Reply One

I think everything started when I was 14 years old. When I saw him playing football on the sports field with his friends. When his eyes turned into crescent moons whenever he laughed. When the ball flew towards my direction, pointing at my face. When the last thing I saw was his surprised expression until the ball hit me. I still remember everything about it. How his face popped up when I opened my eyes. How worried my best friend looked beside him. He apologized many times for kicking the ball into my face. Usually, I would be angry. Even my best friend expected me to explode, but instead I didn't say anything. I couldn't utter a word. I fell in love at first sight.

There was this second time I met him outside of school. Me and my best friend, Jung Eunji, walked to our favorite ice parlor in the midst of summer. It was a hot day. I felt like melting away just by stepping out of the house. We walked our usual route, crossing the main street, turning the corner, greeting the old lady at the fruit shop and turning left to walk through the clothing boutique. We looked at the beautiful clothes that we couldn't afford. We exited the shop and entered the only path that leaded to our favorite ice parlor. Before we entered to buy us some delicious and refreshing ice cream, we had to cross the streets. But the traffic light was red. We had to wait. I looked up from my shoes that I newly bought back then. The red chucks. Converse. I saw someone laughing and smiling at the other end of the streets. Someone whose eyes turned into crescent moons. Someone whose laugh I memorized. It was him. He stood there some meters right in front of me. I remember how my chest tightened. How my cute 14-year-old chubby face turned red. The color of love. How my hand became sweaty all of a sudden. How I didn't look away. How I stared at him for a long time even when the light turned green and Eunji and me, we crossed the streets. I saw him approaching. I saw him laughing to his friends, probably the ones on the football field. I remember him wearing a red tshirt. And when he glanced at me, I looked away. I pretended not to have noticed him. I pretended not to have seen him.

It was autumn when I was 15 years old that I saw him approaching a pretty girl. I couldn't help but compare myself with her. I even followed her, stalked her on facebook to match my looks with hers. You might think, why would I do that? Because he liked her. He gave her roses. He was being cheesy around her. He even dumped his own friends for her. I wanted to be like her so he would notice me. I didn't want to stay the girl who got a ball kicked to her face. I wanted to be like her. Beautiful, slender, big chest. Eunji told me that it was stupid to change myself because I wanted guys to notice me. I never told her that I liked him. She didn't know. She thought I wanted to change because the lack of attention from guys was bugging me. She didn't know I did all the things for a certain someone. But changing myself was difficult. Getting a bigger chest wasn't really simple. I tried drinking milk, massaging them - I know, it sounds erted, sorry - for the blood flow. But nothing helped. I even ate papaya because my mom told me it would help. She probably lied. Since I couldn't manipulate my bras size, I tried doing sports. I wanted to be sporty just like him. I tried volleyball, but it hurt so bad. My arms had bruises all over them. I even cried once because it hurt that much. My father forbade me to continue since I was crying. Then I tried basketball, but my condition wasn't really good. So I gave up soon after joining. Who knew being pretty was so difficult?

It was summer when I was 16 years old that I saw him alone at the playground near my neighbourhood. I still remember it like it was yesterday since I had my period around that time. It wasn't my first time, though. I had my first period when I was 14 years old. Pretty late, I know. You guys would laugh if you knew that it happened during the time I met him for the first time at the sports field. And no one told me that it wouldn't even hurt. I was always afraid that I might die because of my period. Guess, it was just me and my inner drama queen. And when I saw him, sitting on one of the tisch tennis tables, it was raining. He didn't even move away. He stayed there while the rain drops poured down on his hair and his clothes. I wanted to run to help him. So I went back to take an umbrella but when I returned, he wasn't there anymore. He already left.

It wasn't until I turned 17 years old that I actually started talking with him. It wasn't until I bought my first bras - I know, late - that I first looked into his eyes after the incident at the sports field. And you know what? He didn't remember the girl he kicked the ball to. But guess what, I didn't care either. Since I had the chance to talk to my first love. To my crush. Remember when you were a kid and wrote those love letters, asking them to go out with you? Asking them to tick the right box with Yes, No or Maybe? I never wrote those letters. Instead, I wrote down my feelings and emotions in a book. Something like my diary.

