April 4^th, 12:05:38 pm

“You had to pick the short straw.” I set down the coffees and looked at the papers he had out. They were the print outs of the evidence the “Scooby Gang” had sent us. I had no idea what that was or who that was, but it was now the code name for that group of boys and YuRa.

“We have to do it at least once, let’s do it now when we aren’t doing much.” I sat down in the booth part of the table and the sun decided to show itself. Tuan didn’t want to sit in the sun, so he made me, but I didn’t mind. It’s been winter a bit too long.

“You shouldn’t have a problem, you’ve only slept a total of 4 hours over the past 2 days.” I rolled my eyes.

“Didn’t know someone was keeping track.”

“Something has to be bothering you. You usually sleep in every day.” He took a sip of coffee and I was tempted to kick him under the table.

“Khun just asked you to check your phone and see if you can identify what something is.  He wants a reply on here too. Say okay or something.” I pressed the tiny button on my earpiece.

“This is M2, I look at it and tell you.” I made sure to press the button off and reach for the phone I was given specifically for this mission. I was also told that after we were done, the gun, the phone, and the clothes were to be returned.

“What is it?” I showed Tuan the picture and he shrugged, “A gun?”

“A gun that’s only issued in the North,” I pressed the button again, “Hey, Khun, this gun is from the North, but it was discontinued a few years back, so it’d have to be someone who was sent here before, umm, probably 2014. Over.” I waited for Tuan to get my answer. Apparently, I only get Tuan’s messages and no one else’s. He said it was for when we had to “split off” from the group and actually finish the mission.

“He said that it was found next to a corpse the police picked up…in a dumpster. Killed two nights ago near that one bar YuRa talked about. Similar deaths too, found with the jugular split. He asked if you know of any operatives that could be an older looking person, mid 50s, and a scar along their eye?” I shook my head.

“M2. I know that I may be our wealth of Northern knowledge, but I only know the spies I’m connected too. Over.” Tuan huffed in laughter before picking up a few more papers.

“He said sorry.” I rolled my eyes and put my elbows on the table, resting my head in my hands. I couldn’t understand most of what Tuan was reading, but I answered his questions and got him coffee. I also had to remind him that I’m not his secretary and that I could help if I learned more complicated things. Then there was the occasional word both of us foreigners didn’t know and we have to send a picture to Youngjae who complained how bored he was every 30 minutes.

All I was doing was looking out the window, my heat skipping a beat every time I saw a tall, thin man. I guess reflecting on it now, I still had no idea what I was going to do when I saw him. If I saw him right outside the window, right now, would I cry? Would I be upset? My stomach was twisting at every question and every face that looked even the slightest way like his. I hadn’t seen him in almost 8 years, so maybe he did pass by and I didn’t notice it.

 Maybe he hates me.

I missed everything. Anything I promised him went out the window. It would be understandable to hate me. But it would kill me if he did.

“I can’t do my work when you’re looking like that.” I took my attention off of the outside and looked back to Tuan. The sunlight filtered at bit onto his face and made his concerned look a bit softer.

“Looking like what?” I took a sip of my coffee and welcomed the bitterness.

“Like someone stole all your pants so the only thing you can wear is dresses.” I think he expected me to laugh, but I didn’t. That made him more concerned.

“Seriously, I’ve never seen you like this. You’re just usually mad…not…” I shrugged and looked down at the papers again. There were pictures of Junhong and I felt like his face was burned into my mind. If he walked by that window, I would know.

“Is it about Junhong? Well I men it has to-“

“Mind your business.” It was a little harsh, but I looked back out of the window, so I didn’t see his reaction. I didn’t care. He just needed to read those papers and stop acting liked he actually cared. It sways me when Tuan turns into caring Tuan and wants to talk about things. I remind me of what Youngjae said even more. I didn’t need to think of things like that while on a mission about Junhong.

