“So…” his face, blushing in a girly way, is such a cute sight I can’t get over it, “What now?” I asked, trying to sound casual and playful at the same time.

My aggressiveness shocked not only him but myself as well. Thinking of it, I’ve never been this direct EVER in my entire life. Yes, I am known for being straightforward, but when it comes to men, I’m contained that as much as possible I don’t show interest at all, one reason why guys are having a hard time reading me, resulting for them to think that I don’t want them when truth is I do but of course, not as much as I want Seunghyun now.

“What?” I asked again, hoping that he’ll give at least a slight reaction because another minute with him just staring at the water, not talking, is torture. I’m actually expecting him to shout or scream in joy, far from what he’s acting as of the moment.

“Ya” Seunghyun finally looked at me, his cold hand on my thigh. “Huh?” I looked straight into his eyes, smiling widely. “That kiss” he pointed at me, “It means –“. It seems like he’s still in shock because he cannot finish a sentence. His eyes however, gave away what he’s feeling. The way they sparkle is prettier than before.

Brushing off the awkwardness and oddness, I his cheek with my hand that made him flinch. “I know you’re not expecting this from me, but, what can I do? I cannot stop myself from reacting honestly to you after all you’ve done a while ago. I admit being in a relationship with you is very risky for so many reasons that I’m not giving about anymore. All I know now is –“

Here I go again. I’m talking too much when Seunghyun hates it so much. But, what can he do? I’m in a moment where I want to spit out every little thought in my head just to relieve myself from it.

“Oh!” I was shocked when he faced me fully and cupped my face with both hands. “Look at me” he said and I find it really weird because I’m already looking at him, “Look me straight in the eyes” he demanded, lifting my head a little and when our eyes met, chills ran down my spine. I’m frozen, like he’s some kind of snow king who can freeze anybody just by his eyes.

There were no words spoken. We are just staring at each other with sincere smiles on our faces. My heart is slowing down from its fast beating, while my head is clearing up from being crowded. And this is when I realized, that the man in front of me can be the first and last man I’ll ever love. I may be going crazy for thinking this way, but I suddenly cannot picture myself without him.

“I –“ I know I should say the three magic words to him to “seal the deal”, but for some reason, I can’t get them out of my mouth. “What?” he asked, obviously knowing what I’m about to say and just waiting for it to come out from me, “I wonder what it feels like to hear it from you” he said and smiled beautifully once again.

SAY IT! SAY IT! SAY IT!

“I…love….you”

Really? How bad can I do? I sounded like a teenager, saying the three words nervously to her crush. It doesn’t sound sincere and I’m pissed because I cannot push myself to do better even though I wanted to. Maybe I’m really not supposed to be saying it to him, JUST YET.

“I love you too” he took it even when it didn’t come out the way it’s supposed to be, surprising me. “It’s hard, huh?” he asked and all I can do is nod, for I’m very disappointed at myself, but when he pulled me close to him and wrapped his arms around my waist from the side, I shrugged my disappointed off and just savored his warmth.

There are so many thoughts in my head once again, that as much as I want to brush them off even just for today, I can’t, basically because no matter what I do, there’s no way I can run away from them. I’m even having second thoughts if accepting him in my life is the right decision.

“Do you think this will work?” I asked, breaking the long silence. He took a deep breath and exhaled heavily, “Yes”, he answered confidently. Still not convinced, “Really?” I asked while looking at him. I’m sure he can see in my eyes how messed up I am.

Seunghyun nodded and kissed my temple, “I will do everything just for it to work out”. The way he said it is convincing and in one way or another, it calmed me down. Still, it failed to assure me.

Just by thinking that in a few weeks I’m going to leave for the Philippines alread