“We think it’s what you have. Prolonged exposure to the whatever brainwashing techniques combined with shoved away trauma and the confusion of us. I think it all collapsed and he had an episode just like you. It seemed he was reliving a time when he was forcibly brainwashed. I didn’t hear many details, but Jackson did as he had to hold him down, so he didn’t break his leg. We also think the restraint made it worse, but he was going to either hurt his leg or one of the nurses.” Youngjae had made me more tea to calm me down. I rushed into the hospital half-ready to hurt anyone that got in my way. As soon as I got there, they had Junhong sedated and there was nothing I could do but stare at him and think about ways to help him how he got this way and how I was directly related.

“What are we going to do?”

“Exposure Therapy. Just like we do with you…or rather what we’re going to do. You go in there and talk to him alone, us on standby. We get to see the real Junhong whoever something happens to you, so maybe he’ll talk if it’s only you. Regular Junhong trusts and feels comfortable around you I’m assuming. The only problem is we’re now skirting around a grey area. If both of you have PTSD episodes that involve each other, it will be hard to stop things from coming out. If you can’t talk without having one, then how are we going to fix what the North did. This is only a hypothesis and it could turn out to be fine, but there is that chance. As a doctor I have to look at all options.”

“If you weren’t a doctor, what would you do? In my position?” He slouched back in his chair and for the first time I realized how tired Youngjae looked. I didn’t even take into account how he or Jackson were. They were both running around, taking care of me, Junhong and Mark. They were writing paper work and fixing things with military time and the government. They defiantly hadn’t been taking care of their selves and that’s what Youngjae preaches.

“I would try to talk to him one-on-one… a comfortable distance in between. I would try to insight memories that you both share, happy ones. Ones that will only bring happy flashbacks if anything. Try to remember the good days and bring him back that way.” He had dark circle under his eyes and he hadn’t smiled in a while. He usually is always smiling.

“Youngjae, remember that time you told me your ex-girlfriend use to by things after a fight, as self-care?” He closed his eyes and nodded.

“My bank account also remembers, why?” There would have been a laugh and smile if it was normal Youngjae.

“What’s your car? You’ve been running around the hospital for days.” He put his hands behind his head and took a long breath in.

“Seeing that everyone I care about it fine and happy. Something you should be very familiar with.”

“You look burnt out. Like you could use days of sleep.” He opened his eyes to look at me.

“HyeIn, how do you think you look? I know it’s not the nicest of questions, but everyday you have this look in your eyes. Like you’re ready to drop at any moment, but you have to stay strong. Stay strong for someone other than yourself. Your put so much mental and emotional stress on you by taking on the problems of others, I’m surprised you don’t have stress-induced anxiety disorder. Who knows, maybe you do. You honestly look like you have 10-pound weights on your shoulders and you won’t let anyone help you or carry them for you for even 10 feet. You need to learn how to let go. I know that tomorrow is my day off and that I’m going to sleep in and then go buy a new watch and work out. When have you had a day off? By the looks of you, never. You’ve never had a day off. So, I know your intentions of wanting to care about me right now are good, but you’re about to say that you’re going to go in there and deal with Junhong yourself. You’re worrying about me and Junhong, but not about yourself. I know you also told Jackson to go home and get rest and eat, but we’ve been telling you that for 4 days and you have yet to go back to the apartment and get clothes not freshly bought for you. To sleep in your own bed. If you want to take a load off of me, care for yourself first, so we don’t have to. As your doctor, it’s my job, but as your friend, there’s only so much I can do or tell you before I need to care about myself first. Taking care of yourself is also being truthful in sessions with me and telling me everything so I can help you.” Youngjae was tired and venting old frustrations, but the last one caught me off guard. It was true to an extent, I hadn’t been telling him everything, but he couldn’t have gotten that information. No one was supposed to know…

“What did you say Junhong’s flashback had in it?” He stood up, never turning around to face me. He was mad. As a doctor or a friend, I didn’t know.

“It’s like I’m mad in two ways. Mad at you for not telling me, as a doctor. I shouldn’t be mad at the victim, but I think that’s because the friend is mixing in with my job. I told you our first session that I like to establish trust with my patients and I thought we did. I know that this is big, but I… I honestly don’t know my frustration right now, HyeIn, I’m tired. I also mad at them. Extremely mad.” As soon as he said that, I could feel the anger roll off of him. Him had a name and he was in this hospital. Junhong had said something. “I’m not the one to start fights or to yell, I honestly don’t know what to do right now. I’m respecting your privacy, but I want to beat the out of him and it’s hard to see him walking and smiling when I know.”

