Chapter 18: Lost

Youngmin is standing in front of the door of their house. It seems like only yesterday he realized his feelings for Kwangmin. He doesn’t know what to do. For the whole 2 weeks that he was on his own he kept thinking about Kwangmin, missing him until it drove him insane. He doesn’t know what he’ll do if Kwangmin finds out. Secretly he wants him to find out about how much he loves him because he knows he won’t be able to confess.

He regrets shutting Kwangmin out for so long. He should’ve treated Kwangmin differently from the beginning. Then maybe things would’ve turned completely different…

Youngmin quickly dismisses the happy fantasies of himself and Kwangmin as a couple and takes a deep sigh before ringing the doorbell.

Kwangmin opens the door.

And there they stand. Facing each other with the awkward air around them that suffocates both of them.

‘HYUNG! You’re still in one piece as promised!’ Kwangmin says. His voice sounds cheerful but he doesn’t meet Youngmin’s eyes. It stings in Youngmin’s heart. He immediately regrets hugging Kwangmin before separating. Maybe he wasn’t the only one affected by the way they had parted…
NO! Don’t even go there Youngmin! Everyone would overthink that, not only someone in love with you!

‘I keep my promises. Do we have anything to eat?’

Kwangmin nods. ‘I just made ramen. There’s more than enough so we can share. I get the lid, you take a bowl.’

‘YA! Shouldn’t you let your hardworking hyung have the lid?’

‘I don’t want to.’ Kwangmin teases before running inside. Youngmin closes the door and takes off his shoes. He can’t remember the day he last stepped into this house. He would never go home, because Kwangmin was there. He always wanted to avoid this friendly situation. He comes home and Kwangmin is there, smiling at him, sharing food with him. It still feels like he’s dreaming.

When he enters the kitchen he can’t help laughing at Kwangmin who has already claimed the lid of the pan and is inhaling ramen in huge portions.

‘You’re really something Jo Kwangmin.’ Youngmin says as he takes a seat on the other side of the table.

He takes his chopsticks to get some ramen. He can feel Kwangmin staring and looks up. He gasps from the sudden eye-contact. Just when Youngmin thinks his heart is going to break if Kwangmin turns away the  other smiles. Youngmin feels like he’s melting from the warmth that spreads through his whole body.

‘I missed you.’ The words escape through his lips before he knows it.

‘I missed you too.’ Kwangmin says immediately. Youngmin realizes Kwangmin is not going to break their eye contact sooner or later and even though he loves it his growling stomach tells him something else. Kwangmin laughs cheerfully when the sound from Youngmin’s stomach echo’s through the kitchen.

‘I guess you were really hungry hyung.’ He says. Youngmin tries to hides his embarrassment by clearing his throat. ‘I only ate lunch today so of course I’m hungry.’ He explains.

‘That’s bad for your health hyung! You’re already as thin as a toothpick. You should eat three meals at least.’

‘I’m a busy person. I don’t have time to eat.’

‘That’s just an excuse. Guys should have a muscular body or they don’t stand a chance, even with those good looks. ‘ Kwangmin states. Youngmin looks up and raises one eyebrow. ‘Then what about you?’ He asks. His dongsaeng immediately turns bright red. ‘I don’t need to work out. I don’t have to impress anyone.’

‘Me neither.’ Youngmin says, feeling a bit hurt because of Kwangmin’s words. ‘Having faces like us is enough.’ Youngmin says. ‘Like you, you mean.’ Kwangmin corrects him. Youngmin sighs.

‘What are you saying? You’re beautiful Kwangmin.’ He’s so busy gulping down his ramen that he doesn’t realize Kwangmin’s pokerfaced expression wavering. ‘We look the same so of course you are.’

Kwangmin immediately feels dispirited. This hyung… he was talking about himself when he said I was beautiful!

Kwangmin doesn’t know that Youngmin realized his slip of the tongue and quickly covered up his true feelings nonchalantly.

‘Are you finished eating? I will help you with taking the bags upstairs.’ Kwangmin offers when Youngmin nods. ‘Let’s wash the dishes first. I’m the oldest so I’m washing.’

‘Damn it. I don’t want to~!’ Kwangmin whines while doing exactly opposite from his words as takes a towel from one of the drawers. He doesn’t really mind. The last time he and Youngmin did the dishes together was probably when they were around 5 years old. it’s different now. when they were younger they were to small and had to stand on the chairs to be able to wash the dishes. When they reached puberty they both suddenly grew. They’re mother always said it was like they drank a magical potion that slowly turned them into giants. Other people would describe them as ‘young masters’ because they looked like handsome rich boys in a drama. The truth is the complete opposite. Kwangmin watches Youngmin’s big and white hands. His slender and long fingers with the short fingernails. Even Youngmin’s hands look perfect. He’s such a lovestruck idiot.

Youngmin steals glances through washing the dishes. Kwangmin seems to have changed a lot since the time they met. For some reason it seems like he’s hiding something. Or is it that he started changing only after Youngmin hugged him?

He feels terrible. It’s like someone has stolen his heart and is squeezing it as much as possible. Youngmin feels like his heart is going to stop.

