in the eyes and gives him the one and only smile that he reserved solely for the older. “There, now you look smart like always.”

 

Hanbin can’t help but to erase the frown and anger from his face and takes the younger in his arms. Chanwoo stays in Hanbin’s embrace for a few seconds before the older breaks the hug only for him to stretch his neck a bit –Chanwoo is a few inches taller than him and is still growing taller everyday– and give a peck to the younger’s lips. Their lips stay for only a split millisecond but the feelings poured in that one kiss could extend their lifetimes by another 10 years.

 

After the much skin ship, the two finally walk to the road ditching the solace staircases in between houses. They hold hands and walk while talking about everything and anything that comes into their minds. Chanwoo can’t help but to feel the happiness in his heart just by spending some time with his boyfriend even if it’s just for a less than 30 minutes. They are taking their leisure time instead of rushing since there is still another 20 minutes before the gate will be closed.

 

They eventually reach the school in time but right after the tall building is in sight, the heat in Chanwoo’s hold is gone replaced by the coldness of the wind hitting his palm. Hanbin is still walking beside him although his hands are gripping his school bag instead of Chanwoo’s hand. But the younger is not surprised at all, because it has always been like this. Has always been because this is how it should be and he is not sad. Not that sad at all.

 

The more they walk, the more students are seen crowding the area before the school’s entrance. Chanwoo tries to keep up with Hanbin’s pace and when they have passed the gate, Hanbin gives the younger a light pat on his shoulder saying that he will see him soon at the cafeteria before he walks away towards his class. Chanwoo doesn’t even have a chance to say goodbye ….

 

 

 

 

 

 

The first class is done, now he is up to the second one but Chanwoo found out that all of his energy has already gone by the 2 hours straight of Korean Language session. The next one is History and he is certain that he is going to suffer from extreme boredom and tiresome.

 

The teacher is late again –probably she runs into a few girls with their skirts too short or too much make up on their faces; yeah this one teacher is very strict and girls are not that fond of her with all the lectures and scolding– thus it gives Chanwoo more than enough time to relax his stiff muscles. He stretches his body a bit before turning around to meet his friends sitting behind him.

 

Junhoe has his head on the table already, perhaps taking the golden opportunity to catch on some sleep he has been losing last night on games. Meanwhile, it’s a whole different story for Donghyuk who is sitting beside Junhoe. Chanwoo sees the latter with the History textbook in front of him and a notebook on the top of it. He uses the book to scribble on some notes that he has read before the lesson starts to refresh his mind. As expected from the genius, excellent and hardworking Kim Donghyuk.

 

But when Chanwoo turns to face the two, Donghyuk lifts his head up from the textbook nonetheless and gives his full attention to him. The warm smile etched on his face brings a little comfort to Chanwoo’s uneasy heart, “You look slightly down this morning.” Donghyuk says to him. There is a slight glint of worries flashed in his orbs Chanwoo notices.

 

“Nah, I’m just … tired.” Chanwoo answers briefly though the little pause seems suspicious to Donghyuk. The smile on his face earlier fades away replaced with a mild frown. “Is there something wrong? You seem troubled today.”

 

Donghyuk looks really worried already. The textbook, notes and all the concentration he summoned earlier to get ready for the History class is gone, vaporizes into the thin air. Chanwoo seems reluctant to tell him but he knows that somehow he needs to let it all out or else he would be getting sick. But there is just something stopping him from saying his concern out to Donghyuk. He can’t find the right words to explain what is it.

 

“It’s about your freaking boyfriend again, right?” Junhoe unexpectedly voices out when they thought that he is sleeping. The two have their eyes grow wider hearing him. Although that there are not much students hanging around their tables, Junhoe should be more attentive not to spurt out the word carelessly. It only ends up with him receiving a hit on the back of his head by Donghyuk who is equally exasperated as Chanwoo before them. Junhoe sits up straight afterwards with hands rubbing the throbbing pain away.

