April 7th, 2018 8:45:34 pm

“Why is he in here?” I watched from the glass door, making sure Junhong couldn’t see me. I could only see his face, how it had changed. He looked so much like KyungIl now, even with the fading silver hair. His jawline was sharper, his eyes were more trained. Junhong was a soldier now. Anyone could see that. The way he was looking both Youngjae’s up and down, looking for threats and how to handle them when he had his hands behind his back. 

He also just looked like my father. Our father. Exactly what the pictures looked like. Junhong as handsome, KyungIl was, my father was, it ran in the family. The height, the jawline, cheekbones. Everything Junhong didn’t have when I left, he has now. I couldn’t tell if he had formed any type of muscle, but no doubt he had. He grew up without me, and the evidence in front of me hurt me. That it took me so many years to realize I was being used. That the promises were fake. The blind loyalty was destroying my family. 

“He’s helping me talk to you. Someone else might come in too.”

“The officer? Tell him to stop asking me questions and I’ll welcome his presence.” Is this was I sounded like when I first woke up? When I surrender to the South? According to Jackson, Junhong hadn’t aid anything about asylum, but he had yet to give him option A, B, or C. They were waiting to see if he’d comply. I think they are also waiting for Mark to wake up. 

We were all waiting for Mark to wake up. 

“What is your relation to Yoo Youngjae?” Junhong’s eyes narrowed again. His voice was probably the thing that changed the most. It wasn’t as high-pitched or a soft anymore. It was forceful and deep, something of a soldier. Something of someone who knew how to command. That was my worst fear. 

“He made my life a living hell, why do you ask?” That wasn’t the answer Good Youngjae wanted and he moved to sit down next to the bed. Bad Youngjae was blocking Junhong from seeing me. 

“Anything else?” Junhong had the broken leg and was in a hospital gown, but he was the commanding force in the room. You could feel the anger radiate off of him when he looked at Bad Youngjae. I could feel it transfer to me.

“You want me to say her name. I’ve been told not to do that.” 

“Told by who?” Bad Youngjae asked this question.

“Yongguk.” I drew in a sharp breath and I could see Junhong’s eyes move. He heard, there was no way he hadn’t. 

“Is that her? You have her hiding instead of talking to me? Why? Are you afraid she won’t survive next to me? Yongguk said she was weak.” My hands curled into fists and I stood up, looking over to Good Youngjae, waiting for my queue. I needed to go in, not only to see Junhong but to see why he was acting like this. Why he sounded so much like Youngjae. 

“We wanted to know what you knew about her. What they said.” 

“She’s a traitor. Member of Alpha, left, found a that one fell in love with a traitor, and became a traitor. She isn’t loyal to the North; therefore I have to take her out. Now, I feel that I’m compromised. That’s Alpha’s main goal at the moment.” 

“Main goal?” Bad Youngjae asked the question I had, but Junhong only smirked. He smirked like they used to. He was like them. They made him like them. 
I can’t take that. 

I marched into the room and locked eyes with him. When I did that, all my anger disappeared. That was my brother. He was safe and sound. He was alive and here. My brother Junnie. 

“What is my name?” I asked in a whisper. I needed to know what they did to him. Why he was just like him. 

“Ex-Corporal Ri MeeYon.” It was curt and sounded memorized. There was no feeling at all. Not like he was seeing me after years of being apart. 

“No. What is my name, Junhong?” This time it was more forceful, and I was trying to suppress the feeling welling in my chest. 

He shifted so he was leaning more forward in my direction.

“Did I stutter?” It scared me how similar they were. How much he had turned into him in such a short period of being around him. They had changed my Junhong. 

“What did they do to you, Junnie?” It was shaky, and I know both Youngjae’s saw what was about to happen. Maybe it was a blessing that Bad Youngjae got to me first. 

“Yon-ah, it’s fine, we can try again later,” it was soft, and he had tried to engulf me in his arms, but I pushed away a little bit. He didn’t like that and tried to move more forward.

“Young-“

“-Get off of her.” I froze and turned my gaze to Junhong who had just directed anger at Youngjae. I don’t think he realized what he said, but as soon as he said it, he went back into the despondent character. 

