The light was too much for my eyes to handle at first, so I shut them as soon as they were opened. I was lying down, the monotonous beeping was in my right ear, and blood was rushing from my toes to my head like ants. The rushing got too loud, I had to clutch my head, making me notice the drip that was attached to me. Dehydration? 

"So you knew, but you didn't tell me?" 

"I didn't think you would care about it...and you were too busy yelling at her for me to even get a chance." 

"Of course I care! I...I mean, if she gets hurt I'm going to be on garbage duty." 

"Agent Tuan sounds unsure of himself." I jumped up and looked to my left, away from the voices. I've seen him before. 

"Don't sit up too fast or you'll pass out again." He had the army uniform on with the contrasting white lab coat. Doctor? It didn't register.

"I know...you?" He nodded and I gripped my throat. The words burned through it like a wildfire. 

"You do, but before my military service. I was in the President's cabinet for my father - medicine. That's why I'm here." He gestured to the small room with cots lining the walls. There were 3 others here.

"What happened?" He walked around to check my drip and looked me right in the eyes. 

"You tell me what happened, the other side of the curtain seems to have differencing opinions." 

"Dehydration?" He shook his head. 

"That's your first guess. You have two more." 

"Heat ?" 

"It's March. Last guess." 

"I was sitting too long."

"Now you're not even trying. Can I ask you a personal question?" He pulled one of those wheel stools and sat down on it, putting his clipboard on his knee. He looked a lot older than he did when I saw him last. How many months has it been? December to March. 

"How personal are we getting, can I sit up?" He nodded and I put my elbow down, lifting my body slowly. He put a pillow down for me to lean against and I noticed the bad hospital gown.

"What day is it?"

"Friday. When was the last time you menstruated?" It clicked them.

"Malnutrition?" 

"Ding. Ding. But seriously."

"I," I don't remember, "Sixteen?" His eyes widened. 

"That's... probably... You're 39 kilograms and 60 inches tall. You have 9 percent body fat and a BMI of 17. Passing out for the first time now is incredible. When's the last time you ate? And by ate I mean had a whole balanced meal." 

"I eat every day." 

"Private Yoo states that he's never seen you eat more than one piece of meat and three spoonfuls of soup. Sitting down to eat and actually eating are two different things. Your lunch is coming soon and I've commissioned someone to watch you eat everything. After that, we can talk about things." He got up off of the chair and opened the curtain surrounding me completely.

We locked eyes and I've realized we've been in this position more than a few times. More than I wanted to be. He stopped talking to Jackson completely and started walking over to where I was.

"Agent Tuan, you'll have to wait till I clear visit-" He pushed past Youngjae with his shoulder with so much force, he almost knocked him over. 

"Mark, the hell." So Youngjae knew Tuan too. Well, who doesn't? 

He put both feet inside and grabbed the curtain, closing it. That same guilty feeling came back again, but this time it was intensified. We were alone. Not in a space sense, as Jackson and Youngjae were right beyond that curtain, but alone as in, we were focusing on each other and no one else. Who was going to speak first? We both knew why I was sitting in this bed, but we probably had different views on the causes. Or maybe he was going to yell at me again, this time for not eating. He sighed and pulled over the tray next to my bed, putting it over my lap. The lunch bag he had brought his food in was placed on the table and he ped it, pulling out more things that he usually has. I made no movements, as he could be waiting to yell at me. Why was I waiting for this? Can I get up? Why didn't I want to get up? 

Tuan took out all of the food and had to put some on the non-moving table to accommodate it. Was he eating all of this? Was this for Jackson too? He put to bowls of cold noodle on the table, mixing vinegar and mustard in one of them. The second one he only put little chili flakes in. 

"Jackson likes mustard in his noodles." Tuan looked at me and shook his head. 

"This isn't for Jackson, it's for you. You," He pointed his chopsticks at me, "have to eat all of this with me. Then we talk. Pick up your chopsticks." I stared at the bowl of noodles. How did he know I only like chili flakes? Did he bring food for me? He hadn't brought food before. 

