April 2^nd, 2018 D-Day

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t shaking. I was the first one up today, just sitting, waiting for the lights to be . Everyone was excited to go home for a break or forever. I sat on my bed while the other girls were running around, packing their last-minute things, and talking about what they’re going to do when they get home. They say that all male soldiers talk about their girlfriends or wives before they return, and the same is for the females. Three of them had boyfriends, two had a husband, one a wife, and only HaeYoung and I were single. HaeYoung was the youngest of us, being 22. Most of the women here had done 4 years of training, not the 2 that is normal. I guess the South and the North have similarities in ranking women and how hard we have to work to become recognized.

“KangCheol told me he’s going to take me on a fancy date when we get back. How romantic is that?!  I forgot what dresses I even have at home.” SuRi was going on and on about how much she missed her husband, even giving us somewhat explicit details. I just sat there, head in my hands, waiting for the inevitable to happen and have Mark walk through that door. I hope he doesn’t see me shaking.

“HaeYoung, don’t give me that face. When you have someone, you’ll know what I’m feeling.” HaeYoung laughed and shifted so she was laying on her stomach.

“I’ve had multiple and none of them have made me as happy as you. I’m fine by myself.” SuRi rolled her eyes and went back to packing.

“HyeIn, you’re single right?” I nodded at JaeIn and SuRi and TaeHee exchanged looks.

“HyeIn has boys chasing her left and right.”

“TaeHee…” Here we go again.

“Who’s picking you up today, HyeIn?” SuRi sat on her bed and I groaned. The conspiracy theorists are at it again.

“Tuan, because he’s my coworker.”

“That you live with.”

“Wait, you live with Mark Tuan? The Mark Tuan.” JaeIn was now interested in our conversation.

“The 8-pack, perfect record, badass, Adonis looking agent of they year? Yes, yes she does.” TaeHee shook her head, cutting of SuRi. Now we have the second theory.

“I’m talking about Prince Yoo. Tall, handsome, powerful, sweet. If I didn’t have my boyfriend, I would be trying it with Yoo. He seems like the one who likes fun. Isn’t that right HyeIn?” I rolled my eyes and laid down.

“You all are wrong. I obviously have the hots for Officer Wang. Tall, broad, handsome, faithful. What more could you ask for?” They all laughed, and I glanced over to HaeYong who actually had a crush on Jackson after seeing him come visit me. We called it love at first sight.

“If I lived with Mark Tuan… the things I’d do.” I shot back up and gave SuRi a look of disgust, “You’ve lived with him how long and haven’t even had the thought of touching those abs? A God is 50 feet away from you, HyeIn!”

“ God?” I hadn’t heard the expression before, must be some slang. From her tone, it was something good. I laid back down again.

“The last girlfriend he had was my friend and the things she said about him. He’s talented in all aspects.” TaeHee rolled her eyes, mirroring me.

“I think HyeIn would suit Youngjae,” That left a sour memory in my head. The sweatshirt stashed underneath my bed never felt more present. I haven’t talked to him since that night and have avoided him like the plague, but that damn sweatshirt.

“No way! She’s too good for him. He may seem like a charmer, but he’s annoying. He’s rude to everyone and cocky as hell – “

“And Tuan’s not?” I cut off SuRi and her eyes widened.

“You really feel nothing for him? Not even physical attraction?” He shrugged.

“He’s handsome, sure, anyone can see that, and good at what he does, and…” I stopped. That little feeling came back. The one when Youngjae said… But this was Tuan. He’s your Yongguk. But who really is my Yongguk? Youngjae or Tuan? And for them to be my Yongguk, I’d have to like them, which is not true.

“And?” I shot up again in my bed, Tuan leaning against the door, his hand up from knocking.

“And annoying as hell. The most obnoxious person I’ve had the chance of meeting.” I stood up, grabbing my bag angrily. Damn, I just got caught complimenting him.

“Ditto. You’re kind of cute, too. Now let’s go before we get into traffic. I want to be stuck in line for the tolls like last time.” He walked over and grabbed my duffle bag, turning back around and out the door.

“HyeIn, you’re blushing.” I lifted a hand up to my cheek. Hot. .

“Are you sure you don’t like him, HyeIn?” HaeYoung took a jab and I glared at him.

