March 22nd, 2018  D - 11

“Colonel, do we have to do all the pushups?” I glanced down at the private who was struggling to do his 15^th pushup. If he can’t even do 15 then how is he going to get through hell week?

“Since Private Yang doesn’t want to do his pushups, is there any Private who wants to do double? You’ll ha-“

“I will, Colonel.” I put my bottom lip, trying to keep my eyes from not rolling. Youngjae was done with his 50 and just sitting there. It’s not like I can say no, and I can’t say no to him, but I really wanted to throw a rock at him. For the last 2 days, he’s been nothing but a and has been questioning my authority. He knows I don’t have the power to do anything to him but give him pushups and make him run laps. He kept testing me. Seeing if I was getting bold or not.

And his words keep brewing in my head. Along with Tuan's.

He’s my Yongguk. But he promised. But Yongguk promised. But Tuan’s different. Is he really?

“Yoo, you have 100 pushups.”

“But Private Yang only had 35 more to go.” He said this with a smirk on his face. One that told me to move my chess piece.

“I know.”

“Colonel, I think your math is off.” My jaw tensed, but that look he gave me cut off my breathing. It was the sinister one. The one filled with… something that made me want to hide. Want to just do anything to make him go away. That hooded-

“Private Yoo, you were given an order and you are expected to do it. If Colonel Kim gives you 500 pushups, you do it.” Commander. I could breathe again.

“Yes, sir.” He went down to do his pushups, still giving me that look.

Someone get me out of here, please. Please.

“Colonel, you have a lunch meeting is Dr. Yoo’s office today. In about 5 minutes. I’m sorry I told you late, but you know how busy we are with hell week coming.” I nodded and started walking to the main building. I didn’t even notice he came with me until he spoke up.

“Colonel, if Yoo Youngjae is bothering you, you can dish out more punishment then pushups. He can easily be disc-“

“No, Commander, Sir. No discipline will break Youngjae. The best thing you can do is endure it. That’s what I’ve learned from being with him for my whole life.” His hand went on my shoulder and I would be lying if I said I didn’t flinch.  

“I don’t know anything about your role in Alpha or what went on. I only felt the bullet go through me. I also know that it takes strength and talent for someone to be in that position, whether male or female. Even if Yoo Youngjae was ranked above you in the North, this is the South. If you had that strength to endure it for so long, then I think you have the strength to knock Private Yoo down a few pegs and on his .” I let out one laugh, trying to fake that I understood what he was saying. It wasn’t just rank or the strength that I had. Yoo Youngjae was a part of the reason I needed to be that strong. That I developed that tolerance. You can’t knock someone down a few pegs if they’re one of the ones that crushed you entirely and made you feel lower than the dirt you’re supposed to knock them down on.

“That’s an order, Colonel. I’ll see you at the range after lunch.” I saluted him as he walked away and physically slumped when he turned the corner. Anyone can tell me that I can stop Youngjae or have power over him, but they don’t know how physically hard and taxing that is. They don’t know half of what they’re saying… The history of it all. I can’t just switch the power, not when we were born into it.

“HyeIn!” I straightened up and looked over at Youngjae’s door. Jinyoung waved at me rapidly before coming over to pull me into Youngjae’s office.

“It feels like forever since I’ve seen you. How long has it been?”

“Like four days.” It was monotone and may have cut off his mood.

“Oh, well. Having you around the precinct feels much better than the brooding of Mark Tuan. After you left all he did was frown at his papers and mutter to himself. If I was to say anything, I’d say he misses you.” Misses me?

“I doubt he misses me. I ha-“

“He yelled at someone for this first time yesterday. He only does that when somethings bothering him. Last time was the week before we brought you in. I think I can connect the dots well enough to know that whatever is bothering him is about you again.” This rare occasion of Jinyoung being serious is not what I need right now. I need someone to make a joke or lighten the mood as I’m about to walk into that room.

“What do you want me to do about that?” He shook his head.