“What did you say?” Bad Youngjae narrowed his eyes at Junhong, wither in an act to push reaction or in actual anger. I don’t think Youngjae liked being ordered around by Junhong, not with there history. It was just like if I said something back to him.

“I don’t…I didn’t say anything to you!” It was like he actually forgot. He blinked twice in confusion and then narrowed his eyes again. “What are you doing to me?” 

“Choi Junhong, who am I?” This time I stood right in front of him, so he could get a good view. My face hadn’t changed, my demeanor hadn’t changed, he had to remember.

“I…I don’t know…” 
__
I sat in the main lobby, holding the tea I had made. After Junhong’s words, I walked out. I couldn’t handle that they changed him. They beat me out of him. I couldn’t stand that, and I didn’t want to cry in front of him. So here I was, trying not to cry in front of a few elderly couples and some families with kids. Maybe this wasn’t the best place, but it would be hard to find me in a crowded place.

My phone had missed calls and texts from Bad and Good and Jackson, but I didn’t reply. They were just looking in the wrong places. I was in the general physician area on the other side of the hospital. It would take them another 30 minutes to find me, and that’s if I didn’t move. 

“Mommy! Kang-ah took my toy!” A 5-year-old girl had run up to the pregnant lady sitting 4 seats away from me. The father was reading something on his phone and the two kids were playing in the area with 4 others. The little boy with a bowl cut was her brother and he had just taken the dinosaur from her. The mom quietly explained something to the little girl, which made her smile again and walk back over to join the other kids.

I couldn’t remember my mom. KyungIl used to tell us stuff about her, but that was always from the point of view that he was the nephew. He never knew how she was as a mother. When Junhong would ask about her, I would always have to tell him how I forgot. How so many people could remark that Junhong and KyungIl looked like my father, but never said who I looked like. I guess it was assumed that a girl would look up to her mother and maybe people pitied me for not having one. Junhong had always talked about how he felt guilty about not knowing the person who gave birth to him. I always nodded and agreed, but deep down, I was worse. I forgot the person who gave me the most love and care in my entire life. I looked at the only picture I had of her and see nothing but me staring back at me. No memories would be of my mother, but just of an empty space, I felt as I grew up.

Sitting here, watching the little girl hug her mother, I felt that empty space. Sitting here watching the little girl play with her brother, even when mine was sitting up in a hospital room, I felt that empty space. Seeing the father talk to the mother, I felt that empty space. It was all just empty space.

There was only one person who wasn’t empty space. Who would know how to fill that empty space. Whether it be lies or not. Curiosity got it's held on me. 
Maybe that’s how I ended up sneaking outside in the rain, hailing a taxi. I knew I’d get yelled at later about it, but that wasn’t going to stop me.
____

“Excuse me miss, but visiting hours are over. Only those who-“ I flashed her my NIS ID and she stopped talking before handing me a book. 

“Just flip to the person you’re visiting and write your name down.” Three other names where there. 

Wang, Jackson. 
Tuan, Mark.
Yoo, Youngjae. 

What was interesting about the visits was that Youngjae’s was during our mission. The visit was also only 30 minutes. So, was it Youngjae that left or KyungIl that kicked him out? And what was it about? 

I added my name under Youngjae’s and handed the book back to her. She seemed tired and like it was almost time for her shift to end. That I disturbed her peace and as soon as I was handled, she could leave. She didn’t even check the legitimacy of my name or that my NIS ID wasn’t an agent’s one. Maybe that’s how Youngjae got in too. 

“If you sit over there, the guards will call you in when they’re about to bring… Song KyungIl out.” She sat back down an immediately reached for her phone. I had turned mine off because the constant calls and texts were becoming annoying. I just wanted some time to think for myself and the buzz in my pocket kept me from that. Maybe if I kept it on, I wouldn’t be here. This is what happens when I’m left to my own devices. 

I hadn’t even thought of what I was going to say to him. I just came here recklessly and now I was to deep in to leave. The lady at the counter wouldn’t like it that I left. I gave her a hassle for no reason. 