I blew a piece of hair out of my face and tried to shake all these thoughts. If I freaked out now, I’d be cut. If any of them besides Tuan noticed. I can’t afford to be cut from this mission. Not when Jun-

A hand put the piece of hair I was blowing behind my ear. I turned quickly to Tuan who dropped his hand slowly and rested his head on the other hand. It was quiet first, I had no phrase to yell at him. No “don’t touch me” or no “what are you doing”. I was just thinking how soft his hands were for someone who had to shoot guns at people. My hands aren’t that soft.

“I really can’t concentrate when you’re looking like that.” I was soft and low and made my heart squeeze. The lighting, the position, the way his eyes are looking. What mess have we got here?

You want him to care about you. To protect you and help you. Doesn't this sound familiar?

“Do we have any other places to go? I’ve been staring out this window for 3 hours hoping I would see something, and I haven’t.” I just brushed that whole situation under a rug. I can’t deal with that. Not on this mission. Not now. Junhong. No one else.

“We still haven’t gone to that restaurant. We can go now, for lunch.” I sighed.

“Yeah, lets go there. It’s our last day to observe.” I stood up and started to put some of the papers in my backpack. Tuan did the same, and we stood there in silence.

“If you need help learning more South Korean, I can help…you. I may not be the best teacher, but I had to go through the same thing.” This small talk isn’t the same as the others. We were both bothered by what happened. Bothered isn’t the right word, but we were.

“If we have time. You’re better than those classes they’re trying to force me to go to.”

“The classes you should go to if you want to know how to collect your paychecks from the NIS.” I shrugged and zipped up my bag.

It looked like it was going to rain outside. The sun had been coming in and out of the clouds and it had gotten hotter. I was thankful for having no sleeves, but nothing to cover my legs bothered me. At night it got cold too, so I was reduced to a shivering mess.

“The restaurant isn’t far from here. Probably 5 minutes to walk if it doesn’t start raining.”

“And if it starts raining?” He shrugged, and I noticed how he had a hoodie and jeans on in this weather.

“We duck for cover? I hadn’t thought that far ahead.” I shook my head and pointed to his hoodie.

“Isn’t it a bit hot? You also look like you have something to hide.” He laughed and stopped walking, put his backpack on the ground. I stopped too, and looked around us to see any reason, but he just took his hoodie off in the middle of the sidewalk. I blinked twice and quickly remember that I had never seen Tuan in anything but a button down. This white T-shirt was a good change. A good change.

“Is that better?” He stuffed his dog tags and an extra necklace back down his shirt and put the hoodie in his backpack.

“I didn’t expect you to strip in front of everyone, but now you won’t pass out, so I guess it is better.” He stopped walking again and smirked.

“I can strip more if you want me too.” I turned and started walking away from him, trying to hide the burning sensation in my cheeks. Why did he say that? He didn’t need to say that. Also, why didn’t I yell at him or…? What’s wrong with me today? Usually, I’d yell at him or say something witty back.

“Yeah, yeah, Youngjae shut it.” He caught up to me and I was curious what Youngjae said, but I wasn’t going to ask. I wasn’t going to say anything to Tuan until we got to the restaurant. Every conversation we’ve had today has ended like that, and that’s what I needed to avoid.

“Wait, what, where?!” He grabbed my arm and pulled me into the most crowded part, almost running and weaving through everyone.

“, he’s walking up.” My eye’s widened and I frantically searched through the crowd. Silver hair, silver hair, silver hair.

Silver hair.

He was walking right towards us, looking at his phone. He was dressed in a suit with a blue tie and had a briefcase slung over his shoulder. It was like the photos, but here we were, right in front of him. He didn’t even know it.

I stopped walking, my instincts to wait for him. Smile. Tell him that Noona was right here.

Tall, handsome, alive. I was overwhelmed at what I was seeing. There he was, silver hair, walking next to another lawyer, talking about something. The thing I wanted to see so desperately. The think I worked my whole life to see. 8 years apart. 