“I have no idea, but usually something big happens and you two are cool again. Like last weekend. Hopefully, no one gets hurt this time or changed. With your hair, I didn’t know it was you until you were in the interrogation room.” I smiled a little bit, “I think this mission will change something. I mean, one, we get back your brother. Maybe you and Mark will like, realize things and be cool again.”

“Realize things?”

“You don’t know who I was quoting? Come on. Kylie Jenner.” I shook my head in confusion. Here’s the light mood I need.

“Hey, Jinyoung get in he… Oh, uh, you’re here. We can start now.” Tuan didn’t even look at me. He stared at the ground or at Jinyoung. That made me… mad?

“, I forgot we have another meeting after this. How long will this meeting be?” Jinyoung walked in, continuing talking. I decided to follow him and sit next to him. Or maybe the farthest away from Tuan I can.

Why is he making me feel like this? He’s the one who can’t mind his own business. We get Junhong, I take responsibility, and we continue with this overseer relationship. He needs to stop trying to make this personal.

But I did punch him. And told him that Junhong was like this because I didn’t kill him. And the promise. Is it void now?

“Kim HyeIn. If I knew you were a North Korean Spy… All this time? I must be getting bad at my job.” My mood went up when Chief Lee stood up in his chair. I liked him. Probably the one I like the most in South Korea. And, maybe, I missed going to work and talking with him every day.

“Chief Lee!” I tried to calm my excitement, “I didn’t know you would be here. I thought-“

“And you said you couldn’t kill a thing. That logistics was the only thing you could do,” He shook his head and tsked, “If I knew I had one of the most decorated operatives of the North in that chair… well, I would have turned you in, but that’s beside the point… Is there any way I can get you transferred back to my precinct? I know how to appreciate good work, better than Ahn.” This time I actually laughed. Chief Lee reminds me of my grandfather.

“Ahn doesn’t want me to go far. I could get him fired.” He laughed too and shot his arms out. I almost flinched, but I would be lying if I said I was afraid of Chief when he was only a few centimeters taller than me.

“Come here, I missed you.” He gave me a hug and he is the first person I can say that I’ve willingly given a hug to in the South. He just reminds me too much of my grandfather, the only man I respected.

Tuan coughed, and Chief Lee let go, making me sit next to him. Consequently, this was the middle and I was staring directly at Tuan, but of course, he was looking anywhere but me.

“Youngjae could you pass these out?” Tuan handed him folders and Youngjae walked around passing them to their designated person. He got to me and stopped, not handing me mine.

“Can I have it?” I reached my hand out and he still didn’t hand it to me.

“I’ll only give it to you if you talk to me afterward.” I rolled my eyes. He and Tuan had childish games.

“I’ll talk to you, I just want my folder.” He nodded and handed it to me before going to sit back down. I opened it and it seemed to have the same material as the envelope in Tuan’s car. Only one thing was different – pictures. Of Junhong.

I pulled them out quickly, looking at his condition. His hair wasn’t grey anymore, it was dark brown, and he was wearing a suit.

“He’s so tall now.” It was a whisper, but Chief Lee heard it.

“He looks like you… and your other brother.” If it were anyone else, I would have snapped at them. Saying KyungIl had nothing to do with us, but it was Chief Lee. It was soft and like someone looking at an album of family pictures. He was also right. We look too much like each other. Anyone could point that out.

The other pictures were of Junhong in Hongdae or eating places. There were no pictures that seemed to have an underlying North Korean presence. He looked normal in these pictures. I liked it.

“This is the target of extraction. Lee Junhong, Kim HyeIn’s younger brother. He has been spotted in Hongdae and Gyeonggi-do. Gyeonggi-do is where he puts on his front. He’s quite a successful lawyer at Gyungpyo firm and he’s built up a reputation. When he goes to Hongdae, he’s there on missions from the North. We don’t know what he’s assigned with, but we can suggest he has HyeIn’s old appointment of infiltrating and assassinating top personals in the government. His law firm works in relation to the Blue House. I think they had a relation in Park GeunHye’s case. Our job is to get him out and try to use HyeIn to get him on our side and let him seek asylum. Do we have any objections to this? If so, you leave this room, never talk about this information to anyone ever again, and go about your day.” It was silent. No one got up and left. My heart did something. Everyone here wanted to help get Junhong out.