Jackson and both Youngjae’s wouldn’t like that I left the hospital at nearly 10 at night. As long as I ended up in my hotel room, I don’t think they’d wake me up to yell at me. They have to know I’m having a hard time with everything, good Youngjae especially. They shouldn’t be as harsh to me now. 

“Song KyungIl?” I stood up and followed the guard to the visiting room, down a dark hallway. 

“You’ll have about 45 minutes to talk to him unless you leave earlier. We’ll be monitoring your conversation along with the guard on the inside of the glass. If you would have come during visiting hours, we could have gotten you an actual room with a table to sit at, but now, since it’s not-“

“I understand. Next time I’ll make sure to come during visiting hours.” He nodded and pushed a door open. It really was like the South Korean movies and drama. An empty, barely lit room with stalls, each separated by a thin wall of wood. There had to be 5 or 6 in the room. 

“Sit in the first chair please.” I did just that, staring into a darker room. On the other side wasn’t wood, but an actual cage. The only way to hear was the holes punched into the plexiglass. I could hear when the other side’s door opened, and I knew he was being walked into the stall. What was I going to say? I came all the way here. 

“Song KyugIl, your visitor. You have 45 minutes.” His eyes widened, and it pained me to look at his face. It looked just like that face that told me he didn’t know me. At least this brother wanted to get to know me. 

“MeeYon…” He sat down, looking me right in the eye. He was searching for what I was about to say. I think he found that I had nothing, so that’s why he started asking the questions.

“How is Junhong? I heard that he’s in the hospital.” 

“Like you care.” I was childish and quiet like I was having a temper tantrum, but it just came out. It felt natural and his face lowered a bit. I remembered what Mark said about visiting him. 

“He also said that when he gets out in a month-and-a-half, he’s going to actively try to atone for what he’s done.”

“I do care, MeeYon, even if you can’t fathom that I, your older brother, care about you, I do. Both of you. You two are the only people I love in this world. It may sound cheesy and fake coming from me, but it's true.” I took a deep breath. He said he wanted my time. Time to explain. To tell me what really happened. Maybe, I would give that to him. 

“He was shot in the leg and has a cast on. Everything else is fine, except for the fact that the North brainwashed him. He states he doesn’t know who I am other than ex-Corporal and the person he was assigned to… to kill.” I still felt the need to hide my emotion around him. Like he couldn't see me weak... Like he was still the enemy. To me, KyungIl was on a line. Either he was on the bad side or the good side, my bad and good. I haven't decided where he'll end up yet, but I still hid from him. He was going to see a blank slate until I decided. 

“He didn’t recognize me either when they came to China,” there was a small smirk, something of a sad memory on his face, “And Yongguk paraded it around, knowing it’d hurt me. I’d be fine with Junhong cursing me out or hitting me. Something to say he knows who I am and can register what I did, but as soon as they walked into my apartment, it was like I was staring at a stranger.” I nodded and put my bag on the counter. He understands a tad bit of what I'm feeling, but he didn't endure all of that with Junhong He was only there for the good times before he made the bad ones.

“He even called me Ri MeeYon. Not even Choi, just Ri. And the look he gives you like he’s star-“

“-ring at a brick wall. That you, the person who was involved in half his life, is gone?” I looked up at KyungIl and then back down again. A little bit of anger came up again like I hated that he knew what I was talking about. I hated that, but I needed that. He understood. Of course, he did, he was my brother. 

My eyes widened at my own thoughts.

“You weren’t talking about Junhong there, were you.” He rested his head in his hand. 

“You didn’t come here just to have a conversation. Even if you don’t want to tell yourself, I know the real reason you came here.” 

“You were talking about me.” He nodded once and sat up again. 

“If I’m about to tell you. If you’re about to give me the time, then you have to agree to not interrupt with what you think you know. Everything you think you know about our father’s death is wrong. You can’t get mad or angry at me, because I promise you everything I’m telling you is the truth. Can you promise me that?” 

“I don’t trust you.” 

“I told Mark Tuan this story when he came. If you don’t believe what I say, fact check it with him. I know he’s someone you trust.” The last sentence was a bit bitter. How could you trust a stranger to someone who claims to have raised you?