“We’ll deal with it when we get there. I’ve watched him walk and smile like nothing was his fault for years and I can do it a bit more. Right now, I care about Mark and my brother.”

“You don’t care-!” He lowered his voice after shouting. That’s how mad he was. I’ve never seen Youngjae carry this type of anger, “You don’t care how they treated you? What they did?”

“I do care, but I learned to pick my battles. Right now, my battle is Junhong and Mark and I’m willing for you to fight in the same one right now.” He clenched his fist again but nodded once.

“This isn’t going to be brushed aside like it has been. We will talk about it and work through it.”

“As friends or as doctor patient?” He sighed again, and I understood this as him giving up momentarily.

“Whatever you need me to be.”

“Can I talk to my brother now?” He gave in a little more.

“I’ll be out here. Go when you’re ready and call if you need me.” I nodded and reached for the door handle. I couldn’t stutter now. I had to be bold. Be the front I’d put up in the South. HyeIn. I had to be HyeIn until Junhong recognized me.

He was sleeping when I walked in and I went and sat at the chair Youngjae was originally in. It was out of Junhong’s reach and I could see the shine of metal near his wrist. He wouldn’t be reaching me from there. I was safe physically.

His face had slimmed, and he had an actual jawline. A grown man was laying in the hospital bed, but I still saw him as the same 13-year-old I left. He slept with one hand under the pillow and one hand under his cheek. His mouth was open slightly and light snores were coming from his mouth. He moved his leg, so he could sleep sideways, but it didn’t look any type of comfortable. The sliver hair was fading, but still made him look pale, adding to the thinness of his body. Muscle had probably found its way on his body, but I couldn’t see it under the blanket or baggy hospital outfit. Again, it was just the barely-teen I had left when I was also a barely-teen. It had been so long since I help him. I’d hope he’d let me hold him again.

My heart swelled remembering the good times. The ones Youngjae told me to tell him. It was easy to remember them when he was right next to me.

“Who are you?” He was alert, but knew I was above him in this conversation. He was handcuffed to a bed and probably had no memory of conception of what had happened before. The only lingering feeling was being abnormally tired. I knew it well.

“If I asked you my name, what would you say?” He squinted, probably thinking it a trick question. Right now, he wasn’t the Junhong I knew. There was no movement and he stayed in that sleeping position. It made this seem so innocent when it wasn’t. It pulled at my heartstrings.

“They say your name is Kim HyeIn a lot, but I know that as an alias. Its Ri MeeYon.” I was HyeIn right now, not to small, weak MeeYon.

I remember back to Mark and I’s conversation in the care. The conversation about names, how HyeIn and MeeYon were one in the same. That wasn’t true in this moment.

“My name is Choi MeeYon and I was born in PyeongYang in 1994. I moved to Unggi and then my brother was born in 1996. I also have a brother born in 1990.”

“Your file shows you have 2 brothers and your father and mother are dead. Your only living relatives are your uncle, General Song, and aunt.” I nodded and hated the sound of his voice. Like talking to a brick wall. Empty of recognition.

“And my brothers.” Confusion was in his eyes for only a split second before it went back to the empty look.

“Your younger brother died in an explosion. A Navy mission turned wrong.” I shook my head and made my voice as soft as possible. Telling a story.

“No, my younger brother is alive. He’s one of the smartest people I know, and I wanted more for him than what he has right now.”

“If I kill you, I get my family back, but now I realize that I’m compromised. You’re from the North, you should understand.” What have they told him? Who is his family? Does he even know?

“Who is the family you’re getting back? We can help get them back.” He sat up as best as he could, adjusting his cast.

“I don’t have to tell you that, but you can tell me how to get them back.” It’s run full circle. Everything I’m about to say, I never thought I’d be saying this to someone. It was said to me. I never thought I’d be saying this to my brother. It’s amazing how fate works. How much my heart hurt saying these words like I was just talking to a regular North Korean. Junhong isn’t a regular North Korean.

“Option A is the simplest. You get a house, a class to learn South Korea, citizenship. You go into hiding and we use our connections to get your family back in less than a year. You might have to live somewhere else till your family is ready to adapt to the South and is safe. This is, of course, if only you seek asylum.”