“Good. Turn to the first page and we’ll talk about assignments. First, we will be in Gyeonggi-do for a week, tracking his every move and seeing what other North Korean activity there is. On the last day, the 7^th, he will be going to Hongdae on the train. We grab him there and HyeIn does her part in bringing him in. We can only assume that there will before other North Korean spies there as there was in HyeIn’s position. Assignments are as followed, each in pairs. Jinyoung and Youngjae will be on rooftop monitoring as well as trying to find more North Korean’s. We’ll need your shots if we’re in trouble. Nickhun and Taecyeon, you do what you always do. Analyze and plan, you’ll be talking to all of us in an earpiece. Every move is tracked and mapped by you. Every prediction goes through you. An everyday thing should be easy. HyeIn,” He even sighed after he said my name. Like I was the burden. “You’re with me. We’re on the ground, tracking and following Junhong’s every move. We might have to get our hands dirty as well, but that’s my job. Junhong will be your responsibility.” It was a stab, it really was. The way he said it told me he didn’t like it. It was like snake venom. It was another version of “Next time, I’ll let you die.”

“After we grab him at the train station and taking him to our zone, it’s up to you on what we do. He’s your brother, I think you’ll be able to convince him. We’ll all be our backup and then we’ll get back to Seoul that night, hopefully with a compliant Junhong.”

“And if he isn’t compliant?” This was the first time he met my eyes and he seemed surprised that I even asked this question.

“We’ll tranquilize him and hold him in a cell and well try again. Hopefully, you’re convincing enough.”

“What happens after we get back?” His gaze didn’t falter.

“He’s your responsibility. And his own. The NIS will wash our hands of him unless he wants to be apart like you did.”

“Stop talking about my brother like he’s a problem.” Tuan rolled his eyes. He had the audacity to roll his eyes at me.

“It’s not my problem what he does after we get him back. My mission is to extract, not babysit. You don’t need me to take the responsibility.” My hand went into a first, the bruised knuckles becoming evident. I think that’s when people in the room noticed how perfect the bruise on Tuan’s face was compared to my hand.

“You’re right, I don’t. I can handle my brother myself. Remember that.” He sighed again and went on to explain our moves throughout the days in Gyeonggi-do. I didn’t pay attention to anything he was saying, I was just cursing him out in my head while gripping the arms of my chair.

“Is everything approved by you, Chief Lee? Nothing out of order?” Chief moved in his chair next to me, surveying the pictures of Junhong.

“My only concerned is your safety. Last time we tried this, we had a good man shot. I would want to know how many others there are before you go in. If you’re outnumbered by more than a 2:1 ratio, we need to call in more people to help. In every one of these pictures, he seems to be with someone. Have you identified them?” Nickhun was the one to speak up.

“In the first picture of him walking with the briefcase, he’s talking to a lawyer high up in the group. We investigated him, and he doesn’t seem to be connected to the North at all. The other man in the park is North Korean, but he’s already sought asylum. We haven’t confirmed if Junhong killed him or if he’s betraying us.” Junhong killing him. The thought makes me shiver. My brother turning into as much of a monster as I was. Killing innocent people.

“What about the three others? Do you have any confirmation on their identities?” Nickhun shook his head.

“We don’t even know their names. Taec and I were going to ask HyeIn after this meeting, but if you can it now…” I looked at the pictures, two in a noodle shop and one in sitting in a park. The noodle shop was so blurry, I could only pick out blonde hair… but…

“The noodle shop ones are way too blurry, but I know I recognize this person. I’ve had to see them somewhere. And if they’re with Junhong, they’re high up. Himchan was my overseeing officer while I was here. That could be Junhong’s. The park picture… I don’t know that person. They seem older though. If he is from the North, he’s been here long. They don’t send older operatives to do their dirty work.”