“This is what I mean about annoying.” I started to walk out.

“Have fun, HyeIn!”

“I’ll miss you!”

“Go get ‘em!” Their cheers almost made me forget that I was walking out to someone who refuses to talk or look at me and that we were driving to finally get my brother. I hadn’t noticed, but the shaking didn’t stop. Tuan noticed, but he didn’t say anything. He just kept walking out, my bag in his hand.

“HyeIn, wait!” I stopped and turned. The person I didn’t want to talk to.

“Youngjae, HyeIn and I have to go back to the station. I don’t have all day.” Youngjae almost completely ignored Tuan.

“Do you have my sweatshirt?” The sweatshirt. Why would he ask for that now?

“No, it’s, um, in one of the cabinets under my bed… I think.” I knew exactly where it was. The situation I was in, or the two people I was between, made me not want to say that.

“Why would she have your sweatshirt, Yoo?” Youngjae pulled out that look again, but this time he ruled Tuan worthy of an extra breath.

“I gave it to her because it was cold outside. I’m sorry, I didn’t know she could just wear yours now.” Tuan slung my duffle bag over his shoulder. What is Youngjae insinuating?

“I never said that, but she obviously likes my clothes better since she’s wearing one of my shirts right now.” I froze and looked down. Tuan’s clothes had mixed with mine that I didn’t realize when I was wearing his or mine. I’d have to tuck in all of my shirts, so length wasn’t a factor. Now that I was wearing a pair of leggings and, apparently, Tuan’s shirt, the difference in length was evident. It nearly went down to my knees.

I looked back up at Youngjae who was now obviously irritated with Tuan. He looked me up and down, annoyed. Why are they fighting over a ing shirt? We need to get on the road to Gyeonggi-do and here’s Youngjae slowing us down.

“If you ask SuRi, she can probably get you the sweatshirt. We have to hurry to HQ.”

“See you at home, MeeYon. Maybe we can take a walk again, like Thursday. I miss them. I might not see a lot of you because I’ll be at my parents. My mom says sh-“ I was yanked back and Youngjae stopped his train of thought as Tuan dragged me to a black Mercedes.

“Waste of my ing time.”  He let go, threw my bag in the trunk and slammed it down hard. Why was Tuan so mad? Maybe because Youngjae was wasting our time… Yet, he still hasn’t talked to me, just around me.

I got into the car and looked in the back seat. Cases. Definitely holding weapons and other equipment. On top of those were two duffle bags, one I recognized from my closet. Clothes. We weren’t going back to the station first. I didn’t have the guts to bring it up and the car stayed quiet as he turned out of the base.

We’re going to get Junhong. Right now. It starts.

“Stop ing shaking. This isn’t your first mission and it won’t be your last. I can’t work with someone who’s too afraid to shoot a gun.” Was this his way of trying to start a conversation? Because it’s pretty . It only made me mad. I shoved my hands under my thighs and turned so I was facing more towards the window. If that’s the only thing he’s going to say, I’m not going to answer.

“I had one of the girls in Communications pack you clothes. She worked with us on a case last week and wants to meet you when we get back. She’s almost as infuriating as you but is friends with Jackson. I guess Jackson likes the annoying ones.” So, he’s going to tell me information, but insult me at the same time. Right. How long is this drive?

“She took one look at your closet and said that I should be reported for not giving you the basic necessities. Apparently, those basics cost me over 500 dollars and 4 hours from Jackson’s part. At least now you won’t have to take my clothes all the time, but I guess you’ve been wearing Youngjae’s.” His eyes shifted to look at me, but I just stared out the window at the other cars surrounding us. One had an old couple in it, the man sleeping. A red Ferrari had a girl, probably my age, a bunch of bags in her passenger seat. I hadn’t heard of any of them, but they were probably as expensive as her car.

“What’s been up with you and Youngjae recently? Has he found his way back into your heart? Confessed his undying love? Were you wearing his sweatshirt because you had nothing to wear?” I couldn’t turn to glare at Tuan, but I was now glaring at the old man sleeping. What kind of conversation was Tuan trying to start? One that ends up with him dead. He needs to remember there are weapons in my reach.

I’m in love with you.