"If you wait, the noodles will get soggy." I looked in his bowl...Soggy? The noodles....don't.... I picked up my bowl and put it on my lap so I could inspect it. Buckwheat. My noodles were buckwheat. I locked eyes with Tuan and I saw his eyes soften as he looked at mine. Did my expression look like that? And when did he ever give me looks like that? He's been yelling at me for the past 2 days. 

"Why are you crying? The noodles will get even soggier." I brought one hand up to my face and I was, indeed, crying. I was crying over a bowl of noodles Tuan had bought me. He bought me food. Noodles. Noodles different than his. Noodles that I haven't eaten since... Since I came to South Korea. Shaking my head, I picked up the chopsticks and began eating them. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Tuan waiting for my reaction. What do I say? 

"It ... reminds me of... of home." 

"Good, I had to drive an hour to get them. It's only 30 minutes away from here though. Maybe on your break, we can drive back that way and get more." I ate slowly, making sure I took in the taste of home. I also noticed small drops of tears going into my soup.

_______________________

There were still 10 dishes left over, but my stomach couldn't handle any more food. I wasn't used to eating that much... or at all.

"I'll just give those to Jackson when he comes back. Are you ready to talk now?" I was staring down at Kimbap and hoped that if I didn't talk we wouldn't have to talk. Well, I wouldn't know what to say. He'll ask why and I'll say I have no idea. It won't be much of a talk. 

"Look, I talked to Yoo and he told me that you haven't eaten much since you lived with him and since the military. I know you aren't doing this purposely, but out of habit. But bad habits are just that, bad. You need food to function. You need food so you don't pass out. What happens if we're trying to get your brother and you pass out because of dehydration and malnutrition? I can't have you out with me on a mission and then you just collapse. I'll make a deal with you if that's okay." 

"A deal?" I still haven't looked up at him. 

"Get into a healthy weight and I'll get your brother." My head snapped up and I searched in his eyes to see if he was joking. He would never help me like that. So simply. I'll get your brother. Two things were wrong with this deal.

"No." His eyes hardened. 

"You're eating or you're being put on medical leave." 

"We're getting my brother." He leaned in, trying to hear what I had to say to his remark. What witty line he had to come back at me for.

"Say that again."

"We're getting Junhong. Not just you." 

"Deal." I was confused. That was easy. There was no catch. Next time, I'll just let you die. There had to be a catch. The curtain opened and Youngjae and Jackson walked in. Tuan slid back into the corner of the curtained room and Jackson looked down at the table with the food on it. 

"Mark, I wanted some food too." Tuan didn't answer him but stayed silent. He was back to Agent Tuan with Youngjae in the room.

"Alright, Corporal Kim. You can go back to the barracks, it's almost time for your troop's meeting. If I have you back in this bed for the same reason, you're going on medical leave. I can't pass a soldier who can run without passing out. Also," He handed me a slip, "I'll see you every Monday from now on. Give this to Commander Kim."

Corporal Kim Hye In will report to Doctor Choi Youngjae on Mondays at 1400 for psychological reviews. This has been approved and mandated by General Surgeon and Head-Medical Im KwangYi. 

I stuffed the paper in my pocket and Youngjae moved to take the drip out of my arm. 

"I thought you were the son of a doctor."

"Most kids follow in their father's footsteps." 

"I barely knew my father." I was a split - second comment that made to rooms atmosphere go from bad to worse. 

"Those are the types of things you should tell me on Monday."

"Those are the types of things you should tell people in general," Jackson mumbled. 

_________

"Corporal Kim, nice to have you back. The rookies were too happy for my taste." I nodded to Kim and took a seat near the wall.

"3 weeks from today you will be let off for a 1-week break,  but if you all work hard enough next week, Commander Park and I have been granted permission to let you all have a three-day weekend to go home or do whatever you want."  There were cheers, but I was looking down at the floor, trying to not let Youngjae know I knew he was looking at me. Well, no, I was just not trying to look at him because then I'll have to explain myself.