I was being pulled back into the alley against my will. I wanted to reach him. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to show him that I’m still here. Noona didn’t give up.

I fought hard, trying to rip the hands off of me. The hands that were pulling me away from him. I wouldn’t let them pull me away this time. I didn’t care who saw or what ing mission I would ruin. I wanted my brother. That last family member I have. I needed him.

“Did you have to go?” I looked down at him, my hands still messing with his hair. It was getting to long and I had no time to cut it. I’d have to give Youngjae’s mom the honor. I’d have to trust Youngjae’s mom. Something I just couldn’t do with the 12-year-old laying in my lap, telling me not to go.

“Yes, Junnie, I have to go. If not, they’ll hurt you. I can’t let them take more of my family.” He frowned and sat up.

“But they’re taking you from me.” It hit me hard. Harder than it had before. I was leaving him for the first time, “Who do I have now?” He was trying not to break. I was trying not to break. This was the last conversation we were going to have in a while. Years.

“Be strong and become a doctor. I did this so you could live, okay? Make friends at your new school and don’t let them get to you. You can do that.”

“I don’t want to. There’s literally no one for me here when you leave. Everyone at the school is going to know who I am and-“

“And you’re going to prove them wrong. You’re smart. You can do whatever you put your mind too. Don’t let anyone of them change that. I want to be at your graduation when you graduate first in you class.”

“You’ll be at my graduation?”

“I promise.”

“Junhong! Junhong!” It would have been loud and desperate if Tuan hadn’t covered my mouth with his hand. Tears were streaking down my face and I didn’t care who I was with. I just wanted my little brother back.

“I promised. I promised!”

“MeeYon, shh. They’ll hear you.” I leaned against the wall, my head looking up at the sky. The rain had finally decided to show itself at this perfect moment. I didn’t notice. I didn’t care. I just wanted to hold him and tell him everything was alright. That I was sorry I failed him. I couldn’t do just that. It was eating me slowly for forever, and now here is where I finally crack.

“Junhong! Junnie.” Tuan’s hand was muting me, and I didn’t care. I was wrecked. This was torture. I couldn’t get to him when he was so close.

“Do you know how Junhong is doing?” Youngjae shook his head as he looked down at me. He brushed a piece of hair out of my eye.

“I asked my father and he said that he was going to school, then coming back, shutting himself in his room on weekends. He seems to have no friends, but he’s 1^st in his class. I guess sacrifice is necessary.” I hummed, but Youngjae squeezed my hand.

“I’m sure he’s fine. Junnie’s strong.”

“It’s been almost a year since I’ve seen him. That’s the longest we’ve been apart.”

“You still write letters to each other.” He pulled the blanket up a little bit as a wind came. I turned over to lay on my stomach, resting my weight on my elbows.

“But I can never get what he’s really feeling in letters or what he’s going through. He writes what I want to hear.”

“Isn’t that what you do?”

“Shut up. You’re supposed to agree with me.” He laughed and laid all the way down.

“I’m just worried about him. What if he’s hurting? What if he’s lonely? And I’m not there?”

“MeeYon you need to stop yelling before someone see’s us. I can only quiet you a bit. If the wrong person hears us, we’re compromised. You know what happens if Taec or Khun finds out.”

“I promised him. I’d be there.” I gripped my hair in my hands, letting out another sob.

“You’re being commissioned to South Korea next month. We believe your training and experience will serve us well.”

“Officer Yong, permission to speak.” I cocked an eyebrow up, but allowed me to further my thoughts, “I will be missing my brother’s graduation. He’s top of his class and I promised I’d-“

“Is your brother more important than serving us? Remember the deal we made. This is all for the benefit of your brother.”

“But I promised…Sir.”

“No.”

“I promised him. I’d take care of him.” I gripped Tuan’s shirt, but didn’t look him in his eyes. I knew I’d get that look. The pity and concern I wanted but didn’t want. It couldn’t be from him. I hated him. The mission I failed.