“I’ve always had questions about you and Youngjae. Like how did your young love start?” I want him to start, “You lived together right? And then you went to the military? I’ve heard the stories from him. Late night drinking. Ooh, he said that you two used to sneak away from training camp and-“

“Finish that sentence please. I want to know what bull Youngjae told you before I try to stab your eyes out.” Tuan smirked and leaned back, on hand on the wheel. I then realized he got what he wanted. Me to talk back first.

“I thought we were passed the ‘threatening to murder each other in elevators’ phase. Old habits die hard, I guess.” I huffed and turned facing forward.

“ off.” He laughed, and I wish it didn’t affect that little part of me. I grimaced when that feel came in my stomach. I wanted it to go away. I wanted it gone when I was with Youngjae, now I’m with Tuan.

“I just don’t these 2 hours to be boring and I get off by making you annoyed.” I rolled my eyes, still refusing to voluntarily talk to him. Or maybe, I could get my jab in.

“It’s not my responsibility to entertain you.” This time he sighed.

“You talked to Youngjae right? Choi.” I just nodded, not adding my words, “And I bet he told you that you need to have someone help you deal with things, so you can work on yourself. Maybe to the effect of, “You need to take that need for responsibility off your shoulders. That need to care for everyone but yourself.” Damn. Youngjae really needs to re-write his confidentiality rules. I nodded again, still not wanting to converse with this .

“He said those exact words to me the first time I came to him after I got out of the hospital. I was mandatorily assigned to go to him or I’d face some sort of consequence. Either way, that was my problem, more or less. I was ed up in the head and I felt that I needed to take responsibility for everything that happened and that I was the only one who could fix what happened. I pretty much cussed out Jackson when he wanted to help me with my military discharge papers. When I finally listened to the people who were trying to help me, I got here. I’m still mentally messed up, but at least I have a stable job and my good looks.” He ended, silence filling the car. I think he expected me to laugh or say something, but I didn’t. My problem wasn’t some ing papers, it was my life. It was another life that I treasured. If something happened to Junhong, therapy wouldn’t have helped me.

“You’re really just going to sit there and not talk after I’m pouring my soul out to you.” I shook my head, ‘no.’

“I’m willing to help you and get your brother back safe and sound. You should take my help. Take our help. Not just with Junhong. Remember the promise we made? The whole trust thing? Trust me with your brother and I’ll trust you with…” With…?

“What’s something you’ve never told anyone before?” He seemed shocked that I finally spoke but thought about it for a while. I would too, if I had so many. Which one would be the least likely to come back around and bite me in the later.

“The reason I got out of M-18 into Unit 1 was because Chief Lee blackmailed Chief Ahn with is military history. Chief Ahn hated me for some reason so he would always pass me off because of my… past.  The Chief Lee helped me and I’m the top agent in Unit 1. That’s why I want to know what Chief Ahn did. I want to know how much I’m worth to him and how easy it would be for him to drop me.” . I know how much Tuan is worth to Chief. Worth enough that when I brought his military history he was ready to have Tuan back.

“What would you do with that information if you found out? Tell administration? Blackmail him again?” He shook his head.

“I’d turn him in, get him kicked out. Someone like that doesn’t belong where he’s sitting. That’s Chief Lee’s spot.” I sat up instead of leaning down.

“Chief Lee?”

“He had to do some things to find out those secrets. He pissed off the wrong people and got demoted to Unit 3. If he didn’t get demoted, he would have been the head of NIS by now. If it wasn’t for me.” Tuan trailed off at the end of his sentence and I saw something in him that I hadn’t seen before. Sadness, regret, guilt. I felt it too. For Chief Lee. If only I could say…

“I know what happened,” Tuan looked over at me, softly.

“I know you do. Chief Lee told me as soon as I became your overseer.”

“Then why didn’t you ask me? If you knew!” He laughed again, but this time it was soft and half-hearted.

“Because I know you get incriminated if you tell anyone. My job is to do just the opposite.” My hands balled into fist.

“If I get incriminated, I can’t handle myself I jus-“

“You need to take that need for responsibility off your shoulders. That need to care for everyone but yourself. When I said you were my responsibility, MeeYon, I meant it.” Something inside of me swelled again. The way he said MeeYon.

“Why do you feel the need to call me that?”

“What?” His eyes were back on the road again.

“My real name. The only ones who call me that are KyungIl, Youngjae, and you. I get why they do, but why do you? You’ve known me as HyeIn since you were given my picture.”

