~Eunmi~

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I was at loss. No words..

No words at all

My knees got weaker and bended, I fell down but Junsu caught me before I even hit the ground

For awhile, Junsu was holding me tightly as i was just staring into the blue while having my hand where the heart was beating..

His heart

Yunho, JaeJoong and Yoochun bended down next to me

"We planned to go to visit you soon as soon, as we had .. gotten better.... We were confused.. and we still are and we are still mourning.. Changmin had his funeral 5 days ago.. We thought about waiting for you to wake up but the doctors weren't sure about when you were going to wake up.. so his family decided to have the funeral. We didn't expect any of this.. at all.." Yunho said sadly

"The night before he decided to go through the operation, we had a special family dinner with him. We thought it was odd first because he was kind of saying goodbye to us. But we thought he just wanted us to know how much he loved us.

He went back to the hospital and visited you. After that he went to sleep. Earlier that day, he received a phone call and he was away from the dinner for 20 minutes. It turned out that he explained to the doctor how he wanted to do this. He signed papers and had prepared himself very well. he left a letter for us.. where he explained his thoughts and his actions.... That night, unknowingly, he fell unconscious due to the tumor has grown into his brain . That was when the doctors decided to fulfill his wish..." Yoochun whispered

I was still shocked and didn't utter a word.

Suddenly out of nowhere, it started to rain.

The guys stood up quickly but I remained still.

Junsu lifted me and with help from Yoochun he carried me to the car

tears were falling as I tried to understand why this was happening to me.. Why Changmin had gone through this..

We went back to the dorm as Junsu carried me inside

They took off my wet coat and tried to talk to me, tried to persuade me to change clothes

I couldn't..

I didn't speak at all. My mind was empty and I was still trying to accept the fact that Changmin was gone.. and that he.. had donated his heart to me..

JaeJoong decided to cook some food along with yunho and Yoochun's help. Junsu went to his bedroom to find some clothes

Slowly I sat up from the couch and stood up.

My feet took me into Changmin's room

I entered, and his scent hit me

I closed the door behind me and slowly entered. It was quiet

Very quiet

I sat down on his bed and looked around. Tears were falling silently from my eyes as I looked around. Memories of us were going through my head and unconsciously, I started to cry. The heart ached more than ever and I started to feel guilty

I grabbed one of his big teddybears and held onto it tightly

Changmin was gone.

He wasn't here anymore.. not presence..
Not here..

I would never.. be able to see him smile again.. Hug him again.. touch him.. hearing his laughter.. and I would never be able to kiss him again..

But the worst part was, I would never be able to say I love you again..

My heart started to ache more, as if someone was ripping it apart.

I shook my head in frustration and my grip around the bear tightened

"Why..?" I sobbed

He wasn't here anymore.. not with me.. not with the members.. or his family.. He had left me..

I put the teddybear aside as I started to wing back and forth, crying hardly

"You're gone.. you're really gone.." I whispered

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~Junsu~

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Exhausted and tired, I went back to the livingroom but to my surprise, I couldn't find her anywhere

"Eunmi?" I asked

I went to the kitchen but she wasn't there

"Hyung.. Where's.. Eunmi?" I asked

"Bwoh?" All of them said

"I can't.. find her"

All of us started to look for her and soon, we stopped outside Changmin's bedroom.

I opened the door slightly and soon we found her on the bed, swaying back and forth while crying.

My heart sank as I saw her

"This is heartbreaking.." I whispered

"We have to leave her alone.." Yunho whispered

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~Eunmi~

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I opened my eyes slowly. They were swollen and it was hard to even look without it was stinging.

Slowly I sat up to see it was 5 am in the morning.

I looked around and instantly I remembered where I was..

I put my hand on where the heart was beating and it was healthier than ever

Someone had tucked me in since I had been sleeping on Changmin's pillow and I was having his blanket over me

Exhausted and tired, I went to the bathroom and the lights. I saw my toothbrush he had bought for me.. and also the towel.

I remembered he told me that he bought this for me since we were a make-believe couple now

Slowly, I the waiter and brushed my teeth and cleaned my face.

I tied my hair up and my eyes flicked around as I tried to realize that I wasn't dreaming

Slowly I dragged my feet to his closet and found a big hoodjacket to wear

I sat down on the bed.

I remembered when he was sick..

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~Flashback~

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"Sleep.. I'll be here.."

"Where is the others? Hyung?"

"I told them to go to school.. And I would take care of you.."

"Wae? You have lessons as well.." He said weakly

I then smiled

"How can I let my Nam Pyeon suffer like this? Of course I need to take care of you.. Just rest.. I'll be here.. right next to you all the time.." I whispered

I felt his warmth as he was sitting next to me as I continued to read..