“There are lots of pictures we have with the blonde guy, but they’re all too blurry. He hides well in every situation. If he’s up in rank then that might be why.” Taec wrote something down on his notepad and Tuan closed his folder.

“If there’s nothing else to discuss leave your folders on the table and I’ll dispose of them. Meeting adjourned. Next time we’ll see each other, it’s a car ride to Gyeonggi-do.” Everyone got up and started leaving. I knew I had to stay and Youngjae gave me the look of Keep your in that chair.

“So, are you and Tuan going to finally be partners?” I turned to Chief who hadn’t made any move to leave his chair.

“At this rate, I don’t think so. I won’t be transferred, but I doubt I’ll be partnered. I might not even be a field agent with my rep.”

“I’ll bid for you, when it comes up.” My eyes widened. He was serious about wanting me to be back in his Unit.

“Chief, I don’t know wh-“

“I recognize talent better than Ahn does. I’m the one who convinced him to give Mark a chance and now he’s Ahn’s best. Ahn wanted to keep Tuan in M18, but I knew better. I also know that you have to be partnered as a North Korean and if no one will bid for you in Unit 1, then Unit 3 has a place for you. Ahn will keep you down, but I like you Lee. There’s just something about you that-“

“-makes us want to see HyeIn thriving. I think that’s a common theme. I don’t want to ask you to leave Chief, but HyeIn and I have a meeting and she only gets a certain amount of time before Commander wants her back.”

“Sure, Choi. Tell your father I said hello. He rarely comes to the gatherings anymore.” Chief stood and Youngjae laughed. I didn’t know much about Youngjae besides the basic doctor, son of a doctor, deadly with a gun, friends with Tuan.

“My mother won’t let Dad go because she thinks all of the drinking will ruin his liver. It’s not good if a surgeon has medical problems like that. I’ll make sure he gets out this Friday.”

“Good. GiKwang is the life of our party. I’ll leave you to it.” Chief ducked out of the door where Tuan was standing, the envelops collected.

“Bye Mark. See you on Monday.” That was Youngjae forcing Tuan to stop staring and walk out the door. It took him another minute to do that.

“What did you say this time?” I blinked twice and Youngjae went to sit down at his desk. I slip my chair over to my usual spot and put my feet up.

“What do you mean?” He reached for my folder inside his desk and got a fresh piece of paper. His feet joined mine on the desk.

“When he came in on Tuesday he was mad, but he didn’t tell me why. He just said your name a lot and the word responsibility. The rest I couldn’t make out because it was in English.”

“Well, he threatened to not let this mission continue unless I talk to you and actually talk. No bull.” Youngjae seemed shook and tilted his head a bit, trying to wrap his head around this.

“So… You’re going to tell me things now because Mark threatened you.”  I shrugged.

“Maybe. It depends what you ask. He said I had PTSD.”

“Well, that’s true. I have officially diagnosed you with PTSD. I’ve had Mark explain to me your other episodes, and witnessing one myself, I’m 100% sure that’s what you have. Usually, when working with soldiers, it's 8-16 sessions. I like to find out what best works for my patients. There’s Prolonged Exposure therapy that makes you talk about face the negative feelings and traumas and helps you gain control. You do some things that you’ve avoided after the trauma. Cognitive Processing Therapy is similar, but it helps you reframe the negative thoughts, evaluate, work with, and change them. Lastly, there’s Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. This helps you process the memories and helps you start to heal. We won’t start today, but after we get Junhong back. I think it will help if you have that security while we’re doing this.”

“PTSD.” It echoed around in that back of my head.

“It’s a very normal thing for soldiers to have. I also expect yours to be deep-rooted from a young age. If you can, today, tell me about your life, and what you think might have caused this trauma. If anything is too much to say or calls back a memory, you can stop.” I took a deep breath.