He put his hands over mine, just staying there in some form of support. He still wanted me to shut up, but I couldn’t.

“Junhong replaced you in Alpha.”

I fell to me knees as soon as it started to pour. I didn’t have the strength to stand up. I couldn’t.

“I failed him.” Tuan came down with me, squatting. I was completely on the ground, a mess. I just wanted my brother.

“You didn’t fail him, MeeYon.” I gripped his jacket harder.

“He’s…he’s…I failed.” Tuan gripped my one of my hands and then put another on my cheek. I would have flinched away if I wasn’t completely drained. Yes, I didn’t lean into his touch at all. It wasn’t comforting at all. His hands weren’t all that soft…like they were before.

“MeeYon, look at me.”

“Look at me, Princess.” My stomach inwardly crumbled as the memories were attacking me all at once. I was losing air and my sanity.

“No.” It was soft and a whisper. His grip never tightened, but gently pushed my chin up. My eyes were still closed. I didn’t want more tears to leak. I didn’t want to look like a complete mess even though that’s what was happening. Everything was happing so quickly.

“You didn’t fail him. MeeYon, open your eyes for me.” I shook my head again and his touch got even softer… if that was possible. His hands are so ing soft. I leaned into it a bit more, gaining that warmth in the cold rain. That warmth that happened yesterday. Did I wanted someone to comfort me? Yes. It wasn’t like I cared who it was.

“MeeYon.” It was a small whisper filled with something that willed my eyes open. His eyes were what I suspected. Pity and worry. Something that I didn’t want. Something that I wanted. I just wanted someone to tell me that I’d get my brother back. That I could hold him again. To hold me like I wanted to hold him.

“It’s not your fault. You promised to save him and he we are, saving him. We’ll get him back. Trust me.” There is was. He knew what I wanted to hear, and he gave it to me and I don’t know why it made me start to sob again.

I didn’t know what I was doing, but it felt warm. My head fell into his shoulder and I started crying again. This time softer and muffled by his shoulder. One of my hands was balled up into a fist and I hit him lightly with each sob. I don’t know why he was so quick, but his arm wrapped around me while the other was still on my cheek.

What were we doing?

I wanted comfort and here he was…but giving into it? Holding me when… what is Tuan up to? What am I up to? I’m crying in front of the enemy. I broke down in front of him. And he’s comforting me and holding me in the pouring rain.

“Shh, it will be okay.” His one hand went to my hair and I ing stopped myself from doing anything. What was he doing?

“It’s alright, MeeYon. He’s fine. Nothing is hurt. Shh.” Youngjae’s hand went to my hair and I turned away, not wanting him to touch me. He was a part of this.

“MeeYon.”

“Tomorrow’s the planning stage and we need everyone. HyeIn has the most information on how North Korean spies do their work. We need her. I don’t get why you want to suspend her for this. I’m the leader of this mission, Taecyeon. It’s been 8 years since she’s seen her brother. Wouldn’t you react the same?” Tuan was almost in a yelling match in the other room and Youngjae hadn’t been able to start our impromptu session because of it.

“How do you know that she won’t freeze like that again. It could get her killed, you killed, any of us killed! You don’t want that on your back and neither do any of us. I have a family to go back home to Mark.”

“So, we’re just supposed to send HyeIn back home to no family and have her wait to see if we ed up or not because we have no idea what we’re doing without her?” Tuan’s voice was almost murderous and even I shivered. I hated when he used that voice, because he was actually intimidating with it. It was so different from the calm demeanor he had earlier.

“One more slip up, Mark. One more.” A door slammed a few seconds after that and I didn’t know who it was, but I didn’t want to know.

“These walls are kinda thin.” Youngjae was sitting across from me in a rocking chair while I was on the bed holding my cup of tea. He said he had to get in the zone and tea made him able to do that. The yelling, however, did not.

“I need to not do that again.” He pulled a face and drank another cup.