 

“Ow, what was that for?!” He yells at Donghyuk who is not even a tad bit scared at him. It only makes the latter more pissed than the usual and with a glare Junhoe shuts up.

 

“That is for your idiocy, you idiot. Go on, say it even louder so that everyone can hear it. If it’s not loud enough, I can give you a microphone if you want to.” The way Donghyuk says it calmly with venom and sarcasm in his voice makes Chanwoo let out a chuckles in amazement watching the two quarrelling like 5 years old. It has never failed to crack him up whenever he sees Junhoe acting like his usual diva-self only to be smacked or scolded by Donghyuk until he shuts up. His not-so-quiet-enough chuckles grab Junhoe’s attention as the latter scowls at him hard.

 

“Yeah, keep laughing. I’ll burn your eyelids next.” Chanwoo stops at that but the smile is still there on his face. Junhoe does sound cruel but Chanwoo knows that he doesn’t even mean it. Not at all.

 

“But it’s true, right? You are thinking about that person.” Junhoe throws the question intentionally pressing on the word to annoy Donghyuk adding with the rolling of his eyes. His words bring the solemn air once again to the room. Chanwoo doesn’t give his answer, he just keeps silent instead while eyes roaming to Donghyuk’s textbook. Not like he’s reading it or something.

 

“So it is true then? It’s about him all along.” Chanwoo gives a faint nod to Donghyuk’s question. Suddenly he feels like his mouth is filled with rocks that he can’t get it open to say a word. Sighs excape from both of his best friends; Donghyuk being the loudest. He closes the books back before letting his outmost attention drops on Chanwoo. The flashes of worries become more evident by now when his eyes stare at him with concern. “What happened, Chanwoo?” Donghyuk asks.

 

“Nothing. It’s just …... I feel kind of sad.” He says, adding much frown to Donghyuk and Junhoe who is listening to him very tentatively. When Donghyuk asks why would he feel that way, Chanwoo just shakes his head with thousands creases on his forehead and unreadable emotions clouding his orbs.

 

“You are sad because he still doesn’t want to hold your hand in public?” Junhoe spurts out nonchalantly and it catches Chanwoo off guard. His already big eyes are getting bigger than how it’s supposed to be and he is gaping out in disbelief.

 

“H-how did you—”

 

“I saw it this morning and for your information, I was right behind both of you.” Junhoe says then the serious expression of his becomes a derisive one with smirk adorning his handsome features, a sickening one that not many fond of it. “But seriously, to think that it has been almost a year both of you together, he is still being an not wanting to let everyone knows about you and him. What a serious he is.” The curse word coming out from Junhoe has Chanwoo’s eye twitches a bit. He has never liked it whenever Junhoe says something bad about his boyfriend no matter how Hanbin has never hold his hand in front of others or talks about him to his friends or never even acts like his boyfriend whenever they are in public. It never happened; not even once. But Chanwoo still hates it whenever Junhoe starts cursing on the older.

 

But he can’t be mad at Junhoe, or Donghyuk too–he knows that sometimes when Chanwoo is not around, Donghyuk would talk bad about Hanbin using all the curse words he knows and as a record, those cursing words are even much worse than Junhoe’s– because Chanwoo knows that the two meant well. That they love him as much as Chanwoo loves them.

 

And he can’t blame them though, because they have enough right to get angry. He also has enough right to get angry too at how idiot his boyfriend is for hiding their relationship from others around them. It’s suffocating for Chanwoo and there would come a few times where he would think like this; is Hanbin really loves him? Or he is just playing with his feelings?

 

He feels like a prisoner being prisoned between walks of deception and lies. It’s like he is the one who loves but never been loved.

 

Hanbin makes him feel like a toy somehow.

 

But still, with all the dark thoughts terrorizing his mind at times, Chanwoo doesn’t hate him. Can never and probably would never. Because he loves Hanbin so much that even the thorns feel like the clouds. And this is why he is always scolded by his friends, because he is too kind for his own good but fool enough to be played.

 

Is he really a fool?