“Because when I talk, I want to talk to the real you.” The real me. I don’t know why, but that hit me. Does a name make me different? I don’t like MeeYon. It reminds me of who I was. HyeIn is strong and doesn’t give two s. Whenever I’m called MeeYon, I’m smaller – breakable.

“I don’t want to talk to the HyeIn who thinks they need to hide their emotions and not let anyone help them. I want to talk to MeeYon, the girl who knows what’s right for her and what she needs to do.”

“You’re giving MeeYon a lot of credit.” He nodded and turned the radio on, a song playing softly in the background.

“I am giving you a lot of credit. Stop talking about yourself like that isn’t you. Like that’s who you were before. When you call me YiEn, it takes me back to who I was pretending to be in the military and when I was younger. Not the Mark I know I am. You’re MeeYon and I’m Mark. Claim your identity and don’t let anyone take it away from you.”

“No. MeeYon’s dead. She died when her father did. I’m HyeIn.” He turned up the music.

“What? I can’t hear you! What did you say MeeYon?” I went to turn down the radio, but he swatted my hand away.

“I used to think that Mark Tuan was dead too. That I wasn’t the fun, chill person I was when I was in LA, but look, here I am.” I rolled my eyes.

“No one would describe you as fun and chill!” By this time, I had to yell over the music in the car.

“I am! You just have to get to know me! See! Give it to you, nananananananan nunbich!” For the first time in, well ever, I laughed at something Tuan did because it was funny. Not because he was failing at something or it was ironic.

“Come on, sing!” I didn’t think it was possible, but he turned it up more. I had to cover my ears with my hands because it was so loud. Maybe Tuan is half deaf so that’s why he has to have this music so loud.

“I don’t know any of these songs! I only know really old songs!”

“Here,” He turned down the music and reached in his pocket, giving me his phone. My eyes widened, and I don’t think he noticed. He just gave me his phone. This man would barely give me a spoon a few weeks again because he thought I would craft a murder weapon out of it. Now he’s giving me his phone?!

“What am I supposed to do with this?”

“Take that chord and plug it in and go to YouTube.”

“What’s YouTube?” He blinked twice.

“What? You don’t know what YouTube is? How long have you been in the South? Like 3 years? And you still don’t know what YouTube is?” He reached over to try and hit him, but he leaned away and put his hand on his phone, opening it up. He averted his gaze off the road and pressed the little square conveniently labeled “YouTube” in English.

“Press the magnifying glass and type in a song you know. Your favorite song.”

“I don’t have a favorite song… The only music I’ve listened to in a while are the ones that are playing in stores.” He shook his head and pressed a button on his dashboard, grabbing the phone out of my hand.

“We’ll just have to go to Spotify and see which songs you like.” I grabbed the wheel and Tuan looked up at the road and then down to my hands.

“My car can drive itself, MeeYon. You don’t need to help it.” I took my hands off the wheel to test it. The wheel moved itself, straightening out and making sure we were following the middle lane. Whoa. This is truly technology. I think I stared at the wheel for 5 minutes and stopped when the music came though the speakers.

“You have a lot to learn for someone who’s been in Korean for a long time.” I crossed my arms and leaned back into the seat.

“Most of my time was spent trying to kill you, so, naturally, I didn’t listen to the latest music that much.” He laughed and pressed the button again, putting his hand back on the wheel. I breathed out a little and settled back down. I didn’t trust a machine to drive in morning rush hour.

“You sound like my father every time I go home and he’s blasting rock music form the 70s.”

“Your parents live in America, right?” He nodded and merged into an exit lane.

“Have you ever been to America?”

“No, I’ve never left this hemisphere. Maybe one day I’ll got to LA or New York on a vacation.”

“What do you know about America?”

“You mean what does North Korean make me think about America?”

“More or less.” I thought about it for a bit. How should I put his without insulting the American in the car? Maybe he already knows.

“Well, American’s start out as the killers of North Koreans. There’s pictures of American soldiers killing woman and children everywhere, even in schools. We’re show videos of Americans begging and starving and indulging in drugs and alcohol. We’re also shown that their government doesn’t care about them and that we have a government that’s better. It’s all propaganda.”

“And you?” I shrugged.