“I think that maybe or best option is to figure out how your flashback and dissociation are connected and combat those. Would you say that the things that cause you to not breathe correctly and almost pass out are the flashbacks?” I nodded.

“They’re so real and just add to the emotions I’m feeling at that time. I was angry and sad and each one just added to it.”

“Are your senses upheld when you have flashbacks? Do you feel someone touch you or pain or you touching someone else?” I shrugged.

“I think the emotions are so strong, I don’t notice it. I’m going to say probably yes.”

“And after the flashbacks, when Mark took you back here, you don’t remember up until you woke up from that nap.” My eyes widened.

“I didn’t even know I took a nap. Is that why I’m in this bed?” He nodded, and something made me swallow hard.

“That’s scary, not remembering a few hours. I… that’s never happened before.”

“You’ve probably never had such a triggering event like this. These feelings were being pushed back in your mind for 8 years and then they all come out at once. What we can do right now is knowing what to do when they happen and finding out what helps you ground yourself back. You said you had 4, what was the first one?” I put the tea down on the bedside table and looked up at the ceiling.

“It was the day I was going to be taken away for training camp. I promised Junhong that I would be at his graduation and I never was.”

“Second?” Youngjae. Bad Youngjae was second. This was the first time I’d actually be telling someone about the past.

“MeeYon, if you don’t tell me everything then I can’t help you. Everything you say, I keep in, and I mean everything.” I nodded. I understood too. It was just hard.

“I was talking with Youngjae about Junhong and what his father had said. He was top of his class but had no friends. He wrote letters to me, but they were all lies to make me happy.”

“I assume this was when you and Yoo were-“

“-Together, yes. Willingly together.” He hummed and set down his makeshift notepad.

“Do the other flashbacks involve Junhong or Yoo specifically?”

I nodded, “Yeah, most of them are. The only other people that have showed up are Alpha 54.”

“When’s the last time you talked to someone about what you experienced in North Korea? The hardships you faced, and I’m not talking about being interrogated by Mark or anyone, but actually sat down and talked about your true feelings about the situations.” He knew the answer to this question, it was obvious.

The screens stared back at me and my heart still hadn’t calmed. I replayed it. Over and over. The clip of Junhong walking towards us, Tuan pulling me, and Junhong walking right past. Every time I press rewind and start, my heart gets a little faster. My breath gets taken away. I was that close to him. So close. And I needed this feeling to go away.

I had a theory that if I watched this over and over again, the feeling would go away. The feeling of my heart ripping to pieces. My mind swirling with memories. Those ing memories that won’t go away.

Replaying over and over again.

Youngjae said that the way to get rid of it or to stop it, is to face them head on. I think now, it’s hitting me how bad that’s going to be. I have things pushed back in here from years and years ago. I don’t even know what I remember or don’t remember. It’s just the feeling of pain that’s reoccurring. I know the memories are bad, I know I hate them, but I’ve pushed them back so far.

Watching the clip over and over again would never help. I had to wipe a few tears as memories came back. They came and went, but this time it wasn’t in my nightmares. Things my brother went through played right before my eyes and in my head for their one-man audience. Every 5 or so replays a new one would come up and I’d have to deal with it like Youngjae told me to. Deep breaths, griping on to something that grounds me, repeating to myself where I was.

All night I sat here doing this. Maybe they would go away at some point.

“MeeYon?” I wiped the last tear that fell before pausing and turning to look at the voice. It was Tuan, but a very sleepy one. I looked at my watch: 2:45. It was time for night duty.

“I told Taecyeon he could sleep. Maybe to get on his good side. I’ve only been here for about an hour.” He grabbed a chair from the kitchen table, sitting on it backwards right next to me. I swiveled my chair a bit, so I could see his face. He had just woken up by the looks of his hair and his eyes were still bleary. He grabbed the remote I had and pressed play. This time, I didn’t watch the clip, no, it was burned in my memory. I watched Tuan’s reaction to what I had been watching.