“No. I want to see my family as quick as possible and I don’t want to go into hiding. If I wait, they might die. I couldn’t live with myself if I was the reason they died.” I swallowed the tears. I was HyeIn, not MeeYon. I was an officer giving him an option. I was Jackson giving me my options.

“Option B is relocation to a different country and becoming a refugee. You go through witness protection, your family, when we get them back, also does. This is the safest option, but the longest. Not contact for a few years is expected.”

“Give me an option that gives me the option of saving my family and seeing them when they wake up?” That struck a chord in me. I wasn’t going to give him Option C, because that’s what I got. This is where I am with Option C.

“Option C is the worst one. It gives you false hope and security.” I said this with a straight face but I was still fighting down tears.

“I still want to hear it.” His voice had a bit more punch to it now.

“I chose Option C, hoping that I would get to see my brother right away. To hold him after over 8 years of not seeing him at all. To ask him how he was and what he went through. I went through military training and through seeing someone shot through 3 times to get Option C. Option C doesn’t work because you can never guess what your family will be like when they wake up. They aren’t acquainted to the South and you have no idea if they’ll seek asylum and if they don’t seek it, they’re locked up and put on trial. Option C gave me a sense of everything will be okay in the end, but that’s not how it turned out. Not…not at a-all.”

“Option C, please.” I stared him dead in the I.

“I, Choi MeeYon, went through the NIS special training program. To get my brother back right away. I went to a month of military training in the South and will be going through espionage training. I went through testing and questioning about my whole life and North Korea. An agent was attached to me, read to kill me. I almost killed that agent. I got my brother back, but he can’t remember who I am. He can’t remember the person he cared for him the most because of the North. When he goes through questioning, he won’t mention me or our life together. He won’t mention the pain we went through with our father dying. With everyone turning against us,” by this time tears were rolling down my face and my voice was raising, “He won’t remember how it was us against the world and that we were satisfied if we had only us to together. If we were just together we were happy. He won’t remember me when I sit across from him in a chair and beg him to remember. To tell him his Options. We will be together, but not happy. It won’t be us against the world it will be the other against the other. You against me. He won’t remember who he truly is or who is sister truly is. Are you sure you want that? Are you sure you want that amount of sadness? Can you handle it? Can you handle your heart being broken into a million tiny pieces?” I wiped my cheeks quickly, trying to hide the heart break. Option C makes you assume the best, only to be given the worst.

“How did you handle it?” I shook my head and laughed a bit. You could hear the sadness in the laugh. How fake it actually was. I never hid my emotions around Junhong and brainwashed Junhong was no different. He wasn’t an enemy or on the line like KyungIl. He was the closest to me and I felt like I was slowly losing him. Maybe, If I showed more emotion, he’d some back.

“I haven’t at all, Junhong. I’ve had about 2 mental breakdowns and PTSD episodes about it. I went and talked to KyungIl even, just to see if my anger could be directed at him instead of myself. I wanted to find a scapegoat, but I only ended up feeling worse about myself. About how I treated KyungIl. How it feels to be treated like you’re nothing to them, because right now, I know how KyungIl feels. I feel how ing horrible I made my older brother and it hurts.” I hit my chest, trying to break up the feeling surrounding my heart.

There was silence and the jingle of his handcuffs against the bed frame. I didn’t care what he was doing, I was watching my tears hit the ground. Make that breakdown number 3. The jingle happened again, but this time a thud came with it. It was soft, but I realized he was taking his cast out of the sling. He couldn’t do that.

I looked up to reprimand him, but his eyes were wide and I thought he was having another flashback. I stood up and tried to fix his leg, but he grabbed my wrist. I would’ve tried to get out of his grasp if it wasn’t as soft as it was.

“You have to put you ca-“

“If I say I hate myself for making you feel this way, would you cry more?” I looked up at him with confusion. What does he me-

“Noona, I don’t want to make you cry anymore. I can’t stand you breaking down in front of me again. I can’t stand making you cry, Noona.” I grabbed his hands, already squatting down. I look into his eyes, trying to find the truth.

“N…N-Noona?” The tears I had wiped out came back two times, “Y…y-you called… called me, N-Noo-“ He grabbed me, crushing me. I put my arms around him with the same force. Even if this Junhong was here for seconds, I needed to lavish in it.

“It’s been 8 years and the first thing I do is make you cry. That’s something Youngjae would do, not me.” I laughed but hugged him closer. The tears blocked out my vision, so I closed my eyes. Junhong would always try to trash Youngjae. This was Junhong.