“I don’t have much of an opinion now that I know those things are false. Most of the things I’ve learned about America and about South Korea were from dramas that were smuggled over. My English teachers didn’t know why I was so good at English, and I couldn’t tell them it was because I was watching Friends late into the night.”

“You like Friends?” A smiled pulled up on my face as a remembered back to the younger me. KyungIl, Junhong, and I snuggled under a blanket, blocking anyone from seeing us watching the illegal shows. I had to be what…10 or 11 years old?

“I liked South Korean drama’s better. I’d imagine me being the main girl with Lee JoonKi or Rain or HyunBin.” Tuan rolled his eyes and skipped two or three songs.

“They’re all old now. Don’t you watch any new dramas? There’s one that the girls in the office and Jinyoung where obsessing over. What was it called? Something Do BongSoon… It had Park HyungSik and Kim JiSoo in it.”

“I don’t know who they are.”

“Do you know who Song JoongKi is?” I sat up and grabbed Tuan’s phone.

“Of course, I do! Is there any girl who doesn’t?”

“Of course. The universal drama. Reaching even the most war-torn of places.” Park HyungSik. The screen had a little loading circle on it before showing a face.

“Oooo, he’s really handsome!” Tuan leaned over to see what I was looking at and groaned.

“Park HyungSik. He had to have a security detail once and the girls in Unit 2 were fighting over who got to do it.”

“If he needs another one, I’d volunteer.” Tuan rolled his eyes and looked back at the road.

“Song Joongki will be in the same building you will be in next month.”

“What? Really?!”

“He served there when he was doing Military Service. Weren’t you in the South when Descendants of the Sun came out?”

“I was working with Chief Lee then and living with the others. Himchan… Himchan Oppa forced me to watch it with him.”

“How did you know Kim Himchan?” The mood flattened again. It seems to happen when I talk about the North and my life back then. It could be just me…because I don’t want to remember the bad times, but then I’d forget the good times. They were few, but still there. Himchan was a good memory.

“Himchan was on Alpha up until 2012 with KyungIl. Himchan and KyungIl were also good friends growing up, so Himchan was also like a brother to me. Himchan’s father was a scientist so he got moved around. When I was 11 or 12, Himchan moved more South and we never saw him again. He missed everything that happened. When I went to the military at 16, he was my residing officer like Commander Park. Then, to my surprise, we were both assigned the same areas in the South. He’s like a mentor and an older brother. I would have considered him the only family I had in the South.” The music went to a mellower song and I leaned back into my seat.

“Do you miss him?” I huffed and looked down at my hands. I was wringing them together.

“Yeah. I miss a lot of people that I know I won’t be able to see again. All my connection got cut off when I came here. My grandparents are still alive, my mother’s sister and my cousins. When I left the North, my cousin was about to get married, but I wasn’t allowed to go to the wedding. I wonder if he has kids now. He was one of the reasons that Junhong wanted to be a doctor because he was one. KyungIl might know.”

“The Red Cross hosts family reunions about every 3 years in the North.”

“There was one in 2013 that I had to monitor and pick out defectors to steal back in the night. I don’t think that would work. The only thing that would work for me would be reunification.”

“We’re getting one family member back this week.”

“Hey,” I was nudged, and I tried to roll over, away from the hand that touched me, “Wake up! We’re outside the safe house. It’s crunch time.”

My eyes snapped open, taking in the surroundings instantly. It was the normal downtown apartment, private school, shopping center, and pharmacy area. People were walking around not caring who we were or what we were doing. Tuan opened my door for me and I stepped out onto the street.

“Wear this.” He handed me a hat and waited for me to put it on before walking to the door leading to the stairs. He put a hand on the small of my back, making me go up first. He looked behind his shoulders before closing the door.

“Is everyone else here?”

“Yeah, the party started at noon. We’re a bit late. Excuse me.” Tuan pushed me against the railing with his body, letting a man pass by us.

“You can’t talk until we get into the apartment. It could be bugged,” he whispered, making me intake a sharp breath. He’s so close to me and he’s warm. It wasn’t that hot outside, was it? Why am I heating up?

I pushed him off of me a bit and started to walk up the stairs again. Tuan stood there for a second before I turned back and nodded at him.