“What did Junhong look like when he was younger?” It was a random question, and I think it was to kind of stray me away from topic, but without hesitation I took out the old beaten up picture and handed it to him.

“He was shorter than me in this picture, and his hair is dark brown, like our father. He looks like our father.” Tuan studied the picture, still facing me.

I hadn’t shown that picture to anyone.

“I’m sorry if this isn’t the right thing to say, but he looks a lot like KyungIl. Now. When I saw him today. I thought it was KyungIl for a second since they both had silver hair.” I shook my head and felt no intrusive nature of Tuan’s question. It wasn’t like the old ones with jabs and snarks at the end. He apologized before saying it. It wasn’t about me being related to the spy he captured or me being from the North, but a simple statement. I smiled lightly at that.

“KyungIl and Junhong look like a carbon copy of my father. I look like my mother. My father would say that I got my mother’s beauty, but his bad attitude.” Tuan laughed at that and handed me back the picture. I glanced at it for a few moments before putting it back in the inner pocket.

“This might also not be a good thing to say, but I went to talk to KyungIl before this mission because he seemed like he knew a lot, and…well…”

“Did he talk about us like he cared? He misses us?” Tuan shook his head and this is when I turned so I was completely facing him. I was curious to see what KyungIl said.

My opinions on him were conflicted. He still did what he did and ruined our lives, but he saved me and helped me… and there’s always that part of me that will remember when KyungIl was a father to me. It’s hard to forget someone who cared about you so much when you have so little of that in your life.

“He asked about you and how you were doing. He also asked if Youngjae had been taken care of, to which I replied no. I think that’s not the answer he was looking for. Then I asked him about Junhong and apparently, he’s been keeping tabs on you two since he got sent away. He’s had people help you and inside info, all of which he wouldn’t tell me. I asked him why he did that if all of the things I’ve heard from you were true, but he said that he had a lot of explaining to do and wanted to do it with Junhong and you.” Explaining to do. After he just ran away.

“He does have a lot to say. A lot to apologize for. A lot to make up for. I just don’t trust him like I used to.” Tuan nodded.

“He also said that when he gets out in a month-and-a-half, he’s going to actively try to atone for what he’s done.” There was a moment of silence where I must have gotten my common sense back and turned to look back at the screen that was playing other videos now.

“Why are we talking about this?”

“Well, when KyungIl said he’s trying to actively atone for what he’s done and about all the things he’s missed in your life, I realized how much I didn’t know about you. If I’m going to be working with you, I have to know about you.” Is this Tuan’s way of saying he wants to have small talk and heart-to-hearts?

“I know nothing about you, but what’s in your file.”

“And that’s something we need to fix. What’s your favorite color?” I rolled my eyes.

“What is my favorite color going to tell you about my life?”

“It’s not. I just want to know.” He smiled, and I couldn’t help but laugh at how ridiculous he was acting.

“It’s a very specific color. The light blue right after the sun hit’s halfway risen.”

“Mine’s just red because I like red, but that has a story behind in and I want to know.” He leaned forward in his seat.

“It’s the sight I used to wake up to every morning. I’d wake up with the sun and it was the time when everything was quiet, and I didn’t have to deal with the world.”

“I guess it did tell me about your life. Do you want coffee?” He stood up from his chair and I shook my head in disbelief. Why do I spill my guts to this man half the time and the other half I want to punch him in his?

“Put 1/3 creamer and then the rest coffee.” He made a disgusted face as he the big pot in the kitchen.

“That’s not coffee.” I rolled my eyes and he leaned on the kitchen counter looking at me.

“Yes, it is, I just like my coffee sweet and not bitter. I’ve had too many bitter things in my life to not enjoy sweet when it’s available.” He smirked again and this time I did have the urge to reach over and try to flick him. Which I did. He dodged.

“Too slow, Yon-ah.” I stood up from my chair, looking at how trapped he was in the tiny square lined with tile. Also, where did that nickname come from? It’s not that I didn’t like it, it’s just… It reminds me of when I was a child.