 

“Why don’t you try to talk it out with him, Chanwoo? Maybe he would listen to you.” Donghyuk suggests, at the same time breaking his train of thoughts.

 

“I-I don’t know if he will listen or not. And I’m afraid he would be mad. He was so angry back then when I told him that.” Chanwoo says remembering what happened last Winter when he tried to make Hanbin understood that he didn’t want them to hide anymore. He could still recall how angry the older was at that time that he refused to talk with Chanwoo for a week. Since then, Chanwoo has never asked him about that.

 

“Then let me talk to him.” Junhoe gives his opinion only to meet up with a panic Chanwoo.

 

“What? No! Don’t do that!” His voice is a bit notch high that it catches a few attentions from his classmates. “If you do that, he will be mad than he is before. I don’t want to upset him.”

 

“So it’s okay then if he is the one upsetting you? Are you seriously telling me this?” Now Junhoe is boiling in anger. Something that Chanwoo doesn’t like to see. An angry Junhoe has never bring a good solution. Not to anyone, not to anything.

 

“No, I don’t mean it that way. I’m just—”

 

“You know what,” Junhoe cuts Chanwoo off abruptly. He takes a stand in a not so gentle way that the chair screeches on the floor grabbing the classroom’s whole attention to their tables. Oh dear God, it’s time for the diva on roll again. “You are being so stupid that I am done with your . Just don’t come to me again crying just because you feel so worthless or anything.” With that, Junhoe walks away heading to the door. Even the shout from their class monitor couldn’t bring him back.

 

“That’s okay, Chanwoo. He’s on his usual ‘period’ again. You know it right?” Donghyuk tries to soothe the upset and guilty-ridden Chanwoo who can only watch Junhoe leaving the classroom with sad eyes. His words somehow feel stinging in his heart.

 

Maybe it’s true; he is stupid.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Too many thoughts breaking through his brain and mind at the moment. The meal in front of him is left untouched. He let the chopsticks in his hand plays with the food but never did the rice and hotdogs enter his mouth. The loud and noisy cafeteria only adding up his distress but thankfully he manages to keep his composure well or else he would explode for sure.

 

The already unmanageable noises on the table he is sitting right now is quite enough to snap his nerves though. It’s currently lunch time and like promised, he is eating together with Hanbin and the older other 5 dearest best friends; Kim Jinhwan, Kim Jiwon or known as Bobby as his alias name, Lee Seunghoon, Kang Seungyoon and the loudest plus the ridiculous ever Song Mino. In fact, all of them –including Hanbin– are seniors. Chanwoo is the only eleventh-grader in the circle of the twelfth-grader.

 

They talk about everything and by the meaning of everything is practically, everything. Bobby at first talks about the cool younger looking new teacher that is assigned for his music class today and how she looks so hot and pretty. Then the conversation changes to Seungyoon out of sudden admiring his own new abs that he has been working out for months and abruptly challenging Bobby for some ridiculous match that Chanwoo doesn’t even understand. After that, God knows since when does it starts the conversation changes into a drinking challenge between Mino and Seunghoon on who can drink the coke in only one gulp. The next details are not needed to be told; they are one very ridiculous bunch after all.

 

If it’s on a normal occasion, Chanwoo would just smile and throw some of his quiet laughter but not today, since today is not a normal one. It falls into the abnormal one; in which he can’t stop thinking about his secret relationship with Hanbin. Like the own word ‘secret’, not even one of the older best friends in the circle knows about them. That just prove how secretive they are. Hanbin is the one making sure that nobody would know for some reason that is absolutely rubbish in Chanwoo’s opinion.

 

 

‘They won’t understand us, Chanwoo. It’s difficult for anyone to understand what we have right now.’

 

 

That is what Hanbin told to him whenever he asks him about it. But when he thinks about it again, what could be so hard to be understood? They are in a relationship; okay, so that’s it. Just tell them that. It’s not that hard in his own point of view. And besides, Chanwoo is certain that they are not the only abnormal couple in this whole school. He is deadly certain that the twelfth-grader seniors in Science Economic Class are dating each other and the two are boys. So what could be so abnormal of Hanbin and him if there are also some like them?

