Description:
It's inevitable. They both know it's going to happen. But they didn't know it was this hard. At least Jiyong didn't know it was this hard.

Foreword:
"I'm still here. Very much here. Why stay away?"

Seunghyun noticed that Jiyong has been avoiding him since the letter came in. At first, he thought that it was temporary. He thought it was Jiyong’s usual withdrawal from the people around him. But, after a few days, Seunghyun noticed that Jiyong was avoiding just him. Jiyong was fine with everyone else. Seunghyun confronted him a couple of times, but all he gets were generic replies of ‘I’m fine’, ‘There’s nothing different about me’, ‘It’s just work’. 

But Seunghyun knows that that man is not fine. There are times when Jiyong refused to share the bed with him and slept in the guest room. He would throw excuses such as, he gotta work late and didn’t want to keep Seunghyun from his sleep, he had a cold and didn’t want Seunghyun to catch it, and sometimes he even spent nights at Youngbae’s.

A few times, Seunghyun sneaked into the guest room in the middle of the night when Jiyong was sleeping. He climbed onto the bed and slipped under the covers. His heart fluttered when Jiyong just naturally scooted closer, ditching the pillows for his chest, mumbling random stuff. He would wrap his arms around the tiny figure and drift blissfully into slumber. But one night, Seunghyun just couldn’t help but let the tears fall when he heard Jiyong mumbled his name followed by, “Don’t leave me..please..”

By then, Seunghyun had a fairly good idea on what’s going on but Jiyong never opened up. Deciding not to push the situation, Seunghyun just let him be. But not until early this week. Seunghyun couldn’t take it anymore. He’s going away and Jiyong keeping his distance was driving him crazy.

“Ji..tell me what’s going on. And don’t give me the ‘I’m fine’ bull anymore because I know you’re not.” Seunghyun is holding the man by his shoulders. That time, it was less of an affectionate gesture; it was just to keep Jiyong from turning away.

Jiyong tried his best to avoid Seunghyun’s gaze. He stared straight at the broad chest that he knew he would miss so much. He restrained himself with all his might from plunging forward, wrapping his arms around the waist and break down. Tears welled up, but he bit his lip to suppress the overwhelming sadness.

“Ji..talk to me..” Seunghyun begged and shook the man a little.

Jiyong drew a heavy breath. “I…” Jiyong began with a sigh, “I need the distance. I need to get used to not having you around..” His voice was shaky due to the huge lump he felt stuck in his throat.

Jiyong’s reply broke Seunghyun’s heart into pieces. He knew this was one of the reasons, but he didn’t expect it to affect this man so much. “But I’m still here. Very much here. Why stay away?” Seunghyun muttered, resting his forehead onto Jiyong’s.

Jiyong shut his eyes and a silent tear fell, leaving a trail on his cheek.

“It’s killing me too, you know?” Seunghyun whispered. “I’m leaving in a matter of days. I wanna spend as much time as possible with you, but..” Seunghyun couldn’t continue. The farewell seemed painfully real when muttered out loud.

“I won’t be able to let go if I stay too close..” Jiyong whispered back while pulling away. He gathered the courage to look back into Seunghyun’s eyes for a moment. It was like looking into a mirror. Everything that he felt reflected in the sad pair of Seunghyun’s eyes. The sadness, the longing for each other, the pain, the frustration. Everything. Before his weakened knees betray him, Jiyong turned away and left Seunghyun standing there, counting his own tears dropping onto the floor.

So, tonight is the last night Seunghyun will be spending as a civilian, before bearing the uniform for the next two years. There are five people in the house, but it is dead silent. Dinner was also silent and awkward. Nobody dared to say anything, or maybe were just deep in their thoughts, handling their own emotions.

Seunghyun is in the bedroom, packing up his final things into his suitcase. Jiyong walked in and stopped at the doorway. Seunghyun noticed the brown eyes glistened with tears when their gaze locked for a moment. Jiyong treaded to the closet with Seunghyun tailing behind. He stays close and watches as Jiyong takes out a folded shirt from one of the drawers.

Jiyong turned around with gaze lowered to the piece of clothing in his hand. “Don’t forget your shirt..” He handed the shirt to the man towering in front of him.

Seunghyun reached out and noticed the shirt was actually Jiyong’s. “You know I don’t need this to remember you by..”

“And I’m sorry I can’t send you off tomorrow, I have stuff to-” Jiyong was cut off when Seunghyun pulled him into an embrace. And just like that, his walls came crashing down and he cried his heart out against Seunghyun’s chest. He wrapped his hand around and balled his fists into Seunghyun’s shirt.

Seunghyun tightened the embrace and Jiyong’s back. “Shhh..it’s alright..” Seunghyun is surprised that he managed to compose himself and not cry. Maybe his will is telling him to be strong for that moment.

“No, it’s not alright!” Jiyong cried harder, burying his face into Seunghyun’s neck. “What am I suppose to do for two freaking years?! Tell me! Tell me..”

Seunghyun didn’t have an answer to that. He just continued Jiyong’s back, shushing the sobbing mess in his arms. He let Jiyong take his time to cry everything out. The three brothers in the living room sat silent in their seats, listening to their leader’s emotional breakdown. They knew this would happen sooner or later.

By the time Jiyong had calmed down, Seunghyun shirt was almost drenched in tears. He slowly pulled away from the embrace. “Wait for me. Write songs about me. Okay?” He cupped the puffy face, wiping the tears with his thumbs.

There are still traces of sobs when Jiyong lightly nodded his head.

“Shh..you’re going to be fine..” Seunghyun pulled Jiyong back into his arms, wrapping around the rocking shoulders. “Just please..” Seunghyun paused to plant a kiss on top of the messy hair, “..sleep with me tonight.”

Jiyong began to cry again and return to hide his face in the nook of Seunghyun’s neck.

“This might be the last time we say goodbye.
This might be the last time we say goodnight.”

“And it’s so hard being out on my own.
It breaks my heart to leave you alone.”

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It's going to happen one day. We should be prepared for when it happens. It's going to be hard. It's going to be painful. Brace yourselves..