“Your time starts now.”  I sat up straight and he took a deep breath before he began. 

“Who killed our father?” It was a question aimed at me, and from the circumstances, I knew I would get it wrong. 

“You and Youngjae’s father.” His mouth curled up again. 

“Partly true. If you were to ask me that question, it would be Youngjae’s father and our Uncle.” 

“Is that why he broke all contact aft-“He held his hand up. It’s almost like before. KyungIl would try to tell me a story and I would ask too many questions. He would put his hand up and say – 

“Quiet now, Yon-ah.” Something stuck in my throat and it was hard not to be thrown back into my memories. Not in front of KyungIl. Not now. 

“It was Chuseok when I was 17, you were 13. We all ate together at our house, including the Yoo family. This was also around the time when Father and Youngjae’s father confirmed that you and Youngjae would be married by 18. I spoke out against it when they had told Uncle and I thought when Yoo pulled me into his office that he was yelling at me about that. Then he started talking about how good of a young man I was and how when I enlisted I would go far with his help. He was talking me up, trying to gain my trust. He told me then that if I helped him now, he could get me into Alpha by 19.”

“He promised me the same thing.” He nodded again. 

“You’ll realize that they played both of us the same way. They knew what we cared about and used that against us. After Yoo’s talk, I felt some sort of need to impress him. Become the best in my class, go to pre-training sessions. You remember those months I’d obsess about the military… and then the letter was found. Apparently, it was one of my mother’s last wishes to give me the letter and Youngjae’s father had been looking at every possible weakness for ours. He knew our father would get higher than he would. He intercepted the letter and called me into his office again. This had to be early spring, before your birthday. I read the letter and in that time of emotional instability, he acted like he was here to help me. He told me that our father didn’t care, Uncle didn’t care, and that my family would never accept me because I was supposed to be in a labor camp. I believed him and started doing his dirty work. It was dropping documents here and there, giving messages, plotting. I had no idea it was to destroy our Father’s reputation. When he told me that I’d have to distance myself from you all, that’s when I started to second guess myself. After Youngjae started beating up Junhong, I was told I needed to help. That I should be angry that he took my spot as the son, but I couldn’t. He said if I didn’t do something, he’d reveal everything to the government and I’d be thrown into a labor camp. Then he started threatening you two. I could care less about our father, but it was you two that I was worried about. I had to do something to prove that I was on his side and had his loyalty.”

“Junhong’s leg.” He nodded, and I could see his knuckles get more and more white, gripping nothing but the air. 

“One thing led to the next, a tax document here, a scheming letter there, Father was under questioning with the government. This coupled with the time you had to flee to the North was unforgivable to the military, but he was still in favor with a few others. Youngjae’s father knew he had to throw his wild card and went to talk to Uncle. He showed him the letter, told him all about what I had been doing and how I could single-handedly take down our father. Uncle wanted Father gone and he had me. They wanted me to go up in trial and give my testimony. It was enough for everyone to want him dead. I wouldn’t do it at first, knowing what it might do to you. That’s when the final deal was struck. It may or may not sound familiar. I go to the military, get into alpha, and then leave for the South on a 3-year mission. If I complete it, my family and I get to go free. During that time, you two would be under protection from the North, go to school, go to college, and not have to go a single day in the military. You can see how that turned out, but I took the deal, being naïve. I went up, revealed who I was, in 2 days Father was killed, in 3, I was in basic training, never to see you two again until I found another North Korean spy who took the same exact deal staring right at me in Korea University’s main campus. Staring with that same look, like I was stranger.” 

“You were blackmailed.” I couldn’t look at him as years of guilt piled on top of me. He was blackmailed and here we both were, Junhong and I, hating him for saving our lives. 