He closed his eyes and listened to my voice as I was reading

"As much as the sun that rises above you,
I’ll keep you safe as much as you’ve waited for me, with this glaring heart,.. all the dreams I've prayed for, they're going towards you with my sincere scent.... I hope that my wishes of smiling next to you every new morning,
Will be able to come true.."

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~End of flashback~

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A tear fell down my cheek as I was crying, remembering him

I folded his blanket and silently tip toed outside to find all the guys sleeping in the livingroom.

I don't know why they were sleeping there but I guess it was because they needed each other the most at the moment

Dazed and with tears falling down, I went to grab the keys to my collegeroom and went outside

Outside the morning was cold, but I didn't care. Nothing would seem cold to me and nothing would seem warm to me now..

I wiped away my tears as I waked to my collegeroom and when I finally unlocked the door, I entered and locked it behind me

I went to the livingroom and to my surprise I saw rose petals everywhere and balloons. It said I Love You on every single of them

I backed away a few steps and cried harder

He must have done this.. My .. Changmin..

As I cried I slowly followed the petals into the bedroom and when I opened the door, I found a big picture of us two on our Christmas night, kissing under the mistletoe while the snow was falling

I fell down onto the floor and cried harder as the heart ached even more

This wasn't happening

A teddybear, big as me were sitting on the bed, with an envelope in it's hands

I slowly stood up, sat down on the bed and took out the paper.

Tears didn't stop falling and it started to fall even more, when I recognized his hand writing.

This was the day before he left ..

"Yobo ah~~..

It's Oppa.. "

I closed my eyes and inhaled a deep breath and wiped away the tears before I continued to read

"By this time you're reading this.. I guess you know the truth already don't you?.. Mianhe~~
I never got the chance to tell you how my condition was. The truth is.. that I was dying. I was diagnosed with this tumor 4 years ago. I didn't take it serious since I thought it was a headache only. It started off as an headache but as the years kept passing, it turned out to be a tumor. Which was too late to remove. I'm so sorry for not telling you.. I really I am. Please forgive me.."

I saw my tears falling on his beautiful handwriting

"I know you're feeling guilty at the moment, but don't. I was dying and I knew myself that you needed a heart transplant. My heart was healthy.

Eunmi ah~~ You changed my life. You taught me the beauty of love and the joy of life. If it weren't for you, I would have never experienced love. I'm grateful.
I never knew that a person could change me so much. Because of you, I've learned and gained a lot of things in life. Things I never imagined I would.

From the beginning I never knew that I would fall in love with you. But as the time kept passing, I did fall in love but it wasn't with an ordinary girl. It was with an angel. You gave away the heart that was available to another person. .

My Love, I could have never been more grateful for meeting you.

If I ever were bad towards you, I'm sorry for making you suffer and struggle. It was never my intention. Oppa.. is also sorry for.. not.. being able to celebrate 100th Days Anniversary.. 1 year Anniversary.. 1000 days anniversary with you.. Not celebrating your birthday.. Valentine's day.. Christmas.. Yes .. all special days.. I'm sorry~~

Please live a happy and long life Eunmi. Don't feel guilty and don't be sad. I'm watching you everyday, every minute, every second and I will always be with you.
Don't feel pressure and please smile lots. Work hard to achieve your goals. I'm sorry for not being able to see you achieve it, to share the happiness with you..

But I'm always with you..
The heart that is pounding inside of you will always be with you, in that way I will be able to feel the feelings you feel. I promise to keep the heart to beat for a long time..

The teddybear represents me. Now when I'm not able to hug you, I'm sure the teddy will do it.
The picture, now when I'm not able to kiss you, please look at the picture.
Whenever you feel lonely listen to Love in the Ice. I'm sure you will remember what I said to you at the Ice Rink

I have the bracelet you gave me and I will not take it off. It's with me right now... I promised you to keep your heart safe and I'm going to hold onto that promise..

Go on.. live happily and don't look back at our memories with tears and sadness.. Smile and think of the happy times..

No matter where I am. . No matter how far away.. I'll always be there, saving you.. making you feel safe..

I will always love you, in this life, the next life, for eternity..

Thank you for making me feel alive.. Thank you for saving me..
You're my angel..

Saranghae~~

Forever your Changmin"

I closed the letter and put it right next to my heart. Silently, All of my tears fell and I started to shake

I spun around to look at the Teddybear, the big picture of us and also the cd where he had recorded the song Love In The Ice

*Knock Knock

I looked up to see Junsu looking at me

For a few minutes he just stood there and looked at me and then I stood up and ran into his arms and cried my heart out

I didn't stop and he didn't stop himself from crying either

For a very long time, we stood there and cried together

After 10 minutes I heard someone entering and it was Yunho, JaeJoong and Yoochun

All three of them came to me and Junsu and hugged us as we all cried together

When we finally had settled down, I told the guys I wanted to bring the stuff to the house.