“Is this what Tuan did when he first came to you?” He sat up, taking he feet off the desk.

“How do you know about Mark?”

“He told me. He was your first patient after the forces and he had PTSD. He didn’t realize his spiral until he almost died.”

“Mark was…was broken when he came to me. Literally and figuratively. He hid everything he saw and everything that happened to him inside. He would’ve gone crazy if he didn’t come to me.”

“He told me that, yeah. He also said that he didn’t want me to end up like him.”

“And your reply?”

“To mind his damn business,” I mumbled this, but Youngjae heard. There was no laughing.

“What did he say after that?”

“That my business was his business. And that he can take responsibility for my brother while I work on me.” Youngjae turned around in his chair once.

“He’s right. Maybe not about full responsibility, but to take off that burden you’ve had for years and try to work on yourself.”

“My brother is not a burden.” He held his free hand up.

“I never said he was, I said that you need to take that need for responsibility off your shoulders. That need to care for everyone but yourself. When was the last time you did something for you?”

“What do you mean?” Running out of Tuan’s house, maybe? Rock climbing?

“My ex-girlfriend and I used to get into fights and she’d have self-care days after. She’d get her nails done, get her hair cut. Maybe, she’d go buy a new dress. The last time, we had a big fight and she bought a new car. That’s doing something for yourself. Maybe even taking a nap. Something that benefits only you.”

“Rock climbing?” He sighed and shook his head. That wasn’t going to work.

“Tell me your relationship with your brother.”

“I love him probably the most out of everyone in the world. I’d do anything for him. I had to help raise him because my father thought he was the reason my mother died.”

“So, you feel the need to protect him any way possible.” I nodded.

“Who protects you? When you were little, who raised you?” It was a shaky breath and a bad thought.

“KyungIl, my older, illegitimate brother who I thought was my cousin growing up. My father was away all the time, so KyungIl would watch us, along with my Aunt. That was until he found out that he was really my brother, then he Junhong and I.”

“And KyungIl was the reason your father died?”

“I don’t know the true reason my father died. They say treason. I think it was because Youngjae’s father wanted my father's position. I also believe KyungIl snitched because his mother was a woman in a labor camp.”

“Did you see your father killed?”

“All three of us did. We were forced to.”

“And do you see that in you flashbacks? Dreams?”

“No, I see my time in the military. Alpha.” Saying that word sent a shiver up my spine.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Thursday, March 29^th, 2018 D-4

It scared me. How close we were to getting Junhong. How close I was to touching him for the first time in 8 years. Talking to him.

The light in the room was still on, but everyone was sleeping. Only when Sergeant Young comes back and turns off the lights will I not be able to see Junhong’s face. I don’t know if Tuan noticed when I took the picture of him sitting n the bench, sun shining down on his face. He looked so peaceful. So normal. He looked like a guy waiting for his girlfriend. I was so close to giving him that.

“Colonel Kim?” I looked up. Sergeant Young was here.

“Sorry, I’m going to b-“

“No, Yoo Youngjae wants to talk to you.” Her voice was cautious and she had every reason to be. I feel that she could sense it. Something between Youngjae and I. She told me once that she had been in an abusive relationship and I didn’t know what she meant by that until she would stop Youngjae from talking to me. She would try to organize me to be with the women. Up until today, I hadn’t talked to Youngjae and I had her to thank for that.

“What do you advise Sergeant?” I stuffed the picture under my pillow and stood up.

“I’d say no, but I know you want to go for some reason. It’s also hard to say no to Youngjae for you. I understand.” I stood up and walked out, making sure Sergeant didn’t follow me. There was Youngjae, leaning on the outside door, dressed in joggers and a hoodie. I wondered what Youngjae I would get today. The ‘I care about you’ or the ‘I’m doing this because I care about you.’ Either one, I was scared of.

