STUPID!

THIS IS DRIVING ME NUTS!

“Stupid red light!” I snapped at the baby monitor, turned it off and threw it at my foot pillow, “AHHHHH!!!!”

I’m done. I just dig my own grave and if I can literally do that, I will not think twice and bury myself down there. Actually, I might hide in my room for the next month and a half and just go out when I’m about to leave for the Philippines already.

How embarrassing is it? In my twenty-six years of existence in this freaking planet, I’ve never felt so embarrassed. Well, except when I puked on stage during a high school event because of stage fright. But, that’s not as major as confessing your love for someone through a baby monitor. What’s more frustrating is, I’m not even a hundred percent sure if what I’m feeling is true or not. I super hate myself right now.

Because of a late visitor (I’m praying that it’s a guy or a suitor), my sister said goodbye and hang up, ending our two hour long conversation that is one hour scolding, thirty minutes bickering and another thirty minutes of realizations and life lessons. We just added one meaningful conversation to our list and I’m sure that there are more to come.

Still in disbelief, I head to the bathroom and nearly committed suicide by drowning myself in the tub upon being reminded of my damn love confession. It made me wonder about Seunghyun’s reaction if ever he heard it, that I’m hoping he didn’t.

On the verge of being “suicidal”, I got out of the tub after five minutes and just stayed under the shower for I don’t know how long and got dressed. I’m not in the mood for colors, so I pulled out a funeral outfit. Black cashmere sweater, black wool-jersey leggings and black slip on sneakers. Blow dried my hair just to tie it in a messy ponytail. Makeup? What makeup? I’m off!

The moment I stepped out of my room, I sneakily walked to Seunghyun’s door and stick my ear on it. This, ladies and gentlemen, is another idiotic move because he might,

“OW!” I fell forward, completely losing my balance. Fortunately, I was able to support myself from going all the way down to the floor with my hands that made a loud slapping sound when it hit the marble. “Oh gosh!” I lifted my head up and gasped, “What the –“, and swallowed hard.

 I’m in a very awkward-eat-me-ground-take-me-hostage-aliens situation and I don’t know what to do. Seunghyun opened the door without me noticing and now I’m face to face with his crotch, only a few inches away for goodness sake. Once I lean forward, I’ll be kissing it.

OK. Forgot about what I said last. ERASE!

Unable to move and think, I was motionless until he crouched down, meeting my eyes. This is more like it! Eyes are better than crotch. Hmm. Not so sure, because it can be the other way around. Screw it! I’m a , so I don’t really know what’s better.

“Yaaa” he looked great, as always. Fresh from the bath with his hair still a bit wet, he looked like a cast of the musical movie Grease, wearing a black leather jacket over a white V-neck shirt, ripped jeans and sneakers. He must’ve planned his outfit for today so well.

“What are you up to?” he asked suspiciously and it took me a decade to process it.

I just shook my head and he imitated, “What does this mean?” he asked while shaking his head again. I bit my lip, “Uhmm…” I felt so small all of a sudden, like I’m shrinking right before his eyes.

“What?” Seunghyun just won’t stop until I spit something out. And like the genius that I am, “I was just checking if you’re still in your room or downstairs already”. YEAH! One heck of a reason, for one heck of a pushy man.

“Oh really?” his tone gave me a different feeling, like he doesn’t believe me. I nodded confidently and smiled, “Swear to God” I put my right hand on my chest and raised the other as if swearing seriously in some court, “That’s the real reason”, but he just stared at me.

Nothing will go right today, I can already feel it. Do you know how much that ? URGH!

While we’re walking to his car, he stopped all of a sudden and faced me. I looked at him curiously and he scanned me from head to foot. “Who died?” Seunghyun is being random again. I raised an eyebrow in confusion, “No one”. He chuckled, “You’re wearing all black”.

OK. Got it! “I’m channeling my inner goth” I don’t know what I’m saying but I already said it, so, whatever!

He laughed, “Actually, it’s good to say that you’re wearing your color or at least that’s what you think” his eyes are fixed on mine and my soul is about to escape grandly out of my body.

I can’t wrap my head around what he said. Does “wearing my color” mean that I’m nothing but a single color, more like a shade, so dark and boring? Does he really believe that I’m just that? Oh well, why do I care?

In the car, I’m still bugged by the fact that he may have heard my love confession. My tongue is itching I want to ask, once and for all, just to give myself some peace, if he heard it. Thing is, I don’t have the guts. Also, I might just give myself away when he really didn’t hear anything.

“Seunghyun” I called and faced him. He glanced expectantly at me, “Hmmm”. At this point, my heart is already down at my feet. “How much can you hear from the baby monitor?” I started.

Surprised by my randomness, he looked at me with an eyebrow raised in curiosity, “Not much” then he smiled, “Not much that I hear you singing Coolio’s Gangsta’s Paradise in the bath a while ago”

WHAT! Is this serious?

“It seems like you really love Hip-hop as much as I do, for it’s your every day jam. The other day you were rapping to Eminem’s Slim Shady, blasting with emotions” he added and laughed hard, “Drag is, you’re so into old hip-hop songs. Seems like “classics” really never die”. He is making fun of me.

Well hello! His jam is also