I never wrote him those letters. But still, everything started with a love letter.

Summer 2008.

It was a sunny day in Seoul. Birds chirping happily, the green of the trees shining brightly and the sun radiating warmth. Eunji, my best friend and me, we walked to our favorite ice cream parlor. We wanted to enjoy the last days of our summer holidays until we had to face school again. It didn't bother me, though. I would love to go to school as long as I could see him. My first love, the one I didn't tell Eunji about. I just didn't know how to tell her. I was a stubborn girl after all. I just couldn't tell her that I actually fell in love with the guy she assumed me to fall in love with. Back then when I had been 14 years old, right after he had kicked the football right into my face and I had collapsed, Eunji had asked me if I had fallen in love with him since I hadn't yelled at him for hurting me. I had insisted I would never fall in love with someone like him. But I did. And I could't tell her.

We were at our usual seats next to the windows, facing the people outside and watching them passing by the shop. We always made up stories about them. Imagining what they did when the sun set and they could go back home. Whether they were some creepy murderers or just went back to their wives and children. Whether they opened the door to their apartment to be greeted by warmth or whether they were alone, left by their loved ones. I was glad that whenever I walked home, the smile of my mother would welcome me at the doors. Maybe accompanied with her nagging voice. If not my mom, there were always my grandparents. 

"Look at that guy. I bet, he is someone no one likes."

I looked to Eunji, eyebrows furrowed. Her remarks could be really mean at times. But I was used to it since I wasn't friendlier either. "Let's write him a love letter."

She beamed at me, agreeing on my suggestion. I had once heard people calling us the idiot best friends couple. We had known each other since we had been kids. We had grown up together. She was like my sister. And I was like a dongsaeng¹. We trusted each other more than we trusted our family members. Her mother was jealous of me that Eunji entrusted her secrets to me instead. I cannot help but explain that Eunji's mother had been really young when she had given birth to her. Thus, she sometimes still acted like a teenage girl. 

I walked to the counter of the shop to ask for a pen and paper. The young employee was already familiar with us. He knew us since we were regular customers. He should thank us for buying so much ice cream. I thanked him before I walked back to Eunji, who already thought of what to write. We weren't actually going to give him the letter since he had already left from our eye sight. We both just really loved writing stupid things. It was the solution for boredom. Eunji began writing, after rolling up her sleeves. I cannot remember why she had even worn a long-sleeved pullover.

Dear Johnny,

I know you might not be the best looking guy. You might look average to others but to me, you are the most beautiful human being I have ever met.

She shove the paper to my direction. Upon reading her scibble, I giggled at her cheesiness. I knew she was just exaggerating. We had even named him after our favorite American actor, Johnny Depp. We both loved him. Our favorite movie of him was Pirates of the Caribbean. We couldn't help but have developed a crush on him. He looked so handsome in his Jack Sparrow role. The eyeliner, the long dreadlocks and his funny behavior. In our opinion, no one could even match his skills and looks. Well, for me someone already did. I shook my head to concentrate on the letter Eunji had started.

The first time I saw you on the streets, I thought I wouldn't be able to breathe anymore. You gave me goosebumps.

I thought to myself: "Elizabeth Swann, you need to pull yourself together."

To be honest, we were always Jelizabeth shippers. We always thought that Keira Knightley, alias Elizabeth Swann, should have ended up with Jack Sparrow. It wasn't like Will Turner wasn't good enough. It was just that Johnny Depp was better. Eunji laughed at the mention of the girl's name. Known as the two dorks who fight together, of course I would continue her little game by naming the lyrical I Elizabeth. But actually, our little acts and childish behavior weren't seen positively by our parents. My mother had once even given me a speech to act more like a girl. The problem was just that my sharp tongue couldn't actually hold in those words.