“Wanna walk outside?” It was interesting that that was a question and not a command. Nice Youngjae.

“I don’t have a coa-“ He lifted his sweatshirt above his head and tossed it over to me. Under he had just a white T-shirt.  

“Put this on.” Still not a command, but a strong suggestion. I followed. It was warm, and I was thankful. Spring still hadn’t come yet, and it had to be almost 0 degrees outside. The sweatshirt wasn’t as warm as Tuan’s was though.

“Why did you want to talk to me?” We began to walk around the track and I remembered the last time we were here.

Stay away from Mark Tuan. Don't let him touch you, don't talk to him unless you have to.

“I saw that Mark didn’t come today or last Tuesday. Did you make him mad?”

“I guess. Maybe he’s busy. I don’t know much about his schedule.”

“It’s just interesting that he just didn’t come this week. Did you finally take my advice?”

“Advice?”

“To not talk to Mark. He’s going to get you killed or hurt, just like Yongguk did.”

“No, I ju-“

“-Do you remember when we used to have our walks like this during training camp? We’d just meet up at 2 and go outside. Talk about life. What changed that relationship?” Why is he reminiscing at this point? He knows what changed it.

“Alpha. You changed when we went to Alpha.” He laughed a little and I stare at my feet. The sweatshirt was cold now, but it still smelled the same. The same wood after rain and a hint of dirt.

“When someone got in the way.” Someone got in the way? He can’t be..., “Yongguk. You wanted him, not me. You are always attracted to the strong, silent ones. I tried to be that for you, but it didn’t work.” What is he even saying? He became a , so I would like him? He did that to me all for… for this?

“That makes no sense. You became that, so I would like you?” He laughed again, this time hollower.

“It sounds ridiculous when you say it out loud, but I was young and in love. I saw the girl I loved shift to someone else and I knew I had to try everything to get you back. That’s why everything happened, why I stepped back. You needed to realize what was good for you. So, you would come back to me.” This makes no sense. No sense. So why am I believing this crap?

“You realize that I hated you because you changed? Because you became cold and distant. Because you became manipulative and –“

“Now, Tuan’s coming in and doing what Yongguk did. I don’t want you to get hurt again, to go through that again.” What he’s saying is making no sense, MeeYon. He’s just trying to convince you of something. It doesn’t make sense.

“Tuan isn’t coming in and there is no us anymore, Youngjae. I feel that I’ve made that very clear. There isn’t a relationship beyond friends anymore.” Why do I feel like these words have no power?

“MeeYon, I need you to listen. I did this-“

“No, Youngjae. I don’t want to be with you anymore. I don’t know why you’re bringing up old wounds right now. Tuan is nowhere in this picture. This is a different place, a different time. I’m older and I can’t be manipulated anymore.”

“That’s exactly what you said to me about Yongguk. When you loved me. He wasn’t in the picture.” I gained some confidence.

“Youngjae, why the are you bringing this up?” I was about to turn away, but he grabbed me. He grabbed me in the way where I knew it was the real Youngjae. Not his Youngjae that reminisces about love and what could have been, but the Youngjae that wants me to latch onto him and only listen to him. To be his plaything. To be his. The old Youngjae. The actual Youngjae. The possessive, manipulative that always seems to get under my skin. To know what to say at that moment to make me rethink everything I’ve ever done up to this point.

“I’m in love with you.”

I didn’t take any more steps but went numb. I couldn’t tell that there was a lack of feeling in his words or that they were to just manipulate me further. All I thought was that that was the first time he ever said that to me. That a little tiny part of me finally jumped up. The one dormant for years. The one that was trapped behind all of the “why can’t you do this?” and “you’re useless.” I needed Choi or Jackson to slap me and bring me back to my senses, but they weren’t there.

“Why are you crying?” I didn’t realize that I was, and I didn’t know which side of me was crying. Crying because I’ve had enough of this manipulation and this is what finally broke me or crying because I was happy in some way.

“I hate you.”