When he puts his hands into the hot water he realizes there are no more dishes to wash. He feels a little bit embarrassed because he didn’t realize but he’s fine because Kwangmin didn’t see it.

~

Youngmin opens the door of his room. he pushes the light button and is immediately struck with the memories.

He hasn’t been in his own room for a year or so. The last time he came he didn’t even sleep in his own bed but only took some stuff to bring to the dorm. It feels  as if the days he spend here as an elementary schooler are incredibly far.

He unpacks his bag and changes his clothes before jumping down on the bed. He takes his pillow and hides his face in it. The sheets feel and smell clean. Youngmin is sure Kwangmin changed it because he came home. They’re parents are always busy with work because they have to earn enough money to be able to pay the rent for the house that they own. The twins had never realized they were poorer than others when they were little. They never lacked anything and when they really wanted something they always got it. There’s only one thing Youngmin couldn’t get from his parents. Going to the same high school as Kwangmin. He feels bad for begging for toys when he was little. He thinks he’s stupid for being too lazy in the past to get a part-time job. It seems like he missed a lot of important moments in Kwangmin’s life. He sould’ve been there to watch over him and protect him. His most precious person.

~

Kwangmin watches his reflection shown in the mirror. He looks incredibly flustered. His cheeks have turned a bright pink. He brushes his teeth.

‘Hyung is here. In this house.’ He says to himself with the toothbrush still in his mouth. His face turns even redder.

‘Should I tell him?’ He asks out loud.

‘Tell what?’ Kwangmin spits out the toothbrush from shock. ‘HYUNG!’ Youngmin walks behind him and wraps an arm around his shoulders.

‘Do you need to tell something to me?’ He asks. Kwangmin immediately tenses up. Youngmin seems to have realized and lets go of him. ‘Sorry. You don’t have to tell me.’

‘Don’t say sorry. It’s not that important.’ Kwangmin says quickly. Youngmin watches him with a suspicious expression before taking his toothbrush. Kwangmin puts his bangs in an apple hairstyle and washes his face with ice cold water, hoping for his pink cheeks to disappear.

‘Aren’t you cold?’ Youngmin asks, still with the toothbrush in his mouth. Kwangmin shakes his head and takes a towel to dry his face. ‘I was feeling hot so it works.’ He says before leaving the bathroom.

When he’s halfway through the hallway he hears Youngmin storming out. ‘KWANGMIN!’ Before he knows it he’s grabbed by his arm and pushed against the wall. Kwangmin is shocked at first and ready to curse out of frustration but when he faces Youngmin and they’re faces are only inches apart, he turns numb.

‘Kwangmin.’ Youngmin says, with a serious expression on his face.

‘W-w-what?’ Kwangmin asks. He feels incredibly nervous. It’s even more nerve-wrecking then when Youngmin hugged him the last time. It feels ike time has stopped and they’re the only one in the world.

‘Kwangmin…I…’ Kwangmin lets out the breath that he held in. Why? Why is he looking at me like that?

Then Youngmin’s hand goes up and the elastic band is pulled off from his bangs. ‘I’m borrowing this.’ Youngmin says with a mischievous smile while dangling the elastic band in front of Kwangmin’s eyes. He quickly turns away and laughs a hysterical laugh while running towards the bathroom. When the door closes Kwangmin drops down to the floor and leans his head against the wall.

He knew. He shouldn’t expect things. There is no way Youngmin is feeling the same way he does. He knows that but he just can’t accept it.

~

Youngmin splashes his face with ice cold water before looking up in the mirror. the apple-hairstyle doesn’t suit him, that’s for sure.

That was close. I almost confessed there.

Youngmin dries his face and leaves the room. Kwangmin is sitting on the floor with his hands in his hair. ‘Kwangmin?’ He asks carefully. The other doesn’t react. Youngmin approaches him slowly.

‘It was just a joke. Are you mad?’ Again, Kwangmin doesn’t react.

Youngmin takes Kwangmin’s hands. Kwangmin whines but still lets the other pull him up. Youngmin struggles to get Kwangmin to stop trying to hide his face. When Kwangmin finally looks at him he seems like he’s going to cry any minute.

‘Are you mad at me?’

‘Yes.’

‘Why?’

‘It’s just like last time hyung. Don’t come so close.’ Kwangmin says in a soft tone. Youngmin can feel the tears filling up his eyes. ‘But I want to come closer. Slowly…’

‘It’s going too fast. I’m going crazy because of you and it’s not your fault. It’s my own problem.’

‘I also have a problem.’ Youngmin admits. The first tears finally start rolling down his cheeks. Kwangmin looks at him again and seems really surprised. ‘Why are you crying hyung?’

‘I want you, Kwangmin. I want you so much.’ Youngmin whispers. Kwangmin’s eyes widen. ‘What are you saying?’

Youngmin takes Kwangmin’s hands. ‘I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.’ He says before moving closer. Kwangmin intertwines their fingers and closes his eyes. Youngmin moves closer and when their lips meet he also closes his eyes.

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I'm sorry it took me this long to write this chapter!

some letters on my keyboard we're not working anymore so I had to get a new one

Are you anticipating the next chap?? I'm going to make you cringe I promise ^^

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