“They wanted to kill you and Junhong as well, or maybe throw you into a labor camp with me, but that was the only part they did well on their deal. Every horrible thing I did, it wasn’t me being me. I take full responsibility for being naïve and that easily manipulated, but I just want you two to know that that person wasn’t me, but Youngjae’s father.” I was still looking down at my purse, thinking of how everything clicked into place. We always tried to think how KyungIl switched in just one day. One day he walked us to get ice cream with money he got from his job, the next, he wouldn’t talk to us. He pushed us away and yelled at us. We thought that when we found out what KyungIl did, how he went to the government out of anger and hatred and ruined our lives, that’s why that change happened. It was all because of Youngjae’s father. The didn’t team up out of convenience, but because he was forced to. If I had known that before, would I have had more time with my older brother? The first time we met, I wouldn’t have tried to kill him in the dorm room. 

“If it helps at all, the reason I was so mean to you at Korea was that I needed you to get to Himchan’s. I knew Mark was on your tail and that he’d kill you if he found out, so I needed you to get away from me, but still, be monitored. Himchan was going to help you seek asylum…but…” My head started to hurt with all this information and all of the memories threatening to pour out. I rubbed my temples trying to straighten out what real and fake. 

“Youngjae was also in on it. On everything. His job was to distract you from what was really happening when we were that age. He did enough at school for you two to be occupied by that.”

“Who wasn’t in on this?”

“You two were too young to understand, that was their reasoning.” So, everyone knew that my father was going to die except the two people it would affect the most. 

“I know this is a lot of information and I know that we aren’t going to back the way it was over 10 years ago, but you need to know the truth to go forward. Youngjae came to me and told me not to tell you he was involved. He said that he wanted to start again with you and that the past was the past. The past is the past, but it dictates the decisions we make in the future, so stay away from him. He’s the one that you need to leave alone and the one you can’t trust.” This time, I met his eyes.

“How do I know to trust you?” The door opened behind me and I knew he wouldn’t answer my question. Just stare at me as he was tugged back into his darkness. His eyes told me volumes, but I didn’t want to listen. I had done too much of it today. 

It was raining when I walked out, but people were still walking up and down the streets. It was only 10 on a Saturday, it was prime time to go out and have fun. I wasn’t having fun.

Youngjae knew all this time. KyungIl is practically innocent. I’ve been living my life thinking that it was KyungIl that ruined us, but it was Youngjae’s father. All of it was Youngjae’s father. Hurting Junhong, burning my garden, the rumors, and mistreatment. Junhong won’t believe it either. All this time our anger was directed at the wrong person. My heart hurt knowing what I had done and said to KyungIl. To my brother. The one who held me when I had nightmares. Who taught me everything I know. 

The line was back again, and KyungIl made a step closer to the good side. I wasn't ready to accept him fully, no, not yet. I didn't trust him fully and it was too hard to turn that switch right now. I was uncomfortable with him. Everything he did to us replays in my head when we're near. I can't not think that and revert back to the way it was. It would take time. I'd have to give KyungIl more time. 

And all these years. The years of being together and the years of being used, Youngjae never told me the truth. He would always lie to save himself. 

“Why am I surprised?” I kicked a pop can across the path I was on, thinking how Youngjae’s parents were here and alive living a normal, insanely rich life in Gangnam. It wasn’t fair. Life wasn’t fair. If anything in my 24 years, I’ve learned that. With my brother in the hospital, not knowing who I am. With my…with Mark in the hospital, in a coma, not knowing if or when he’d wake up. With my brother locked up in jail.
I sat down on a bench under a bus stop and my phone. 

Jackson: This is my last text before I leave you out in the streets. 
Jackson: Where are you? Please tell me before I lose my job.
Jackson: This is how Mark felt when I harbored you in my house. 
Jackson: HyeIn I will start tracking you, just answer. 
Youngjae: Where are you?
Youngjae: I’m going to go looking for you if you don’t respond. 
Youngjae: This is ridiculous. 
Youngjae: I swear MeeYon…
My Doctor: HyeIn where are you, please…
My Doctor: If Mark wakes up now, he will kill all of us, please. 
My Doctor: Youngjae already went out to look for you. He seems made. Hope he finds you ^.^ 
The last and most recent one was from Good Youngjae and it was a few minutes ago. 
My Doctor: HyeIn! Somethings wrong with Junhong PLEASE COME BACK!!