I watched the people outside the shop being in their own little world while Eunji continued writing the letter. Because I was too occupied with the window, I didn't notice people entering the shop. Not that it was even important since this ice parlor became popular ever since a Korean idol was spotted to have brought ice cream here. I had that strange feeling that Eunji was staring at me and when I turned to her, she was indeed looking at me.

"I just remembered. My mom told me to buy some groceries..." she trailed off in the end.

I laughed, telling her we could get going since we were already done with our ice cream. We stood up, letting the cups on the table because the employee told us to leave them there since he would probably clean up. We proceeded in exiting the ice parlor as I noticed guys walking to our seat in my peripheral view. But I didn't pay much attention as to who they were. Only when they spoke up, did I feel my curiosity errupting from my body.

"Hey, girls."

Eunji and me, we both turned around to look at those guys who had spoken. My eyes widened, then turned into slits, trying to find out if I hadn't got the wrong person. Then, my chest tightened just like that day and my head suddenly felt dizzy. I screamed in my head, wanting to run away. Wanting the time to stop. I mentally calmed myself down to prevent myself from doing something embarrassing. 

"You forgot your letter," he began, peeking on the letter before handing it out to us and locking eyes with me, "Elizabeth."

"Aren't you guys from our high school?" The friend beside him narrowed his eyes, studying our faces. For a moment when he looked at me, I thought he would remember that I was the girl his friend - my first love - kicked the ball to. But there was no enlightening moment from him, thus, he didn't remember me either. Instead, he continued staring, letting his eyes wander to my best friend and to me.

"What if? Are you hitting on us?" I wished at that right moment I had the magical power to shut people's mouths. I wished I could just stop time and go a few seconds back to prevent Eunji from letting her tongue slip. 

"Who would want to? We are interested in college girls." His friend scoffed while my first love glanced at him, smirking. But it wasn't that playful smirk. It was that friendly smirk that people called smiling benignly. 

When he turned his attention back to me, my heart skipped a beat. It was the first time that I realized it wasn't just a saying people used to describe the feeling of being in love. It was indeed true. Your heart would skip a beat whenever you met eyes with your crush. It was as if you were dead for a moment before you could actually breathe again. Eyes still looking into mine, he asked: "Don't you want it?"

I couldn't utter a word. It was just like the first time I had seen him up close. When he had asked me, if I had been okay because he had kicked the ball to my face. When he had apologized several times and had begged for my forgiveness. He noticed my silence as he decided to continue talking instead. "That name Elizabeth Swann seems familiar, though."

His friend next to him put a thinking face on, trying to figure out the solution. My best friend beside me scoffed at their facial expressions. Then, his friend put his index finger up, his eyes widening in the process. "It's Keira Knightley's role in the Pirates of the Caribbean."

Both of them made that 'Ah' sound and lingered in their own thoughts for a while before Eunji interrupted them, seemingly impatient since she just remembered that her mother had told her to buy the groceries. "You can throw it away. We are in a hurry."

She pulled me away, my gaze still focused on him. I just couldn't look away. Not even when he noticed my stare. We both looked into each other's eyes. For a moment, I thought everything disappeared around me. As if we were the only people in this world. I know, it sounded cheesy and childish but it was true. I was only 17 years old back then, not having dated anyone before. He was my first love. I had loved him for 3 years. How can you not say that it was magical for that moment?

We were walking to the supermarket a few blocks away from the ice parlor. Eunji was talking to me  the whole time but I didn't listen. My thoughts circulated around him and his handsome face. His little smile and his voice. It was deep and husky. I bet, he had a nice voice when singing. I had once heard him and his friends wanting to go to noraebang, a karaoke room. He sometimes hummed a melody when he passed by me on the school yard. There was also this time, when I had seen him kicking a goal into the net, that he had sung Girls Generation's Baby Baby. Back then, SNSD had first debuted around July 2007. Of course, guys had loved them. Even I had admired them. They were so beautiful. Yoona, the center and visual of the group had been around my age. The maknae had been younger than me. Sometimes, Eunji and I had imagined to be in the group since we had been around their age. 