 

Perhaps Hanbin is embarrassed. But why would he? Why would he feel that way if he loves him? If embarrassment is what he feels towards their relationship, then why did he accept Chanwoo’s confession back then? It’s not like he can’t say no to him. That is what has been bugging his head since then.

 

No one takes notice of it but Chanwoo has his eyes on Hanbin’s left hand that is sitting still on his lap. For some unknown reason, his body is moving by itself without any impulses given by the nerves from his brain. In no time his right hand lefts the chopsticks on the tray and moves below the table to reach Hanbin’s hand. He has a big hand but it’s smaller than Hanbin’s thus he let his small digits linger for a while on the back of Hanbin’s hand invisibly before it squirms its way into Hanbin’s palm fast like a snake squirming on the ground.

 

Chanwoo feels the older hand twitches for a second before he snaps it away from him. Hanbin quickly averts his attention to him and Chanwoo would be lying if he says he doesn’t notice the surprise and distaste in Hanbin’s eyes towards him. It makes his breath hitches and all the nerves in his body stops moving. This is the first time he sees such emotions in Hanbin’s eyes that is staring coldly at him as if …. as if Chanwoo is just another stranger.

 

It doesn’t take long for Hanbin to recover from his little shock. But there is no smile on his face and the distasteful in his eyes stay unwashed away. Hanbin clenches his teeth tightly probably trying not to explode or anything before he puts his left hand on the table instead on his lap. In a swift of two seconds he utters to Chanwoo, “Don’t do that” and his attention is back on the group once again with smile returning to his face.

 

Chanwoo doesn’t know what to feel or what to make himself able to feel anymore. But one thing that he knows for sure is only this; he is not happy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

=== 1 message(s) from unknown number ===

 

Chanu-ah, it’s hyung here. I’m borrowing my friend’s phone since mine is out of battery. T.T

Are you sleeping already? I hope not. XD I’m telling you that I’ll be back from the camp tomorrow morning. Hopefully I can get to home in the evening. So, make sure to tell mum about this okay? Good boy. ;*

Anyway, how is school today? Are you alright? I miss you, a week not meeting you and your cute face makes me feel sad. T^T Well, not that sad actually. XP

Tell dad that I’m coming back with Jinwoo hyung. I’ll see you tomorrow dongsaeng-ah~ Love you! Muah muah!! ^^

 

 

It’s a long message he can say but the shortest in the month so far. Well, it doesn’t matter though. He practically doesn’t care about it, doesn’t even bother to reply to the sender and the phone now ends up on the carpet in the room while he is lying tiredly on his bed facing the ceiling above. The homework is long forgotten on the table.

 

He feels a bit dispirit and probably sadness defines his mood well right now. Confusion sums it all faultlessly. He keeps staring at the Bigbang’s poster on the ceiling of his room while the image of Hanbin looking at him with such a cold eyes this afternoon is embedded deeply in his mind, repeatedly playing like a broken tape. It’s one of the dreadful images that he can never be able to erase.

 

His heart sinks to his stomach whenever the words that Hanbin said to him ringing through his ears. “Don’t do that”. Perfect. Simple and easy to understand. It makes Chanwoo having the urge to text either Donghyuk or Junhoe to tell them that talking to his boyfriend would be a waste of a time. Because after what has happened today, it is crystal clear that Hanbin won’t let their relationship be known to the public. If he is acting that way when they are surrounded by even his best friends; the best out of the best of his friends, what would be his reaction when it’s around the other students in the hallway? People in the streets? Their parents? Definitely it will never happen.

 

Tears are burning through his eyelids when he thinks about it. Chanwoo feels tired already. It’s not like he wants the whole world to know about them; no, he would be freaking out too if that happens. It just that he doesn’t want to hide anymore whenever they are around their friends and families; the people whom they trust and love, who shares the same bond with them.