“Where did you get that nickname from?” He shrugged and leaned against the sink counter as I entered the kitchen.

“Maybe I heard it from someone and liked it. Why?” I reached out to flick him again, but he moved my hand and pushed me lightly against a counter across from him. This is now war.

“Only certain people can or have called me that. I don’t think you’re on that list, Tuan.” This time, he lunged at me and I ducked under his hand and used mine to push his shoulder. This made him almost go stumbling into the fridge. I laughed a bit too loud at hi face and a smile lit up on his.

“So, Choi can be on your list, but I can’t? Harsh considering he’s only known you for like a week.” I dodged an attack again and tried to get his forehead when he ducked down, but that sent me into the dishes, which I tried not to knock down and wake everyone up.

“Yah! Watch where you’re pushing me you idiot!” I whisper-yelled this at him, but he seemed not to care. That smirk was still on his face.

I couldn’t stop staring when he started to laugh. It was genuine, and he was trying hard to hold it in. To not wake everyone up.

In that moment, the image of Tuan holding his stomach with one hand and the counter with another, trying not to fall to the ground, hit me. He looked happy, with made me happy. That had to be what I was feeling right now. It had to be. I was 3 am, we were sleep deprived. That had to be it. Not –

“Yon-ah, he’s looking at you! Look!” I shifted my gaze up from the gun I was cleaning and locked eyes with Youngjae. Yes, he was defiantly looking at me.

I blushed a bit before looking back down at my gun. No, I couldn’t be feeling that way for someone I was basically sold off to. Well, it wasn’t sold, more like a mutual agreement. A mutual agreement that gave me a very good-looking –

“He’s walking over! He’s walking over! Oh-mo-ni, MeeYon! Didn’t you say you two were childhood friends? It’s like a fairytale.” I heard the boots against the rocks. He indeed was walking over. I didn’t know if he recognized me the way I recognized him. I also was yelling at myself because he was a when he left for service and left us. An absolute, hot, ing .

But, the military is known to change people for the better. I hope.

“Privates. No need to salute. I just need to talk to Ri, if that’s okay with her?” He wanted to talk to me. , he wanted to talk to me.

I looked up and smiled. Thank god I wore my hair down today. It was an off day.

“Sergeant.” I bowed, standing up from the ground. He grabbed my hand and helped me up. The tingling sensation in my hand didn’t go unnoticed.

“You can call me Youngjae for now, Yon-ah,” He smiled again, and I could defiantly see the military did him so much good. I smiled back, that feeling welling in my stomach.

“Okay… Youngjae.”

I blinked twice, and Tuan was still laughing. Was my mind telling me something? That memory was so specific.

A door opened and closed, and my gaze tore away from Tuan to a sleepy Youngjae, looking ready to yell at us.

“What the hell are you two doing? Fighting? In the middle of the ing night? I’m trying to sleep!” Youngjae looked over at Tuan’s laughing figure and his face changed. It was now not about to kill us, but like he wanted to interrogate us. Usually when Tuan and I fight, one of us has the other by the collar.

“Why is he laughing?” He lifted a finger to point and I shrugged. Youngjae squinted again before shaking his head and shuffling back into his shared room.

“I told you to be quiet!” I whispered at Tuan again, but he couldn’t stop laughing. He looked up and smiled again, and I smiled back. I couldn’t be mad when he looked like that, near to tears, clutching his stomach and complaining about the pain of laughter.

“You’re such a dork, Tuan.”

“A dork?! How did you learn that word?” He said it through even more laughter and his head went back, silently howling in laughter.

“That’s honestly so ing cute.” That’s when I stopped. He kept laughing, probably not even realizing what he said. He was laughing too much. That was my excuse.

I knew why my mind decided to show me that memory, and I had to turn it around right now.

Not him. Never him. It can’t be him. No matter how much I feel like I want it. It can’t be him.