Trigger Warning: Self-harm is mentioned! There isn't much, but if you feel it will make you uncomfortable, please do not read.

As much as you hate it, you glance in the mirror one final time before placing a pill into your mouth, not that it would do much good. The pills were supposed to make you feel better, but they actually made you feel worse. It’s pathetic to have to take them, so how would that make you feel better?

As you glance at yourself you note the bags that have formed under your eyes, but you can’t bring yourself to care too much. You used most of your effort just to make yourself look presentable, but not overly so. You don’t want to be the one fan who goes over the top at the fan-signing. You glance down to make sure the B.A.P sweater’s sleeve covers your scarred skin, which it does although you’re able to see some of the bracelets you’re wearing.

Taking a deep breath, you head out the door and to where the event is being held. There are already so many fangirls and boys lined up, waiting with their entrance ticket. You slip into line silently and take note of all the people that have gifts to give despite the rules prohibiting such a thing.

Maybe you should have brought something too. Maybe then you wouldn’t feel so guilty about coming to see B.A.P as a foolish attempt to make you feel better.

Your thoughts are cut short as you hear the roar of fans screaming start to rise as Yongguk walks out, smiling his gummy smile as he waves to the crowd. You manage to smile back at him, although anyone paying attention would likely know that you were forcing yourself. You’re not the center of anyone’s attention as Himchan walks out, shooting some of the fans up front a wink. Daehyun follows him, waving all over the place as though he wants to make sure everyone gets attention. Youngjae gives a slight bow toward the crowd as he heads to the table, where the other members are standing and waiting.

When Jongup comes out, with his signature smile, part of you wants to curl up and cry. He made it seem so easy to go out and have fun no matter what, and here you are struggling. You look away from him immediately, even though you adore him...you just can’t right now. You don’t dare look up when Zelo enters either, but you’re sure he’s doing something cute since all the fans around you are screaming even louder before they quiet down for B.A.P to welcome and thank everyone for coming.

There’s one final cheer and then the line starts moving...slowly. You’re close to the end,so you’re going to be here for a while unless you chicken out and leave. Tempting.

You’re next.

The boy in front of you chats happily with Yongguk, and you vaguely wonder how he’s not freaking out. He moves onto Himchan so you step up and bow to Yongguk, who immediately smiles and greets you while signing your CD. Struggling, you manage to ask him a question and he answers easily. You try not to die of embarrassment over the awkwardness as you fist bump him before moving onto Himchan, who compliments you on such a great sweater. You’re pretty sure you’re blushing as you thank him and tell him that he looks much, much, much nicer than you do.

He gives a slight smirk while thanking you and signing the CD before, to your surprise, he takes your hand. “I’m glad to have such a cute fan like you.”

This time you definitely blush as you fumble to respond, making him chuckle he lets you go so you can move onto Daehyun. “I hope Himchan wasn’t too frightening,” he muses while taking the CD.

“Yah!” the elder turns to him angrily. “Don’t talk about your hyung like that. We all know I’m the best anyway!”

“Nonsense, I have the best voice,” Daehyun teases.

“I look better.”

“Why don’t we see who the fans like better? What do you think?” Daehyun looks up at you and you feel a bit cornered. You love them both.

“You’re both amazing,” you tell them carefully, hoping that you didn’t unintentionally hurt either of their feelings.

“Smart answer,” Youngjae compliments while taking your CD from Daehyun.

“Did I say I was done signing that?” Daehyun huffs.

“You have no option in the matter. Stop putting our fans on the spot,” Youngjae gives his hyung a light push before turning his attention to you so you step in front of him, allowing the fan behind you to talk to Daehyun. “ignore them, I do,” Youngjae winks.

“It was...entertaining,” you say after a slight pause.

“That’s not the word I would have used,” Youngjae laughs and you’re not sure how to feel. Was he laughing because he thought it was funny, or because you’d chosen such a stupid word? “I’m glad we’re able to entertain you.”

“B.A.P makes me happy,” you give him a smile. A genuine smile. You mean what you just said: B.A.P does make you happy since they can distract you from your problems, even if it’s only for a few minutes.

“That’s what we love to do,” Youngjae muses and offers his hand, which you take slowly. “I hope we can continue to make you happy.”

“Stay healthy and I will be,” you say even though you know that you won’t necessarily stay happy once you are happy. He smiles and lets your hand go so you bow and step in front of Jongup who smiles up at you.

Both of you fumble for how to start the conversation.

Jongup is shy, you know that, and you’re a little afraid to look at him. “How are you?” a soft voice manages, making you look at him once more.

“I’m fine, how are you? You’ve been working so hard.”

“It’s been tiring, but I have good health so don’t worry about me,” he tells you in a peppy voice that actually makes you feel a little less awkward until the fan behind you makes an impatient noise so you move onto Zelo.

You give him a polite bow before handing him your CD. “I hope the hyungs weren’t too crazy toward you...don’t tell them I said that,” he tells you quietly so you make a zipping motion over your lips to tell him his secret is safe with you. “Thank you,” he grins while signing the CD and returning it to you. “Oh,” he gasps quietly as you reach out for it. “May I see your bracelets?”

Slowly, without even thinking about it, you hold out your arm and allow him to roll the sweater sleeve up so he can see the brightly colored bands with the members’ names on them. When his lips part in a silent gasp, it’s only then you realize your mistake.

He can see your scars.

Quickly, you try to take your hand away, but Zelo takes a gentle, yet firm, hold on it. Shame floods your body as he lightly brushes a finger across the red lines. You want to run away, crawl in a hole, and just die. How could you be so stupid to forget they were there and let him see them? You don’t dare look at him due to the fear of what you might see when you do.

“You’re strong,” Zelo says after what feels like eternity. “These...these tell a story-your story. Some might say that they’re ugly...but they’re a part of you. I...um...maybe that’s not the best thing to say...uhhh. Well, I know it’s not my place...but,” he uses his free hand to scribble something down on a piece of paper that is then pressed into your palm. “But please take this and...contact me whenever you want to talk. I know that it’s....it’s not the best, but it’s all I can think to offer and I’m sorry. I just don’t want such a wonderful person like you to be hurt.”

This is when you feel a stinging sensation behind your eyes just seconds before moisture falls down your cheeks: you’re crying in front of Zelo, the rest of B.A.P, and the countless number of fans that are around. Here was an idol offering you help and support when he knew nothing about you. Suddenly you feel arms wrap around you and on instinct you hug the person back as you cry. “Please don’t cry,” Zelo whispers, but that only makes your cry more for some reason as you start to get guided somewhere.

The next thing you know, you’re sitting down in a chair with a bottle of water in hand. “It’s okay,” Zelo tells you, “I just...uh....didn’t think you’d want to be crying out there...with all the people around...and I’d like to talk to you once I’m done with the event, if that’s alright with you.....I mean, I know this isn’t my place and-”

“Thank you,” you croak as you embrace him once again. There’s more you want to say to him, but that’s all you can manage right now as you try to control yourself a little better. He gives you a gentle squeeze while continuing to hold you for a moment longer until he absolutely has to return to the fan-signing. You’ll have plenty of time to properly thank him later because he’s offering you a life-line, support, and that isn’t something that you can’t accept...even if telling him your story is going to be a bit hard. You just want to try and have a better life, and Zelo was your chance.