 

Faking and pretending to be friends when you are more than that is tiring. Chanwoo knows it, it has been almost a year since the first time he struggles to keep a straight face whenever he sees some random students flirting around with his boyfriend. It irritates him that he can’t step up and shove his face to those girls saying, “Back off, he’s my boyfriend.” And it’s infuriating him further that he has to hide, annoyed him to the fullest when Hanbin is the one claiming to others that they are just friends. That Chanwoo is just his dearest little brother and cute maknae. Why can’t he just tell the truth? Why would he feels embarrassed about their relationship?

 

Why would love be this hurting?

 

A ring from his phone startles him. When Chanwoo dives down from the bed and takes it, he sees a new message from none other than the subject of his mess; Kim Hanbin. Anger, disappointment and sadness are taking over him but Chanwoo just doesn’t have the heart to ignore the older message thus he opens it nonetheless. Biting the inside of his cheeks he reads it silently taking in the meaning of the message.

 

 

=== 1 message(s) from Hanbinnie Hyung~ ===

 

Annyeong Chanwoo. Have you fall asleep already? Or not?

Chanwoo-ah, I want to say sorry for what happened at the cafeteria today. I don’t know what happened to me. Maybe it’s because I got too caught up with Bobby and Mino hyung’s story that I got too excited until I didn’t realize you were there with me.

I want you to know that I’m sorry. I will repay back what happened today. Tomorrow I will come to your house and we can go to school together. Guess what? We can hold hands all the way from your house to the school. Okay, Chanumon?

 

 

It’s purely unintentional that he scoffs reading the ‘holding hands until the school’ part. It’s apparent enough to be another lie. Maybe Chanwoo should reply to him saying, ‘Oh you got it on typo hyung. It’s “we can hold hands all the way from my house until 25 meter away from the school’s gate”. That is the correct one.’ Well, he is almost tempted to write one when another message comes into his inbox. It’s from Hanbin again.

 

 

=== 1 message(s) from Hanbinnie Hyung~ ===

 

Have a good dream, Chanwoo.

I love you.

 

 

Chanwoo wonders why would Hanbin send that differently when he can just send it in one go. He wonders if the 3 words do have any meaning to the older. He is having lots of wonders and questions on everything.

 

He is questioning everything about Hanbin and him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tomorrow comes in a blink of an eye and Chanwoo can’t say that he is not anticipating to see what’s the day would offer to him; if Hanbin would really fulfill the promise he made yesterday or not. Well, the older didn’t say anything about promising but still it’s quite interesting to wait for. Chanwoo wakes up an hour early than he should, gets ready and waits for Hanbin before the gate of his house. The morning is exceptionally cold but he doesn’t give any damn care about the weather. He waits despite the nagging from his maid about him getting sick standing in the middle of the cold in early winter.

 

Just like what Hanbin said, he comes. Chanwoo is partially happy on that. Now that the older is here, he is waiting impatiently to see Hanbin fulfilling his words from last night. His mind is too preoccupied with the battling thoughts of whether Hanbin would really hold his hand until they pass the school gate or before they pass it that he doesn’t even hear his hyung scolding him standing in the middle of the cold air with no muffler and hand socks on. But that’s okay though, because the chillness on his hands are gone in an instant the moment Hanbin pulls of his right hand sock and gives it to Chanwoo instead while he takes the younger’s left hand and holds it tightly in his grip.

 

They walk together to the school when the sky still has its black color of the night. They are one hour and 42 minutes early thus it explains the dark color of the sky. However, there are still people crowding the streets and Chanwoo wonders if Hanbin would let go of his hand now when they reach the main road full with pedestrians walking by towards their destination.

 

Only that Hanbin didn’t, and that is surprising him greatly. Why wouldn’t he let go? There are people around them. Chanwoo thoughts that perhaps Hanbin is lost in his own daydreaming that he doesn’t even notice it. He tries to loosen the grip and letting their hands free but Hanbin refuses it. His hold on Chanwoo grows tighter instead and that is confusing the younger even more. Hanbin has never been this brave before and they have never acted like this in pubic except if there are not that many people in

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