Right now, you’re doing what you normally do when Himchan is gone; you think about your relationship. The two of you had been dating for a little under a year now and that made you happy because usually relationships went somewhat wrong around this time. Your mind wanders down to the path of what’s going to come farther down the road...and this was something you tried not to think about too often because it scared you.

What if the relationship ended?

That had been your fear when Himchan first asked you out. You didn’t want to get too attached just to lose him; it’d happened in your past before. Your exes cheated on you or simply broke it off with lame excuses-one even used the famous “it’s not you, it’s me” line! Himchan knew your past, and he vowed never to hurt you in such a way so after some time to think you had agreed to the relationship.

Thinking about it now, the worry the he was cheating on you at this very moment crossed your mind. He could easily use his schedule to get away with it and you would never know. No, you shake the thought away, he wouldn’t...he wouldn’t. He’s assured you of his love countless times and you did your best to believe him.

You look around your shared apartment and remember how long it had taken you to agree to this. Living together was a huge deal for you, but the two of you spent days talking about it before you agreed. Part of you still regrets the decision because most of the time you’re alone due to his idol life. And you know that the next step is marriage.

Is he the one? Can I spend the rest of my life with Himchan? You thought about that idea and your heart starts to pound even more; and not in the happy way. It scares you. Sometimes, Himchan could be too cocky, or even too self-conscious depending on how his day went, and he could end up nagging now and then. He was too good looking for you; far, far too good looking to be with someone like you. It’s not you, it’s me, you thought, hearing your ex’s voice in your head as you did.

What if there’s someone better out there?

You instantly feel terrible for the thought. Himchan has been nothing but loving towards you, and here you were questioning if you could do better. If anything, he could do better. Things were good in the relationship, just as they were and you didn’t want to change or lose that. You know what you have to do to keep things working, you’ll have to talk to him.

You almost laugh at the timing as Himchan walks in, just seconds after you have the thought. “Hello jagiya, how was your day?” he questions while wrapping his arms around you.

“It was alright...I’ve been...thinking,” you said slowly, because it scared you...but you wanted to speak to him before you chickened out.

His eyes quickly fill with concern at your tone. “What have you been thinking about?”

“Us.”

Himchan’s heart starts to pound, were you leaving him? Had you had enough of being alone in the apartment? Did he do something wrong? It takes him a moment, but soon he finds his voice again. “What about us?”

“Himchan...I don’t know if you’ve thought about it...but...um...do you see us getting married?”

Relief floods your boyfriend, you weren’t leaving him. “I have; and one day when we’re ready, I would like you marry you.”

You bite your lip, how could you tell him the very idea of marriage scared you? “And...what if I told you that I was...I was....scared of that? Of marriage, I mean.”

Your question takes him off guard, but he knew what you were getting at right away. Deep down, he knew all along that you have a fear of commitment because of how reluctant you were about things that made changes. He knows your past so it made sense and he was always sure to keep you comfortable; and right now he can see you’re growing nervous by his silence. Slowly, he caresses your cheek while speaking in a gentle tone, “I would help you work through that fear if you wanted because I want you to be happy.”

“I want you to be happy too.”

“And right now, I am; right now is what matters to me,” he smiles and leans in to give you a gentle peck that you can’t help but make into a soft kiss. With time, things might just work out, you think.