“Why didn’t we bring the presents in? Is he opening them later?” Tuan found his place right up my neck again as we walked all the way up. The 5^th floor.

“They’re heavy to carry up all these stairs. And he said he didn’t want to be tempted to look into them.” Heavy. People might see them. That still doesn’t explain why Tuan is on top of me… I’m also not doing anything to push him away.

After what seemed like forever of Tuan breathing up my neck and me not doing anything, we got to the top floor and to the door we needed to go into. Tuan knocked three times and then rang the bell once. That must be the code. The door unlocked but no one opened it. Tuan pushed me in again first, touching my back. Does mission Tuan have no boundaries?

Everything was silent hen the door was open. When it closed, everyone returned back to what they were doing. Jinyoung and Youngjae were looking at some pictures as well as a map. Nickhun and Taecyeon had monitors set up on the kitchen counter and only a few of them had videos of the street. I could see Tuan’s car. I could also see two other places with people walking, but 6 other monitors were off.

“Good you’re here. Did you bring the guns we needed? How did you smuggle them out?” Tuan went and sat down at the dining room table with Youngjae and Jinyoung. I just stood awkwardly by the monitors.

“I paid off some people and Chief Lee got the others. It’s kind of hard to sneak out of that place with military-grade rifles. How many concealed did you get?”

“One for everyone but Hye-In.”

“What?” Everyone’s attention turned to me but Tuan’s. He didn’t look at me, just out the window.

“You don’t get a gun. It’s still a policy we have to go by.” Youngjae answered and everyone was waiting with caution.

“You mean I have to go out on the field without any weapon to protect myself with? Do you want me to die? What happens if Tuan and I get separated? What happens if he’s incapable of protecting himself and I have to?”

“That won’t happen. We’re not doing anything where you would need a gun and if you do need something I have two on me at all times. It’s just a precaution that was needed or Ahn wasn’t going to let us do this.” I crossed my arms and glared at him. He still hadn’t looked at me.

“Are there any more that I need to know about? What did Ahn say?” I could see him sigh before picking up a picture and staring at it.

“One. Kim HyeIn has to say with Mark Tuan the whole duration of the mission. No one else can accompany her but him. This is to ensure that only two people will be blamed for a down fail if it happens. Two. Kim HyeIn will not get any weapons until it is so desperately needed. If she is found out to have one, the mission will be terminated. Three. If any North Korean operatives are found besides Lee Junhong, Kim HyeIn will be taken away from the scene and is to be hidden. If the situation is dire, she will be taken back to Seoul and the mission will be terminated.”

“So, he’s giving me no freedom?” Tuan stood up, finally looking at me. He walked by, grabbing my wrist and hauling me into a room, shutting the door. I twisted my hand, so he had to let go of me.

“Stop touching me!” He rolled his eyes and leaned against the wall next to the door. We were in a bedroom that was musty and dark and only had one window. The light only radiated on his face and I could see how annoyed he was.

“Look. This mission. Ahn wants you to either fail or have nothing to do with actually getting your brother. He set it up so it was easy for you to step over the line and have to get pulled out. As much as I hate to say it, Khun and Taec are monitoring you. Chief has got them under him still and they know that their jobs are being jeopardized if they don’t monitor you 24/7. The person who will take you away, Taec. The person who will report if you have a weapon, Khun. The only three you can trust right now is me, Youngjae, and Jinyoung. The only person you can wholeheartedly trust is me.” I crossed my arms again.

“How do I know that isn’t bull?” He walked over and grabbed me, pulling me close. This time I struggled and kicked him in the leg when he pulled up the back of my shirt. I tried to push him away even more, but he held me flush against him, his eyes telling me to stop. I tried this time to push his shoulders away as his arms were occupied, but this resulted in his free arm grabbing my wrists and holding them back. My whole weight was resting on him and he stopped for a second, still holding me in place. 

“Stop ing moving.” It was a harsh whisper and he waited for me to stop trying to squirm out of his grasp. His breath was on my neck again and I wanted to get out of this compromising position we were in. Maybe I do feel some of the muscle SuRi was talking about. Maybe I feel a lot of it. No, no, no, he needs to let go of me.

“Stop ing touch-“ The feel of cold metal on my back made me stop talking. He pulled y shirt down harshly and stepped back.

“Only you and I are on this mission as of now.”