"That is all. Tomorrow we will be having rifle testing on accuracy and build. Dismissed." I didn't get up from the chair hoping the crowd of the rest of them moving would cover me from Youngjae. The bad Youngjae. Obviously, this wasn't going to work.

He walked up, his boots in my vision, and said, "Outside." Even if we were in South Korea, and even if I ranked about him here, I followed. These ranks here meant nothing, and I wasn't going to start anything in front of anyone here. We walked outside onto the track and I was just waiting, waiting for him to come at me. I'm so used to this by now. 

"I'm not going to pretend like I care that much when you already know my stance on this issue." 

"It's my fault I'm like this." He nodded and put his hands in his pockets. 

"It shows weakness. You can't afford that. You were weak in the North and look what happened." My mind was spinning. This is how he manipulated me last time, and I can recognize this, but why am I believing him? Because it's true. 

"What do I do?"

"Stay away from Tuan." That struck something in me and I started shaking my head. 

"No, no I can't. He's helping me get Junhong back. I can't-"

"I don't think that's why you can't stay away from him." Youngjae stopped walking and turned to look down at me.

"You think he cares about you don't you. You want him to care about you. To protect you and help you. Doesn't this sound familiar?" Yongguk. 

"Y-Y-"

"You wanted Youngguk to care about you, to protect you as a leader. And he didn't, did he? I did and then I left. Mark Tuan is your Yongguk now. Are you really going to let him manipulate you? Making false promises just to exploit you? Remember Tibet? What if that happens again and I'm not here?" I shook my head again. 

"Tuan cares. He brought me food today and he cares that I got hurt." 

"Are you sure he cares? Yongguk brought you food and clothes, Daehyun taught you most everything you know, and Jongup gave you first-aid and took you on trips with him. Then what did they do to you, MeeYon?" I was twiddling my thumbs nervously, looking at the ground. I can fight the South-persona of Youngjae, but not the one from the North. The one from the North, he did so much - no he left you, he didn't care - no he saved me from-

Youngjae grabbed my arms and held me straight as he took a step forward. There was a centimeter of space between my head and his chest. 

"I'm the one who cares for you MeeYon, that's why I'm telling you this. Do you think I would be saying all of this if I didn't care?" His voice was soft and I shook my head, no. Youngjae did all of that because he cared. 

"Look at me, Princess." I seized up and my eyes stayed staring at his chest. Help, someone help. I couldn't yell it. Every time I used to yell, no one would come. 

"No." I was soft and a whisper. His grip on my arms got tighter.

"All that I've done for you and you still can't listen?" 

"I'm sorry." He nodded and lifted one of his hands to my chin so force me to look up at him. At that moment, I forgot we were in South Korea on a military base where I outranked him and could have him beat up in 10 seconds. We were back in the North and in Tibet and in China. 

"Stay away from Mark Tuan. Don't let him touch you, don't talk to him unless you have to. If you let him in like you did the others, the same thing will happen. Do you understand, Princess? I can help you get back your brother, I know more than Tuan. I won't use you for the NIS. I care." I nodded. 

"Do you understand?" It was harsh and his look down at me scared me.

"Yes, I understand."

"Good." His whispered this and let go of me, reverting back to his other persona, "It starts now." 

"Yoo!" I froze, Youngjae did this on purpose, he was testing me.

"Tuan, thank you for interrupting our conversation. Hey, Jackson." I looked down at the track, I was standing on the number 4. 

"Hye-In, are you good?" I nodded, not turning to look at him.

"Hye-In-"

"I'm fine, Jackson." I made sure my voice wasn't shaky "I'll go back inside." I turned, still looking down and walked towards the stairs leading up to the base. Tuan stepped in front of me and grabbed my shoulder. Don't let him touch you. It was an order. 

I shrugged his hand off and quickly shifted to the left so I was out of reach. 

"Hye-In, what the he-"

"We have to get back to the base. Have a nice drive home." 

"Hye-In, what's wrong?" He doesn't care. Mark Tuan is your Yongguk now.