Yunho offered to drive me and all of them joined me

When we got home, Mom and dad instantly realized what had happened. They knew all along but the guys had asked them to not tell me cause they wanted to do it..

I didn't have the strength or will to be angry..

As the guys were waiting, I went upstairs and got into the shower.

Afterwards, I the hair-waver and I dried my hair and changed into a white knee long dress and black shoes

I curled the hair just a bit at the end of the hair and put on some mascara.

I took some high heels and went downstairs

The guys didn't ask me why I dressed up. I told them to take me to the flower shop first and then the hospital

When I arrived, I went to Changmin's doctor and my doctor.

I told them that I knew the truth now and they nodded

When I was about to leave, the handed me a box

"What is this?" I asked

Changmin's doctor smiled

"You'll find the answer here.."

He handed me a small letter

"Read it later"

I nodded

I went back down to the car and got in

I told the guys I wanted to go to the graveyard. They took me to the cemetery and followed me to his grave. For a long time I just kept looking at the stone as the tears were falling..

After a few minutes, I bended down slowly and put down the big bouquet of flowers

Tears were falling as I looked at the stone. I then looked at the couple ring he had given me and grabbed my necklace that were around my neck

"He was buried with your bracelet.." Junsu whispered behind me

I stood up and looked at him

"He did?"

"That was one of his wishes which he wrote in the letter for us.." Yunho's voice cracked

A tear fell as I nodded

I spun around and looked at the stone again

I bended down slowly and kissed the stone and closed my eyes, rested my forehead onto it

"Mianhe~~" I whispered

Tears kept falling. I kissed the stone again

"Saranghae~~"

Slowly I stood up and we went back to the car.
The silver wrapped box were waiting for me to open it.

I wiped away my tears and took the letter which the doctor had given me

"Yobo ah~~ ..

Thank you for being with me.. For changing me.. For experience this love with me. I will forever be grateful.. The ash inside this box is a part of my soul. "

I covered my face as I inhaled a deep breath and continued to read

"Please spread it out.. With the wind.. or water.. So that I will be able to be with you wherever you are. So that I can be the air that you breathe..

The last wish I want to ask of you is..

Think of our wonderful times together.. Always think of our wonderful times together.
Thank you for the memories..

Saranghae~~"

I closed the letter and closed my eyes

"Yunho Oppa.." My voice cracked

"Yes?" He choked

"Please take me to the Han River" I whispered

Without questioning me, he did as I asked him to do and soon we were on the bridge across the Han River

With the box in my hands I walked slowly out of the parking plot and towards the fence

It was high..

really high

The wind was blowing hard making my hair blow everywhere

It suddenly hit me ..

It reminded me about my dream when I was asleep.. When Changmin and I were on the yacht. It wasn't as high as this but it was blowing and while the yacht were going, the cold wind blew hard and I remembered Changmin's words..

"No matter where I am. . No matter how far away.. I'll always be there, saving you.. making you feel safe.."

I whispered

Suddenly I felt some kind of Deja Vu

I gasped as my eyes widened in shock..

For some reason I started to look around as the wind kept blowing and I looked at the guys who was looking at me, sadly.

he never lied to me..

he was always with me..

While I was in coma.. in my dream he said those words.. From the letter I read at home, he had written the exact same words

A tear fell as I closed my eyes

"You're here right now.. aren't you?" I whispered , thinking that he might was here hearing me

I opened my eyes and the box.

As the letter said, there was ashes.. Just a little.. He told me he wanted to be spread allover the world

I knew the guys were closer and was standing just behind me

"His ashes?" Yoochun whispered

I nodded

"It's just a little.." I whispered

"We will always love you" Yunho said

"Forever" JaeJoong sobbed

"For eternity" Junsu choked

"For a lifetime" Yoochun said

I looked at the small amount of ashes in my hands. I closed my eyes as I heard the heart beating

"I will always love you. Thank you for everything.." I whispered while crying

I opened my eyes

The wind was blowing hard making our clothes and hair blow everywhere

I didn't care. I wasn't cold at all

"You will always be here.. Within Me" I whispered

I opened my fists and as the strong wind came, The ashes flew away and every single corn of the ashes disappeared from my hands

"For an eternity.. For a lifetime.. Forever in here" I whispered and put the hand on his heart

"Forever Within Me" I whispered