I am alive!!! Honestly, I should be preparing for my finals this coming week, but my roommate and I are hanging out with Admin Bunny so while they play videogames I wrote up this anon request! Admin Bunny and I also plan to write a lot more over break. Also, please don't worry if you do not see your message getting answered, we are just busy and will be trying to get what we can done.

-Admin Em

(7-12-17 catch up)

Trigger warning: Death

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It shouldn’t be like this.

Daehyun should not be here.

He hates it.

He hates being here.

The room is much too white, and smells of various cleaning chemicals with only a slight touch hint of perfume. Soon that smell would fade away. The slow, steady beeping noise would annoy most people, but to Daehyun it’s a sign that you are still with him. That this isn’t quite goodbye. “Dae?” you whisper softly as he enters the room, working to put on a smile for your sake.

“Hey beautiful,” he says as happily as he can manage as he kisses your forehead. Your smile is small and weak, but it’s enough for Daehyun. He can see how tired you are. He can see you are ready to go, but he isn’t ready to let you. He’s selfish. The two of you are supposed to have so much more together.

He knows that you have suffered through the fight, but you still needed to live. It was not supposed to be like this. It shouldn’t be like this. You were a good person, You were always so careful when it came to your health, but you still ended up like this. Daehyun remembers the day you had told him. You burst into B.A.P’s practice and were crying your eyes out, unable to speak for almost half an hour. Daehyun held you the entire time, waiting for you to calm down before you whispered “Leukemia.”

The doctors began treatment right away, they did everything possible and it still wasn’t enough. Daehyun was always with you, doing everything he could. He would pray every night to everything he could think of, and it still wasn’t enough. He never let you know how hard this has been for him because he knows that this has been a million times harder for you.

“Daehyun,” your voice drags him out of his thoughts. “Remember your promise.”

“I do,” he says with a dry mouth.

A month ago you made him promise that if you didn’t make it that he would not blame himself especially since there was absolutely nothing he could have done/ You made him promise that he would live his life, and find someone he could spend the rest of his life with. At the time he had argued, telling you that he refused to think of you leaving him and that you were going to make it. Every day after, you kept asking him to make that promise until he reluctantly agreed.

It was later that day that the doctors gave you about a week to live.

Daehyun had spent every possible moment with you.

You told him it was the best week of your life.

He admits that he had a very good time as well, but now, a week and a half later, he can’t be think the two of you should have done more.

“Daehyun, I feel tired.”

“I know, it’s okay,” he tells you, kissing your hand as your family enters the room to see you once more. You give them a weak smile and Daehyun is glad to see it one more time. He can see you don’t have long left as your breathing becomes much more strained and your hand starts going limp in his.

He holds your hand tighter, trying to anchor you to the world.

Your family tells you they love you again and you tell them you love them more than anything. Daehyun knows he’s included in the statement, and he knows that your family will miss you just as much if not more than he will, but he really wishes they weren’t here right now.

“Dae, it’s okay,” you breathe and he realizes there are tears running down his face. “I’ll always be with you.”

“I know, you’re always going to be in my heart,” he kisses your hand again.

“Your promise.”

“Even then, no one will ever replace you. I will do my best to live happily for you.”

“I will watch over you,” you promise. “Thank you for everything.”

“No, thank you for everything,” he tries to smile for you. “I love you.”

The heart monitor beeping tempo changes and Daehyun can see the light fading from your eyes even as you smile back at him. Your hand falls limp and your mother starts to sob as doctors rush in, even though there is nothing to be done at this point. Daehyun no longer feels like he’s in his body.

This isn’t happening.

This isn’t happening.

You aren’t dead.

You can’t be.

Someone pushes him away from you and he can’t even find the energy to fight to get back to you as tears blur his vision. The next thing he knows, he’s running away. He’s crying and running aimlessly. Eventually his body gives up and he finally allows himself to sob uncontrollably. He feels empty, and each second is worst than the last.

The funeral comes faster than Daehyun would expect,. He dresses , feeling completely numb still. The members of B.A.P have supported him ever since your death and were even attending the funeral with him. He faces your family,  and tries to give them support, but he’s trying not to crumble at the picture of you.

The service passes in a blur and soon you are being placed into the ground. A few words are said before the grave is covered, and then slowly everyone begins to leave. Daehyun is the last one there, after convincing Yongguk that he just needed some time alone. He kneels before the grave and pictures you before the cancer. A small smile forms on his face, “I hope you are well,” he says. “I miss you, so much. I am sorry that I haven’t been doing well with my promise, but I will try harder now. I will do my best to continue to go on. I have the members to help me, but it’s still been difficult. You are tattooed on my heart, and I can’t just erase you like that. Please don’t be mad for how I have been since you left. I will do my best for you. Please watch over me and someday when I have gray hair and pass on, meet me again, ok? I will always love you,” he kisses his fingers and presses them to your tombstone.