It had been his voice that I had heard for the first time that had resonated so beautifully in my ears. He had even danced to the songs of Girls Generation. I couldn't help but feel attracted to him even more. The way he had danced cutely on the sports field because he had kicked a goal. The way he had sung, not caring about his teammates and friends rolling their eyes.

"Eunji, I need to go to the toilet. You can already go in." I told her, already walking off. I needed the letter. It was just like my red chucks a reminder of him. It was the thing that had brought him to talk to me. I wished I could have had the football as well, but of course I had never asked him. That would have been too obvious.

I ran the blocks back, turned around, already seeing the couple we saw at the ice parlor entering a mall. I passed by the corner, saw the shop with my favorite ice cream and ran even faster. Perhaps he had already thrown it away just like Eunji had told him to. Maybe he had already left with his friend. I just needed the letter even if it was in a bin. I didn't really care. I just needed it. I needed that reminder.

When I entered the shop, some people were starring at me, probably thinking to themselves why I looked like I had just run a marathon. I bet, my hair was all over the place and sweat was already dripping down. I turned my head to the seat Eunji and I always occupied when my heartbeat increased its pace. He was still siting there, the letter in his hands and his eyes scanning it. He was actually reading it. My feet were slowly leading me to him as he turned his head since he noticed someone approaching from his peripheral view. His eyes turned into crescent moons, smiling at me. "Do girls still write them?"

I mentally slapped my best friend for writing the very sentence kids always wrote in love letters. While I had been busy looking at the people outside the window, my stupid best friend had written "Will you go out with me? Tick the right box." Of course, it had just been a joke. We had been just jokingly writing a love letter to the lonely guy we named Johnny. But he had read it and he asked me whether girls still wrote these. When he noticed I hadn't replied yet, he spoke up instead. "Sorry for reading it. But since you guys told me to throw it away..."

He glanced back at the letter. "I thought it was a pity to throw love letters away. Since I haven't received any for a long time."

"Maybe your charm lost its magic." This time, I mentally slapped myself for letting my tongue slip. It had just rolled off my tongue so beautifully. I just couldn't control myself at that moment.

He laughed in a deep tone, his eyes turning into slits. He was so beautiful when he laughed. The sound still echoed in my head even after he stopped. "I think girls nowadays indeed seem to loose interest in me."

"Can I have my letter back?" I asked, body stiff and throat a bit dry.

"Why did you even throw it away in the first place?" A smile still lingered on his lip when I didn't reply. It was one of these moments again where I just couldn't say a word. Where my voice gave up on me. Where it left me alone. "Okay, I'll give it back to you."

"Woohyun, chocolate crisps or mi-" his friend trailed off after turning around and facing the both of us. He furrowed his eyebrows, staring extremely unfriendly to me while I mentally blamed Eunji and her sharp tongue for that.

"Chocolate crips." He yelled back before he turned his attention back to me. But I had already left. I had used the chance to run away when he had faced his friend. I ran away because I couldn't stay anymore. I just couldn't breathe in his presence anymore. I was happy enough that I saw him. He was my first love and he talked to me. I remembered when a friend of me had told me she had liked someone but she had never dared to talk to him. It was different with me, now. We talked, our eyes met and we had almost touched each other by passing by. He was the one who had a huge impact on me. On my way back to the supermarket, I replayed his name in my head. Woohyun. Nam Woohyun. He was my first love. He was the one who had taught me how to love. Remember how I told you that everything had started with a letter? It was that letter I held onto my hands and ran with it like my life depended on it. It was that letter that is now stored in my drawer next to my bed. It was that letter to our imaginary Johnny and his Elizabeth that had allowed me to talk to him. It was Johnny Depp and Keira Knightley's role Elizabeth Swann that had allowed me to get closer to him. It was that letter which had never received a reply to it. It was that unanswered letter.

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¹ dongsaeng (korean) - addressing a younger one

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