“I’m so sorry. Noona is so sorry. I-I…I can’t, can-“ I hiccupped on my tears and he just nodded. When I felt his own slowly drop onto my hair, I lost it. I couldn’t say anything, and I let the thing I was swallowing earlier come up.

8 years of grief and separation.

8 years of not knowing.

__

April 11^th, 2018 12:45:00 PM

Mark’s room was what I predicted. Everyday I stared at that door after he went in it, thinking how it could be laid out. Maybe it wasn’t as dark as I thought it would be, but I was still bare. Jackson also said he spent most of his time at work or out somewhere, so he didn’t have the attachment to his room like a 17-year-old did.

The books are what surprised me the most. As soon as you walk in, the book shelves to your left stand out against the off-white walls and grey interior. Mark’s room was large, so anything that filled the void stood out.

They were in a L shape, one on each side of the corner. A desk and an armchair competed the square, making it seem like Mark’s own personal library. Once you realized that most of the “books” were case files, that feeling went away. The whole room was cold, and I wondered what it felt like with Mark in here.

It felt like I wasn’t supposed to be in here. The first day at his apartment, this was a no-go zone. It was one of the big rules I had to adhere to. I wonder if he could feel me breaking another rule.

“Did you get the clothes yet?” I looked back at the door where Jackson was standing. He slept here last night on the couch while I slept in “my own bed.” I did it once after Youngjae had told me his anger, but I couldn’t sleep. Without knowing another person was in the room I was now standing in, I felt alone. If I was being honest, it was scary. I couldn’t be left alone with my thoughts for too long.

“No, I was just looking around. It’s pretty…large. It’s a shame he never uses.” Jackson laughed a bit before walking all the way in and too the closet on my right.

“He was given this apartment by the NIS. If anything, he’d rather rent out my room and stay there. The only times I’ve seen him actively use his bed is when you were here. I wonder if that’s how it started?” The last sentence was low and under his breath, like a tiny attack. I wasn’t going to question something I knew nothing about. I was going to question, however, Jackson’s actions in the past few days. He was acting distant and out of place. He hadn’t even gone into Mark’s room, I hadn’t either, but he said it was because he was busy. Either he felt some sort of way seeing his best friend like that, or it was something more. Something that involved those snide comments to the side.

“Did the doctors tell you anything more about Junhong?” He changed the subject once he heard me go silent. I turned the desk chair and sat down so I was still facing Jackson picking out clothes for when Mark wakes up and extras for Junhong.

“They’re trying to work with Youngjae to study him. Over he past few days, his episodes have been getting better, but the time is still the same. One moment, he’ll be sleeping or just reading a book as normal Junhong and then something will snap, like a trigger, and he’ll turn back into the North Korean spy. They’re trying to find the trigger still. They thought it was me at first, but then he’s flipped back and forth when I’m not there or when he’s just by himself. It’s going to take a while, so they’re keeping him in the hospital longer. Probably the same amount as Mark. The other Psychiatrists think it could be Bipolar or DID, but Youngjae doesn’t think so.” He shoved shirts and pants into the duffle bag, nodding.

“What do you think?” I sighed and looked around Mark’s room again. There was nothing out of place, even the covers. When was the last time he slept in here?

“I think he’s under stress. It happens to all the ex-spies and service members. We’ve been forced so long to fight and love a country that’s running us from the inside out, when we’re suddenly told not to, it’s hard. An inner fight between what we’ve been conditioned and what our wants are. In some, it’s worse than others. I think it’s happening to Junhong so strong is because they… they probably had to beat him into submission in the first place. He questioned everything at a young age and hated North Korea from the start. To go back to that mentality after he was…. I just think it’s hard on him. For me, I had a sole focus on getting him back, that that inner fight was put on the back burner. For him, everything’s here, so he has nothing else to think about.”

“Have you talked to him about anything that’s happened?” I shook my head and got up from the chair when he zipped the duffle bag. I haven’t talked to Junhong about anything North Korean. I didn’t want him to have more stress until we had it under control.

“Are you going to give him the same options I had?” He walked out of the room and I followed, taking one last glance before shutting the door.

“Basically, but since he has willing family that’s established here, it will be easier. He just has to give us information and we can help him while he lives with you. If he wants to talk the option you’re on, he can, but there’s no incentive this time.” The elevator went down to the parking garage and I thought about it. Junhong in he army again. No matter how short or how superficial it was, it unsettled me. He wanted to be a doctor.

“I don’t want to see him in a military uniform, no matter what side.”

“That isn’t your choice, however. If that’s what he wants, we can’t hold him back from that.” It was a robotic answer, but there was something underneath. Something that made me feel small against Jackson. That’s never happened before.

“Jackson, why...?” He looked backwards to reverse and met my eyes.

“Jackson, why what? I can’t break the rules like you and Mark, HyeIn.”

There is was.

___

April 13^th

“So, you’re living with him?” Junhong and I were sitting on his bed, facing each other. He had just gotten lunch and I said I would monitor him when they took off the handcuffs. I also said that if he had bruises, he wouldn’t be the only one, but his wrists were fine.

“It temporary. Until I complete my training.” I pulled a sour face and I smiled again. Anything he did, I smiled. I was just happy and content that he was in front of me in one piece. He was alive and free. We were together.

“I don’t like that. A man and woman living together? Call me old fashioned, but-“

“Once you go outside, you’ll realize a lot of things about the South are not old fashioned. You might like it.” He took another sip of his soup and rolled his eyes. His physical characteristics changed, and he towers over me, but he’s still the same mentally. The same Junhong I know… though, I haven’t seen the pain yet.

“Where does the live?” I shook my head at him and took a sip of his untouched apple juice, “Hey! I’m the one with the bullet hole.”

“He lives next door.” He pulled a sour face, but this time it stayed.

“Him and the rest?”

“No, they live in Gangnam, the richest part of Seoul.”

“Figures… bastards.”

“Where did you get that mouth?” He leaned back and rolled his eyes. He had made constant remarks how I still treat him like a child when he is almost 21, but I don’t care. He’ll always be my little brother. I have to take care of him.

“The same place you got yours, Noona.”

“If you weren’t in that cast –“ He gave me a face of “Oh, really?” before holding up his plastic knife.

“If I wasn’t in this cast, what? I could take you in a body suit, Noona. Have you seen how skinny you are?”

“I haven’t been in the North for a while, but I don’t remember them not having mirrors, Junhong. You should look-“

“Hey, hey, hey! Put the knife down or I’ll put you back in handcuffs. You can’t be doing things like that around here, not at this time.” Junhong glared at Jackson and dropped the knife, leaving his open hand in the air.

Junhong was never good with authority. That hasn’t changed either.

“Sorry, officer. I wasn’t aware I could kill my sister with a plastic knife that can barely cut through my beef. Thank you though, you’re really helping society. Good work.” Jackson glared at him and I saw the files he was holding.

“Junhong…”

“Why do both of you like to talk back to me? I’m trying to help and you,” he pointed to me, “go and get yourself almost killed and you,” Junhong, “try to make more trouble for yourself.” Junhong shrugged and went back to eating.

“I’m here to give him options, HyeIn, so you’re going to have to leav-“

“She can stay.” Jackson glared at him again, but knew he wasn’t going to win. He took out the dreaded folder and began.

“Option A, B, and C. Option A, you don’t get to see HyeIn for a year and a half and then we’ll connect you two later. Option B you become an outstanding citizen of the South, but you have to jump through a lot of hoops and it’s not a guaranteed process. Option C is-” I didn’t want Junhong to pick Option C, even if it was the fastest method. I didn’t want him to become a soldier again. Once is enough.

“How long do I have to go to the military? And what would I do there?”

“Don’t.” Jackson turned his gaze to me and shook his head. This is why he didn’t want me in the room.

“You can’t effect his choice like that HyeIn. His choice is his choice.” I turned to Junhong.

“I worked my whole life to get you out of the military, I don’t want you back in.” It was stern and the look on his face told me he didn’t care.

“I can take care of myself now,” He turned again at Jackson, “In the end, I want to be a doctor, the fastest way to get there is the one I want. If that’s Option C, then when my leg heals, I’ll go.”

“Junhon-“

“Do I have to sign anywhere?”

“I’ll bring in papers later. Just focus on getting better and out of the hospital.” Jackson stood up and booked it out of the room before I could start yelling at him. It was just Junhong and I in the room, be ha acted unbothered. He just went on eating his food and watching the mindless TV that was on. I was staring at the floor, recalling what just happened. That short 5 minutes and how it made me so mad.

“I’m not 12 anymore, Noona. I can do things without you holding my hand anymore.”

“I mean, he’s also 18 now. I didn’t want my sister babying me when I was his age.”

“Stop talking to me like I’m 5 again. You’re not my mom, you're my sister.”

This time I couldn’t stand to say anything back.